EXT. CRAPSWORTH ESTATE - DAY

               Kenneth's jet black Hummer sits sparkling clean in the
               driveway.  Nearby, Auggie leaps from the behind the wall on
               top, trips and falls flat on his face in the driveway.

               He shakes off the sting and slides underneath the Hummer. He
               pulls a slim knife from his pocket and slices the brake line. 

               But his miscalculates and the fluid streams all over his
               face, temporarily blinding him.

               Kenneth walks out the door with his briefcase, whistling a
               tune.  He waves at a NEIGHBOR across the street.

               He doesn't see Marla behind him, armed with a crossbow, aimed
               at his back. 

               Kenneth looks down -- sees something.

                                   KENNETH
                         Hey, a penny.

               He bends over, just as Marla fires the crossbow.  The arrow
               sails over him and hits the Neighbor dead on.  The Neighbor
               collapses just as Kenneth stands back up.

                                   KENNETH (cont'd)
                         Must be my lucky day.

               Marla SLAMS the door and from behind it, we can hear her
               SCREAM. 

               Kenneth gets into the Hummer and fires up the engine. 
               Auggie, still underneath, wipes the fluid from his face and
               starts to slide back out.

               He's horrified to discover that he's caught underneath. He
               tries to free himself, but can't.  He opens his mouth in a
               silent scream as Kenneth drives away, Auggie attached.



               EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

               The Hummer bounces along, hitting every pothole in the
               street.  Auggie's head gets smacked every time. 

               Kenneth whistles a tune as he drives.  He spots a big pile of
               broken glass in the street.  He starts to turn but --

                                   KENNETH
                         Aw, this baby can take it.

               He drives straight over the glass.  We hear Auggie SCREAM
               underneath.  Kenneth cocks his head like he hears, but then
               shrugs it off. 

               Up ahead, a road crew is spreading tar all over the road. 
               Kenneth just blasts on through, not even hearing them shout. 

               Underneath, Auggie is completely covered in tar.  He keeps
               trying to free himself, but can't.  

               Further ahead, there's a massive car crash involving a truck
               delivering pillows. Feathers blanket the road and Kenneth
               drives right through. 

               Auggie is completely tarred and feathered.  He looks like a
               big chicken.  

               Kenneth presses down on the brakes.  His brow curls when it
               has no effect.

                                   KENNETH (cont'd)
                         What the --

               He keeps jamming down on the brake with no effect.  Kenneth
               presses his "ONSTAR" button.  The ONSTAR OPERATOR comes on.

                                   ONSTAR OPERATOR
                         This is OnStar.  How can I help
                         you?

                                   KENNETH
                         Yeah, hi.  My brakes don't seem to
                         be working.

                                   ONSTAR OPERATOR
                         I see that the vehicle is still in
                         motion.  Are you sure your brakes
                         aren't working.

                                   KENNETH
                         Yeah, pretty sure.

                                   ONSTAR OPERATOR
                         Okay then, here's what I want you
                         to do.  GET OUT OF THE DAMN CAR!!

               Kenneth immediately opens the door and leaps out, luckily
               landing on old mattress on the side of the road.  

               The Hummer careens down the road and SLAMS into another truck
               parked near a warehouse. 

               Auggie sails out from under the Hummer and slides into the
               warehouse where he lands on a conveyor belt ramp.  He rides
               the ramp up into another truck.



               INT. DELIVERY TRUCK - DAY

               Auggie shakes off the crash and looks around at his
               surroundings.  It's dead silent.  Auggie tries to see through
               the feathers.

               The truck is full of roosters.   They all stare at him. 



               EXT. STREET - DAY

               As the truck rolls out the loud sound of ROOSTERS crowing mix
               with Auggie's screams.

               INT. DRESS SHOP - DAY.

               We see Marla looking around shopping for a dress. She looks
               at some dresses and continues to walk on. She picks up some
               dresses and puts them back. Tawny approaches her.

