FALLEN ANGELS
A Fruits Basket Fanfic
Written by Miyu, Vampire Princess
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Yet another Shigure x Rin story. Told in 6 parts. Now that Rin's run out on him,
how will Shgiure react? This chapter is split between Shigure and Rin
(respectively). Non-lemon chapter, but angst abounds! Please enjoy. The song
lyrics are from Sarah McLachlan's "Fallen". Comments are always
welcome.
CHAPTER 3 - Vacillation
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We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
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'Well this...for lack of a better term...sucks.'
As the clock strikes the hour of five, I'm still stuck in my study, despite the business of the house around me. My manuscript is halfway complete -- thanks to Rin's...interruption. But concentration eludes me. I think about going out into the kitchen, but quickly toss it aside. I would only be a nuisance...not that Tohru would complain, most likely.
Tohru's home from school along with Yuki and Kyo. The boys are upstairs. I can tell by their footfalls. It appears that Kyo is making his way to the roof while Yuki is going to sit at his desk to do homework. Tohru, no doubt, is already in the kitchen cooking a wonderful dinner. The air smells of raw vegetables and shrimp. I wonder what delicacy she will whip up for us tonight.
My stomach rumbles in response. Oh, that's right. I didn't have lunch. Silly me.
Sighing I close my eyes, shutting out every noise entering my brain. I've learned to do this over the years. Especially to Hatori when he decides to lecture me. But it's useful for concentration. For a moment I believe my head to be cleared and I smile in relief. But as soon as my eyes open, I'm reminded of a few hours ago and my concentration is gone.
Standing from my chair, I walk over to my futon. Folded ever so neatly is Rin's clothing. Right there on the end. She took off wearing my yukata. Unfortunately her clothes don't fit me. Lucky me.
Fortunately I had another clean yukata.
I did leave the room for a short period of time after she left. Her clothes were still in the dryer and the front door was hanging wide open. I stood on the porch for a few minutes, smoking a cigarette and trying to contemplate what Rin was thinking. I gave up very quickly. Rin is an enigma and only she knows what's going through her head.
Although, in the state she came to me in, I wonder IF she knows what's going through her head.
/It's a mistake./
I suppose I could agree with that. I hadn't meant to take it any farther than a kiss. Really. But I couldn't stop. Not when she was right there. In front of me. Naked. And so responsive. I have to admit that my perversness probably showed. I've always wondered what sleeping with Rin would be like, but I never thought it would be possible.
Well...never say never....
Okay, so it went further than either of us planned...if you want to call it planned. For once, I don't think Rin had any ulterior motives. Her visit had nothing to do with the family curse, I'm convinced. Easily convinced, strangely enough.
But then...why?
/Make the pain go away./
She must've had a fight with Haru. But then, why come to me? They've had arguements before. Their relationship see-saws more than a piece of wood at a children's playground. After akito put her in the hospital and she told Haru she couldn't see him any more, I thought I'd seen the end of their relationship. Not so. They carried on in secret...much like they had done before. On and off. Off and on. Most times it was difficult to tell if they were together or if they had gone their sepearate ways.
There was a time when I had...entertained...the idea of having a relationship with Rin. It was shortly after she began coming to see me. She was the unattainable one. The unattainable dream. Screw the fact that she was sleeping with my younger cousin. Although she was only after information on the family curse, I must admit that I liked her visits. It was the only time I could be close to her. Perhaps it was the only time she was willing to be alone with me. Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?
Damn. Bad pun.
All right. So we made a mistake. What now?
Should I mention this to Haru? On second thought, I'll let HER mention it and hope that he won't come looking for my lazy hide. I'd be no match for him in a fight anyway. Intellectual battles are more my style. More enjoyable. And...I don't have a death wish yet.
Of course, if Akito finds out, I'll WISH Haru had beaten me to a bloody pulp. Or Kyo or Yuki for that matter. Neither one has a reason to defend Rin at the present time, but their hammering would be preferable to the taste of hatred Akito would not spare on me. He consideres us close, and while we haven't actually had sex -- that's just not my thing -- I know that he would be jealous. He dislikes the fact that I am so close to Yuki. He dislikes that I like having Tohru in my house. He dislikes...just about anything that doesn't pertain to him. I'd call him a spoiled brat, but he's far from that.
Tormented and tortured maybe, but not spoiled.
Telling Akito is out of the question. I can deflect anything he may say to teh contrary. Rin won't speak of word of what happened to him herself. Despite her tough exterior she's scared to death of what Akito could do to her next. And like me, she has a strong will to live. I guess that leaves me with only one option.
Let it go.
