The Chocolate Starfish

Craig David Dies Singing Own Name - 26/04/01
Garage R&B Hip Hop Soul singing sensation Craig David died this morning, after singing his own name over 3000 times without drawing breathe. A post mortem revealed that Mr. David, formerly of The Nolan Sisters, had suffered an ego implosion - which lead to the 6 hour senseless name whining fit. Tributes have flooded in from the music industry, but all of them were lost on the way to Pret a Manger. Mr. David's mother, footballer Edgar Davids, spoke out this afternoon, complaining that she hadn't noticed having a son up until today. Meanwhile, The Queen has pledged to hold a tribute concert at the Palace, where she'll provide backing vocals to the Duchess of Kent's rendition of David's biggest hit, 'Rewind'. It's also rumoured that actor Burt Reynolds will play drums - although in an isolated incident on his own and not at the concert.

Madeley Bans Goldfish - 14/05/01.
In a tearful press conference at Niketown today, Minister for Agriculture Richard Madeley unveiled plans to ban all goldfish. Former child oboe prodigy Madeley, 71, expressed his intense dislike of the nation's favourite pet. 'I really hate them', he said. Judy Finnigan - famous for being both Madeley's wife and biological mother - read the remainder of the statement in an Irish accent, and barred all goldfish from the U.K. with immediate effect.
Amusing voicemeister Derek Griffiths was later quoted as saying it's like living in Nazi Germany. Griffiths was 31 and leaves 17 wives and 300 children.
Bill Rawlings

Palace denies Queen Mouth Ulcer - 16/5/01
Officials at Buckingham Palace have denied reports that The Queen has a mouth ulcer. Press officer Shane Richie threw tins of tuna at newspaper reporters when the subject arose over a cup of hot chocolate in his treehouse. 'Ma'am hasn't so much as a chafed gum, let alone full-blown ulcering' lashed Richie, who recently announced plans to marry himself. Meanwhile, the Palace has been inundated with offers of tasty mouth sore remedy 'Bonjela'. The ghost of Bernie Winters personally delivered a tube of Anusol - claiming it's all the same thing. 'It's all the same thing' declared the Late Winters.

John in guts riddle - 25/10/01
Mystery surrounds the disapearance of Elton john's guts this morning. John, who made his name as a local fire chief, claims that he didn't realise his guts were missing until he ate a packet of Mintola. John commented 'the whole bloody lot dropped straight out of me'. Police have no clues as to the whereabouts of the guts, and are urging the public to remain vigilant and to check their pockets.



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