                                   TAWNY
                         Mrs. Crapsworth!

                                   MARLA
                         Don't worry, I know what my husband
                         is doing to your family, but I
                         assure you, I'm not a part of it.
                         I'm looking for a good funeral
                         dress.

                                   TAWNY
                         Well I'll help you out with that.

                                   MARLA
                         Will you, oh that will be so great.

               They continue to look at dresses together.  Tawny picks out
               an all black ensemble. 

                                   TAWNY 
                         This one looks good.

                                   MARLA
                         Not festive enough.  So how are you
                         and Auggie doing?

                                   TAWNY
                         I'm a little pissed at him right
                         now for sleeping with that whore,
                         Sissy.
                             (Beat)
                         Oh that's right, she's your
                         daughter. Sorry.

                                   MARLA
                         Don't be. She is a whore.

                                   TAWNY
                         So who's this funeral for anyways?

                                   MARLA
                         My husband.

                                   TAWNY
                         But I didn't know he was dead?

                                   MARLA
                         He's not.  But I've been feeling
                         lucky these days.

               We see a good looking SALESMAN walk over to Marla.

                                   SALESMAN
                         Wow, Mrs. Crapsworth, you are
                         beautiful.  

               Marla blushes a little.

                                   SALESMAN (cont'd)
                         Could I...help you try that dress
                         on? 

                                   MARLA
                         Well thank you.

               As they start to head back, Marla turns to Tawny.  

                                   MARLA (cont'd)
                             (seductive)
                         Would you like to help too?

                                   TAWNY
                         I'll take a raincheck. 

                                   MARLA
                         I'll hold you to it.

               She disappears in back with the Salesman.



               EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY

               Sissy zooms up to the loading zone and parks her SUV. She
               gets out wearing a tank top with velcro straps with a sign
               that reads: PULL TAB FOR EMERGENCY SEX.



               INT. HOSPITAL HALL - DAY

               Dirk walks out of a patient room whistling a tune. He stops
               by Brenda's desk and drops off the chart.

                                   DIRK
                         Send that patient up to surgery.

                                   BRENDA
                         What kind of operation?

                                   DIRK
                         I dunno. Make something up.  

                                   BRENDA
                         Are you sure --

                                   DIRK
                         Look, she smells like rotten milk. 
                         Now get her off my floor.  And put
                         somebody pretty in there.  

               He heads down the hall leaving Brenda stunned.  As he rounds
               a corner, he notices a high heel laying on the floor. 

                                   DIRK (cont'd)
                         What's this?

               He then sees the other shoe laying a few feet ahead. 
               Curious, he goes to the next high heel and now sees a pair of
               panty-hose further ahead.   A trail of clothes. 

               Like a hound dog, he follows the clothes -- skirt, vest,
               blouse and finally -- panties. There are right outside a door
               with a sign that reads: REHAB ROOM. 



               INT. REHAB ROOM - HOSPITAL - DAY

               Dirk enters and is immediately overcome by steam.  He looks
               to the rehab jacuzzi and sees Sissy sitting in it, a
               seductive smile on her face.

                                   SISSY
                         Hello, Dr. Banner.

                                   DIRK
                         Do I know you?

                                   SISSY
                         You're about to.  

               With one big tug, Dirk RIPS his clothes off and jumps in the
               hot tub.  He and Sissy kiss passionately.

                                   DIRK
                         I don't even know your name.

                                   SISSY
                         Since when has that ever stopped
                         you? 

                                   DIRK
                         Good point.

               They continue kissing and when a puff of steam dissipates, WE
               can see the room is full of photographers, some with video
               cameras. 

               Dirk turns back and they all duck out of the way.

                                   DIRK (cont'd)
                         Did you hear something? 

                                   SISSY
                         It was nothing.  Now give me some
                         sugar, baby.

                                   DIRK
                         That's my line.

