I'm not one to brag, and I have been known to suffer the occasional bout of hyperbole, but I think it's safe to say that I have divined the means by which to rid the world of all current ill: human hamster balls.
Yes, with a few alterations, the colorful plastic orb beloved of our nation's children as a source of entertainment, delight and the early honing of sadistic impulses has the potential to carry the globe closer to utopia.
With a hyperbaric hamster ball for each citizen of Earth to venture out in, the spread of communicable disease will be curtailed. Second-hand smoke will cease to be an issue and the process of natural selection can proceed as intended. Obesity will also become a thing of the past, for not only will exercise be all but mandatory, but the design of the sphere itself is not conducive to in-vehicle eating, cutting consumption of drive-thru fare and subsequent frivolous lawsuits.
Another advantage inherent in the human hamster ball is its guaranteed bubble of personal space that cannot be infringed upon unless the user allows it. This will no doubt lead to a sharp reduction in conventional violent crime. Coupled with sound-proofing and UV-protective coatings, the sanity of those such as myself will face a few less threats as well.
The introduction of this cheap, reliable mode of transportation will ideally make the automobile obsolete, solving another host of problems. Envision a world with no traffic, no pollution and liberation from dependence upon fossil fuels; a world whose leaders are able to concentrate on matters of true importance and bring about a cornucopia of betterments for all; a world unmarred by the blight on aesthetic sensibilities that is the Ford Focus…
But alas, the human hamster ball must operate within the existing societal framework and therefore cannot work miracles.
Given freedom from usual woe, it is likely that politicians would use their windfall of time to further involve themselves in citizens' personal lives and to pass more pointless legislation in the vein of the now-infamous "freedom fries."
Global tensions would also make a smooth transition to this transportation arena and manifest themselves through acts of hamster ball terrorism. Theoretically, all it would take to bring a major metropolis to a standstill is a strategically placed carpet seam or door frame. A single suicide-baller could wreak untold levels of havoc.
Ball rage would become the new fad on U.S. thoroughfares, for divisive symbols of class would also adapt. Sport Utility Balls with an array of amenities to remind lesser commuters of their inferiority would in time evolve. The eternal battle of Jesus fish vs. Darwin fish vs. "Truth"-fish-eating-Darwin-fish shall no doubt persist.
There is also the small matter of the necessary reconstruction project of a scale which dwarfs any act attempted throughout the collective course of human existence, but the engineers can worry about that one.
Indeed, the human hamster ball has its pitfalls–not the least of which being the host of dirty jokes it is capable of spawning–but I think these problems are preferable to, or at the very least more amusing than, the current set.
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday. If you're from the Nobel Prize Committee and would like to recognize her as a visionary, she can be reached at [email protected].