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| SPORTS LATEST |
| Man. Utd. Sign Nick Berry |
| Former Eastenders playboy, Nick Berry, today completed a �3.5m move to 3rd division Manchester United. Reds manager Tony Hart commented 'It's a great move, and a great loss to Walford Town'. Berry, 54, meanwhile complained about a Pritt stick which had gone dry. The signing comes after speculation that Hart had made a move for tricky Arsenal winger Wizbit.The trial continues. |
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| Berry: has 3 nostrils on each leg |
| 'SMALLGATE' - Neck found in Gower's handbag |
| Cricket legend and hair gel tycoon David Gower was last night arrested in relation to the disappearance of a neck belonging to former England international Gladstone Small. The neck disappeared in the early 80s, and it's long been thought that Small had in fact eaten it himself. In an emotional press conference, Small revealed the agony of life without a neck, and how being accused of eating his own neck has slightly bemused his mother. He then prattled on about something or other. Gower has been detained in ladies clothes until a bail hearing in 25 years time. |
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| Gower: Neck thief |
| Owen Feeling Moist |
| Football midget Michael owen missed training yesterday, amid reports that he has contracted a mild case of rising damp. Owen, who at 3ft 7inches is the third smallest player in the Liverpool team, was apparently left out in the rain by showbiz pal Simon Mayo. 'We were having a seafood barbecue, when it started raining like the end of the world' said Mayo, 'I rushed inside and simply forgot that michael was still eating his monkfish'. The damp-proofing team at LIverpool have injected Owen with expanding foam, and it is hoped that he will dry out in time for England's upcoming friendly with the cast of Hollyoaks. |