Disclaimer: The characters from Fushigi Yuugi are the creations and property of Yuu Watase and related enterprises. The characters from Inu-Yasha are the creations and property of Rumiko Takahashi and related enterprises. The characters from Rurouni Kenshin are the creations and property of Watsuki Nobuhiro and related enterprises. The characters from Monty Python and the Holy Grail and their lines of dialogue are the property of Terry Gilliam and the Monty Python comedy troupe and related enterprises. I do not own them and do not make any profit from this fiction except for my own enjoyment in spending time with them.

On the other hand, the original characters Mom and Dad are my original creations and they belong to me. As do other assorted family members. As for the reviewers and fanfic authors in this fic - they belong to themselves! But I get to "borrow" them for the duration of this fic.

Musical selections: Soundtrack from "Princess Mononoke" by Joe Hisaishi, Track 5, "Land of the Impure" and Track 6, "Encounter" copyright Milan Records and BMG, 1999; Thong Song, by Sisqo, Def Jam label, 1999.

Warnings: Sexual situations, excessive singing, gratuitous Tamahome abuse (Chichiri's Girl: What, Roku? Abuse Tamahome?! Noooooooooo!) and yes, some more Sagara Sanosuke abuse (I think I'm addicted now!)

This chapter is dedicated to the man who inspired the original "Enchantment" chapter of "White Stones in the Moonlight."

 

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Chapter 10.    Enchantment Enhanced

 

Part A.    The, Er…Greenery Problem

 

The audience and theatre have been transported back into their original dimension in time and space after their brief sojourn in AU space during the last chapter. With a flick of her keyboard, Roku has erased the audience's and cast's memory of that odd little trip, so that they believe that "Flight" has just concluded. The audience is still murmuring excitedly about the dramatic ending of that chapter as Roku calls Kryssa to drop the curtain so that they can set the stage for the next chapter, Enchantment. It is one of her two most complex sets, and she needs to carefully supervise its set-up - but she has caught Tamahome's narrowed glance at Tasuki and Miaka.

 

Roku: (to herself) Dammit!! This is the last thing I need right now - so of course it has to go down just when I don't have time to deal with it! Shit!!

 

She sees Tamahome stalk up to Tasuki and throw a pseudo-friendly arm around his shoulders.

 

Tamahome: (smiling tightly) So, Tasuki, how 'bout you and I grab a quick drink in my room to celebrate your safe landing?

Tasuki: (snapping his gaze away from Miaka) Thanks, man, but Roku doesn't want me to drink during the play. Doesn't want you to drink either, come ta think of it.

Tamahome: (innocently) Oh, I meant soft drinks - no alcohol.

Tasuki:  (hesitant) Welllllll…

 

Roku runs up and grabs Tasuki's arm.

Roku: Sorry, Tama, but I reeeeeally need Tasuki right now. We have to discuss the next scene.

Tasuki: But I thought you said that you didn't need me until it was time for my ent… Yeee-ouch!!

Roku: (contrite) I'm so sor-ryyy, Gen-chan - I didn't mean to stomp on your new boots! Here, let me dust them off for you.

 

She stoops as if to make a swipe at his boots but catches her elbow in his solar plexus instead.

 

Tasuki: (doubling up in pain) Urrrggghh!!

Roku: Oh, my God!! Gen-chan, I… (snaps her head up suddenly and catches him under the chin)

Tasuki: (narrowly missing biting his tongue) Gakk!!

Roku: (wailing) Oh, baby, I didn't mean to huuuuurt you! Let Roku make it all better!!

 

Grabbing and twisting his arm, she drags him off behind his screen. Tamahome stands bemused for a moment, stunned by the violent interaction between the two.

 

Tamahome: Damn! I guess I'd better be grateful that I'm not her favorite seishi!

 

He stalks off to await another chance to question Tasuki.

Meanwhile, behind the screen, Tasuki has pulled out of Roku's grip and is feeling his jaw gingerly while glaring at her.

 

Tasuki: Goddammit, Roku, what the fuck is goin' on?! What did I do ta piss you off so bad?!

Roku: (urgently) Listen, Gen-chan, I think that Tama's just caught onto you and Miaka! I had to get you away from him - I don't need him trying to beat the shit out of you!!

Tasuki: (scowling) So you decided to save him the trouble and beat the shit outta me yourself?!

Roku: Quit whining! You know damn well that I'm not in Tama's league, especially if he gets his "ogre" up!

Tasuki: Ya think that I'm afraid of him?! I don't give a shit whether his ogre's up, down, or cocked sideways! Maybe it's time we settled this between us, anyway!

Roku: (grasping his crossed belts, turning serious) Listen, Shun'u…and listen up good. Don't make the deadly mistake of thinking that the final decision on this situation is up to either you or Tama, no matter how enthusiastic you two may feel about beating holy hell out of each other. This is ladies' choice here, and if either of you is stupid enough to think that she's the type of girl to fall for the victor of a bloody battle, then neither of you deserves her! Is that what you really think of her - that she's some vacant twit looking for the man with the most muscle?!

Tasuki: (dropping his eyes) No.

Roku: (releasing him) Good! Then show her the respect she deserves by keeping a lid on this situation as long as you can. Besides… (her voice drops) I thought we had a kind of a deal between us, that you wouldn't let this blow up and ruin my play. Not that you owe me anything…

Tasuki: (tenderly cupping her face in his hands) Now you know fuckin' well that you're talkin' a load of bullshit. I owe you damn near everything, especially regarding the situation in question, so shut the fuck up before you make me beat the shit outta you. I get the message - I'm gonna turn tail and run whenever I see Tama tonight…for both my girls' sakes.

Roku: (grinning up at him) Whoever knew that you could be such a sweet-talker? You should teach charm school, Gen-chan!

Tasuki: (fondly) Fuck you, too, Roku.

Roku: (laughing) Show some respect, buddy! That's Fuck you, Madam Director! Now hurry and get dressed - or undressed. I gotta go set up your swimming pool.

Tasuki: (grumbling as he turns towards his dressing room) I dunno why I should even bother. Stupid fuckin' costume…might as well be stark naked.

Roku: (calling after him) Tasuki, wait! (runs up to him) I forgot to give you your costume! Here! (reaches into her cargo pants pocket and pulls out a scrap of golden material) Now put it on quick, while it's still warm! That way you'll think of me!

Tasuki: (shaking his head) You're evil…and gettin' worse as the night goes on! I'm beginnin' ta fear for my virtue!

Roku: (leering at him over her shoulder as she heads back towards the stage) Be afraid… be very afraid…

 

Roku enters the stage area, where Sorceress, the heroine of Chapter Nine, is supervising a flurry of activity. Chichiri's Girl and Aikido-chan have dragged the large bath from the Purification chapter to the edge of upstage, placing it flush against the rotating stage which is once more tilted at a gentle angle towards downstage. They check the transparent tubing that is fixed to the upper edge of the tilted stage, then recheck the trough at the downstage bottom edge. The trough drains to the same hose used in "Purification" that runs to the hole drilled in the stage floor. Sorceress strides backstage and starts water running through the tubing across the revolving stage floor - the effect is that of a fountain wall with ripples of water flowing smoothly over the surface, simulating the forest pool.

Large fire hoses are rapidly refilling the bath with tepid water - this will simulate the "drop-off" into which the "elf" will fall when startled by Miaka. Roku runs her hand over the tacky, pebbled rubber matting that they have glued to the upstage parts of the now wet rotating stage - these strips will hopefully keep Tasuki from slipping down the stage when he walks "through" the forest pool. The strips are the same neutral color as the stage floor, and both will pick up watery blue-green hues from Kaze-chan's lighting. The same tree trunks from "Flight" line the upstage wall, but the crew has re-arranged them slightly. Leafy silk branches overhang the forest pool, helping to obscure the edge of the tilted stage. Roku is pleased with the shadowed effect.

Further downstage left is the area of Tasuki and Miaka's conversation and eventual romantic interlude. Green cushions pad the floor and raise the level slightly. Roku looks for the two-foot tall shrubbery that will enable Tasuki and Miaka to be visible to the audience as they sit up and converse, but will conceal them when they lie down. She is startled to see only a lovely but characteristically sparse 4-ft tall Norfolk Island pine standing in the critical area. Glitch #1.

 

Roku: (roaring) CG!!

 

Chichiri's Girl appears from behind the bath where she has been supervising the water level.

 

Chichiri's Girl: (annoyed) You bellowed, sister dear?!

Roku: (waving emphatically at the pine) What the fuck is this-hic?! I thought I told you to get a two-foot tall dense hedge!

Chichiri's Girl: Well, you didn't leave me a hell of a lot of money for set dressing, so I decided to donate my own personal house plant.

Roku: (sarcastically) Thank you for your generosity, hic, but did you happen to notice that this house plant wouldn't conceal a pair of amorous hummingbirds?! (pulls at the wispy fronds impatiently.)