               They kiss again, completely lost in the moment.  The
               photographers step back out.  Flash bulbs go off like
               strobes.

               An assistant even steps next to the hot tub with a light
               meter, stepping back away after he takes his reading.   Dirk
               is completely oblivious,

               As the sounds get more heated between the two, all the
               photographers tilt their heads, like getting a different
               angle. 

               One INSECURE PHOTOGRAPHER, looks both amazed and worried. 

                                   INSECURE PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Oh my God.  The rumors are true.  I
                         FEEL SO INADEQUATE!

               He hurtles across the room and throws himself through the
               window with a shower of glass.  His screams fade as he falls.  

               Dirk lifts his head again like he's heard something, but
               Sissy pulls him back to her. 



               EXT. CRAPSWORTH PLAZA - DAY

               Normal busy activity around the plaza. In the distance, a
               window washing scaffolding rises up the massive skyscraper. 



               INT. KENNETH'S OFFICE - CRAPSWORTH BUILDING - DAY

               Rachel hangs up the phone as Kenneth paces back and forth
               through his enormous office. 

                                   RACHEL
                         Well, it doesn't look like the
                         takeover will work.  At least not
                         for now.

                                   KENNETH
                         What a bad call. 

                                   RACHEL
                         Not to worry.  I may have found a
                         strategy to deal with it.

                                   KENNETH
                         You're wasting time...

                                   RACHEL
                         Well then I'll get to the point. 
                         If Eate's Ice Cream was to be shut
                         down by the Health Department,
                         their stock would plunge. 

                                   KENNETH
                         It's risky...risky.  Don't go for
                         the easy payoff. 

               Rachel doesn't quite know how to answer.  Unseen in the
               window behind them, the window washing scaffolding rises up.  

               Perched on it is Auggie, looking beat up and still sporting a
               few feathers.  He readies a rifle. 

                                   RACHEL
                         Look all you have to do is make
                         sure that Eate's gets shut down. 
                         I'll take care of the rest.  Now
                         about Sissy's problem...

                                   KENNETH
                         WIDE OPEN!! WIDE OPEN!  TAKE IT
                         INSIDE!

                                   RACHEL
                         But she's your daughter!

                                   KENNETH
                         Son of a bitch!

               Rachel begins to suspect.  She walks over to Kenneth and
               looks a little closer.  Now she can see a tiny set of
               earphones he's wearing. 

               She yanks them out making him yelp.  From the headphones WE
               can hear a football game going on.  He's been listening the
               entire time. 

               Outside, Auggie takes aim. 

                                   RACHEL
                         Do I have to do everything for you?

                                   KENNETH
                         Well what do I pay you for?  

               Rachel rolls her eyes and throws the headphones to the floor. 

               Just as Kenneth bends over to get them, Auggie fires.  The
               bullet goes through the window and ricochets off a metal file
               cabinet.

               The PING of the bullet flies back out the window and slices
               through one of the support ropes on the window washing
               scaffolding.  

               It hangs precariously.  Auggie looks very nervous.  Then with
               a final SNAP, the scaffolding swings away from the window,
               Auggie's scream fading away. 

               As the scaffolding sails out of view, Kenneth stands back up
               and sees the bullet holes. 

                                   KENNETH (cont'd)
                         Whoa.

               There's a loud CRASH below. 



               EXT. CRAPSWORTH PLAZA - DAY

               Auggie lies on top of several mattresses in an open flatbed
               truck.  He sighs.

                                   AUGGIE
                         Well that was a spot of luck.

               On cue, the rest of the window scaffolding CRASHES down on
               top of him. 



               EXT. STRIP MALL - DAY

               Polly walks along the sidewalk, looking at outside racks of
               baby clothes.  As she looks over a set of pajamas, a CLOTHES
               SALESMAN approaches.

                                   CLOTHES SALESMAN
                         Can I help you find anything? 

