HAPPY FESTIVUS!

December 2002  Home | Archives | About Us | Disclaimer | Links | Submissions 

Neo-Nazi Group Confused About Who They Hate

Venice, CA—An area Neo-Nazi group, comprised mainly of single-parent highschool drop-outs, became confused yesterday during a discussion on the list of minority groups who they are against.

"Wait a second. So, we hate gays, but Arabs are okay?" asked Jacob Labelle, 18. "I thought the Arabs were the oil-hoarding polygamists bent on slaughtering hard working white Americans."

"No, the Arabs are okay," replied Michael Stilton, 17. "It’s mainly the Jews, who have a severe stranglehold on the world’s economy. And the mentally-challenged. Well, actually....no, no, just the Jews, just the Jews."

The meeting, which took place behind a local Target store, was attended by more than twenty youths, who refer to themselves as the Sons of Pride, and have each had personal problems dealing with one or more minority groups. Confusion broke out when the leader of the group, Richard Crusting, announced plans to burn down a local gay bar.

According to several members of the Sons of Pride, this is not the first incident of confusion regarding the status of the list of categories of people against whom the group’s unyielding hatred is targeted. At the last meeting, a scuffle broke out between two members who were apparently arguing over whether or not Osama bin Laden is a hero, for wanting to wipe out ‘evil Zionist Jews’, or an enemy for ‘wanting to destroy white America.’

"I’m still not clear on why we hate the Jews. I don’t even know any." says Labelle. "I mean, I want to be a good hate-monger , because that’s what Hitler would have wanted, but I just don’t want my murderous rage to affect a group that would have theoretically been supported by the Nazis."

He later added that he is going to resist the urge to bring up his loathing of fat people, which he says might not count "because they can still set fire to synagogues, even though they’re fat."

The one highschool graduate of the group, Ralph Pettigrew, 21, tried to provide some much needed insight. "Here’s how it is: We hate Niggers, Kikes, Chinks, fags, and...umm..." Pettigrew paused for a moment, before adding with upwards intonation, "Pakis."

"[Ralph’s] a pretty cool guy when it comes to this stuff. He’s done a bit of school, so he knows what it’s like out there. He says we can’t keep allowing immigrants and pagan savages to steal our jobs and desecrate our Holy God," explains Stilton. "Although I don’t know about the heathen infidel-hatred part. All this time I thought we hated God, for allowing decent, hard-working whites to suffer while his Zionist Antichrists rule the world. I should check on that."

Many of the group’s members left shortly, stating that they needed to get home for dinner, and the remainder of the gathering quickly dispersed at the sound of a police car, but not before each group member did a Nazi salute followed by a quick, inaudible uttering of ‘Heil Hitler’.