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bang!

I had a nightmare about AJ being shot. I opened my eyes - and there he was.
-Good morning!
-Oh... What time is it? I mumbled.
-It's almost 9.
-Am or pm?
AJ laughed and sat on the bed.
-I was worried.
-Don't be.
I tried to get back to sleep but AJ kept talking.
-Driver was there 5 minutes after you'd left.
-So? I'm here now.
-You could have called me.
-To where? I was awake - and angry. -I don't even know your room number! And do you think they're gonna give it to me if I ask? I don't think so.
-But...
-AJ. I live in a normal world. I can handle normal situations. It's not unusual to get home from a club by taxi. It's not unusual in Helsinki and it's not unusual here. So please don't blame yourself. And let me sleep now.
I tried to pull the blanket under AJ but he wouldn't move.
-And how did you get in? I suddenly realized that he apparently could walk trough closed doors.
-I've got a key.
The tone of his voice made me realize that I was almost naked in the bed. I had only my panties on. I pulled the blanket tighter around me.
-So you could've checked me earlier.
-I did.
-OK. So what now?
-We're going to the studio in about a hour.
-What am I suppose to do?
-You come with us. I won't let you go.
-But I have to leave tonight.
-I know. Breakfast? Lady get up!
AJ tried to take the blanket away from me.
-Please! I'm naked!
-Naked? AJ got interested. -Really?
He kept holding the blanket.
-Please... I begged.
-OK.
I didn't know to be happy or what. The feeling from last night had came back.
-Please give me my robe. You mentioned breakfast?
-Here you go. If you get yourself ready I'll call them to take it into my room.
-Turn around! I insisted after realizing that getting out of bed wasn't that easy. AJ did as told and I got up.
-Give me fifteen minutes.
-You got ten.
-You're awful!
I went to the bathroom and left AJ laughing to the phone.

The breakfast was all I could wish. We laughed and talked. I'd written to him some of my deepest secrets and we went trough that too.

But too soon it was over. We had to head to the recording studio. Nick came to get us and I can tell you that he smiled widely.
-It's not what you think, AJ just said.
-Isn't it? Nick laughed.
-No, I tried to en the conversation but Nick kept teasing me all the way so finally AJ told him what had happened. All of it.
-So you sleep naked?
I blushed.
-Good so does AJ.
And they laughed.

Day was long and sweet. Boys were singing all the time and no one had time to talk to me. Leighanne stopped by with their son, the first Baby Backstreet Boy. Everyone called him Lil'Bri. I'm sure he had real name but I didn't catch it.

But they left when baby got restless and I sat there alone again. It was getting late and I knew I should be gone soon. I tried to sign that to AJ but he didn't seem to care.
-Let's take Int.
I put the headphones on and listened boys singing. When they sang "If there's heaven I'll take you there and never let you go" AJ looked straight on me and I could feel his look like the touches before.
It was very beautiful song and I was sorry when it ended.
-Is there anything you want to say to them? mixer asked me.
I nodded and he let me by the mic. I pushed the button.
-Thank you boys. I got to go.
And at the same time all four walked out of the studio. Howie kept the door open for me and I walked in. AJ stood there smiling at the boys.
-Close the door!
They did as told and silence surrounded us.
-So this is it, he said.
I couldn't say anything. AJ came to me and I knew that he was about to kiss me. He hesitated for a second and I didn't let him do that. I went to mic. I could see all the guys on the other side of glass.
-Play it again!
Instantly in love played. And when it got to the heaven part again I went to AJ and kissed him. And kissed... And kissed...

Finally the guys started to hit the glass to make us stop. After a while we did. It was silent again, the song had ended.
I smiled at AJ. I didn't want to cry so I kissed him once more.
-Bye. Call me.
And I walked away. Guys were cheering as I walked out from the studio. I turned once to see AJ in the glassbox surrounded by his friends, his group, his life. And still he looked sad. I almost got to cry and I was ready to go back but I didn't let myself to do that. It's harder to walk away but if I wouldn't I couldn't come back.

I couldn't sleep on my home either. The sea was stormy and I prayed all night. As much for not drowning to the sea as drowning into AJ's eyes. They were burnt on my mind.