Chichiri's Girl: Ungrateful wench! Do you have any idea how hard it was to haul that sucker in here? That pot weighs a ton!

Roku: That's not the point, hic! The point is that it's NO DAMN GOOD for this scene! What am I gonna do now about getting a decent shrubbery, hic?!

Chichiri's Girl: (narrowing her eyes) Are you getting the hiccups again?

Roku: (turning pale) No! No, I can't! Not for this scene, hic! There's too much that can go wrong, HIC! Ohhhh, SHIT!!

Chichiri's Girl: Here we go again! Just one thing - don't make Tasuki look like me again, okay? I'm not sure if this audience is ready for yuri. Errrr, actually, the audience may be cool about it, but I don't think Mom will be pleased to see me locked in a passionate embrace with Miaka…

Roku: (desperately) This is no joke, CG! We have to keep this, hic, from the actors or they'll freak! Maybe… (begins to pace, jittering) maybe nothing big will happen. Maybe if I just try to keep my mind clear… plus the hiccups don't seem as violent this time. Maybe Shin is getting tired, hic…

Chichiri's Girl: (glancing around the area) Well, I don't see anything too weird right now.

Roku: Good! Then let's focus on the problem at hand, hic. I need a shrubbery!!

 

A high-pitched, British-accented voice pipes up behind her.

 

Voice: A shrubbery, yes!

Roku: Just about two feet tall, but at least a six-foot long hedge - maybe several little bushes, hic.

Voice #2: Yes, not too tall.

Voice #3: And nicely trimmed!

Roku: No, hic, it doesn't have to be neatly trimmed. I'm looking for a wild, natural look here…but I do need the shrubs to be -hic- dense.

Voice: Perhaps you might place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

Roku: Hmmm, I don't know… I'm looking, hic, for something much less landscaped, if you know what I mean, hic.

Several voices: Oh! Ni, ni, ni, ni…

 

Roku sees that her sister's eyes are bulging out of her head, and whirls around. Several tall figures clad in medieval English armor with tall tin-can-like helmets with strange horn-like projections are gathered behind her, shuffling around and uttering "Ni!" at regular intervals.

 

Roku: Oh, shit! It's the Knights -hic!- Who Say "Ni!!"

Knights: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

Chichiri's Girl: So much for keeping your mind clear, sister dear.

Roku: (wailing) Shut up, and help me out here! We have to get rid of them!

Chichiri's Girl: (calmly) Just chill, and leave this up to me.

 

She walks up to the "Head Knight."

 

Chichiri's Girl: You seem to be a man very knowledgeable about shrubbery.

Head Knight: (shrieking) Shrubbery!! Yes, yes, we…

Chichiri's Girl: (interrupting) What I'd like to know is what you think about this. (indicates the Norfolk Island pine)

Head Knight: That really isn't much of a shrubbery - too sparse!

Knights: (agreeing) Ni! Ni! Ni!

Chichiri's Girl: Well, I like…IT!

 

The Knights shriek and grasp their helmets in pain.

 

Head Knight: Stop saying that word!

Chichiri's Girl: (evilly) What? What is IT?

 

The Knights scream once again and begin milling around, bumping into one another.

 

Head Knight: The Word! The Word We Cannot Hear!

Chichiri's Girl: Well, if you would only tell me what IT is, I might stop saying IT!!

 

All the Knights shriek in pain and begin running around and crashing into one another, ending up in a large clanking heap. While Roku is staring wide-eyed at the chaos, Chichiri's Girl grabs a paper bag from the props table, blows it up and explodes it behind her.

 

Roku: (leaping into the air) YIKES!

 

Suddenly the pile of Knights vanishes into thin air. Roku looks up at the grinning face of her sister.

 

Roku: (weakly) What the…?

Chichiri's Girl: (smugly) Got rid of your hiccups and so got rid of the Knights of Ni. Here…(shoves another paper bag into her sister's hands) hang onto this in case the hiccups come back.

Roku: Guess I owe you one. Well, let's get this show going…but before we can do that, we have another problem to deal with.

 

She calls together the rest of backstage tech crew: Sorceress and as stand-in, Aikido-chan.

 

Roku: (grimly) Okay, girls, as KP says, here's the sitch. We, by which I mean everyone who has anything invested in this play, are in deep, deep shit. Tama's caught onto the fact that there's something goin' on between Tasuki and Miaka, and he's determined to find out exactly what that something is. If he by chance happens to see any of this chapter, we can expect to have the entire set, not to mention at least one of my two principle actors, blasted into the stratosphere by some out-of-temper ogre power. Now I've already pulled Tasuki out of one possible confrontation with Tama, and for once, Flame-boy has agreed to play it cool. But that ain't gonna do us any good if we don't prevent further confrontations! So we hafta keep Tama far away from the stage while this chapter is going on!

Aikido: But he must know that the play is about a Tasuki-Miaka romance - all of his scenes at the end are about giving her up.

Roku: You're right about that, but what he doesn't know is how physical that romance is! You can see all the white hairs I've acquired from keeping the truth from him during these six weeks of rehearsal - damn, we barely rehearsed Purification or Enchantment at all! Every time that Tama showed up, I had to run onstage and start rearranging the sets to stop the dramatic action.

Sorceress: And that's why the whole Purification chapter had such a strong effect on Tasuki and Miaka - they really hadn't played it through before.

Roku: Dead right, Sorceress, and we may run into the same… er… revelatory experiences in this chapter as well. So we GOTTA keep Tama away from the set!

Chichiri's Girl: Can't you just lock him in his dressing room again?

Roku: (shaking her head) Unlike some people around here, I'm pretty sure that he won't fall for the same trick twice. So what I'm asking for here - no, begging for - is for you three to "tag-team" Tama and keep him out of the way while I try to keep the onstage action flowing as smoothly as possible. So are you three up for it?

Sorceress, Aikido: Sure!

Chichiri's Girl: (enthusiastically) I'm as up as Tasuki's gonna be in this scene!

Roku: (cuffing her affectionately) You so bad, girl! How did you ever get such a filthy mind?

Chichiri's Girl: Evil influences from my older sisters!

Aikido: Listen, Roku, we should ask Chichiri for help - maybe he can cast a blocking spell or something similar…

Roku: No, I don't want to do that. (sighs) I really want to keep the other seishi out of this as much as possible. It's bad enough that I'm conspiring against Tama…but at least everybody knows that Tasuki's my favorite, so it's not so surprising that I would be on his side. But should Tama by some disastrous chance find out all about this, I don't want him to feel that everybody's against him, especially not his brother seishi! And if he catches onto any of you, I want you to tell him that I forced you into this against your will. Let him hate only me… (trails off dejectedly)

Sorceress: (putting a comforting arm around Roku's shoulders) Tough to be caught in the middle, isn't it? I for one know that you love both of them…all of them. Maybe if we're skilled enough and lucky enough, we can pull this off and keep Tama from finding out anything, at least during the play. I have an idea of how to start this out - just leave it to me, and I'll call for help when I need it. All I need to do is get Tasuki ready for his entrance, then I'll tackle the Tama situation.

Roku: (giving her a brief hug) You're a lifesaver as usual, girlfriend! Okay, you get Tasuki from his dressing room, and I'll just check the set one more time.

 

The crew runs off to their assigned duties, Sorceress retrieving Tasuki as promised. Aikido-chan and Chichiri's Girl rearrange the rest of the fake shrubbery to provide a decently concealed alcove for Tasuki and Miaka's romantic interlude. Roku signals that she is satisfied with the quick-fix of the scenery.

A short while later, voices sound from behind Tasuki's dressing screen.

 

Sorceress: Okay, Tasuki, remember to scrub off as much of the makeup and hair glitter as you can while you're underwater. It's all water soluble, so if you give it your best effort, the majority of this stuff should come off.

Tasuki: I fuckin' hope so! I look like a goddam fruitcake with all this shit on.

 

Tasuki emerges from behind his dressing screen, clutching his robe closed and looking around nervously for witnesses.

His luck is out.

Tamahome steps out from the shadows where he has patiently waited for a chance to question Tasuki about Miaka…but stops in shock at the sight of his brother warrior.

Tasuki is heavily made up to resemble a mystical elf. His red hair is sprayed gold, wildly spiked and dusted with glitter, as is his skin. His face is painted with dark streaks emphasizing his cheekbones and chin, while his eyes are darkly outlined with kohl eyeliner and iridescent eyeshadow. Under the normal offstage lighting, he looks like the lead dancer from a drag queen production of "Afternoon of a Faun."

Tasuki catches sight of Tamahome, and his eyes widen in dismay…just as Tamahome's eyes crinkle up in delight. Tamahome forgets his suspicion and anger in the face of an irresistible opportunity to torment his favorite target.

 

Tamahome: (grinning wildly) Why, Tasuki, you're…you're beautiful!

Tasuki: (snarling) Shut the fuck up, Obake-chan!

Tamahome: (approaching Tasuki) I may be a "Little Ghost," but you look like a…fairy princess! I think I'm in looooove!

