I recently heard a blurb on the news about a bishop in Cyprus proclaiming any proper Christians who vote yes in an upcoming national reunification referendum will not only disgrace their homeland, but fall into disgrace with the Almighty–in short, vote no or go to hell.
Now, granted, I'm no expert on the Christian faith–if you asked me who my favorite apostles are, for instance, I'd have to go with Peter and Paul, for I'm a fan of those delicious Mounds candy bars. But even so, evoking the eternal wrath of a benevolent being in the name of a decidedly mortal political process seems pretty ridiculous.
So why didn't this country think of it first?
The religious right has been so busy lately bestowing legal rights upon in-utero cell clusters, trying to turn courthouses into shrines and fighting to save the whole sinning lot of us by legislating their brand of morality, I think they've just plain dropped the ball on this one.
For contemporary religion and politics are truly a match made in heaven (or perhaps by one of those Christian personals Web sites I keep getting spammed by). They are the emblematic topics not to be discussed in mixed company, the leadership of both institutions are routinely corrupted by money and assorted lewd acts and both require followers to put faith in a figure largely abstruse and inaccessible to handle some of the most fundamental facets of existence.
When confronted with dissenters to their particular ideologies, the radicals in both camps are conditioned to react with open contempt, hostility or full-frontal conversion assaults. Individuals must often compromise their convictions to be part of a mainstream congregation, or resign themselves to a life on the fringe, with the tent ministries of the political topology and the Ralph Naders of the religious.
Indeed, with the election on the horizon, now is the time for the radical right to coalesce in vocal, dogmatic support of President Bush. They should saturate the media with ads declaring "Vote Bush or burn in hell!"–translated into several languages so they'll still be covered in case a few minority voters slip through the safeguards and actually cast ballots.
These will be augmented by ads in the swing states, such as "On election day, resist Satan as he pulls your pen toward the one called Kerry" and a special message for Florida voters, "Punch decisively, for the Devil will claim all hanging chads as his own."
Christian Democrats can mobilize their own missionaries, chanting "A vote for Bush is a vote for Beelzebub" and "If you vote for Bush, where you're going is much hotter than Texas." They can also deal with the Nader issue by sentencing anyone on the left who votes for him to a stint in purgatory, with all the infidels, screaming unbaptized children and deathbed-repentance procrastinators.
Even the nonpartisan religious groups just looking to up voter turnout could use these tactics to wrangle some apolitical pagans into the polling booths. Their mission would be especially suited to exploiting that fabled Christian guilt in their ad slogans–just try and resist "Our Savior didn't die for you so you could stay home on election day. Jesus didn't get a vote. Use yours."
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday she eludes being struck down. Write to her at [email protected].