FALLEN ANGELS
A Fruits Basket Fanfic
Written by Miyu, Vampire Princess
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Again with the ideas from Mona-chan. And yet another Shigure x Rin story. With
still no word from Rin, Shigure digs himself into a deep, dark depression. This
part told from Shigure's POV. The song lyrics are from Sarah McLachlan's
"Fallen". Comments are always welcome.
CHAPTER 4 - So Low
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Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
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Five days.
Mit-chan came to see yesterday, asking about my new manuscript. I insisted it would be completed by the deadline. It was mostly finished anyway. I just had no idea how it was going to end. I still don't.
Since the day Rin left, I've waited for the epiphany that would never appear. I've waited for Rin to come back to me. I've waited for the end of my story.
But...there's been nothing. Nothing. And I'm left feeling like my manuscript. Incomplete.
I must admit that I'm not familiar, or comfortable, with the feeling. I've felt guilt. Pain. Joy. Sorrow. And yes, even love. I dealt with those feelings. Some are better than others, but you have to deal with everything life gives you.
So why can't I deal with this?
Yuki, Kyo and Tohru left for their class trip this morning. They've been the greatest distraction to this whole mess. I should be grateful to have my house to myself for a change. But I will miss Tohru's cooking. She left me several meals I can reheat easily enough. She's such a wonderful girl our innocent little Tohru.
You know...I harbored thoughts about doing things to her that I really shouldn't have thought. It would've been so easy to convince her too. To lure her. To have her in my bed. Hell, hers would be more comfortable. It would've been easy...if not for three things.
Yuki.
Kyo.
And my own goddamn conscience.
Now don't get me wrong! I care about Tohru. I think of her as family and I would never knowingly place her in danger. But it was tempting.
So evil, yet so tempting.
Yes, I should be VERY relieved that they left for their class trip today. I can sleep in. I can order out. I can even walk around my own house naked. I haven't done that in years...save for once, and it scared the hell out of Yuki although I'm not sure why.
But an empty house also leaves me alone with my thoughts. They've been so dark as of late. Everything from dreams of Rin to thoughts of doing nasty little things to my precious flower. I've managed to find ways to quell the latter. The former is not so easily forgotten.
I could curse Rin's name, but then I'd only think about her more. I need to concentrate. Focus on the manuscript. Focus on the main character. I only need a little bit more. I can do this. I. CAN. DO. THIS.
*sigh* No. I can't.
I can't do anything but think of Rin.
I've never been so obsessed over anything. I've had my share of sexual encounters, but even those handful that were anywhere near as good as Rin I was able to push away easily. There had been nothing but lust involved. Want. Need. No real caring. No tenderness.
No love.
I knew I couldn't get involved.
Just like I knew I couldn't get involved with Rin.
But I did.
I didn't MEAN to sleep with Rin. Perhaps it was a mistake. I'd considered it many times over the past few days. But I don't regret it. I can't. I can't even bring myself to feel sorry. It happened. What can I do to change it now?
I don't want to change it...the fact that it happened, I mean.
And Haru hasn't come by to kick my butt. That's a good sign too. Isn't it?
Gods I can't take this. It's difficult to imagine calm, collected me get all hot and bothered over one of my younger cousins. Well, all right. If you were Ha-san, possibly Aya, it wouldn't be a stretch. I used to do this all the time over girls, especially in high school. Hormones can be such a pain in the ass. I blamed it on my curse. The dog. It worked, but only for a little while. I got over the guilt, washing it away with satisfaction. But looking back, it was pretty empty. The words. The emotions. Even the actions.
Just like now.
One by one I toss the burnt out butts of my cigarettes over the railing and into the basin of stones surrounding my porch. I've gone through an entire box of imports in just two days. I only have three left for the month, but at the rate I'm going they'll be gone by the end of the week. I smoke like crazy when I'm uncomfortable. And that's just what I am, in more ways than one. I'm putting off the inevitable. But after six straight, even the cool breeze outside and the still pouring rain can do nothing to ease my aches and pains.
Well, then, I guess it's off to take a relaxing bath.
A COLD, almost FREEZING bath.
I manage to sink down to my knees in the cold water. For a few moments, it's enough to quell any thought of anyone. Damn its cold! Finally I lower myself to sit. My teeth chatter lightly as I lay back, allowing the cold water to take control of my brain.
But my thoughts interrupt me again.
I can picture Rin's smirk. And if I concentrate hard enough I can feel her hands touching my skin. Her fingertips are warm to the touch, burning my skin as they caress. They blaze fire from my shoulder to my chest, over my hardening nipples and lower. Into the water.
I try to imagine someone else. Mit-chan. Ha-san. Tohru. Well, the first two would've worked if they'd stuck around long enough. But even thoughts of my precious little flower flutter away. Always she returns. Always.
Finally I let go. I sigh, letting my thoughts take control and my hands...yes, I realize that I'm jerking myself off now...gentle stroke my engorged flesh. I didn't think it could get so hard in this cold water.
I amaze even myself sometimes.
Now that I've made even more of a mess, I clean up and crawl from the tub. There's one other little thing to worry about, I remember. Akito. I can't mention any of this to him. Even if I want to.
One, it would implicate myself and my own research into the curse. I've managed to hide it for years, although it hasn't been very fruitful. Two, well, the last time Akito and Rin were alone she got pushed out a window and ended up in the hospital for over a week. Even I'll admit it was unpleasant. Three...I just can't bring myself to do it.
I don't lie to Akito. That's always been my policy. It's kept me in his good graces so far. I can't ruin my work by telling him. And I won't ruin Rin's life, too. So this has to stay quiet. Not a word.
But he always finds out. Always.
And I have to see him tomorrow.
Feeling less than relaxed and more ill at ease, I make my way down to my study, noting that there are three messages on my answering machine. Probably all from Mit-chan. I know the woman means well, but for once, I wish she'd leave me alone.
With a sigh, I sit at my computer, still wondering about the end of my story. Still wondering about my life. About Rin.
Five days.
Gods send me a sign. Something. Anything!
SLAM!
"Nani--?!"
"Shigure!"
I'm loosing my mind!
"Rin?!"
~TO BE CONTINUED~