                                   POLLY
                         I have a -- hypothetical question. 
                         Is it possible to order these
                         pajamas with more than two arm
                         holes?

                                   CLOTHES SALESMAN
                         I'm sorry?

                                   POLLY
                         You know...just in case. 

               Before the Salesman has a chance to answer, Polly spots
               Mitchell walking his sheep, Daisy, down the sidewalk.  She
               immediately ducks behind a rack of clothes. 

               Mitchell stops nearby and kneels down next to Daisy.

                                   MITCHELL
                         I could have sworn I saw Benny,
                         Daisy.  

               All of a sudden there's a loud SNEEZE from behind the
               clothes.  It's powerful enough to send Polly out of her
               hiding space.

                                   MITCHELL (cont'd)
                         BENNY!

                                   POLLY
                         I think I'm allergic to the sheep.

                                   MITCHELL
                         Now don't talk that way about your
                         mother. 

                                   POLLY
                         That -- THING is not my mother you
                         quack!  My name is Polly Goodin!

                                   MITCHELL
                         You are Benny, but you just don't
                         remember yet!  

                                   POLLY
                         NO!  Listen to me!  I am not going
                         to play a part in your delusional
                         psychotic sheep loving fantasy!  I
                         am a normal person!

               The Clothes Salesman comes back from inside the store and
               turns to her.

                                   CLOTHES SALESMAN
                         I just talked with the manager and
                         he says that if you want you can
                         order those pajamas for however
                         many 'appendages' your baby might
                         have. 

               Polly shuts her eyes realizing what a contradiction she has
               just been.  She sees Mitchell looking at her strangely. 

                                   POLLY 
                         I'm having an alien baby, okay?

                                   MITCHELL
                         Wow, you're nuts.  Look son, I
                         really need to you reconcile with
                         your mother. You have to do it.

                                   POLLY
                         I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING OF THE
                         SORT!

                                   MITCHELL
                         NOW YOU LISTEN HERE, YOU --

               His eyes suddenly go wide -- he makes a small choking noise,
               then collapses.  Polly and the Clothes Salesman lean over
               him.

                                   CLOTHES SALESMAN
                         Do you want me to call an ambulance
                         or the morgue? 

                                   POLLY
                         What's the difference?

                                   CLOTHES SALESMAN
                         About twenty minutes. 

                                                          SMASH CUT TO:

               INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - HOSPITAL - DAY

               Mitchell lies on a cart being pushed at top speed down the
               hall.  Jajuan joins in as they head for the back examination
               rooms.

               Polly tries to keep up while hanging on to Daisy's leash. 

                                   JAJUAN
                         What happened to him?

                                   POLLY
                         I don't know!  He just sort of --
                         collapsed!

               They go through another set of doors.  Polly tries to follow,
               but is stopped.

                                   POLLY (cont'd)
                         I'm going with you!

                                   JAJUAN
                         You can't.

                                   POLLY
                         Then what do I do?

                                   JAJUAN
                             (sees Daisy)
                         Look after the sheep.

               Polly looks dumbfounded as the doors shut in her face. 

               INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

               We see Jonathan walk into a restaurant. He sees Tawny sitting
               down at a table. He approaches her and sits down.

                                   JONATHAN
                         You're the last person I expected
                         to call me. 

                                   TAWNY
                         You and both know that we're the
                         only members in our family that
                         have IQ's over a two year old.  But
                         with their faults, I see
                         opportunity. 

                                   JONATHAN
                         I know my Dad's pretty much set on
                         taking over your parent's ice cream
                         stores, no matter what the cost. 
                         If there's a way around the laws,
                         believe me, he'll find it. 

                                   TAWNY
                         Then we need to beat him to it. 

                                   JONATHAN
                         To try to stop him?

                                   TAWNY
                         No.  To take over both.  Ourselves. 

                                   JONATHAN
                         Do you have a plan?

                                   TAWNY
                             (of course)
                         I'm a woman.

