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Vice versa, Mr. McLean

So we got over that and soon it would be good-byes again. Their last day in Stockholm was busy. Early in the morning they had final meeting at the studio, then some interviews and a press conference. In the afternoon I saw AJ for the first time really in that day 'cause he had sneaked out in the morning without waking me up.
-How much? I asked.
-Thirty.

We sat in our room, AJ had brought food with him but neither of us was hungry. Thirty minutes. That's how much time we had in private. For the whole day until they would have to leave.

I had so much to say and so few words. I felt very sad but didn't want to show that. I'd have to be brave because AJ would have a hard day coming. So I just went to him and we hugged.
-I don't wanna go.
-Sure you do.
I looked AJ into his eyes. -Tomorrow you'll be in your own bed in your own house in your own country. You'll be home.
-Home is where you are.
AJ's words touched me.
-I'm in your heart. At least I hope so.
AJ smiled: -You are.
-So I'm with you whereever you go. Remember that.
I hugged him again. I wasn't worried about Alex. I was more worried about me. I'd go home and live my life on? I didn't know what to think. My heart would travel with AJ but I couldn't let him control my life. I wished that we could stay on that moment forever. But unfortunately that's not possible.

We laid on the bed looking and touching each other's face when someone knocked on the door. We sat up.
-So this is it, AJ said looking so young suddenly.
-No this isn't. We'll see again in two hours.
We stood up and I tried so hard not to see packed bags on the floor. We hugged until that someone knocked again. At least they had the decency not to come in!
-I'll have to go.
-OK. See you in two.
-Behave!
AJ smiled but it didn't reach his eyes.
-Go now.
I almost pushed him out of the room so I wouldn't cry. After he left I went to shower and I couldn't tell what was water and what tears.

Two hours later I stood in a hallway. It was dark, metallic, plain place. I waited for five minutes and then they came. Mike and Keegan first, then boys, then wives followed with few more bodyguards. I joined the wife club. We just walked, silent, fast. I had never seen face like that on AJ. But I couldn't ask anything.

Soon we arrived in a small room with two doors. There was a speaker on the wall from what I could hear some orders given in Swedish. Two bodyguards had stayed on the door we came in, too went out from the other. Mike stayed in room with us.

We made a circle and held each other's hands. We prayed. Everyone but me said the prayer together, I didn't know it back then so I joined just the Amen. After that the mood changed. Everyone smiled, laughed, AJ kissed me quickly on my cheek and then we went on.

I was stunned when the door opened. Sound was overwhelming. I could hear applauds and screaming.
-Och h�r kommer ni, they're here: The Backstreet Boys! V�lkommen, welcome Howie, Brian, Nick, AJ and Kevin!

Some one grabbed my hand. It was Kristin and I stood still. I could see the stage but not the audience. But I could hear and sense them. Small club was full of people, they were some MTV winners. I laughed remembering that I had participated that competition too.

Music played, boys sang and I listened. Leighanne gave me a napkin, I didn't even realize that I was crying. But it was a dream come true!

I tried to clean my face while walking in that same hallway. Boys were still on stage, we left earlier for the security reasons, Kristin, Leighanne and me.
-Now put it on, Leighanne told me.
I searched my pockets and found my pass. In it was my picture - very bad one - and my name, or actually E. Gennero and some kind of title which shortened meant something like Jive Record's Swedish promotion department second assistant. What ever! Basically it was designed to quarantee my access without doubts of my identity. Me and Leighanne had agreed that low profile would be best thing to do. Leighanne also promised to mail me the boy's schedules once they get back to US. And as AJ had suspected they didn't have final plans made yet.

So we girls got into a limo and after a while we arrived to another club. There were fans waiting but they didn't care much about us, they were there just for the boys.

We sneaked in easily and went to fresh up. I was grateful that everyone decided to wear casual clothes, I didn't have to feel awkward as I would have if trying to be a fancy person. It was enough trying to be professional, sophisticated person along with all those music industry people that were there.

-They're here, Kristin whispered to me when we were mingling. -I'll go there, you wait a moment. Or let AJ come to you. It's just these few first minutes...
Jealously I looked Kristin and Leighanne pushing their way trough to their husbands. I could see AJ looking around trying to find me but as soon as he saw me there he focused on smiling to the cameras.

-OK! Show's over! Mike shouted in about 10 minutes. -Let's all have a nice evening. As you know the Boys are gonna fly back to US tonight after finishing their new album. So let's celebrate that! Reporters are welcome to stay here but cameras and tapers must be left to the reception. And now a toast for the Backstreet Boys!