Easier said than done. How does one let go of one of the best romps in the sack he's ever had? It's stuck in my head now, dammit. Even after using it for romance fodder for my latest novel, it won't get out of my head. I could busy myself with other things, but honestly, there's nothing remotely interesting I can think of.
But I have to let it go. And who knows...maybe one day Rin will come crawling back.
'Now THAT I would love to see.'
Down boy, down!
Okay, so I have all the logical stuff hammered out. Good.
Then why do I still feel like shit? How unusual.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
"AH! Come in, Tohru-kun."
The girl peaks her head through the door. She looks only mildly surprised that I knew it was her. Oh how I miss that look of utter astonishment. She smiles at me and her sweet voice declares, "Dinner is ready."
"Arigato, Tohru-kun. I'm starved."
"Ano...Shigure-san?"
"Hai?"
She purses her lips in thought then asks, "Weren't you wearing a different kimono this morning?"
I'm now the one with the look of utter astonishment, but only for a moment. I chuckle to hide my own embarassment. So good of her to notice. "Hai. But I wore it outside to smoke and well...with all the rain...."
"AH! Then I should dry your old one."
I wave a hand at her. "No need. Already done." When she looks at me curiously I add with a bit of hurt in my voice, "I do know how to operate a dryer, Tohru-kun."
"Gomen nasai," she replies hurriedly, blushing furiously. It's one of the cute things about my precious little flower.
"It's all right," I assure her with my best smile. "Why don't you call Yuki and Kyo to dinner?"
"Hai."
Dinner is a welcome relief to my own thoughts. Tohru had prepared a delectable meal consisting of grilled chicken and stir-fry vegetables over rice. My stomach thanked her hearitly before I even sat down. Yuki wonders down from upstairs and greets me kindly. Kyo simply grunts as he steps past Yuki to sit at his usual spot at the table.
Gathering at the table gives me the chance to pursue two of my favorite pasttimes: picking on Kyo and Yuki and teasing Tohru. I have been lax in both areas of late. Too busy working. Shame on me! But for the most part I remain quiet during the meal, adding my own two cents only when I know it isn't welcome. It gets under their skin quicker that way.
I help tohru clear the table, feeling I still need the distraction. Yuki and Kyo want to comment, but they don't. Thank the gods. When I'm finished, I excuse myself and return to my study.
Where my problems are still waiting for me.
I sit in front of my computer, forcing my brain to think of the manuscript. It works, but only temporarily. Before long I hit another road block, my fingers twitching over the keyboard. For a brief moment I can feel Rin's smooth skin, hear her ragged breathing. I can just imagine what it would be like to be inside of her again. She was tighter than I thought she'd be. Gods she felt so good. So perfect.
Pacing does no good. I could smoke like a crack whore and it wouldn't work. A cold shower does nothing and lying in the dark on the same futon is far from calming. At least the house is quiet, save for the sound of Kyo moving on the roof. Sounds like somenoe else is up there with him. Tohru. It has to be, her footsteps are so slight. Hmm...I wonder what they could be up to. Images of earlier flash before my eyes and I sigh.
What did you want from me Rin? Did you want me to want you? Did you want to me be left feeling as much pain as you?
/...the pain...make it stop...please..../
Just let it go.
Yeah, right.
************************************************
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear
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Dammit, I can't sleep.
And it's all his fault. With those gentle hands. Persuasive lips. And his fingers! Gods, but he knows just how to touch me.
I feel myself react just to the thought and I swear out loud.
No good. This is no good. Why the hell did I let him get to me?
'You know why,' my mind answers. My body agrees.
"Shut up," I growl to both of them.
Tossing my covers aside I slip from bed and make my way to the window. My room is on the second floor, and no I have no intention of jumping. Although sometimes I wonder what it would feel like. As if one trip out a window wasn't enough.
Unlocking the window I lift it open. Not the whole way since it's still raining outside. But enough to let the cool, evening air into my stuffy, little room. Grabbing the chair from my desk, I haul it the few feet towards the window. I throw one leg over the chair, sitting down, my arms resting on the back of the chair as I watch the rain. It soothes, calms, but only a little.
When did my life get so messed up?
I had convinced myself earlier that what had happened just...happened. No use in fighting it. Just let it go, I told myself.
And for a moment, I did. The water took me to a place far from reality. A calm, quiet place. Not necessarily dark, but not bright either. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I began to relax, allowing the hot water to penetrate tired and sore muscles. My body had taken more of a beating than I thought.
"Rin, we need to talk."
No, I don't want to think about that. But I can't keep Haru's voice from breaking my peaceful silence.
"It's important."
"It would have to be to skip school," I replied with a laugh.
"I suppose."