Tasuki: Get outta my way, asshole! I gotta get onstage!

 

He tries to dodge around Tamahome but is caught by his brother warrior in a strong embrace.

 

Tamahome: (passionately) No! No, I can't allow it! I can't bear to share such beauty with the lowly peons in the audience…let them eat cake! I shall partake of these gold-lipsticked lips!

 

Tamahome leans towards him with an exaggerated pucker, his ogre sign glowing as he uses his seishi power to restrain Tasuki.

 

Tasuki: (shrieking) Get OFFA me, ya fuckin' weirdo! (struggles futilely against Tamahome's ogre-enhanced grip)

Tamahome: (gleefully) I'm not the one who looks like a weirdo! Come onnnnnnn, baby - give it up! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! (kisses thee air between them with exaggerated kissy noises)

Voice behind them: Ahem.

 

Tamahome, grinning, looks up to meet Sorceress' frown.

 

Sorceress: (with awful sarcasm) If you wouldn't mind terribly, Tama, I just spent a frantic five minutes putting all that makeup on Tasuki, and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't rub it all off again!

Tamahome: (unrepentant) No problem. I was just giving Tasuki a hard time.

Sorceress: (raising her eyebrows and staring significantly at Tamahome's glowing oni symbol) So I noticed.

 

Tamahome flushes at her implication and quickly releases Tasuki, who stalks off towards stage right muttering angrily.

 

Tamahome: (defensively) I wasn't…I didn't…I just used my seishi power to hold him still!

Sorceress: (deadpan) Uh-huh. Not my business. (gets a wicked glint in her eye) However, I'm willing to let this incident fade into obscurity, unremarked by any other crew members, CG in particular, provided…

Tamahome: (suspicious) Provided what?

Sorceress: Provided that you help me out with a few tasks. Roku-chan wants me to go to the sub-level beneath the stage and check for any possible water leaks. I could really use a big, strong man to help me through that nasty dark place!

Tamahome: Do you expect me to believe that you, a magician, are actually afraid of the dark?!

Sorceress: (crisply) Well, perhaps "afraid" is too strong of a term…but what worries me is if I do find something wrong, I don't want to have to run up and down those steep stairs just to pass messages to Roku. I could really use an assistant…

Tamahome: (chivalrously) Never let it be said that I failed to assist a damsel in distress!

 

They move towards the backstage door that leads to the lower level. Sorceress opens the door, and they begin to descend the steep staircase. Their voices can still be heard wafting up from the depths.

 

Tamahome: Sooooooo…does this job come with any, er, payment?

Sorceress: Your payment is me not relating an amusing anecdote to the rest of the crew about how you tried to put some moves on Tasuki…

Tamahome: I already told you, I wasn't…!

 

His voice is cut off when Roku runs up and closes the door.

 

Roku: (whispering to herself) Excellent work, girlfriend! (raising her voice to call to the cast and crew) All right, everybody - time to start Enchantment!!

 

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Part B.     How to Keep Your Seishi Entertained and Busy

 

To the great relief of the cast, crew, and audience, "Enchantment" is finally underway! Miaka walks slowly past the same downstage forest set that Nuriko used for his monologue in "Flight." Behind this backdrop lies the forest pool set, Tasuki waiting nervously in the upstage right wings for his entrance. He can't see Miaka's performance, which Roku considers a great pity since the young actress is doing an outstanding job with her monologue.

 

Miaka: But how will I choose? Will I choose with my head and my heart…or with something more…visceral…

 

She runs her hands down her sides, her motions dreamlike and sensual. Roku catches her breath at how skillfully Miaka is expressing her desire, making it visual, tangible even to the furthest seats in the theatre.

 

Miaka: I've known desire before…how could I not, being with someone like Tamahome? But this…(her voice grows breathless with wonder)…this is deeper…darker…so…powerful…

 

The audience holds its collective breath, completely mesmerized by her passionate delivery. Even Tasuki stops fidgeting - he is unable to see her, but he can hear her vibrant words. Roku is equally as captivated as the audience, only a small part of her brain remembering the Tamahome problem but trusting that Sorceress is keeping things under control.

Meanwhile, the trustworthy assistant director is feeling that control slip from her grasp, as her erstwhile helper grows impatient with being confined under the stage.

 

Tamahome: Dammit, Sorceress, we've inspected everything down here three times, and I keep telling you that there are no leaks! Let's go upstairs already!

 

Sorceress thinks fast - she can cast a spell to cause some leaks, but that might have disastrous effects onstage.

 

Sorceress: (to herself) What I really need is some way to keep Tamahome in the dark without de-railing the play…wait, that's it!

 

She breathes a quick spell under her breath, and the lights suddenly go out in the substage basement, leaving them completely in the dark.

 

Tamahome: Hey! What's going on?

Sorceress: Oh, shit, Tama - I'll bet there's a tiny leak dripping into the electrical circuit box. Either that, or a fuse has blown! Listen, you stay down here, and I'll run upstairs to get a flashlight and some fuses…

Tamahome: Why do I have to stay down here in the dark?

Sorceress: Because, ummm, because I have wizard sight and wizard speed, and I can move a lot faster without you. Besides, I may need your help down here if there is a serious leak, and there's no point in both of us running upstairs if we're both going to end up downstairs again. So just wait here, and…I'll be back soon!

Tamahome: Wait, Sorceress, why can't…? Hey, Sorceress! Are you gone already?! Dammit!

 

Sorceress escapes, breathing a spell that dilates her pupils, enabling her to make her way swiftly through the dark. Unfortunately, that also means that she's blinded when she reaches the normal backstage lighting at the top of the stairs. She blinks rapidly, failing to see the figure of a teenage girl in camouflage clothing, wielding a frying pan and muttering threats, pass by…but her eyes come into focus long enough to see a fierce-looking hen stalk past.

 

Sorceress: Animals backstage…hmmmm…wonder if Shin is acting up again?

 

She shrugs and peeks into the wings to see how far "Enchantment" has gone, and how the Director is doing. Chiriko has joined the crew in the wings, wielding his videocamera. Miaka is still mesmerizing the audience with her monologue, and Sorceress can see Roku murmuring lighting adjustments and musical cues to the tech booth crew through her headset. Aikido-chan and Chichiri's Girl stand quietly beside her, patiently awaiting the time when they will need to change the scenery.

 

Sorceress: Dammit! Not far along enough! How am I going to keep Tama occupied? - they haven't even gotten to the "naughty" bits yet!

 

She signals to Chichiri's Girl, who walks up to join her.

 

Chichiri's Girl: Somethin' wrong?

Sorceress: Not yet, but I'm running out of ideas on how to keep Tamahome out of the way. Right now he's sitting in the dark downstairs, but I'm sure that his patience won't hold out for long. Listen, I have to find a flashlight and some fuses for the sake of verisimilitude. Could you do me a favor and make sure that Tama doesn't come upstairs while I'm gone?

Chichiri's Girl: Well, I'm not sure what I can do to stop him, but I'll do my best.

 

Sorceress runs off. Chichiri's Girl walks over and opens the sub-stage basement door, not realizing that Tamahome's keen hearing has picked up the sound.

 

Tamahome: (calling) Sorceress? Hey, can I come up now?

Chichiri's Girl: Shit!! (slams the door shut again.)

 

At that moment, the teenage girl reappears, trailed by the strange hen breathing smoke out its nostrils.

 

Crazy Lady: Inu-Yasha may have escaped me - but not FOR LONG! And until I find him, I will help my ALMIGHTY EVIL MINUTE HEN find TAMAHOME!! DIIIIIIIE, TAMAHOME!! BWUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Evil Minute Hen: (eyes red, nostrils breathing out smoke and fire) CLUCK!!

Chichiri's Girl: Okay, this backstage area just gets weirder and weirder. I'm not sure if these two are Shin-induced hallucinations, or… (a light comes on in her brain) Hey, strange little girl!

Crazy Lady: (brandishing her frying pan) Are you talkin' ta ME? Are you talking' TA ME?!!

Chichiri's Girl: (unimpressed) Yeah, I'm talking to you, so shut up and listen! Did you say that you were lookin' for Tamahome?!

Crazy Lady: No, I seek the un-housetrained puppy boy Inu-Yasha!! (waves her frying pan) If you want to know who's after Tamahome, TALK TO THE HEN!! (runs off laughing wildly)

 

Chichiri's Girl stares at the chicken, who stares back with beady red eyes.

 

Chichiri's Girl: Okay, I've done weirder things in my life than have a conversation with a chicken…well, maybe only one or two weirder things, but…(sighs) it's all in a good cause, I guess. (raises her voice and addresses the hen) So you want to find Tamahome?

Evil Minute Hen: (eyes glowing redder) Cluck!

Chichiri's Girl: (pointing to the substage basement door) He's down there.

Evil Minute Hen: (running to the door and disappearing down the stairs) CLUCK!!

