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Pseudo-Intellectual Opinions Affirmed With Vague References

Springfield, MA–Steve Nyman, 31, a waiter at a local fish and chips shoppe, once again validated his uneducated opinion with vague, unarguable references Monday, sources reported.

"Hitler?" asked Nyman with a boisterous chuckle. "The man was an idiot! First of all, you don’t invade Russia, and second, definitely not in the winter." This came following a brief discussion with store manager Kenneth Holmes regarding World War II, in which Holmes stated that Hitler couldn’t have been that bad, since he got Germany out of a huge depression.

"I don’t know why he said that," says Holmes. "We weren’t even talking about battle tactics. Maybe he heard it on TV or something."

According to some of Nyman’s close friends, this isn’t the first time that he tried to seem smart by inserting random factoids into conversations. Long-time companion Phillip Orbach tells of a recent event in which the two were watching the news, and images of Uganda appeared on the screen.

"[Nyman] was like, ‘Uganda is a complete wasteland. Remember Idi Amin Dada? He killed so many people and destroyed the country’ and I thought to myself ‘didn’t that happen like more than twenty years ago?’. Plus the TV was talking about some marathon runner; they didn’t even mention Uganda’s socioeconomic condition."

Later, Orbach added "I think he just wanted to like he knows something."

Although the report was unclear, it did hint at the notion that this compulsive habit of fact-reciting of Nyman’s began when he was in high school, particularly during a senior English class when, during a discussion on Emily Dickinson, Nyman chimed in with "and to think that she wrote all her poetry living as a complete hermit. It’s amazing."

According to his former classmates, Nyman went on to make that same point on four other, separate occasions during the rest of the course.

Ex-girlfriend Tina Holden, 29, states that Nyman’s tendency to regurgitate unimportant bits of information in an attempt to seem somewhat intellectual is one of the major reasons that she broke up with him. "He always seems to be trying to show some great insight or make some huge epic statement that could possibly change the course of humanity. Honestly, I couldn’t take it anymore. If he had repeated the phrase ‘death is as big a part of human nature as is life’ once more, I would have killed him. I’m not even sure what it means, but it sounds like he’s trying really hard to sound like some big-shot philosopher."

Added Holden, "but I suppose I shouldn’t expect much from a guy with a BA in communications."