His voice sounded no different than any other day, but his body language was...off-putting. Distant. I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid to get close. And he wasn't even in 'black' mode. I've never been afraid of Haru, even when his dark side showed. So you can imagine my surprise when I stopped mid-stride, my arms slightly outstretched to touch him. I recoiled quickly and my fear escalated when he did nothing to reassure me.
Haru sensed my nervousness then, but still made no move towards me. "Rin?"
"So what's up," I asked casually, crossing my arms over my chest.
"I've been thinking...."
"That's not always a good thing."
"I know," he replied seriously. My previous remark had been a joke. Something serious was going on.
"Akito hasn't done anything...has he?"
Haru shook his head. "No. As far as I know, he doesn't know about us."
I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Okay...so, you've been thinking...?"
"Yeah," he said, running a hand through his bi-colored hair.
"About what?"
"Life. Love. Things in general."
Okay. I nodded. "Has something come up?"
"Actually...yes."
My heart stopped and I had to take another deep breath to start it again. "Well...share."
Haru sighed audibly. "Maybe we should talk about this someplace else."
"Talk about what?"
"About us?"
Another deep breath. "What about us?"
"It wasn't meant to be." Silence. "Rin?"
"That's how you truly feel...after all this time...."
"I want to explain."
I don't want to hear it. "Okay."
"I came to a realization the other day. I...I enjoy spending time with you and being with you."
"But?" I couldn't keep the worry and venom from my voice.
He sighed again before answering, "I don't love you any more."
A condescending grunt worked its way from my throat to my nose. It was an unlady-like snort, but I didn't care. I simply couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"Next, you're going to tell me there's someone else."
Without fail he said, "There's...someone else."
Cold. Even as the sun hid behind the dark clouds coming in. Even as the rain slowly began to fall to earth. I felt cold. Bitter cold. I was like an ice sculpture, a body frozen in place.
"Rin, I know this is a shock. Believe me, I was shocked to." Haru's voice had a bit more tone to it, a bit more emotional. Who was he trying to convince? Himself or me? "But...I can't let this chance go. Please...try to understand. I know. You'll get over it in time. You're strong, Rin. You'll move on." He paused again, sucking in air. "I'll always care about you, but I can't let this go. I just can't."
Grasping me by the shoulders he looked at me for approval for acceptance. I could give him neither, as much as my heart wanted to even in the midst of pain.
"Rin?"
When I finally got up the courage to speak, I said, "Go to hell."
And when I finally got up the strength to move, I ran. Straight to the one man who could destroy me. Straight to Shigure.
Why? Why did I do that? And why did I let him--? Why did he let me--?
What DID we do? Besides the obvious.
I have to admit it was good. No doubt about it. And it felt...different...from all the time I'd been with Haru. There was no worry about being caught. No promises that could be broken. No words to get in the way. It was pure and simple bliss. With, perhaps, a touch of real emotion...on both our parts.
A little bit of love.
HA! What a joke. Shigure's never loved a woman in his life...with perhaps the exception of his mother. He's a user. A manipulator. I can't let him drag me down. I can't allow him to control me. But he was so gentle in bed. So tender and caring. Maybe the man is capable of love. Maybe he just never found it.
Perhaps, in some ways, we deserve each other. I was using Haru. As much as I loved him I was using him. He was my crutch. My hidden joy. My escape from reality. And when reality would set in I would push him I away. I'd done it so many times before. But I loved him. From the bottom of my heart. I gave him everything. Apparently he couldn't do the same.
"You'll get over it."
Will I? Maybe...just maybe. But with Shigure?
"It was a mistake."
My own words sound hollow to my ears. Maybe it was a mistake...but perhaps, it was a good one, ne?
"At least tell me what this was."
What I did...what WE did -- Shigure and I -- wasn't betrayal.
It was...right.
"I don't want you to leave."
Gods help me I didn't want to leave. I didn't. It hurts like hell to admit, but it's the truth. I wanted to stay locked in his arms. Hell I wanted another round of sex! But I left anyway. I did what would keep me safe.
Just like I ran from Haru to keep my heart safe.
So what do I do now? I can't approach Shigure and I sure as hell don't want to talk to Haru. Let the son of a bitch lead his new life, although I'll enjoy seeing him crawl back some day. HA!
'You don't want him anyway.'
"Stop that," I tell myself and all I hear is giggling in my head. I hate giggling.
'You don't need him.'
I want to scream. Really, REALLY loud. Who the hell am I kidding? My brain is right. I don't want Haru anymore, but...but...BUT!
But I don't know where to go from here.
Do I keep myself safe, or do I go for the risk? Is the risk worth it? Gods help me, I want find out.
But I'm scared. Really scared.
I hate being scared.
~TO BE CONTINUED~