               Waiters come and set down six steaming plates of food.

                                   JONATHAN
                         No thanks.  I've already eaten. 

                                   TAWNY
                         They're not for you.

               Jonathan looks at in surprise.

                                   TAWNY (cont'd)
                         Don't worry.  I'm a raging bulimic. 



               INT. COURTROOM - DAY

               Dirk sits on the defense side with RAGWEED, his attorney
               while Rachel sits at the Plaintiff's.  Rachel turns to her
               assistant STACY and whispers with a smile.

                                   RACHEL
                         I've got the scumbag on video
                         fornicating with another woman. 
                         There's no way I can lose!

               The BAILIFF stands --

                                   BAILIFF
                         All rise!

               The JUDGE walks in aided by a SEEING BYE DOG.  Rachel looks
               down at her tape. 

                                   RACHEL
                         CRAP.



               INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CRAPSWORTH BUILDING - DAY

               A group of THUGS stand, lined up on either side of Kenneth
               like a human tunnel.  Kenneth walks down the line, smoking a
               cigarette.  The lighting is dark and mysterious. 

                                   KENNETH
                         We're about to cross the line
                         gentleman.  Go out to those ice
                         cream stores.  Do what it takes. 
                         Be creative.  Surprise me.  Go now!

               The Thugs depart and Kenneth stands in front of the window --
               puts his cigarette down to his side.

                                   KENNETH (cont'd)
                         I must be the smartest guy in the
                         world.  

               As he takes a drag of his cigarette, he doesn't notice that
               he's set himself on fire. 



               INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - HOSPITAL - DAY

               Jajuan rushes in where a NURSE looks over a set of X-Rays. 

                                   JAJUAN
                         What do we got?

                                   NURSE
                         We've ruled out a cardiac problem,
                         but he's still having trouble
                         breathing.  Look. 

               Jajuan looks at the X-Rays where a definite black spot
               appears in the upper body areas.  

                                   JAJUAN
                         It almost -- it almost looks like
                         there's blockage in his throat. 
                         C'mon. 



               INT. PATIENT AREA - HOSPITAL - DAY

               Jajuan hurries over to Mitchell, whose breathing is labored
               and short. 

                                   JAJUAN
                         Tweezers. 

               The Nurse hands him the tweezers.  He tilts Mitchell's head
               back and dips the tweezers down deep in his throat.

                                   JAJUAN (cont'd)
                         I've got something...

               He pulls the tweezers out and both are surprised to see a big
               tuft of wool.  Sheep's wool.  Mitchell immediately gasps,
               able to breathe again. 

                                   NURSE
                         But I don't understand.  How could
                         he get wool in his throat? 



               INT. WAITING ROOM - HOSPITAL - DAY

               Polly sits in one of the uncomfortable chairs, still holding
               on to Daisy's leash, who is perched in the seat beside her. 
               She looks over to Daisy.

                                   POLLY
                         Do you have any idea how disturbing
                         your relationship is?  

               Daisy just stares.

                                   POLLY (cont'd)
                         So he thinks you're my long lost
                         mother.  Okay, I'm gonna look you
                         in the eyes and we'll see what
                         happens. 

               She locks eyes with Daisy and the two stare each other down.

                                   POLLY (cont'd)
                         Give me a sign.

               Daisy lets out a loud, juicy FART.  A moment of silence.

                                   POLLY (cont'd)
                         That could have been a coincidence. 



               EXT. EATE ICE CREAM SHOP - DAY

               Kenneth's group of thugs stand outside, gazing at the shop
               like a battleground. 

                                   THUG 1
                         Boys, let the games begin. 



               BEGIN MONTAGE

               1. Thug 1 gathers rabbit droppings from inside a cage.

               2. Thug 2 dumps a bucket of fish heads into the big ice cream
               mixers.

               3. Thug 1 sneaks up to the freezer and starts putting the
               rabbit pellets inside the ice cream marked "Chunky Chocolate
               Chip'> 

               4. Thug 3 opens a big box, letting dozens of mice loose in
               the store.

               5. A woman takes a bite of ice cream when a mouse suddenly
               pops out of the cup.  She lets out a big SCREAM. 

