I recently encountered a disturbing article which indicated this country's fixation with shielding children from threats to their self-esteem has jumped the pond and infected a British youth soccer league.
The league objected when a local newspaper reported the losing team was "trounced" 29-0 in a match, claiming printing such embarrassing results only served to humiliate the nonvictorious.
As a gawky freak who suffered plenty of blows to my self-esteem in grade school sporting endeavors (and out, like the time my music teacher reduced me to tears over a malplaced tone chime), I knew the pain, and I survived relatively intact. In short, I don't see what the problem is–that paper could have printed far worse:
In a fitting end to their festering cesspool of a season, the Spartans were trounced 29-0 yesterday in their youth soccer match, confirming suspicions that each and every team member is indeed wholly without redeeming qualities as a human being.
"Without exception, each one is a horrible, creepy child who is not worth anything," coach Roger Van Pelt said. "I think they all should have just gone home and killed themselves after that game, and I told them as much. But as far as I know nobody listened, as usual."
Bailey Davis, one of the few team members who was not screamed at, beaten or disowned by his parents on site, expressed dismay over the loss, and the fact that he was born.
"We probably would have won if I wasn't around to ruin everything by, you know, being alive and stuff," he said. "I never used to understand why my mom doesn't love me, but after today's game I totally do."
Bailey's mother Laurie confirmed her son's assessment. "After witnessing that sorry spectacle, I know someone who's going to be sleeping in the dog carrier tonight–and not the fancy plastic one with the cushion, the metal one our tumor-riddled dachshund died in last summer."
Though all the players royally sucked, some spectators were eager to attribute the loss to the incompetence of a particular child.
"It's all that chubby little Smith boy's fault," parent Beth Adams said. "His parents are divorced, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."
Others expressed a more general displeasure over the implications this game could have for the future.
"This is going to hurt my Dakota's chances at an athletic scholarship in 2016, I just know it," parent Jennifer Miller said. "And grandchildren? Forget it–what girl would ever marry a loser like him?"
Parent Todd Collins said he thought his peers were overreacting. "I think we're all overdue for a reminder that it's not who's better on the field that matters, it's who gets taken home in the most extravagant SUV. Mine cost more than the GNP of nearly every nation on earth, gets four miles per gallon and has heated stereo buttons–beat that, you Hummer-driving pansies."
Though the Spartans' season may be over, Coach Van Pelt said he plans to display news of his team's loss in several prominent public locations, as well as print colorful T-shirts for the players branding them as hopeless failures.
"We can't let these kids start thinking they have the same intrinsic worth as the ones on the winning team, can we?"
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday. Solicit her fine childcare services at [email protected].