FYI, recent entries will make more sense if you have read the previous ones! Der!

26 July 2003
Dear Online Diary,
*Rolls eyes* Sheesh. I mean, yeah, I know that my best friend Tammy can be cheap sometimes, especially when she's buying shoes, but gosh, for me - on my birthday?? Puh-leeze! So yesterday she was like over at my house for a sleepover bash. You know, for a total gal's gab-fest and makeover madness. After I got bored (ok, maybe jealous) from flipping through photos of fab celebs in YM, I was totally ready for presents. Man, was I bummed. Like I was already suspicious when she came over without a hulking wrapped box. So then I was expecting some lame-o gift certificate, but NO - it was worse. Yeah, I know. So Tammy handed me her cell and was like, "Here." I was like, "Here, what?" She was like, "Call Miss Ezra on me. Happy Birthday!" Oh gosh. I totally couldn't believe what a crappy gift that was. I mean, HELLO!! Psychic hotlines are soooo 2001! But I called anyway. After like 5 minutes of cheesy, wispy, on-hold music, I was finally directed to Miss Ezra. (I could tell that Tammy was über annoyed at the long wait - especially at $3.99 a minute). "Which of Fifi's life mysteries may I unravel?" whispered Miss Ezra. I whispered back, "I don't care. Just like pick one." She was really p.o.ed after I said that. She hissed back: "Okay, Missy. Oh, it is eerily clear...yes. I see green - yes - mounds of putrid green. And - oh my...the stench...eck. Oh! How strange...why would such a handsome young man drive such a repulsive car?" At this point I was majorly shocked: "Have you been reading my Dear Online Diary?? That stuff happened last year! Wow! My fan base has totally grown!" And then I like snapped back to my senses: "Hey - don't tell me my past. Future, lady! Not that I'll believe you anyway." She hissed back even hissier, "You're a saucy one, aren't you? Well, your future...hmm...what? How can this be?" She stopped suddenly as if in shock and then said in a majorly whiny voice: "Oh jeez. I actually see you laughing...a lot...like you're having...fun. Ech. Disgusting. Hopefully I'm wrong about that like I usually am. Er - no. I mean...goodbye." Click. I was totally weirded out by that response. But whatever. Lame psychic phonies.

19 March 2003
Dear Online Diary,
How can I express my bummer mood? With a poem, duh! Ahem...

Woe is oh so me!
Ugh! I'm totally failing geography!
And now I'm harsh grounded for Spring Break -
Kiss boarding goodbye...oh the mondo ache!
I was like,"But Mummy, can't you cut me a little slack??"
She was like,"Not if you can't tell the difference between Iran and Iraq!"
Now Tammy gets to hog all the super cool dudes,
While my only company is my icky, blechy mood.
But at least I still have my totally rad hot pink car!
Oh...wait...The Mom took my keys...this week I won't be going far...
Woe is oh so me!
Pity me! Pity me! Pity me!

- Fifi

22 December 2002
Dear Online Diary,
Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!! Kids are like soooooooo never going to be in my future! Ick! Ick times a zillion! I majorly hate being an elf! A volunteer elf. At the mall! Ugh! I know!! Volunteer. That concept was like most definitely invented by some goody-goody scout dude. And elf. Ugh! Red and green are soooo not my colours! They like harsh - and I mean harsh - clash with my totally rad hot pink car!! I know! But the kids. Triple Ugh. If I'd known that kids were such mucho pains, I would've totally worked waaay harder at getting out of this. But nooo, The Mother insisted that I earn my presents this year and appreciate the spirit of giving blah blah blah. As if dressing like a freak with bad makeup in front of all mall-goers will get me everything on my Totally Final Want-List! I mean, hello?!! Okay, so like today, Icky Kid #6 gazillion did the major gross-out event of my life - he puked! But not on my shoes - noooo, thank gosh - on Santa's! But get this - I had to clean them! Ewwwww!!! I know!! Santa (aka Mr. Supervisor) was like, "Ho ho - oh no! Elf Fifi, clean these shoes now! Thanks! You're such a peach." Okay, so like he didn't say the last sentence, but he totally should've 'cuz those shoes were nasty! I mean, puke aside, those shoes were a first-rate fashion faux pas. Pleather boots. Yeah, I know! Like talk about pyromaniac fuel! Ugh!!!! So I wiped them down. But I was in such a p.o.ed mood, that when I gave them back, I said sooo sweetly: "Here, man. They still smell funky, but they're shiny! You know, I think it's super how old, fat dudes like you can get a teensy bit of respect once a year! Merry Christmas!" And then I totally bolted! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Santa, baby, hurry down the chimney tonight!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
- Fifi