I was totally amazed. That was more that I ever had heard Mike saying. But I did as told and I drank for them. And for me and AJ, for us. As Kristin said things cooled off minute by minute. It was obvious that everyone there knew each other better that any of Boys so after changing few words with them people happily gave turn to someone else. Even so it took almost an hour until AJ came to me.
-Hey what's up?
-Nice concert.
-It was good to perform. Did you have good seats? If not I may have to complain to your department, which is actually what?
-It has something to do with you, isn't that enough? And thank you for asking, I had great seats.
AJ looked around and lowered his voice.
-I hate this.
-What this? Party?
-No. This not to be able to kiss you.
-I know. It's just best for now.
-As you wish, Ms. Gennero. I want to thank you for all you�ve done for us during our stay in here.
-It�s been pleasure to work with you.
We had to take our roles quickly back because people were gathering around AJ.
-Well, Ms. Gennero, I hope You'll enjoy your evening here. And if you don't mind me saying I'd like to talk to you again later. So until then...
-Vice versa Mr. McLean.

My role as employee worked fine. Some people looked me as "What's she doing here?" but then Mike and Keegan used to save me. Now it seemed that I was helping Boys in practical things, like eating and shopping. Of course that was a bit doubtful too because I wasn't Swedish but in total we did fine. First I was so tight but longer the evening got more I enjoyed my part in that weird play.

But clock was ticking closer to 11 pm when boys would leave. They would have to leave in the middle of the party but for me it would end as soon as they'd be gone.

No matter how strong and brave I tried to be, I couldn't help sadness sneaking on me. Once a moment like that came I went to ladies room. Leighanne was there refreshing her make up.
-Camoon in, there's no one else in here.
Just in case I peaked into every loo but they were empty. Leighanne put her make ups away and turned to look me.
-How are you doing?
-Hanging.
-I think you've been fine. We made up a good plan. Just try to avoid AJ.
-Why? I was frustrated. -I'm here but all I can do is have few words every hour.
-It's just so obvious when you're together.
-What is?
-That you're together. Way he touches your arm when explaining something. Way he gives you light to your cigarette. Way hold his drink when he's signing something. All about you.
-Wow! And I thought we were doing fine.
-So far so good. But it doesn't take much intuition or research to realize that you're something else you try to be. What I'm saying is just be careful. Don't mess it now.
-Well, I have to thank you for those words.
-Listen E. I'm sorry. I know I haven't been the kindest or warmest person to you lately. Thought you've helped me with my son and everything. It's just...
-I know what it is.
-Let me say it. Guys are so much simpler than we, women. They've already accepted you as one of them. That's probably 'cause AJ has spoken of you to them a lot. Yes, Brian mentioned some Finnish fan but I had no idea how close you've become. I just have to protect us. But now I've seen who you are. And why you're here. This night has showed that to me.
-How if I may ask?
-You can't act hiding your love. You can be in love or you can try to be in love. And I wouldn't blame you if you would have been trying. I'd do that too for AJ. But I'm glad that you really love him. Because he's falling.
-Please, I'm gonna cry soon.
-I know. It's not easy to say goodbye. I know that too well! But let me say these things. We don't know when we'll meet again. I sure hope we do.
-Me too, I was swallowing my tears.
-I'm proud of you. It's not easy to act like you're not in love. You could have turned this into some show just kissing him or saying something. And AJ wouldn't have stopped you. Just because who you are. But it would have made the whole thing more complicated. Keep it secret as long as you can. Because once it's public you can't turn back. AJ isn't an easy person but dealing with him is pretty easy. It's not enough when you love him. You have to love him more. Love him when you hate. Smile when you want to cry. But don't let the false feelings get between you two. When you stop loving, say it. And I mean when you stop loving him, not the lifestyle.
-I didn't ask for this.
-Yes you did. Don't try to say anything else. Why AJ instead of boy next door? Not because what he is but what he seems to be.
-I never... I tried to explain but Leighanne didn't let me to.
-Now it's different, I know. But you have to be honest for yourself and AJ. You will have to lie much more you ever believed but do not lie to him. Or to you. Promise me that.
-I promise.
-OK. Now... Don't look like that!
I was confused and didn't know to cry or smile but Leighanne's laughter took me with it.
-So we're friends? Leighanne asked.
-Certainly.
We hugged.
-Should we let everybody else in?
Without my noticement Leighanne had locked the door. No wonder no one had came in.
-Let's go.
Leighanne opened the door.
-I'm so sorry, I didn't realize it was locked. Yes, I felt little sick but Ms. Gennero here was kind enough to help me. I'm OK now, thank you.
I was astounded how Leighanne handled that situation. We returned to the party and soon bumped into Brian.
-Darling is everything okay?
-I'm fine. I just had to speak with E.
-You're alright? Brian asked me.
-I'm fine, thank you, Mr. Littrell.
-Do you really have to be so official?
-Of course sir, as you wish.
I bowed and left them laughing. I went to bar and asked glass of wine. For some strange reason I haven't been drinking much. Actually that was my first glass after the welcoming toast.

