With the end of another school year in sight, the time is near to begin planning those summer getaways. If you find yourself heading off for a day of roller coaster-riding merriment at an amusement park or carnival, here are some helpful tips to make the most of your excursion:
Theme park vacations are not magical cure-alls for family or social dysfunction, so don't expect too much of your visit. If you're already messed up when you get there, if anything, you'll only be more so by the time you leave.
At large amusement parks, staying hydrated is key. Inject each member of your party with a day's worth of subcutaneous fluids before you arrive. You may experience some minor discomfort, but you'll deny those robber barons the satisfaction of charging you $3 for a freaking bottle of water.
Ladies, be sure to wear comfortable and supportive footwear, for this is news to me, but apparently some women can't just flash the cleavage and get a cavalcade of eager manservants to cart her about for the day.
Before boarding a high-speed ride, make sure your belongings are properly secured. Otherwise you assume the risk of being forever known as that jackass whose projectile Muppet key chain killed an innocent park-goer.
Never force a sick or upset child onto a ride–take advantage of those convenient storage bins found in the loading areas of many roller coasters. If you waited two hours in line, the little ingrate can stand a few minutes in a box.
A number of thrill rides have height, weight and health restrictions to ensure the safety of their riders. If you know these will pose a problem for you, you could simply choose milder alternatives, but wouldn't it be more fun for all concerned to threaten a ride operator with one of those pointy cotton candy cones?
If you travel to a fair or festival, don't bring your pets unless you know they're allowed. It's better to leave them at home than risk having them suffocate in your hot car–depending of course on your definition of "better."
Local carnivals don't have to be a rip-off, they can actually pay. My cousin once had her leg run over by a runaway Tilt-a-Whirl car and was paid off by the management not to sue. Granted, that was over ten years ago, but if your plasma levels are getting depleted, it may be worth a try.
Don't bother attendants while rides are running, for it is their job to watch for any malfunctions or hazards. And apparently, the majority are able to do just that while appearing to merely down six-packs and ogle preteen girls.
Check to ensure ride operators are wearing proper identification. The CIA has reliable intelligence indicating terrorists will try to bring this country down over the summer by sabotaging the Scrambler at your local county fair. (This tip paid for by Bush/Cheney 2004–looking out for your security.)
On thrill rides large and small, most accidents and injuries result from rider error, not mechanical failure, making amusement parks one of the great modern monuments to natural selection. If the genetic lottery has plainly not drawn in your favor, you may want to stay home.
Holly Noe's column will return next fall. For advice on maintaining a deathly pallor clear through the summer, write to her at [email protected].