We were almost there when my phone rang.
-Yes? I answered. It was quiet for a while.
-Yes? Hello? I asked again.
-Oh sorry, this line is bad...
-Alex?
I checked the driver out but he seemed concentrated on his job.
-Yeah it's me. Listen, something came up.
-I know, Leighanne called me last night. I'm so sorry!
-Well, that doesn't help much. But I'm OK.
-What about Mike?
-He was in surgery. He's critical but stable. They wont tell us more.
-At least he's alive.
-Listen, you can't come here.
-What? I was amazed. -I thought you'd be coming to US today. Or tomorrow. What time is it?
-It really doesn't matter. You can't come to US.
-So you're saying that you have new schedules. Maybe few days later then that you have time to arrange things...
-I mean not at all.
I couldn't speak. AJ sounded so distant and cold.
-E. Are you still there?
I could only say "yes" because tears were bursting from my eyes.
-I'm so sorry, now I could hear AJ crying too. -But I just can't risk your life.
-Alex what are you talking about?
-It should have been me, not Mike! Me! The shooter was after me. He wanted to kill me...
-He was just some maniac boy...
-No! It's gonna happen again, I know. And I can't let you stand beside me and take the bullets like Mike did.
-But that's his job.
-Maybe so but it isn't yours. So please, just stay there.
-Is it this then? This is the end?
I didn't want to hear the answer.
-Yes. This is the end.
-Alex, you're in shock. You don't mean this!
-I'm sorry. Don't call me anymore.
-But...
He hang up. I looked out from the window. I could see the airport.
-Take me back, I said to the driver.
-What?
-Turn around and take me back to town. Drive straight downtown.
I wiped my tears and the driver didn't ask anymore questions, just did as told and made U-turn. The meter was running but I couldn't care.

I just couldn't go home. I sat by the sea and tried to call AJ every 15 minutes, but his cell phone was off so all I could have done is to leave a message to his answering machine and I didn't want to do that. I wanted to speak with AJ and that seemed impossible.

Then I actually had to go to work. My holiday hadn't started yet. If only I could have explained AJ what kind of sacrifice I was about to make for him!

Work sucked. I was way too tired and tensed. But that was my last day there so I was forgiven no matter what I did. But then again I was too sad to really appreciate it. When the day was over, I was still lost. I would be free to whatever for the next few weeks and suddenly it was worthless. AJ's phone was on but he didn't answer. "Don't call me anymore". How was I supposed to do that after all "I love you"s? How was I supposed just to give up? You can't stop loving someone just if you want to. And I didn't even want to!

I tried to call Leighanne and Howie but no one answered. Since I couldn't go home and I had all my stuff with me I hopped on the bus and called my parents that I was coming. When I finally late in the evening got there I just wrote few e-mails and robbed my parent's fridge and cycled to our cottage. My phone was totally dead. No calls, no messages, no nothing. I was completely alone.

-I can't understand him, I mumbled to the phone.
Howie had wakened me up in the middle of the night.
-Well, somehow I can. He's protecting you.
-Yeah sure. No matter how much misery that brings to both of us.
-Just let him cool off for a while.
-Howie! I got 18 days holiday. After that it's gonna be x-mas 'til I could come to meet him for any longer time.
-I know.
-I know you do. And AJ knows too. That's what scares me. How long is he going to wait? Until he's shot again? And how long am I supposed to wait? Forever?
-So he said that this is the end.
-Yes he did.
-Then you have to face that option too.
-But I don't want to.
-E. I wish I could help. But this is between you and him. I can try to talk to him but I can't promise anything.
-Gee, thanks.
-That's all I can do.
-I know, I'm sorry. I'm just so frustrated. He doesn't even answer my calls.
-Give him time.
-I don't have any. But thanks anyway. If you could at least convince him to call me and talk this over.
-I'll do my best. Now go back to sleep!
-I will. Bye.
But it was almost morning and the sun was coming up. I was very very tired but my thoughts kept going so I knew it was impossible for me to sleep anymore. So I got up and made some coffee and went outside to drink that and smoke a cigarette while listening birds to sing and sun to reach my cold toes. No sun could reach my heart.

Everyone seemed to have same opinion:
-There's nothing you can do.
I hated Leighanne's patronizing voice.
-That's what you keep telling me!
-This isn't easy for any of us. Something has changed for good. This wont be the last time when their lives are threatened.
-And it wasn't the first. At least you can stand next to Brian and be there for him. What about me?
-It's AJ's choice.
Last two days haven't changed his opinion. He still didn't answer and Howie told me that once he mentioned me AJ left the room.
-And I don't have anything to say to that?
-I think you've said it all.
And I couldn't help feeling that Leighanne was kind of relieved getting rid of me. Now it would be the same as last few years. Five guys and two wives, no outsiders. That's what I was. Outsider.
-Yes I have.
-Don't be angry.
-I'm sad.
-I know.
-You have no idea!
-OK, then.
-I gotta go.
I hanged up. And tears were falling. I had lost AJ. For good. From now on I'd be just some fan following their lives.