               6. Thug 2 shaves his head over big batches of ice cream. 

               7. A HEALTH INSPECTOR looks disapprovingly at a really fat
               mouse wobbling along the floor.  Suddenly a gust of wind
               knocks the inspector's hairpiece off his head.  It lands on
               the floor and before he can pick it up, it begins moving,
               whipping across the floor before disappearing into the
               kitchen.

               8. A Health Inspection notice is plastered on the front door
               of Eate Ice Cream with an F GRADE. 

               END MONTAGE



               INT. COURTROOM - DAY

               Rachel slowly paces in front of the packed court room, less
               confident than she normally is. 

                                   RACHEL
                         I will prove today, beyond a
                         reasonable doubt, that the
                         defendant, Dr. Dirk Banner has a
                         long history of seducing and
                         harassing women.  The damage he has
                         caused, not only to me, but to
                         scores of other women over a long
                         period of time.

               She realizes that almost every female in the room is gazing
               at Dirk dreamily, not listening to a word she's said.

               A feminine MAN in the jury hand signals and mouths the words
               "Call Me".

               Rachel snaps her fingers, bringing everyone back to reality. 
               She turns to the Judge.

                                   RACHEL (cont'd)
                         I'd like to file a motion to have a
                         bag placed over Dr. Banner's head
                         for the duration of the trial. 

                                   JUDGE
                         Denied.  Call your first witness. 

                                   RACHEL
                         I call Nancy Thomas to the stand.

               Nancy (the nurse from the opening scene) walks briskly to the
               witness box.  The Bailiff holds a Bible and she places her
               hand on it.

                                   BAILIFF
                         Do you swear to tell the truth and
                         all that other crap?

                                   NANCY
                         I do.

                                   BAILIFF
                         Then knock yourself out.

               He walks away as she sits.  Rachel approaches the stand.

                                   RACHEL
                         Nancy, can you tell me about your
                         first encounter with Dr. Banner? 

                                   RAGWEED
                             (stands)
                         Objection!  She's a bimbo your
                         Honor.

                                   JUDGE
                             (thinking)
                         I'll allow it as long as she
                         doesn't say something stupid. 

                                   RACHEL
                         Thank you, your Honor.
                             (to Nancy)
                         Please answer the question. 

                                   NANCY
                             (tearfully)
                         When I first started, Dr. Banner
                         kept flirting with me. 
                         I caught him staring at me --
                         mentally undressing me with his
                         eyes. 

                                   RACHEL
                         And then what happened?

                                   NANCY
                         It was a whirlwind.  Before I knew
                         it we had sex in one of the patient
                         rooms.

                                   RACHEL
                         Isn't it true that just after your
                         sexual escapade, he fired you.

               Nancy bursts into tears.

                                   NANCY
                         Yes!

                                   RACHEL
                         Nothing further. 

                                   JUDGE
                             (to Ragweed)
                         Your witness.

               Ragweed stands and ambles over to Nancy. 

                                   RAGWEED
                         Ms. Thomas, was the sex good?

                                   NANCY
                         Well...yes.

                                   RAGWEED
                         I'm done.

               He returns to his chair smugly.  Furious Nancy stands and
               rushes for Dirk.

                                   NANCY
                         I'll get you Dr. Banner!  I will
                         hunt you down and I will --

               The Bailiff catches her in a rough tackle, making the entire
               courtroom flinch.  She's dragged out kicking and screaming,
               leaving deep fingernail scratches on the floor. 

               Rachel glares at Dirk, who winks at her.   She shivers in
               ecstacy, then shakes it off.

                                   RACHEL
                         Dammit, how does he do that?