29 August 2002
Dear Online Diary,
Golly! Like you have no idea how super sweet my day tuned out! Okay, like I think I finally realized that exercise really is good for you! Like really good! Okay, so like waaay early at noon my best friend Tammy busted into my room and dragged me to go jogging. Ick. I know! But she was like totally cruel: "I am sooooo majorly sick of you whining about that dude you liked! So let's jog! Like besides, you could totally lose those two extra pounds." Geez, you could not believe how cheesed off I was: "But it's noon! It's totally hot outside!" And Tammy was like, "Well duh! Did you think I'd run and sweat and look icky in front of zillions of morning joggers?? Like, do you know how many cute guys jog at 6:00AM?? I mean, Hello!" So I like went with her, but I was a major grouch. I mean, if a gal's got a totally rad hot pink car to zoom around in, why would she ever think about running?? Ew! I know! Anyhoo, as we were like jogging around, I suddenly got a mondo stomach cramp and totally crumbled with an "Eek!". And then - Dear Online Diary you will totally not believe this - I saw him!!! Yes, my ex-Crush!!! He was like leaving his house across the street, but get this...HE WAS WEARING A "DIRK'S DONUTS" UNIFORM!!! I know! I like thought my mouth couldn't hang open any wider until I saw the car he got into. And let me tell you - wait, I like need to take a totally big breath - it was...it was...really ugly! And old! But not old in like that cool retro way, just really yucky old. Ugh!!! And you know what?? He saw me in my sweat and rags - because I like had to call out,"Make it a decaf!" Boy, was he a total tomato of embarrassment! Then I took off after Tammy. I was like sooooooo giddy! I totally don't know what I ever saw in that guy! I mean, that job! And that car! I totally deserve better, right? Totally!
- Fifi

2 July 2002
Dear Online Diary,
Like. Major. Whoa. Totally. Okay. Like breathe...like calm down, Fifi! Aghhhhh!!! Diary, I am like sooooooo majorly p.o.ed at what happened yesterday at my Crush's beach party. Make that my ex-Crush's beach party. Yup, you like heard me. Ex. So like this is what happened...The day had already started out unawesome - I weighed myself and I had only lost 8 pounds in two months! 8 pounds?! I know! I totally couldn't believe that my "Zilch Carbos Diet" didn't work! Ugh!!!! That meant I couldn't wear my brand new swim suit since it would only look stylin' if I lost 10 pounds! I know! Like talk about adding glow to the blemish! Ugh! So Diary, you totally can't blame me for wanting to bail on the party like right then and there. But then I like told myself over and over, "Must see Crush, Must see Crush." So I like settled on a year-old cute pink bikini and like floored it to the beach in my totally rad hot pink car! Ok. So after those 2 harsh disasters were done, I felt like nothing else could go wrong. Like totally wrong. Ugh. Diary, what happened next is sooooo hard for me to write...ugh. Ok. So I like arrived at the party, with 100% smiles and perkiness, just for my Crush. So then he spotted me and I was like "Hi!" And then he was like all smiles and he said, "Hi, Fifi!" But THEN, suddenly his face went all frowny and he was like...get THIS: "Hey! Where's Wendy?" My brain went totally cosmo. I said, "What?" And he said,"Yeah, I was kinda hoping you'd bring Wendy." I was soooooooo knocked out. I mean, Wendy??? All I could think of to say was,"Oh, she like has cramps." He looked sooooooo disappointed. Ugh. And then like the rest of the party was soooooo horrible! All I could do was think about him liking her. For the first time in my life, Dear Online Diary, I left a party early. I know. Like major bummer. I like NEVER want to see him ever again. Ugh. Double Ugh.
- Fifi

