Scene 1: Draco�s Lab.
Draco is sharpening pencils in his lab alone with an electric sharpener. On it is a sign saying �Warning � do not use this to cut your hair!� Rad then walks in looking a bit worried.
Draco: Ah Rad, how are you this morning?
Rad: Tired. I just did my twelve hour shift at the bar.
Draco: Well, look on the bright side. You didn�t have to bathe your elderly mother this morning.
Rad: You really did that?
Draco: No. But the point is you didn�t!
Rad: Yeah well I�ve got something that needs examining.
Draco: What?
Rad: My testicles.
Draco: Oh well� em� sit down then. I think that�s what we do.
Rad sits down.
Rad: Now what?
Draco: God knows! Your testicles!?
Rad: For goodness sake!
Draco: Okay I�m sorry. What are you symptoms?
Rad: Well I�ve got this lump.
Draco: On your� testicles.
Rad: No� in my testicles.
Draco: Well if it�s just another 20th century disease it�s easily cured. How long have you had it?
Rad: Four months.
Draco: Rad! You shouldn�t be embarrassed about these things! You need to come see me right away.
Rad: I�m not embarassed. I�m just very easily turned on!
Draco: You what!
Rad: Men are just worried that they�ll get an erection if the doctor makes contact. That�s the way it is.
Draco: Well if it�s one of the old ones, you�ll have to suck this lollipop.
Draco hands him a lollipop.
Rad: Are you serious?
Draco: Yeah. It cures everything. Colds. Cancers. Diabetes.
Rad: The last one�s a bit ironic!
Draco: Yes. I suppose it is.
Rad: To be honest though Draco� there�s more.
Draco: Like what?
Rad: Well the lump you see� it has the habit of going for a swim!
Draco: A swim!?
Rad: Sometimes it moves about of it�s own accord!
Draco: Well. This changes everything.
Draco throws away the lollipop.
Draco: There�s two possibilities. One, you�ve mutated so much that you�ve developed a third ball!
Rad: Aargh!
Draco: Two, you�ve got a radiated gerbil in there!
Rad: Sorry?! A radiated gerbil!? That�s so absurd it doesn�t even provoke the slightest bit of fear!
Draco: To be honest Rad. It�s 99.9% a gerbil!
Rad: What are you saying?!
Draco: You�ve got a radiated gerbil in your groin!
Rad: HOW!?
Draco: Well, you know how most animals got bigger when exposed to large amounts of Radiation. Like Godzilla?
Rad: Yeah, I know that.
Draco: The gerbil got smaller!
Rad: Oh crap!
Draco: Wait � how long did you say you�d had it for?
Rad: Four months, why?
Draco: You�ve been very lucky. It must have made a nest!
Rad: How could that possibly be lucky?!
Draco: Rad, the gerbil�s looking for a drink. It�s an evil gerbil. It�s not nice! It likes blood!
Rad: Aargh!
Draco: It could aim for one of the connecting veins! With a little nibble there, it would cut off blow flow. You might never have an erection again!
Rad: You�ve got to do something!
Draco: First thing � don�t get turned on!
Rad: Now what?
Draco: Shake your testicles about!
Rad: No!
Draco: Okay. I�ll put some music on! (Draco switches on his CD player)
Rad: What will that do?!
Draco: You need to shake it out of its nest!
Rad: I�ll try.
Rad makes feeble attempts at dancing by jumping around.
Draco: Move that ass Rad! Move that ass!
Rad moves his ass around.
Rad: Yeah! It�s moving!
Draco: Good! Now go to that toilet in that corner and urinate it out!
Rad runs over to the toilet and begins to urinate.
Rad: Oh god! AARGH!
Draco: Damn. You can do it buddy.
Rad: AARGH!
Then there is a plop of water. The gerbil has fallen into the water.
Rad: Oh my god! It�s huge! (zips himself up)
Draco runs over to examine it.
Draco: You were very lucky indeed Rad.
Rad: Lucky? The pain I�ve been through! The terrible pain!
Draco: This gerbil was pregnant!
Rad faints.