But I got home OK. Tired thou but OK. It all was very surreal. That nothing in Helsinki hadn't changed and I was totally different person. I turned my computer on and he was there thou it was 8 am. Soon the screen started to blink when he typed his first message.
-Got home all right?
-Yeah.
-Good.
-What are you up so early?
-I tried to call you but your phone's not on. I hoped you'd come here.
-You know me too well.
I started to eat my sandwich while waiting his next line.
-I miss you.
-Already?
-Yes. Can you come back here anytime soon?
- I don't know yet. It depends on my work shifts.
-Camoon...
I wanted to laugh but I couldn't.
-I wish I knew, I typed. -But I really don't know.
-Tell me you're not scared.
-I can't.
I wished I didn't have to type that. But I was more afraid that ever before.
-I'd like to kiss you again.
-Me too.
-To kiss you?
-You know what I mean.
-I do. Can you take this?
-I don't know. I really don't know.
-There seems to be a lot you don't know.
-I know that I love you.
-I love you too.
-I don't know how to handle this. It seemed easy when I was with you but now...
-I need to know.
-Is this a good place for this conversation?
-We learned to know each other in here. And do we have any other options?
-I guess we don't. You know, my battery is low...
-I'm laughing. Actually I'm not. Tell me.
-I can't give you any answers right now. It would be wrong. You've got to give me time.
-Shit. I gotta go. Talk to you later.

And he was gone - once again. I felt suddenly sad. And then I was even more scared. But I couldn't do anything else than check my mail, load my batter and go to bed.

That day went by. So did the next one. I slept, ate, and worked as usual. I didn't have anyone to talk to because I had promised AJ that I'd never tell anyone anything. Jo's e-mails made me happy for a while but all the time I waited to hear something about AJ.

Then at the third night my phone rang. I was unknown number so it had to be from abroad. I wished it'd be AJ.
-Yes? I answered hasty.
-Is this E?
-Yes.
First I thought that it was AJ but then I realized he'd never ask questions like that. He would simply say:
-This is Alex. Who am I talking to?
And I'd answer:
-I don't know about you but I think I'm nero.
-The Caesar or genius?
-Genius.
Then he'd know it's really me. So who was this then?
-Hi it's D. You know me?
-HD? Yes I know you?
-Where am I?
-In Stockholm, probably in your hotel room on the seventh floor.
-OK. It's you.
-Why are you calling? Is AJ OK?
My heart almost stopped imagining what could have happened.
-Yes. And no. He's miserable.
-I'm sorry to hear that. But why call me?
-Because he wont. What have you said to him? Everything was okay when you left.
-What did I say to him?
-He don't want your name to be mentioned. And he wont sing "Instantly in love" at all.
-So that bad ha?
-Yeah. What did you do?
-I didn't do anything. I love him.
-This time that wont be enough.
-I can't answer all his questions.
-You're not sure?
-How could I be if all I can give is love and it's not enough?
-I know.
-I'm glad someone does.
-Maybe you should talk to him.
-And how is that gonna happen?
-We're gonna leave in two days.
-That soon?
-We're almost done here. Guys want to fly back to US before that promo tour in Japan. You'd better come here and quickly.
-I'll see what I can do.
-I have tickets booked for you on the flight early in the morning. UPS will deliver the tickets and some cash for you in about hour. Don't worry about packing, just get in here. If you need anything I'll buy it for you. OK?
-Are you sure that I want to come?
-This is only chance you've got. I bet 20 you don't want to miss this.
-Your gonna get your own money back!
-Someone will wait you at the airport with the sign.
-That says?
-Your name. Or actually E. Gennero. Go to that person and show him the note that UPS brings to you. He'll take you here. It'll be 7 am so you can go straight to his room. Be gentle please.
-D.
-What?
-You arranged this before you knew I'd come.
-I knew you would.
-Ha! And D?
-What?
-Thanks.
-You're welcome. See you in the morning.

I was in the elevator going up. I was exhausted. The UPS delivery came as Howie said. And I worried about packing. I had the next day off and I was lucky that one of my colleagues could do my shift the day after that. So everything was OK. Except one thing and that I was going to take care of.

