With the fall television season fast approaching, many of you may find yourselves in this predicament: You want a groundbreaking, sensational reality program to headline your network's offerings, but you've waited until the last minute and are left with the same tired dating-show fare hosted by the likes of Kathy Griffin.
If this describes you, this is your lucky day. If it doesn't, resurrect that imagination you used to have and allow me to pitch my crop of new reality shows perfect for any network, real or fictitious, that has found a way to elude the FCC and remain free of adherence to broadcast standards and practices.
First up is "Eco Challenge Golden Years: A Day in the Park," a gripping back-to-nature adventure in which teams of geriatrics in various states of immobility and dementia race to traverse a city park. Watch as teams struggle to decipher their small-print maps and risk hip fractures to beat back pill-thieving squirrels.
Next, on "Deposed Despot Jeopardy," play along with history's most heinous tyrants as you test your trivia knowledge with such exciting categories as Obscure Methods of Torture, Dictatorial Fashion Trends and Propaganda Potpourri. ("What are stinking imperialist pigs?" "Ooh, I'm sorry, Saddam, the question we're looking for is, 'What are stinking imperialist infidels?'")
For those who prefer implant-ogling gross-out thrills to intellectual stimulation, there's "Obsessive Germ-o-Phobe Fear Factor." Will contestants choke when asked to lick a mall door handle? Who will stay submerged in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese's the longest and take home the cash prize? The excitement is intoxicating!
So is the charm of "Joe Dogmatist," the ordinary factory worker whose transformation into a charismatic cult leader is chronicled in this modern fairy tale. Little do his new followers know upon their arrival at a quaint, secluded compound in rural Texas, Joe will receive a million dollars for each member he can induce to "vacate their earthly container" in his name!
If you've been searching for the perfect marriage of hidden camera hijinks and tense medical drama, you'll find it with "Placebo Effect," in which a real doctor's unsuspecting patient is diagnosed with an exotic–and conveniently asymptomatic–monkey malady and given rounds of torturous therapies, including a few mock surgeries, before the ruse is revealed. This is one finale you definitely don't want to miss!
And of course, one cannot neglect the popular daytime television market. With the sure-to-follow successes of "A Mid-life Crisis Story," "Designing for the Destitute" and the radical new makeover show, "You're Unattractive and That's Not OK," featuring the distinguished Dr. Kevorkian, you'll bring those feel-good pansies over at TLC to their proverbial knees.
And finally, to make sure you stay on the ubiquitous "Whitey's" good side and keep your network afloat, be sure to save a time slot for "America's Most Talented Pre-Embryonic Cell Cluster," brought to you by John Ashcroft, Jeb Bush and your other fine governmental officials on the religious right. Your vote (/the Florida state Supreme Court's) determines which zany zygote gets to advance to the fetal stage under full protection of the law!
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday. If you're in an ethical quandary and in need of guidance, write to Dear Abby. Otherwise, Holly can be reached at [email protected].