In the wake of move-in, you might be thinking about welcoming a pet into your off-campus abode to help make that rental feel a bit more like home. As with most decisions in life, there are a lot of tips out there to assist you in selecting and raising your ideal creature, and once again, I’ve compiled (and embellished) some of the best for your perusal:
Make sure your roommates all agree on a pet and can be trusted to properly handle it. Where you see a beloved reptilian friend, some of us see merely the precursor to a fashionable handbag.
Before adopting a pet, make sure you’re willing to make the financial commitment. For instance, a cat can cost up to $13,000 over its lifetime. That could buy, like, 1000 Magic Castles of Sea Monkeys, and Sea Monkeys rule.
When choosing a dog, keep in mind what you can physically manage. I for one prefer the emaciated prisoner-of-war types, like greyhounds. Not only do they have a striking beauty all their own, if one ever turns on me, I’m fairly confident I can just snap its scrawny neck. I operate off a markedly similar principle when choosing a man.
Rats actually make sensible pets for college students: They’re cheap, they're social, they don't need much attention and chances are, within a few months, they’ll come to you.
If you’re seeking the ultimate in low-maintenance pets, check out betta fish. Hell, every one I’ve ever had has even killed itself.
Be sure of your decision to adopt a larger animal, for pets have thoughts and feelings, too, and it’s frightening and confusing to be abandoned at a shelter. Probably not much more frightening and confusing than being skanked up like Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua or being tormented by a flashlight beam for your inebriated entertainment, but still.
If keeping a pet indoors is not for you, attract songbirds to your window. Collect bits of hair, string and lint to hang in nearby trees for nesting material. It’s free, easy and not at all creepy.
A spray-bottle of water will quickly train a cat not to do something. So will a bag, a brick and a river.
If your pet runs away, put up posters, offer a reward and check with the local shelter every other day. It is only a pet, after all, no need to trouble yourself EVERY day.
Apply cooking spray to your dog’s paws to prevent ice from accumulating during winter walks. Because removing a few chunks of ice is much more taxing for all concerned than setting a few compound fractures.
Animals are attracted to the scent of deadly antifreeze, so thwart natural selection for another day and clean up spills immediately.
Don’t leave cats outdoors in winter, for they often crawl into car engines for warmth. If the engine starts, the cat can be injured or killed by fan blades or belts, and those can cost a lot to fix.
And finally, with the threat of terrorist attacks ever-imminent in this great high-alert nation of ours, be sure to practice a sudden evacuation with your four-legged friend. If your pet doesn’t cooperate, it is an enemy combatant. John Ashcroft will be along shortly to "disappear" it to Guantanamo.
Holly Noe’s column runs each Friday. She awaits more angry mail at [email protected] for directing her gallows humor at pets than she’s ever gotten for directing it at people.