I slipped the keycard trough the lock and heard quiet snap when the door opened. I pushed it a little and peeked in. The room was dark and silent. I stepped in and closed the door behind. It took a while to get used to lack of light but then I could see AJ sleeping on his bed. He looked so young and peaceful that I didn't dare to wake him. So I sat on the couch and waited.

It took almost one hour before he reacted in any ways. He turned but didn't open his eyes. I whispered his name softly. Once. And twice. Then he opened his eyes.
-You know, he said. -I'm having this weird dream. It starts when I wake up. And I see you in my hotel room thou it's what? 7.45. Then when I try to come to you, you disappear.
-Let me come to you.
I stood up and walked to the bed. AJ reached to touch my hand.
-Either this is very real dream or you really are here.
-I'm here and you're awake.
AJ rolled to his back and closed his eyes. I stood still. Finally he opened his eyes but didn't look at me. Instead he stared the roof.
-What are you doing here?
-I came to see you.
-How? Why?
-Howie called me. Since you didn't.
-Shit. Shit. Shit fuck!
AJ seemed very upset and I felt like I shouldn't have come. I took one step backwards.
-No no no! I didn't mean you.
And AJ was sitting on the bed and looking at me.
-I just don't like that people try to control my life.
-He is your friend. He tries to do what's best. I'm sorry that this time it went wrong.
I turned around.
-It went all right.
I turned back.
-It's so great that you're here. It's just a bit of shock. A lady in my bedroom. First I didn't know it was you. And how did you get in?
-I've got a key, I grinned. Exactly the same words as AJ had used when coming into my room earlier. AJ remembered it too and laughed.
-We have to stop sneaking into each other's rooms.
-Do we? I was dead serious.
-You tell me.
-I wouldn't have come if...
-You didn't love me?
-That too. But I could love you from distance. Good Lord, that's what I've been doing last six months! Now... It's not enough. After we kissed that's all I could think.
-Me too. I'm sorry I did that.
-Don't! And to clear your mind, I kissed you.
-Me.
-Whatever. But you should know that no one kisses me unless I want to. Deal?
-Deal. Why did you come?
-I want this. I want you. It's gonna be hard. You have your life and I can't walk out of mine. We've done great so far. My mind and heart have traveled with you. All of me - that I can't do yet. But you got all of me now, for these two days.
-Two days?
-Howie said you're gonna leave.
-That bastard, AJ laughed loudly.
-What? What? Tell me...
-We're here for two more weeks. That promo thing in Japan is canceled. We'll have to finish our recordings and the we fly trough US to Mexico to ad our new Spanish single. He lied to you.
-Cool. That's just fine. I kill him.
-If you'd knew would you be here now?
-I don't know. Maybe I'd waited for few more days.
-I'm glad you didn't.
-Did I have a lot of choices? I don't have money or time to fly to Japan. Or to Mexico.
-Come here.
AJ reached for me and I went to his arms.
-I can't promise you anything but this moment.
-Then that'll do.
We kissed until there was a bang on the door.
-AJ! AJ! Let me in, it's me Nick.
I smiled widely.
-Let him in before he breaks the door.
I sat on the bed and AJ went to door. Nick came in like a hurricane.
-Camoon man, we got to go. What you're not dressed yet? Uups... Sorry.
I laughed to Nick's reaction.
-It's OK.
-Just let me take a shower. I'll be down in five, AJ said.
-He can be very fast you know...
I threw Nick with a pillow.
-Now get out of here and give us our privacy!
Nick left giggling. AJ looked stunned.
-GO!
-You know I have to.
-So go get that shower until all the Boys are here!
-OK OK!
AJ went to bathroom and I made myself more comfortable. I watched with great intense when AJ put his clothes on.
-I could eat you...
-Don't tempt me!
-...but I'm too tired now. Don't work too hard because after I've slept few hours I can do miracles.
-Ummm... I'll see you afternoon.
I laid on the bed and AJ came to give me a kiss. Just after he left the phone rang. I reached to it and mumbled something so that you wouldn't know if it's AJ or not.
-E?
-D?
-Everything's OK?
-More that OK.
-Good. Talk to you later. AJ just got down.
-OK. Have a good session.
I put the phone back and relaxed. I pulled the blanket on me. The pillows smelled like AJ. It comforted me a lot and soon I was asleep.

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