27 April 2002
Dear Online Diary,
Eeeek! Okay, so like "Helllooooo Spring!" You would totally not believe how stoked I was yesterday when the sun squeaked through the sunroof of my totally rad hot pink car! I was like, eeeek!!! That means beach time is like soooooo near! And then, omigawsh, it totally hit me....I need a new swim suit! Like Ack! I mean, how can a girl survive the beach with only 6 swim suits??? I know!!! Like you need at least one for each day of the week! Der! So like I totally floored it to my friend Wendy's so we could go shopping. Well, Wendy isn't totally a friend, but like I couldn't bring my best friend Tammy with me because Tammy is like really pretty. And like everyone knows that when you go swim suit shopping, you can't bring a friend who's prettier than you. So anyway, Wendy and I hit my favourite store. But THEN....Gawsh...You would totally not believe my embarrassment! Guess who the sales clerk was? It was my CRUSH!!! You know, the hot babe I tripped in front of in November?? Yeah, I know!!! So I like froze. I mean, what could I do? I mean, I couldn't try on swim suits in front of him because I had just started my diet. So I shoved Wendy in front of me and said "Ok Wendy. You go try on swim suits and I'll help you pick one." She was like soooo confused, but at least she did what I said. Anyway, so like while Wendy tried on swim suits, I got to flirt with my crush. And guess what??? He like invited me to his summer beach party! Eeeek! But now I only have like 2 months to find a new favourite store and buy a swim suit and lose 10 pounds!!! Like eek!!! Dear Online Diary, I will soooo definitely keep you updated!
- Fifi

29 January 2002
Dear Online Diary,
Okay. So like yesterday I was like you know, like soooo jazzed!!! It was like, THE best day of MY life!!! I mean, "hello?", how many times in a gal's life does she get to meet her totally favourite singer??? I KNOW!!! It was like THE most unreal experience EVER, except it was real!!! Like EEEK!!! Ok. So, this is like what happened: Yesterday, after my best friend Tammy and I cut English class, we decided to like cruise downtown in my totally rad hot pink car. And THEN, when we were at like a red light, Tammy punches my arm. And I'm like "Ouch"! Then I like look at her and she's like totally zoned out, ya know? I mean her eyes were like wide open and her mouth was just hanging there.  Not to mention her nails needed a maniucure (but that like totally deserves its own diary post!). Anyway, so I like say to Tammy, "Gawsh Tammy. You like know that look is sooo not flattering." And then she like points to the car beside us. I took a look and was sooo totally floored at who I saw....it was...wait for it....Mandy Moore! I KNOW!!! She was like cruising in her totally rad baby blue convertible! EEEK! I KNOW!!! So I was like "OMIGOSH!!!!" And like I think like I waved to her but then my brain was so totally buzzed that I like don't remember much of what happened after. Wow. I know. Mandy Moore. I will like NEVER forget yesterday, Dear Online Diary. Like never.
- Fifi

28 November 2001
Dear Online Diary,
Wow! What a neat day!
- Fifi

10 November 2001
Dear Online Diary,
Omigosh! Like, I had the like most awful horrible week EVER! On Monday, I had this like awful horrible exam that I like didn't know hardly any of the answers to, you know? And THEN, on Tuesday, I like stepped out of my like totally rad hot pink car, but I like, tripped RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CRUSH!!! Like omigosh! I know! So, like Dear Online Diary, I am sooo like totally glad that I have you to like confide in. Dear Online Diary, I heart you!
- Fifi


 
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