I tried to find some quiet place but that seemed impossible so I just parked myself into in group discussing difficulties in producing. I didn't have anything to say about that and no one expected me to so I felt pretty secure there. So avoid AJ? I didn't want to but I had to.
-Ladies and Gentlemen. It's getting late and soon we have to say good-bye to Boys.
Some total stranger to me had climbed up to little stage there was.
-But until we let them go I hope you enjoy a little. And now, ladies, Backstreet Boys will perform one song from their new album. And I don't have to assure you that this is exclusive. So let's hear them out, The Backstreet Boys!
Everyone applauded and boys went to stage. Somewhere from back left came a pianist. And as he played the first choirs I knew the song. It was Instantly In Love.

My blood froze. I just stood there, I couldn't move. It was a slow arrangement, more soul than pop. "If there's heaven..." AJ looked straight at me. For the only time during the song. I felt that my strength was crumbling away when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Mike.
-We're about to leave, he said.
-Already?
-Never tell the exact time. Better earlier than too late.
-Sure.
Boys were singing, Leighanne looked me across the room. My tears were almost falling.
-Thank you for the information, Mike. It's been pleasure to work with you.
-Shh... Come with me.
Boys were still singing so no one really grasped that we left. Mike led me trough few doors into a small room.
-Wait here.

And he went on. After five minutes waiting I was sure that this was just some plot to keep me away from making scenes. Then I heard steps outside the room and soon the door opened.
-So Ms. Gennero. Have you done your work well enough?
AJ closed the door and spread his arms. And I run to him.
-Did you really think that I could leave without kissing you?
-I wasn't sure.
-Me either. But Mike is a great guy.
-He certainly is!
We aparted little and I looked AJ into his eyes. I swear I could see tears in them. He kissed me.
-You've been great too. This must have been the time of my life, AJ whispered.
-As well as mine.
And you could hear tears in my voice.
-I brought you something, AJ remembered and took thick envelope from his pocket. -Open it when...
He couldn't say it so I just nodded. We kissed one more time and then I let him go. I stared the floor, heard the steps and then the door. I held the envelope and my tears fell on it. He was gone.

I'm not sure how I got back to the hotel. When I closed our room's door I cried aloud. All AJ's clothes and other things were gone. Room was clean and impersonal, only my back bag was in the one corner. And still I could smell and sense AJ in that room.

I went to bed and sat down. Then I remembered the envelope. I took it out of my purse with shivering hands. "My love" was written on it. Carefully I opened it. The chain dropped into my hand. I looked it. It was thin, silver chain with a tear hanging from it. It was so beautiful. I put it on the bed and read the note that came along with it.
"Please don't cry." I heard AJ's voice in my ears. "I hate to leave you. But we both know why I have to do it. This tear is mine. Every time you feel it on your neck you know I'll be thinking of you. Because I will think you every step on my way. I can't wait to see you again. I hope it's soon. That these days without you would go faster than days with you. And still I know it's going to be opposite way. Ironic, isn't it?
Here's also our CD. Our new CD. I don't have to tell you that it's only for you. I shouldn't even give it to you but I trust you.
And I love you. I've loved you these two weeks and weeks before. Only God knows for how long.
Please don't cry. I see you smiling, your eyes, your sparkling laugh is music in my head. I'll talk to you soon. You can call me any time. I need to hear your voice.
God bless you. XXX, AJ."
I read it for three times. Then I took the necklace and put it on. Tear was cold but I stopped crying. I played the CD and lied on the bed. Somewhere around 4 am I fell asleep surrounded by AJ's love.

I woke up around noon and reached to other side of the bed. I couldn't find what I was looking for so I opened my eyes and then it all came back to me. Today I wouldn't say bye to AJ, then do my own things until Mike would drove me to the studio... But I didn't let myself cry. Instead I hopped up and went to shower. Then I quickly packed and put the keycard on the bed as we had agreed. There was no reason anyone to know that I had spent one extra night at the hotel. Actually no one should know that I had spent any night in there.

Memories were too fresh so since there was nothing to do I left. When walking out from hotel I felt free. No more sneaking around with the Boys, no more ugly sunglasses, do more different rented cars with different color and plates and always tinned windows. No more E. Gennero. No more AJ.

I forced myself to walk ahead. Just once I turned to see our window. It was like any other window.

There were big headlines of the party. I bought one paper. I couldn't understand all it said but there were few good pictures. That paper, necklace and CD were only material memories of that time in Stockholm.

I spent few hours in coffee shops until it was time to go home. I stood at the back of the boat and watched how Stockholm disappeared to the horizon.