Chichiri's Girl: Okay, that may have seemed mean, but if Tamahome doesn't turn that chicken into a McNuggets Meal in five minutes, then he's not the seishi he's cracked up to be. (reflects briefly) Of course, then I'll have PETA on my ass, but… (shrugs) the important thing is that this should keep him busy for a while.

 

Chichiri's Girl heads back to the wings.

Meanwhile, in the substage basement, Tamahome grows more bored by the second. He gets up, determined to find his way to the stairs regardless of Sorceress' request for him to stay put, when he spies something red glowing in the distance. Little does he realize that it is the Evil Minute Hen's eyes.

 

Tamahome: Hey, Sorceress, is that you?

 

Suddenly the red light comes charging at him, and he is hit by something large, sharp (as in beak) and feathery.

 

Evil Minute Hen: Buk-BAWK! Buk-bawk-buk-bawk-buk-BAAAWWWWK!!

Tamahome: (screaming) What the HELL?!!

 

Soon the darkness is shot through with beams of red light (from Tamahome's oni symbol) and flashes of flame (from Minute Hen's beak).

Meanwhile, in the considerably less violent upstairs stage area, Miaka has exited at stage right after her monologue. Roku directs Aikido-chan and Chichiri's Girl to pull apart the sliding walls that comprise the downstage backdrop, just as they had for "Flight." Chichiri's Girl circles behind the upstage right backdrop to rejoin her sister and Aikido-chan at stage left.

The impressive forest pool set is now revealed. The main lighting is green, but tight white spotlights shine down at intermittent intervals, simulating rays of sunlight beaming through the hanging tree branches. Blue-green lights shine down on the circular stage/forest pool, making little ripples flash and sparkle, completely transforming this piece of stage into a convincing aquatic paradise. The audience sighs in ecstasy, as does the Director.

 

Roku: (happily) I just love it when a plan comes together, don't you?

 

Miaka re-enters from offstage right, stopping to stare in wonder at the sylvan wonderland. She crosses to stage left, then runs up to the downstage edge of the "pool" and stoops to dabble her fingers in the water.

 

Miaka: (delightedly) This place is completely magical…and it's mine alone!

 

Taking his cue, Tasuki removes his robe and sets it aside, then steps out from the upstage right wings. He is half-concealed in the shadows, but as he steps gracefully through the first of the white spotlights, his form is revealed. He is nearly naked, only the gold thong giving him a modicum of modesty. But it all works beautifully together - his hair and skin shimmering, his form perfectly golden, slimly muscled and obviously yet not indecently male, his dramatic makeup - all these lend him an unearthly beauty which renders him exotic enough to be nearly unrecognizable. The audience oohs in delight at his mystical appearance…but Chichiri's Girl's attention is directed lower.

 

Chichiri's Girl: Ooh, check out that thong, just straining at the seams. I'm gonna report you to the fabric abuse society!

Roku: (irritated) I'm trying not to be distracted by that, dammit! I'm also trying to, hic! Shit! (holds her breath)

Chichiri's Girl: (singing) Whoaaa

That boy so scandalous

And I swear another fangal couldn't handle it

With he shakin that thang like who's da ish

With a look in his eye so devilish

 

Roku: (letting out her breath in a burst) Shut up! And help me to get rid of these hiccups!

 

Chichiri's Girl: (continuing to sing) I like it when the beat goes da na da na

Baby make your booty go da na da na

Boy I know you wanna show da na da na

That thong th' thong thong thong

 

Roku: (snarling) Listen, smartass, if you keep on singing the Thong Song and I keep on hiccuping, ALL of us are gonna end up in thongs! And if that happens, hic, I'm shovin' your spotty behind out on stage in front of Mom!

Chichiri's Girl: Ulpp!! Shutting up!

Aikido: Anyway, since when have you been a Tasuki fangirl? I thought that he annoyed you!

Chichiri's Girl: (smirking) Normally he does get on my nerves. But when the guy is nicely silent and attractively dressed, I can't help but appreciate his finer attributes!

Aikido: You and Miaka both. (nods at Miaka standing onstage, obviously transfixed by the sight of Tasuki)

Roku: Listen, CG, couldja get me a glass of water? Everything's going so well right now that it's just begging for Shin to start screwing around with us! (sighs as she watches Miaka's sense of enchantment, knowing that the girl is only half-acting) Thank Suzaku that Tama isn't here watching this, hic! (holds her breath again in an attempt to control the hiccups.)

She suddenly notices Chiriko with his videocamera, filming the action.

 

Roku: Hey, Ko-ko-chan, I'm not warning you again! This part isn't appropriate for kids, so skeedaddle!

 

Chiriko retreats from the wings, grumbling.

 

Chichiri's Girl: (turning to go) Oh, God, that reminds me! (pulls Aikido-chan aside) Aikido-chan, would you do me a favor? Sorceress asked me to make sure that Tamahome doesn't come up out of the basement for a while. I tried to delay him, but could you try and make sure that he doesn't suddenly make his way upstairs?

Aikido: (hesitantly) Well, I'm not sure how to stop him, but I'll try to think of something.

Chichiri's Girl: Thanks! I'll see you in a few!

 

As Chichiri's Girl runs off in search of water, Aikido-chan walks over to the sub-stage basement door to check on the Tamahome situation - but is suddenly distracted by a tall, wild-eyed, spiky-haired figure who strides into the backstage area, looking a bit ragged and somewhat the worse for wear.

 

Sagara Sanosuke: (shouting) Where is that sake-spilling, werewolf-tossing, no-good son of a misbegotten FIRE-RAT?!! Come out here, Flame-boy, and get ready to get your ass kicked by Sagara Sanosuke, the foremost fighter of the Kenshin-gumi! Well, maybe not the foremost but definitely one of the two toughest fighters and definitely the best fist-fighter, seeing as how Kenshin is a scrawny little shit who weighs less than 100 pounds and would get his ass kicked on a regular basis if it wasn't for a little talent with the sword, but that doesn't matter because it's me, Sagara Sanosuke, formerly known as Zanza but no longer, because Kenshin broke my Zanbotou which is a giant sword that doesn't swing too fast, so I went back to my former name Sagara Sanosuke - yes, it's me, Sagara Sanosuke, calling you out! Come out here and fight like a MAN!!

Aikido: (to herself) Gee, it's a good thing that Tasuki is busy onstage, because he would have flamed this guy to a crisp before he was even halfway through that speech! Why do all the men in Rurouni Kenshin give a doctoral dissertation before they actually get up off their butts and attack?

 

She ignores Sanosuke, who is running wildly around the backstage area looking for Tasuki behind props and under cushions. Aikido-chan opens the basement door and is alarmed to hear shouts and loud crashing in the darkness.

 

Aikido: Uh-oh, sounds like Tamahome is angry. How am I supposed to keep him from…?

 

Her eyes widen as she gets an idea. She calls out to the wild man who is now investigating the greenroom.

 

Aikido: Er, Sanosuke?

Sagara Sanosuke: Yeah?

Aikido: I take it that you want to find Tasuki.

Sagara Sanosuke: That's right!! That no-good, low-down…

Aikido: (interrupting impatiently) Yes, I heard you the first time. Well, if you want to know where Tasuki is…

Sagara Sanosuke: (perking up) Damn straight I do!

Aikido: (opening the basement door) He's down there.

 

Sanosuke rushes down the stairs with a roar of triumph, followed by a thumping sound as he trips and falls down the stairs due to the fact that there are no lights. However, he seems to be unharmed as he spots something in the distance.

 

Sagara Sanosuke: (roaring) Flames?! You dare to attack me without warning?! Prepare to die, Fire-Rat! And don't play chicken with me!!

 

Aikido-chan quickly closes the basement door.

 

Aikido: Well, that might seem a little cruel, but I'm sure that Tamahome can take care of himself. Not to mention that by the time Sanosuke has finished explaining exactly who he is and what he intends to do to Tasuki, and all identity problems are straightened out, we should be through with Enchantment and halfway through the Oni Destruction scene.

 

She smiles, pleased with her usual efficiency, and goes to rejoin Roku in the wings.

 

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

Part C.     Enchantment Exposed

 

Chichiri's Girl hands the glass of water to her sister just as Miaka crashes loudly down the hill and startles Tasuki into falling into the deep dropoff in the forest pool. Roku is pleased to see that the effect is believable, the sunken bath blending perfectly with the "watery" stage. Tasuki breaks the surface once, screaming "SHIT!!" He takes a huge breath of air, then slips back underwater, hidden from the audience as he busily scrubs the makeup and glitter off his face and hair. Miaka stands frozen for a moment - then runs around the edge of the "pond," kicking off her shoes. She dives into the sunken bath and is caught underwater by Tasuki…then both burst out onto the surface, Miaka's arm wrapped around Tasuki's neck as he pretends to be unconscious. However, he has to help her pull him out of the bath by pushing with his legs, and Roku only hopes that this subtle and seishi-speed-quick movement is not discernible to the audience.

