When the joyless myopia of life starts to get to me, I often find myself searching out "oddly enough" news stories on the Internet. Last week, whilst trolling for amusement among them, I came across one that resonated with such pure gallows humor that I could not let it go unshared.
The article was titled "Undertakers see baby boomers boosting market." Short but oh so sweet, it offered a glimpse into the goings-on at a European "undertakers' conference" held recently to address the issue of the growing demand for their services expected as baby boomers the world over start kicking the proverbial bucket.
Utmost on the agenda was, strangely, improving "customer service." So evidently, under this initiative, following a lifetime of being seated by the kitchen in restaurants when no one in my party has the requisite reproductive anatomy and enduring the glassy-eyed gapes of the automatons manning the registers at Walgreens, at least my putrefying cadaver will ultimately enjoy the star treatment.
Another matter of grave (pun intended) concern to those convening was devising more "environment-friendly" methods to dispose of corpses. The natural process of decomposition will take up too much space, they argue, and antiquated crematoriums will spew out a profusion of air pollutants if forced to operate in over-drive.
So, just what inspired alternatives did this meeting of mortician minds generate? Well, the only one mentioned was "freezing bodies and breaking them down with sound waves." Yes, that's right–if this idea takes root, the funeral-going experience of tomorrow may well entail sitting through a corpus-shattering rendition of the departed's favorite song, for better or worse.
However, what interested me most about this proposal was one simple question: What else did they toss around before settling on it as the representative example?
In answer to this query, I bring you some possible rejected solutions for the efficient riddance of the coming influx of baby boomer carrion:
Break up the mannequin industry's long-held monopoly on garment-display fixtures.
Adapt "Weekend at Bernie's" to reality TV, offering those who didn't get the opportunity during life to have their 15 minutes, too.
Capitalize on the comeback of '80s nostalgia with the perfect way to one-up those losers with the pet rocks.
Mulching!
Provide cheap, well-behaved seat-fillers for Hollywood award galas.
Add an air of authenticity to the interactive "Tri-State Crematory Experience" at Six Flags Over Georgia.
Keep Ron Popeil employed with this grand opportunity to invent a new wonder-appliance to hock on late-night infomercials.
The Ed Gein Home Collection, debuting this season at finer retailers everywhere!
Celebrate democracy by giving corpses Floridian votes in the next presidential "election."
Allow businesses and universities to present the appearance of "diversity" in promotional shots without having to learn Photoshop.
Now, before you fire off some reactionary hate-mail on behalf of these hypothetical carcasses, consider this: If the dead are still around in some incarnation, hopefully they're either beyond the point of being offended thusly, or they've finally been endowed with the enlightened ability to see the humor in themselves.
If not, I'll find out soon enough...
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday. She prefers that communications from denizens of spiritual nether-realms be sent to [email protected] rather than scrawled in blood and entrails on her walls.