Radio played "Show me the meaning of being lonely". I sat there listening the words and tried to figure out what was my reason of being lonely. I couldn't find one.

Later that day I made my decision. I took my bike and went back to my parents. First I sent one clear e-mail to every Jo's address I possibly knew. And then all I could do was to wait. Next morning I got my answer. My mom and dad were amazed when I left. I was like a hurricane now when I knew what to do.

I stood there with all my bags in my feet. I looked around but no one seemed familiar to me. Everyone was in a hurry and they bumped me every once in a while. I grabbed my bags and started to walk. Maybe Jo didn't get my e-mail. Or she was late. Then what am I going to do? But then I saw her. And I knew it was her the way she looked around. And then she took a sign with a name on it. Once again a false one since I didn't want to use my real name and certain people could recognize "E. Gennero". Possibility was low but I didn't want to risk anything.
Then Jo saw me and I could see the smile on her face.
-Hey! What's this?
We hugged. I just asked her to come get me from the airport, with no explanations. So I would have to give her one now.
-I'll tell you in the car. But first I need something to eat. I'm starving, plane food sucks.
-It does, I know. Is McDonald's OK? Where are you going?
-Hold on, I'll tell you later.

I was surprised how easy it was. It was our first meeting! But it was great and simple. When driving out from the airport I told her what had happened. Jo almost got into an accident when I told her that I was AJ's new girlfriend. Well, I wasn't anymore, but that was not my point.

After finishing the story to the moment when I realized that my open flight ticket to US was still on and decided to come and solve things out.
-So AJ doesn't know you're here?
-No. No one does. Except my parents and you.
-Wow! You're brave.
-Thank you. But right now I'm feeling terrified.

I was glad I chose Jo to take me here since I was sure she'd knew where AJ lived. And she did. We were getting closer. I searched my bags trough and found what I was looking for.
-This is his home street, Jo told me after we had turned to a very beautiful street. Gardens blooming all around the big houses. Then Jo slowed down and parked her car.
-That's his house.
I looked over to it. It was huge! Even the part I could see from the street amazed me.
-I can't take you in. I'm not sure even if I can get there.
-It's OK, Jo said. -But promise me I'll get to meet him.
My smile was sad.
-If I can. And if not I'll send Howie over.
-Don't give up now! You're so close.
-I'm not giving up. So wish me luck that he isn't either.
I looked the house once again. There was small gate and two men standing there. They didn't seem dangerous but I knew that they would be ready to kill to protect AJ. Kill and die.
I opened the door.
-Please wait until I'm in.
-I will. Good luck!

I took my bags and came out from the car. I could see how the guards started to follow me with their eyes. I forced myself to walk ahead. My hand was holding a piece of paper which should quarantine my entrance. I didn't want the guards to call AJ and ask him if I could go in or not. Because I simply didn't want to hear "no".

I was getting closer and one of the guards started to walk towards me.
-Lady, you shouldn't come any closer.
I kept walking. The guard had stopped. Once I got to him I gave him the paper. He read it.
-OK, come on over here, man said and signed me to follow him. I looked behind and saw Jo sitting in the car and squeezing the wheel. I smiled at her and then followed the man. He went to this other guard and showed him the note I gave him. They both read it again and looked at me.
-Ms. Gennero.
-Yes?
-Umm... This note...
I knew exactly what it was. It was written and signed by Mike. It was the very same note UPS brought me when I went to Stockholm for the second time. Simply it quarantined my access everywhere the boys went.
-This signature...
-Yes it must sound weird in this circumstance but Mike wrote that when we were still in Stockholm. It was agreed that I'd come here. I'm sorry I didn't let you know before but I really need to surprise AJ. And I guess that Mike hasn't informed you either? I'm sure he meant to do that when they'd get back from Mexico. It's so terrible what happened. Did you know Mike?
-We've met him.
-He's such a jolly person. Always telling jokes and laughing with Keegan. Oh, I do miss him. But he is still alive, isn't he?
-We think so.
They read the note again.
-So Ms. Gennero, do you wish us to call the house you're coming?
-Rather not. As I said I want to surprise AJ.
-OK. Oh, leave your bags here, we'll bring them for you later. Just follow the road.
He glanced at the monitor.
-AJ is on the backyard. Just go around the house, he'll be there.
-Thank you gentlemen. Have a nice day!

They opened the gate and let me in. I turned around once to see Jo still sitting in the car. I raised my hand little and whispered "Call you" hoping that she'd understand my lip moves.

