*****************
In Hobbiton, at Bilbo's Long-Expected Party
Hobbit (singing cheerfully): "Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song. Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song."
* * *
At Isengard, Gandalf has just discovered that Saruman has betrayed them.
Gandalf (trapped against the wall about fifteen feet up): You've betrayed us, haven't you?"
Saruman: "Now you see that evil will always triumph... because good is dumb."
* * *
In the wilderness just past Lothlorien.
Frodo trips over Aragorn's boot and a tiny little garter snake crawls out. "Uh...Strider?"
Aragorn (looking down at his boot in shock): "There's a snake in my boot!"
Aragorn and Boromir both begin running in circles around the camp, screaming in utter, and strangely choreographed, panic.
* * *
Frodo and the other Hobbits have just left for Bree. A Nazgul appears from behind a tree.
Nazgul (in a suprisingly cheery voice) "Hello! It's your favorite minion of Satan!"
* * *
In the wilderness, near Amon Hen
Legolas (eating some lembas) "Ah, lembas, the breakfast of champions!"
Pippin: "I thought that was pizza?"
* * *
On the Bridge of Khazad-Dum
Gandalf: "Once we cross this bridge, it's only an hour to Lothlorien."
Aragorn: "Good, cause believe it or not, I think I need a bath." (sniffs his shirt sleeve and grimaces)
Legolas (muttering under his breath): "I'd believe it..."
Aragorn: "What was that?"
Legolas: "Nothing..."
* * *
In the Mines of Moria
Gimli (staring at Legolas who has an arrow nocked): "There's too many orcs coming, elf. You'll never be able to shoot fast enough."
The orcs rush through the door and Legolas begins firing. Gimli stares at him with his mouth open.
Aragorn (leaning close to Gimli): "Was that fast? I thought that was fast. Was it fast, was it?"
Gimli just shakes his head, disgusted.
* * *
The Fellowship is in the boats on the Great River
Aragorn: "We must hurry. We need to reach Amon Hen before nightfall."
Boromir: "Time is the eternal river, and I suggest that we don't swim upstream."
Aragorn (looking at Boromir with the confused, blinky face): "Uh, huh. Right..."
* * *
At Amon Hen, the Uruk-Hai are attacking and Lurtz walks over to the injured Boromir
Lurtz: "I want your blood, and I want your soul. And I want them both right now."
Boromir (glancing down at the arrow shafts in his chest): "You'd better hurry then."
* * *
In Rivendell
Arwen realizes that she is in love with Faramir instead of Aragorn.
Faramir: (backing away nervously) "But Arwen, you loved Aragorn just a minute ago."
Arwen: "Men should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable."
Faramir (meekly): "Help..."
* * *
Legolas (bragging): "I have more fangirls than all of you put together!"
Gandalf (singing a little song): "But Leggy still can't get a girlfriend!"
Legolas (angrily): "Stop that!"
* * *
Authoress Amancirith: "Okay...this is bad. Legolas has just run off crying about all the Leggy bashing that's been going on. Poor little guy..."
Authoress Carangarien: "Aaaww...he needs to be comforted!"
Authoress Amancirith: "Oh no! Self-insertion! What do we do?"
Authoress Carangarien: "Chant!"
Authoresses: "I am not a fangirl. I am not a fangirl. I am not...Aw heck! Yeah we are!"
Authoress Amancirith: "Come back Leggy!"
Authoress Carangarien: "We'll comfort you!"
(Run after the elf)
* * *
On to the answers
On to Chapter Five: We're Baa-aack!