After the artificial resuscitation scene and Tasuki's enraged howl, "This has got to be the worst fucking week of my LIFE!," the audience bursts into laughter, and Roku visibly relaxes.

 

Roku: Okay, so far, so good…and the damn hiccups seem to be going away. Hic. Well, maybe not, but at least they seem pretty weak - maybe Shin's losing its power. And about damn time, too!

 

Meanwhile, Sorceress runs through the backstage area, armed with her flashlight and fuses, and heads down the basement stairs. She pauses halfway down the stairs as she sees beams of red light and flames flashing in the darkness and hears the enraged yells of more than one man.

 

Sorceress: What the fuck is going on here?! And who else is down here with Tamahome?!

 

Her magician's sixth sense suddenly warns her that something is coming, and she ducks into an alcove as a small creature runs past, squawking defiantly and dropping feathers as it runs.

 

Sagara Sanosuke's voice: And STAY out, ya damn chicken!!

Tamahome's voice: Yeah, get plucked! And while we're on this subject - who the hell are you?!

Sagara Sanosuke: You know damn well who I am! And if you've forgotten, I'll remind ya - I'M THE GUY WHO'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!

Tamahome: Not unless you brought a few dozen assassins with you - and even then, I'd kick all your asses!

Sagara Sanosuke: Oh, yeah?! Well, as a matter o' fact, I do know just one assassin - better known as one Hitokiri Battousai - and he'd kick your ass almost as fast as I'm gonna do it. (musing) Except he'd hafta use his sword, reverse-blade sword actually 'cause he hates ta kill people, an' THEN he'd kick your ass, but not literally - I mean, he's good with th' sword, but he's not so good at hand-to-hand, 'cause he's a little shit, barely 100 pounds soakin' wet, and…

Tamahome: (screaming in frustration) What the Hell are you talking about?!!

 

Sorceress is still hidden in her alcove and has adjusted her eyes once again to see in the dark. She can make out the tall figure of Tamahome confronting the even taller figure of Sagara Sanosuke, although they obviously can't see each other; they're just shouting in one another's general direction.

 

Sorceress: Well, I guess I could straighten things out between those two, but…they seem to be having a male-bonding moment, so I'll just keep an eye on them from a distance.

 

Meanwhile, things are heating up onstage. Having gone through the "argument" part of their dialogue, Tasuki and Miaka sit on the bank of the "pool," just stage left of the rippling water. Miaka, her school uniform dripping wet, faces Tasuki's back. He is still clad only in the thong, turned away from her in profile, his arms linked around his modestly-drawn up knees.

 

Miaka: Tasuki, when I said that I didn’t recognize you before, it was the truth! This place is so magical…and then I caught a glimpse of you from across the pool. You looked too beautiful to be real! You were all golden in the sunbeams, so silent and graceful, that I thought you were a mythical creature called an elf..."

 

Tasuki sits up, his posture straightening out of the embarrassed slump he assumed when he confessed to Miaka about his inability to swim. He turns his head so that his profile is to her. He appears hesitant but intrigued.

 

Tasuki: (deliberately mispronouncing) A…neff?

Miaka: No, an elf. Elves are mythical creatures which love forests and are known for their grace and beauty. That’s what I mistook you for...

 

Tasuki turns towards her so that he is facing her over his shoulder. He suddenly grins a fangy and playful grin.

 

Tasuki: If you keep on calling me beautiful, I’m gonna think you liiiiiike me!

 

The force of his charisma blazes out, making even the tech crew catch their breath. Miaka suddenly grows very still, staring at him as if she had never seen him before. She rises to her feet slowly and begins a slow, hypnotic striptease, removing her necktie and unbuttoning her blouse. Roku watches Miaka's face carefully - this is Miaka's first time undressing on stage, and it's possible that she may get stage fright from the thought of exposing her body to hundreds of audience members.

The Director needn't have worried. Miaka is lost in the moment, her cheeks flushed with desire as she pulls off her skirt, her wet camisole/teddy clinging to her form. She has eyes only for Tasuki and seems totally unaware that she is onstage performing in public. Tasuki, too, is equally mesmerized, eyes blazing as he watches Miaka undress for him.

 

Tasuki: (huskily) Miaka?

Miaka: (slightly breathless) My clothes are soaking wet…they're making me cold.

Tasuki: Let me get my shirt for you…

Miaka: I don't want your shirt - I want you!!

 

She stoops and swiftly straddles Tasuki's lap, winding her fingers through his hair and kissing him passionately. He pulls her close, grasping her arms and moving sensuously against her. He breaks the kiss - then kisses her again and again, his motions desperate and needy, as if he can't get her close enough to satisfy his raging desire. Miaka throws her head back and tightens her thighs around him, her breaths coming in short, gasping sobs. Suddenly Tasuki pushes her back and stares deep into her eyes, his own blazing with passion.

 

Tasuki: (hoarsely) We can't do this!

Miaka: (gasping) Don't stop, oh gods, don't stop!

 

Chichiri's Girl: Er, Roku, those aren't the right lines…er, Roku!

 

The Director snaps back, her face flushed and her eyes overbright.

 

Roku: (breathlessly) Never mind! Right now, I'll be grateful if they remember any lines at all! (to herself) Because right now, I sure as hell can't remember the script - and I wrote it!

 

Meanwhile, the onstage passion intensifies even more.

 

Tasuki: (huskily) Then I won't stop, but…but …are you sure that you want this?

Miaka: (passionately) I've never been more sure of anything in my life!

Tasuki: (picking her up with a wolfish growl) No more waiting - you're mine!

 

He strides off to their little area at stage left, sets her gently upon the ground, then surges over her, disappearing behind the low shrubs.

Chichiri's Girl pokes her mesmerized sister.

 

Chichiri's Girl: Now don't go popping your cork, 'cause that would just gross me out! Aren't you supposed to be too mature for that, anyway?!

Roku: (fanning her face and flashing a grin) Hey, the day that I lose interest in sex, you can feel free to nail the lid shut!

 

Meanwhile, out of the Director's line of sight, Chiriko prowls back and forth, frustrated at the way the stage scenery blocks every camera angle. He is certain that he is missing some of the best footage of the night, and he looks up to the heavens for inspiration.

 

Chiriko: (staring up at the catwalk above the stage lights) Yessss!

 

He turns and runs off to climb onto the catwalk access.

Meanwhile, deep beneath the stage, Tamahome and Sagara Sanosuke are growing weary of their battle… mostly because they're hitting into walls more than each other.

 

Sagara Sanosuke: (gasping for breath) Quit running away from me, Flame-boy! Come and fight like a man!

Tamahome: (sucking in air) I'm right here, asshole! You come here and…wait a minute - what did you just call me?

Sagara Sanosuke: Oh, I got better names for you than that, you bastard Fire-Rat! I won't rest till I get my revenge!

Tamahome: (daylight breaking into his brain) Hey, why do you keep calling me "Fire-Rat?" And what did I ever do to you?

Sagara Sanosuke: I told you already - you know damn well what you've done! Dropping werewolves and wolf-demons on me, kidnapping poor helpless girls, then dropping them on me, and worst of all - YOU BROKE MY SAKE BOTTLE!!

Tamahome: You IDIOT! It's Tasuki that you're pissed at!

Sagara Sanosuke: Ya think I don't know that?! Why do ya think I came down here to fight ya, bakayarou?!!

Tamahome: (flatly) I'm Tamahome, not Tasuki.

Sagara Sanosuke: Oh, yeah?! Um, er…prove it!

 

Tamahome's oni sign shines out in the darkness.

 

Tamahome: (deadpan) Read the sign.

Sagara Sanosuke: Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh! Um. Never mind, then. Heh, heh.

 

Up in the stage wings, Roku-chan waits impatiently for the "panic attack" scene to commence but is distracted by something that doesn't seem quite right. What she fails to notice is the quiet return of the hiccups.

 

Roku: What is that red light, hic? It's clashing with the green-blue set lighting… (calls in to the tech booth on her headset) Kaze-chan, wouldja please, hic, cut out the red spot over the lovers? It's kind of out-of-sync with the rest of the lighting…

Kaze-chan: Listen, Roku, I don't have a red spot on the lovers - or anywhere else onstage for that matter! I just checked the entire light board trying to find out where it's coming from, and I can tell you that it's not coming from me!

Roku: But then where, hic… (puts two and two together - literally) Ohhhhhhhh, SHIT!! It must be from Tasuki's yoku symbol - and that means…!

Chichiri's Girl: (smirking) Whoever knew that Tasuki and Miaka were Method actors?!

Roku: (frantic) It's not funny, hic! (her eyes widen) Goddammit! The hiccups are back, and that means…Oh God! What if they're not choosing this out of their own free will?! What if -hic- it's goddamn Shin making them do it?!! Tapping into my fucking imagination…!

Aikido: Good adjective!