Summer went by, day by day. I was surprised how easy it actually was. My work kept me busy and in my spare time I used to write a lot. Just before going to bed around midnight I called AJ usually to wake him up. They were in Mexico at the moment, promoting their Spanish album and also shooting video for their next single. It wasn't Instantly In Love but a song called Would You Hate Me. Anyway I knew that working would keep AJ busy so I didn't have to worry about him. Or what he may do.

I still went to BSB chat or message boards and sometimes I couldn't avoid the temptation of writing answers to messages which spread wrong information. Of course I didn't tell where I knew things but soon Jo got suspicious. I tried to explain her that we had had more news and interviews in Finland 'cause once Boys were in Stockholm everyone wanted to write about them. But then I started to get another mails where people wanted to know my source. Then I had to stop that. All I could do was see how people got hurt because of the wrong rumors. But then I thought that it wasn't my time or place to stop those rumors.

But I surprised Jo. I told her that I'd come to Florida at the beginning of August and would like to meet her then.
-Girl you've gotta tell me, she wrote. -Where have you been last few weeks?
-At our cottage, I replied later. -You should know that.
Her next message shocked me:
-Then why are you in some pictures taken in Stockholm while you were at your cottage?
-That's not me. But where did you see pics like that?
Jo gave me the internet address and I went to see them. And indeed in one picture I held the champagne glass and smiled. But I was in corner behind some plant so not that many people would recognize me from that picture. I hoped.
-Yeah okay, I wrote to Jo. -I'll tell you when I come there. So do you want to meet me?
-Certainly. Just let me know where or when, I'll be there!
I laughed. She wouldn't ever believe what I was about to tell her. Probably she thought that I had sneaked in there secretly and maybe had some words with boys. She was about to be so stunned...

But I was forgetting one thing. AJ and his opinion.
-Well, did you really think you could come here without explaining your family or friends for what and with what money?
-Yeah I did.
-You're sweet, AJ said. -But I think there's no harm you meeting Jo. Of course you can't bring anyone to my home and you'll also have to take Mike or Keegan with you. You never know what kind of psycho she is. But listen, we're about to go on stage now so...
I heard a loud voice and then screaming.
-AJ! AJ!!! I yelled to the phone but all I could hear were sounds that I then recognized as shots. Then all it was screaming, roar and then nothing. The call had ended. What just happened? I tried to call AJ again but the line was busy. As usual I had called him just before going to bed but I knew I couldn't sleep until I'd find out what had happened. So I opened my computer and searched their schedules. Yes, they were still in Mexico City, just about to perform in some kind of charity event in one of the biggest market square in town. Then I logged into chat and waited.

After twenty minutes waiting I found out that they had really been shot. It was in news all over America and soon even in the net. But nothing was sure, no one knew who'd been shot or if maybe some one had... died. I still tried to call AJ thou I knew it was worthless.

1.30 am my phone finally rang. It was Leighanne. I heard at once that she had been crying.
-Lee is everything all right?
-Hold on.
I heard she took a deep breath.
-Everyone's alive.
I started crying.
-Brian, Kevin and Howie are OK, little bit shocked, black and blue but fine. Nick broke his wrist and is putted in blaster.
-What about AJ?
-He was hit.
-Oh my God!
-No, not that bad. Just a scratch in his arm, nothing serious, Leighanne calmed me down.
-Then they're OK, I said.
-No, not really. The reason AJ didn't hurt any worse was because Mike saved him.
-Mike... I whispered. -Not Mike.
-He's hanging there. He has two bullets in his stomach and one in his elbow. The doctors are hopeful, he's in surgery right now.
-Oh Lord.
That was all I could say.
-They're coming home tomorrow.
-Do you know who did it?
-So far all I've head is that it was some jealous boyfriend.
-That's just crazy.
-I know, Leighanne agreed. -But I just thought you may wanna know what's going on.
-Yeah. I was on the phone with AJ just when it happened. It was two hours ago.
-Oh sweetie, you must been worrying!
-Yeah, you know that news don't tell that much.
-That's true. But try to get some sleep. It's almost morning there isn't it?
-Not quite yet, almost 2 am thou.
-I'm sure AJ will call you whenever it's possible. Sorry, I have to go now, boy is crying.
Leighanne hang up and I stared the screen where messages were typed one after other. Someone wanted to know if Bri was getting divorce. I laughed bitterly. Few hours earlier I would have said that they're more happy than ever before but now I really didn't know. I was devastated. I took my keys and my phone and went out to smoke. In my room the screen was full of "I'm sorry"s but I sat outside 'til the sun rose. AJ still hadn't called. I went in, turned the computer off and just stared out from window.

I thought what I could do. And then I knew. I packed some things, ate a little, called shortly my sister and then a cab.
Soon I sat in the car. Familiar scenery glanced past my eyes and I was heading the great unknown.

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