Then not wanting to make the guards any suspicious I started to walk to the house.

I tried to look like I had been there before. It was kind of hard because I had no idea which way to go. The walk from the gate seemed endless. Once the trees and bushes surrounded me I stood still and took deep breath. I was shivering even it was way too hot for my Scandinavian summer clothing.

I walked around the house and saw him. He was sitting in the backyard and tears came into my eyes when I saw bandage in his arm. Howie and Nick were there too. Howie saw me first.
-Hey Nick, would you like to eat something? he asked without taking his eyes out of me.
-Nah, I'm not hungry.
-Well, it's a hot day, let's get you something to drink.
Howie took Nick with him and went in.
I looked at AJ for a while. Then he lifted his head and without any hesitation looked straight at me. I walked closer and sat down. AJ looked away.
-You shouldn't be here.
-Well, here I am.
-But you shouldn't.
I wish he'd say more to make it easier for me to do what I was about to do. But he watched the sky, he didn't even blink. I rubbed my hands together.
-I'm sorry.
I wanted him to react in any way but silence surrounded me again.
-I can�t understand it. I don't know what it's like. How could I? But I understand what kind of sacrifices you have done in your life. Sure you get to live in house like this, meet beautiful people, and do what you love. And for what? To see how someone is shot in front of your eyes. And feeling that it should've been you. Letting go of relationships because you want to protect others while you make sure that it doesn't matter if the bullets get you because in the end you have no reason to live. If you let that happen they'll kill you now. I used to think that love is not enough.
I waited for a second that AJ would have chance to say something. But he didn't have any comments.
-But it is all. It's everything. And I'm about to make a huge sacrifice for it. I have two options and only you can tell me which one to choose. First is to let go of this love, walk away from here right now and never see you again. I still have my life, it's not easy to go back but I can do that. I don't know if I'll ever get over this pain. Will I always think that I chose wrong? I can't know that. Finally I can forgive myself. You, I don't know. Second is to stay. Now and forever. Say goodbye to all I used to be and be here with you. Walk with you trough the darkest valleys and if I'd stumble, you'd carry me. Either one I choose I'll loose much. But one of them has so much to give. Which one is it AJ? Because I mean it, if you let me go now, I'll be gone forever.
I was crying and I could see tears on AJ's eyes too even if he was still looking away. I folded my hands and sent a little prayer up to heaven. Because longer I could see AJ sitting there silent, more I knew I wanted to say and more I scared that he didn't want me to.
But I waited.

-E.
It wasn't really a question but I answered anyway:
-Yes?
-How did you get in?
-What?
-I mean do you got a key.
I smiled a little and AJ looked at me.
-In a way.
-In a way what?
-I've got a key.
-Then how can I keep you away?
-You can't.
AJ had stood up and walked towards me. I got up also. I brushed the hair off my face. Then I felt his touch. His fingertips burnt gently skin under my eyes. I grazed his bandage.
-I don't want to let you go. Not now, not ever, he whispered.
-You don't have to.
-But some day you'll hate me because I let you sacrifice everything.
-Trust me, I'll hat you anyway. But even then I will love you more.
AJ came closer to me.
-How do you do that?
-Do what?
-Always make the perfect entrance when I'm sure I'll never see you again?
He didn't wait for my answer but kissed me.
And it was the sweetest kiss forever. Then I heard laughing and wrangling. We both looked in where Howie and Nick had stacked their noses to the window.
-Can we ever get rid of them? I asked.
-Sure.
AJ reached to remote control and soon the boys where behind the curtains. AJ kissed me again but we could still hear boys talking.
-Awl... Do you have remote for that?
-Sure.
AJ grabbed my hand and we went in. Then he pushed one button.
-Listen guys, I have two pains in my ass, make sure that they know their way out.
I laughed at Nick's stunned face. Howie smiled - as usual.
-And you my lady, AJ hugged me. -We will go upstairs and some time tomorrow when we come down next time I don't want to see you two in here!
He tried really hard to sound mad but didn't succeed that well. Three of us were laughing.
-OK. Come on now AJ. It's been a month, I'm sure you have bigger things to worry than these two buggers.
-Are you saying that...?
-She's got you all, Howie said.
-Now shut up and get out from here! AJ doesn't want you to know if he's incapable. But I'm sure he'll call you tonight and tell every detail.
-I will not!
-Isn't that what guys do? OK, bye boys.
They left and AJ looked at me.
-You know all those things you said outside...
-I meant it all.
-I know. Just for a few seconds I forgot what you're really like.
-And how's that?
-Like my lady. Now. And forever.
- So let's go have a good sex?
-Sure. If you're able...
-Now!
He started to chase me and I run upstairs. In the hall he caught me.
-I love you, he said.
I answered with a kiss.

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