Roku: Why do you all, hic, keep making jokes?! Can't you see how serious this is?! (wailing) If it's Shin, it would be like I'm raping both of them! Hic!!

Aikido: I think you're getting overly dramatic here, Roku. It's not like they haven't headed down this path before without the help of Shin - remember Purification?

Chichiri's Girl: And maybe they're not doing what you think they're doing. After all, the yoku light only means that Tasuki's, umm, excited about something; it doesn't mean that he's succeeded…

 

Suddenly, they're interrupted by a high-pitched melodic voice.

 

Miaka: (singing vibrantly) Ahhhhhhhhhh, Sweet Mystery of Life, At Last I've Found Youuuuuuuuuu!!

 

Meanwhile, Dad, out in the front row, gleefully recognizes the song from "Young Frankenstein."

 

Dad: (giggling madly) Hee, hee, hee, hee! Hee, hee, hee, hee!

Mom: (frowning in confusion) What itsa so funny, Dah-dy? Why they itsa singing?

Dad: (nearly falling out of his seat with mirth) Ahahahahahahahaha! Hee, hee, hee, hee!

 

Mom frowns suspiciously at the stage and the moving shrubbery.

Kryssa calls in on the radio headset to a panicked Roku.

 

Kryssa: Errrrrr, Roku-chan, I don't have anything on my soundtrack to accompany this song…

Roku: (frantic) That's because Miaka's improvising, Kris! Get it? Hic! Im-Pro-Vis-Ing!!

Kryssa: Ohhhhhhhhhh…

 

Chichiri's Girl is equally as hysterical as her father, almost falling to the floor with uncontrolled laughter. Aikido-chan is the only one sober enough to comfort the distraught director.

 

Aikido: Roku, look on the bright side. At least the scenery is hiding the action from the audience this time…

 

Suddenly the girls catch a flash of something gold tossed in the air, ending up entangled in the greenery.

 

Chichiri's Girl: (gleefully) It's good-bye to th' thong, th' thong, thong, thong!

Roku: (grasping her head in her hands) Oh God! Hic!!

Aikido: (dryly) I guess we can forget about them doing the "panic attack" interlude. Thank God for dense shrubbery!

 

Suddenly, the large clanking "Knights Who Say 'Ni'" reappear.

 

Lead Knight of Ni: (in a high-pitched shriek) Shrubbery?! We want our shrubbery!! We shall retrieve our shrubbery from the infidels!

Rest of the Knights: (wandering around and bumping into each other) Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

Roku: (losing it, shrieking) That's IT!! HIC!!!

 

The Knights shriek in pain at the "it" word. Roku grabs them and shoves them violently towards the substage basement door, pushing them down the stairs. They go crashing down the stairs with much clanking and a plethora of "Ni's!" Unbeknownst to Roku, Tamahome had just been making his way gingerly up the stairs with Sagara Sanosuke's help. He and Sano look up at the sound of the metal avalanche.

 

Tamahome, Sanosuke: (turning and trying to flee) Gyaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!

 

But it's too late. They are soon buried under large metal creatures twitching and eeping "Ni" intermittently. Sorceress peeks out at the mess from her hidden alcove.

 

Sorceress: (holding her hand up before her eyes) Ooh! I can't look!

 

Roku has returned to the backstage area and is now snarling at her two assistants.

 

Roku: I don't want to hear that S-word around here again, do you understand me?! I don't even -hic- want you to think it!! If you must refer to the scenery, hic, call it "bushes"! In any case, I've had it up to my ears with bushes!

Chichiri's Girl: (smirking) I wonder if Tasuki…

Roku: (pissed) That's enough out of you, young lady! Hic!!

 

Now Tasuki's radio microphone is transmitting some gasps and erotic moans to the transfixed audience. Mom, in the front row, narrows her eyes in suspicion at the moving shrubbery.

Roku calls in to Kryssa on the radio headset.

 

Roku: (panic-stricken) Kris, do something to drown out those…sounds, hic! Bring up the music or something! And tell Kaze-chan, hic, to play with the lighting - swirl it or something, to distract the audience from the bushes!

Kryssa: But I already played through the soundtrack, and…

Roku: (shrieking) Just do it again!

 

But it's too late.

 

Tasuki: (vibrantly) Ahhhhhhhhhh, Sweet Mystery of Life, At Last I've Found Youuuuuuuuuu!!

 

Miaka joins him in a duet.

 

Tasuki, Miaka: (singing) At Last I Know the Secret of It Allllll…..!!

 

Dad: (almost peeing his pants) Waaaaa-hahahahaha! Hee, hee, hee, hee, heeeeee!

Chichiri's Girl: (smirking) Nice harmony. They really, er, sing well together!

Roku: (grousing) Oh shut up! Hic!

Aikido: Well, at least it's over - and I think you've escaped your mother's wrath, Roku.

Roku peeks out at the audience. Although Dad obviously knows what's going on, rolling around in his seat with hysterical glee, Mom sits with a suspicious but confused frown on her face.

 

Roku: (sighing in relief) I guess you're right - we're past the worst of it. After all, hic, what can possibly go wrong now?

 

At that moment, Chiriko, up on the lighting catwalk, loses his footing and slips off, crashing into view. He swings from the catwalk by one hand, the other still clinging doggedly to his videocamera. The audience murmurs in confusion, trying to figure out the role of the cherub with the anachronistic video equipment - but members of the cast and crew are much quicker to make the connection.

Tasuki leaps up from behind the shrubbery in full view of the audience. The fangirls scream in ecstasy at their idol's full exposure.

 

Tasuki: (roaring at Chiriko) You little SHIT!!

 

Roku gapes in shock, momentarily stunned by the rapid turn of events. Unfortunately, Mom's reaction time is much quicker.

 

Mom: (furious) You itsa…! SHAAAAAAME!!!

 

The Slipper comes winging across the stage, striking Tasuki with deadly accuracy, hitting him right where he lives.

 

Tasuki: Gaack!!

 

He falls down behind the shrubbery, emitting strangled chokes.

 

Roku: (screaming) Kris!! Curtain, CURTAIN!! HIC!!

 

The curtain comes sailing down, protecting Roku's lead actor from further assault. Miaka's voice can be heard from behind the bushes.

 

Miaka: Oh, baby, show me where it hurts…

Mom: (out in the audience, shouting) ROKU-CHAN! I itsa talk to you NOW!!

Chichiri's Girl: Whoa, girl, you are in deep shit! Better think of something quick!

 

But the stress has finally gotten to the Director. Snatching up the "hiccup" paper bag, she pulls it over her head and starts running away from the stage.

 

Roku: (wailing) I'm NOT DEALING WITH THIS NOW!! HIC!! I'm not dealing with ANYTHING AT ALL!!

 

She crashes into props and walls in her furious, blinded flight but keeps going until she disappears into the greenroom.

Aikido-chan and Chichiri's Girl stare after her in shock. Chichiri's Girl recovers her composure quickly.

 

Chichiri's Girl: (shrugging) Knew that she was gonna lose her marbles sometime soon. This whole play thing has been too much for her all along. She shouldn't have invited the folks - it just added that much more stress to this night.

Aikido: If I remember correctly, it was you who invited your parents against Roku's express instructions!

Chichiri's Girl: Oh, yeah. Well, no big deal. (shrugs) She woulda cracked up anyway.

Aikido: (sighing) We'd better cover for her in the meantime. First thing is to get Chiriko down! (raises her voice) Hey, Chiriko! Drop the camera - I'll catch it, and then you should be able to pull yourself back up!

Chiriko: (gasping for breath) Oh no - no, thank you, Aikido-san! I'll manage it by myself!

Aikido: (scolding) Chiriko!! You're going to fall!

 

But the little seishi is determined to get away on his own. He swings his legs until he catches a toehold onto the struts, then pulls himself up by one arm. He lies panting on the catwalk for one moment - then gets up and starts running back along the narrow structure, ignoring the shouts of the crew below.

Just as he reaches the relative safety of the end of the catwalk, he crashes into a tall, robed figure standing silently waiting for him. His ponytail is seized in a fierce grip, and he looks up into blazing amber eyes.

 

Tasuki: Guess you forgot about my seishi speed. All right, Mister Videographer - let's have a look at what you caught on film.

 

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

Part D.     Sex, Lies and Videotape

 

The stand-in director's crew, Aikido-chan and Chichiri's Girl, have called in an intermission to Kryssa and Kaze-chan while they try to sort out the various goings-on, including locating the missing director.

Tasuki stalks backstage in only his robe, holding Chiriko by his ponytail. At the same time, Roku is stumbling around the greenroom area clutching the paper bag over her head, and ends up plowing straight into Tasuki and falling down. Tasuki looks down at the whimpering, bag-clad Director and sighs.

 

Tasuki: I know that I'm gonna regret askin' this, but… what the fuck are ya doin,' Roku?

Roku: (realizing that it's Tasuki that she's just run into) Ohhhhhhh, Gen-chaaaaaaaaan!! (wailing) I'm so sor-ryyyyyyyyy!!

 

Tasuki stands torn for a moment between a bagged and hysterical Director on one hand and a squirming junior pornographer in the other. To his relief, Mitsukake looms into view, ready for the next scene.

 

Tasuki: Thank Suzaku, Mits! Here, take this little shit and don't let him go, no matter what! Not unless you wanna find yourself a featured guest actor in a low-grade porn movie!

 

Mitsukake accepts custody of Chiriko while glancing askance at the Director's imitation of the Unknown Comic.

 

Mitsukake: All right, I am understanding exactly nothing of what’s going on here, but since that seems to be my perpetual role in life, I know my lines. Duhhhhhhh.

 

Tasuki stoops to try to lift the weeping Director, but she refuses to be moved, instead clinging to his bare knees. At this moment, Nuriko and Hotohori enter the backstage area from their dressing rooms and stop in shock at the sight of the Tasuki-Roku vignette.

 

Nuriko: Now that's just waaay too kinky, even for me! Especially in public!

Hotohori: (confused) But what is the purpose of the bag?

Tasuki: (pissed) Why don't you two sissy boys quit gaping and instead gimme some help with her?!

Nuriko: (smirking) Sorry, Gen-chan, but I don't swing that way.

Tasuki: (totally fed up) Listen, asshole, you know damn well that this is just another one of Roku's weird fits of hysteria!

Hotohori: (lifting one perfectly shaped eyebrow) Is that what she calls it? Very convenient!

Tasuki: (snarling) I shoulda known better than to expect either of you to do anything other than make stupid jokes! Forget it - I'll just handle this by myself, as usual!

 

He seizes Roku by the shoulders and drags her off to the greenroom couch. He pushes her back, lifts the bag off her head and forces her chin up with one finger.

 

Tasuki: Now tell me what's wrong.

Roku: (sobbing) Everything! Falling behind schedule, dealing with near-disasters every ten minutes, dealing with goddam SHIN!!, violating you and Miaka, and now - (wailing) now I'm in trouble with my mmoooooooooom!!

Tasuki: Whoa, whoa, whoa - back up to that part 'bout me and Miaka. Whaddaya mean, violatin' us?

Roku: (sniffling) I didn't mean to; it was Shin and the goddamn hiccups again! But I wasn't able to stop it, and the next thing I know, she's singing, then thongs are flying and then you're singing, and I…I know that it was all my fault!

 

Tasuki sits back a moment and rubs his chin thoughtfully. Roku sniffles then begins rubbing her nose in a circle.

 

Tasuki: (irritated) Here, stop that! Take a tissue.

 

He watches as Roku obediently dries her face.

 

Tasuki: (quietly) Now listen - what happened between me an' Miaka had nothin' ta do with you. (thinking a moment) Well, I guess it had a lot to do with you, but that's more 'cause of your matchmaking talents, not because of goddam Shin! At no point did I feel coerced into anythin,' and I'm pretty sure that Miaka feels th' same way, because as you well know, after our past history I'm pretty goddamned paranoid about the "consent" thing. I was watchin' her like a hawk every second, and if she woulda so much as wrinkled her nose ta sneeze, I woulda been outta there so fast all your heads woulda spun right off your necks! So I can tell you with almost one-hundred-percent certainty that Shin didn't have one goddamn thing ta do with us!

Roku: (plaintively) But what about the singing?!

Tasuki: Oh! I forgot about that! Yeah, well, maybe Shin made us burst inta song - but it didn't create the feelings behind th' song, if ya know what I mean! In fact, if it weren't for a little problem with a certain little shit, I'd hafta say that I was the happiest man in the world right now!

 

Roku finally relaxes and gives Tasuki a watery smile.

 

Roku: I'm glad…you don't know how glad I am to hear that, Gen-chan!

 

Tasuki suddenly grows still and stares into her eyes.

 

Tasuki: (softly) It really matters to you...that I'm happy. It's really important to you, isn't it?

Roku: (huskily) Yeah…yeah, it is.

 

There is a moment of silence as their gazes lock…then Roku shifts her eyes away.

 

Roku: (trying to sound light and flippant) Now about those hundred other problems I've got…

Tasuki: (snapping back to normal) Yeah - 'specially concerning one sneaky little shit! Let me show you what fell out of his pocket when I grabbed him. (thrusting a flyer into Roku's hands) Read this!!

Roku: (reading) Limited Time Offer! Your EXCLUSIVE Peek into the Behind-the-Scenes Action of "White Stones in the Moonlight," Chi-Town's Newest Hit Play! (looks up at Tasuki, pleased) Hey, did you notice this? Chiri-chan is predicting that we're going to be a big hit! Isn't that sweet?

Tasuki: (grimly) Before you nominate him for Boy Scout of the Year, you'd better keep reading.

Roku: (continuing to read) Order Now! Your ONE chance to witness the Hot, Uncensored Sexual Hi-Jinks of the Famous Stars of Fushigi Yuugi…(shrieking) WHAT?!!

Tasuki: (snarling) Keep going, it gets better.

Roku: (voice shaking) Also Introducing Fresh New Faces to the Adult Entertainment Arena - the Technical Crew of "WSitM" In Their Erotic Film Debuts….GeeeeeeeYAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

 

The Director's agonized scream brings cast and crew members running. Kryssa and Kaze-chan up in the tech booth call in over their radio headsets.

 

Kaze-chan: Roku!! What's going on?!

Roku: Nothing to do with you all - just another goddam crisis backstage! Just sit tight!

Kaze-chan: Look, we're coming down. We want to know what's going on!

Roku: No, you're not! I have enough to deal with down here - you guys stay put!!

Kaze-chan, Kryssa: Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!

 

The downstairs crew and most of the cast hover over the greenroom couch as Tasuki begins running the videotape for Roku.

 

Tasuki: Now take a look at what he was going to sell!

 

Unfortunately, it's Tasuki and Miaka's love scene in "Enchantment" at a much more revealing camera angle than the shrubbery-concealed stage version.

 

Nuriko: Whoa, Miaka!

Tasuki: (shrieking) WAIT!!

 

He tries to shut off the camera but ends up running the tape in fast-rewind instead. The tiny figures on the miniature screen move in rapid reverse motion.

 

Nuriko: Whoa, Gen-chan!

Tasuki: (pissed) Yeah, go ahead and laugh - your turn's coming! This is just his newest raw footage; wait till you see his edited - or should I say doctored - stuff!

 

A scene flashes by with Tasuki pushing off Nuriko's back and rolling to end up beneath him, his legs wrapped around Nuriko's waist. Hotohori blanches in shock.

 

Hotohori: (whispering) Nuriko…!!

Tasuki: (snarling) Relax, Lover-boy, I ain't doin' nothin' with your main squeeze! This is just the scene from "Flight" where I pulled myself up onto Nuriko's back after I picked up th' tessen - remember that this is in reverse! Chiriko just erased our harnesses and put us in a static backdrop!

Aikido: (sounding amused) That's some impressive editing!

Tasuki: Oh, you like it, do you? I hope you still like it when you see your footage, Princess!

Aikido: My footage?! I never did anything…

Tasuki: Just you wait!

 

At this point, a berobed Miaka walks up and leans over Tasuki's shoulder.

 

Miaka: What's that part with you and Roku and Chichiri behind your dressing screen?

Tasuki: (nervously placing a thumb over the viewscreen) Nothin'! Just rehearsin' a scene from one of her other works… (seeking a distraction) Oh, here! Here's your scene, Aikido-chan!

Aikido: I'm telling you that I never…OH!

 

The screen shows a robed Mitsukake walking backwards carrying Aikido-chan, then setting her down in reverse, removing the robe and ending up naked, then sliding over Aikido-chan and moving up and down on top of her as if doing push-ups.

 

Nuriko: Whoa, Mits!

Roku: No, wait, I was there for this! This was when Mits ran offstage naked and knocked into Aikido-chan, falling on top of her. But he never stayed on her like that!

Tasuki: That's the editing Aikido-chan admires so much - Chiriko cut the sequence going forward and back over and over again so that it ending up looking like this!

 

The tall seishi growls and shakes his small captive. Meanwhile, Nuriko has caught sight of something on film.

 

Nuriko: Wait! Play that part forward again!

 

The screen now shows Nuriko and Hotohori in what they thought was the privacy of Nuriko's dressing room.

 

Nuriko: Ohhhhhhhhh…so that's how you made me feel that way, Hotohori-samaaa! (frowning) Our camera didn't get such a good shot - must've been at a different angle…

Hotohori: (in a pained voice) Darling…

 

Nuriko looks up to see the rest of the cast and crew staring at them.

 

Nuriko: Oh! Eh! Ehehehehehehe!! Ummmm…(trying to sound morally outraged) Chiriko! How dare you put such private moments on videotape?!

Tasuki: (darkly) I think we'd all better check our dressing rooms for spy-cams.

 

He starts the film running backwards again, just in time to catch Chichiri, looking battered and bedraggled, crawling backwards under a lobby table to rejoin an enthusiastic Chichiri's Girl.

Nuriko calls out to Chichiri, who has wandered up to see what all the fuss is about.

 

Nuriko: Hey, Chichiri, how would you like to see yourself in the flesh?!

 

Chichiri glances at the videotape and flinches away.

 

Chichiri: (glumly) I was there in person - I don't need the scenic replay, thank you.

Tasuki: (eyes wide in wonder) I never knew that tantric sex was so…violent!

Roku: (covering her eyes) With my sister, everything's violent!

 

Meanwhile, the sister in question has sidled quietly up to the captive videographer. She leans towards him from the opposite side of Mitsukake.

 

Chichiri's Girl: (in an undertone to Chiriko) How much are you charging for copies of this?

 

The film has continued to run backwards, now showing Chichiri sitting dazed in a chair, then jumping up to passionately lock lips with Kryssa.

 

Nuriko: (gleefully) Chichiri, you SLUT! Two different women within a half-hour!

 

The magician merely shakes his head and sighs. Unbeknownst to the cast and crew, Tamahome, looking battered and trailing a few stray feathers, has finally dragged himself out of the substage basement with Sanosuke's and Sorceress' assistance, the pile of the Knights of Ni having thankfully disappeared with Roku's hiccups. Tamahome is now standing with the rest of the crowd, staring in shock at the film shot of him caught up in Nakago's embrace, apparently engaging in some serious tonsil-tickling with the Seiryuu warrior.

Nuriko crows in delight, unaware that Tamahome is right behind him.

 

Nuriko: Tamahome, you SLUT!!

Tamahome: (roaring) What the Hell is THIS?!!

 

Tasuki quickly shuts off the videocamera before any more footage of him with Miaka appears on the screen.

 

Roku: (darkly) This is a sample of what Chiriko was filming tonight.

Tasuki: And here's what our junior entrepreneur was plannin' on handin' out to the audience after the show.

 

He hands Tamahome the flyer. Tamahome scans it quickly, then glares at Chiriko, his "oni" sign glowing.

Chiriko realizes that he is the object of hostile stares from six Suzaku seishi, one Suzaku miko, and at least two crew members.

 

Chiriko: (shrinking back in Mitsukake's grip) Ulpp!

 

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Author Note:   (9-1-03)  (Roku peeks out nervously) Ah, yeah, I've been gone just a liiiiittle while longer from this fic than promised, but listen…(ducks objects being hurled at her by the Casting Stones audience)…All right, all right, I apologize!! In the words of Ritsu from Fruits Basket - Goooooooo-meeeeenn!! Gomen nasaiiiiiiiiiii!!

Next, I must credit the creators of "Young Frankenstein" for the, er, "Big O" song (aka Sweet Mystery of Life). The problem is that I can't find an exact credit for the "composer," but I'm pretty sure that it's either Gene Wilder (screenwriter as well as star) or Mel Brooks (director), sooooo - thanks, guys! (10-6-03 update - see last note below for correction)

Okay, let's get down to business. As I've already told Ryu-chan, I'm not terribly happy with this chapter. There's definitely been more perspiration than inspiration here, but I was determined to get this thing finished! The more I worked on this chapter, the loooonger it got, so I finally decided to just cut it off here in fond hope of getting to the funnier bits in the next two chapters.

However, the one thing that tickled me was…the re-winding of Chiriko's videotape. I hadn't realized how many separate incidents of sexually suggestive interactions were in CS until I started writing this scene last night! And I only covered Chapters 8 through 10 in this part! ^ ~

Also…don't ask me why the Evil Minute Hen wants to get Tamahome. I honestly don't have a clue. That's a question that you'll have to address to Crazy Lady.

Now for "old business." Probably everyone has forgotten about the "contest" from the long-past-posted Chapter 10, but here are the answers, anyway, as to which five anecdotes were closest to or farthest from Reality…

 

1) Roku's Tasuki's suspicions of Nuriko and Chichiri - A. Accurate

Yes, my Best-Beloved had truly become fiercely jealous of time I was spending with men that he did not realize were two-dimensional! He was also really suspicious of the nefarious Purple Mouse and her blatant encouragement of my "infidelity." You don't believe me? Ask Aikido-chan!

 

2) Dinner with Mouse-chan and friends - C. Extremely exaggerated

It really cracked me up to see how many of you believed that I nearly killed Purple Mouse during dinner. I know better than to do something like that - her fans would have hunted me down and DISMEMBERED me! Whoooo-hooooooo!

 

3) Dancing with the Director - B. Slightly exaggerated

I'm sorry to report that most of this is factual - my execrable dancing style (or lack thereof) is the unadulterated truth! And I really was carded by Security, who took a looooong time to clear me, although I can't be sure that it was because of my resemblance to an Al Qaeda terrorist. Of course, it might have been because they really DID think that I was under age 21! (Aikido-chan and Kryssa cough violently.)

 

4) The broken car window and Tasuki's subsequent reaction - A. Accurate

What can I say? Sometimes my Best-Beloved can be totally bizarre (see #1 above), and sometimes he can be a total sweetie. That's how he's kept me endlessly fascinated through the years! ^ ~

 

5) The insurance and repair estimate scenario - C. Extremely exaggerated

I was admittedly unfair to State Farm in this anecdote. They paid all costs of the window quickly and without argument AND they do not have a "fanfiction clause" in their exemption policy. However, if Roku continues to damage her car while doing fanfic research, State Farm may be seriously considering enacting such a rider! ^ ~

 

So who came closest in their guesses? It was……. (drum roll)…..

 

Spak-chan!!!

With the First Runner-Up being Eikou!

Congratulations, Gals!

 

Oh, special note to Eikou - as many of my reviewers will tell you, I am usually pretty good about answering questions. But the thing is - you never left an e-mail address to reply to! So if those questions are still weighing on your mind, just e-mail me and I will reply as soon as I can!

I would also like to thank the following reviewers for participating in the contest:

Uozumi

Spak-chan

J. Liha

Shadow Priestess

Eikou

Methodic Madness

You rock, girls!!

 

Okay, this AN is getting waaaaaaay long, so I thought I'd just mention a couple of things - Go check out the FF.net author page of my Assistant Director, Sorceress, if you want to see a really cool pic of her cosplay outfit. She looks like an Elf Warrior or Mage - and she needs those magical abilities to deal with Casting Stones' insane cast and director! Waaaaaaaay tight, Girlfriend! Oh, by the way, that's SOrceress - capital S, capital O, then the rest of the letters in lower-case. ^ ~

Also check out my author page for Spak-chan's brilliant rendition of a theatre poster for "Casting Stones." Beautiful work, Spak-chan!

Speaking of which, the FY authors' group and I recently visited the real, live Casting Stones theatre. It's been a few years since I was last there, so I wasn't sure how accurately I had depicted it, but - so many things just gave me a thrill to see up close: the balcony from which Inu-Yasha and company hold forth, the front rows where Mom, Dad, Ryuen, Purple Mouse and the Seiryuu crew hang out, the richly decorated ceiling beneath which Tasuki and Nuriko flew in "Flight," and most importantly, the impressive glass-faced tech booth at the upper back of the theatre. I could almost see Kaze-chan and Kryssa trapped within! Downstairs, the lobby statuary was not as grotesque as I remembered it, but… the theatre restoration designers' motto was obviously, "There Is No Such Thing As Too Much Gilding!!" The interior is blindingly gold and excessively decorated - yeah, Kaze-chan, Mouse-chan, Ryuen, and the Vampire Princess are still blinking spots out of their eyes!!

Finally - time to go. But be ready for next time when the CS technical crew becomes understandably annoyed with the Director and stages a revolt. Oh, yes, there will probably be Yet Another Purple Mouse scene in this upcoming chapter - and for some reason, I keep picturing her dancing onstage to J-pop tunes. Hmmmm, wherever did THAT image come from, Mouse-chan?!

 

Ja ne!

Roku-chan

 

P.S. One last thing - I need to acknowledge this very special day. It's my Tasuki's birthday (no, not the FY Tasuki - Roku-chan's fiery Best-Beloved.) This is also the reason for the Tasuki-Roku moment near the end of this chapter; it's a sort of commemoration of the way we are in our quieter moments. So in case you ever read this, sweetness - Happy Birthday!

(10-6-03)  Okay, just One More Author Note!! A VERY warm thank you to Trillium, whose astute knowledge of musicals allowed me to hunt down the correct credits for "Sweet Mystery of Life." This song was originally from a musical (or operetta) from 1910 called "Naughty Marietta," music by Victor Herbert, lyrics by Rida Johnson Young. This musical was subsequently made into a Jeanette MacDonald-Nelson Eddy movie in 1935, which is probably the source that Mel Brooks used. Thanks again, Trillium - boy, I just LOVE when research gets it right! Oh, and Happy Belated Birthday as well, girlfriend!