EPISODE THREE - 'General Dipshit'
1) Awards Ceremony.
This is a sizable music hall, with lots of fancy dresses, tuxedos and some red carpet present. The show is about to start.
Announcer: And now ladies and gentlemen, the moment you�ve all been waiting for. The Evil Fascist Dictatorship Awards! And your host for this evening is� the man known by the showbiz persona of� FALLOUT GOD.
Fallout God walks onto the stage in completely black clothes. Momentous applause ensues.
Fallout God: SHUT IT! I want to be out of here in half an hour! I�m just doing this for some money. I have to pay for some bastard�s kneecap replacement!
The applause subsequently stops.
CUT TO:
In the audience, the StGFC gang sit in rather dirty looking suits.
Stapes: Look at the state of us! We�re dirtier than a Tony Blair dossier. And it�s all Rad�s fault.
Rad: I�m sorry! How was I to know the evil fascist dictatorship city that this award show was being held in would demand the death penalty for someone wearing white socks?
Stapes: It�s a blatant fashion faux pas! Black suit and white socks, indeed!
Scotty: How did you escape by the way?
Rad: Well, just as they were about to shoot me, government propaganda suddenly proclaimed �White is Black, Urine is Water and Marlon Brando is Marlon Wayans�. So basically, they were completely brainwashed and thought I was wearing black socks. Easy!
Scotty: (smiling) That was overly convenient, you lucky bastard!
Rad: Oh well, its not like I write this stuff� (Winks and raises eyebrow at camera)
Stapes: Haha! Imagine if you did write this stuff. If you wrote what happens in our vault you�d have to have a mighty sexual obsession with Pip!
Silence.
Rad: (awkward) �Yes� well� anyway! Shame Slurry couldn�t be here.
Scotty: Yes, but he said he was washing his hair for the next week!
Stapes: That is such an excuse. He�s probably going to invite his focus group around � the Nudist Australian Sci-Fi Enthusiast Committee!
Scotty: Probably yes, but we�ll give him the benefit of the doubt. My, isn�t it amazing that only two years ago, FG was drinking in our pub speaking about the world in a less than positive manner. And now look at him, a celebrity, presenting a big-profile award show� in a less than positive manner!
Stapes: Oh yeah. It�s a real rag-to-riches story. Are we up first?
Scotty: Indeed.
CUT TO:
Fallout God: Now the way this works is we start off with the shitty awards before proceeding steadily to the big ones. Here to present the award for Alternative Forms Of Government is up and coming New Reno porn star, Sissy Stapes.
Sissy, Stapes� sister, walks out onto the stage in very revealing lingerie.
CUT TO:
Stapes looking shocked.
Stapes: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
Everyone in the audience turns round to see Stapes screaming.
CUT TO:
Fallout God: Constipation pills for Aisle Four, please!
Laughter.
Sissy: The nominees for Alternative Forms of Government are: The Hatchery and Conditioning of all Human Beings in the Quest for Universal Happiness Yet Failing Horribly And Managing To Destroy Human Individuality Movement�
Polite Applause. We zoom over on the big screen to see a lot of stereotypical scientists in white coats.
Sissy: � the Masculinist Enforcers for the Prevention of Female Domination�
Polite applause. We zoom over to see a dozen over-muscled men in ballerina outfits. One of the men jumps in front of the camera.
Masculinist: We can dress how we like! I�m a human being! I�ve got as much right to live as any woman!
Sissy: �The New Californian Republic�
The entire audience hisses and boos as President Tandi appears on screen.
Tandi: What? Don�t you fascists understand democracy? We�re the last hope for the Wasteland! The last hope! You are sick bastards! � Anyway, thanks for talkin�!
Sissy: �and finally The Radiated Society.
The cameras turn to the StGFC Gang.
Pip: I�m on telly, mom!
Phox: Save the Whale!
Boboj: Bugger me sideways!
Gauss: I don�t know these weird people! They kidnapped me!
The camera cuts back to Sissy.
Sissy: And the winner is� it�s the Radiated Society!
CUT TO:
The entire StGFC gang jumping up and down!
All: YYYYEEEESSSSS!!!
Pip: I did sod all!
Stapes: What is my sister doing with no sodding clothes on?!
They begin walking down the stairs to the stage, waving to the applauding crowd. They get up on stage, where Stapes glares at the near-naked Sissy.
Fallout God: Where the hell is their award, bitch?!
Stapes: Don�t you call my sister a bitch, Damien!
Fallout God: Watch it, or they�ll be a recap of the Missing Kneecap Incident!
Sissy: To present the award is the friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a cousin of a godfather of a dentist of an Egyptian Pharaoh of a man called Phil of a Pope ordained Jessop the Fourth of a cousin of a daughter of a friend of a friend of a friend� (inhales deeply) �of Henry Kissinger!
A completely bland man walks onto the stage holding the golden statuette and hands it to Scotty.
Bland man: (boring) Here you go. This is your award that you won.
Scotty: YESSS!!! COME ON! WAHEY! � (clears throat) I would like to thank� nah. I would like to thank myself for having a vision. A vision of greatness. A vision that even though you fascists disagree with, you can see the sheer willpower and effort I�ve put in to gain such respectability.
Andrew farts.
Phox: Hahahahahaha!!!
Scotty: Indeed! Would any of you gentleman like to say a word?
Stapes: Yeah, I would. Ladies and Gentleman, tell me this: if you found your 23 year old sister standing near-naked in front of you at an Evil Fascist Dictatorship Awards Show for completely insane nutters, how would you feel? (Stapes points at man in the audience) Yes, you sir!
Man: I�d feel turned on!
Stapes: You�re sick!
Gauss whispers to Rad.
Gauss: (whispers) Watch this, man!
Gauss walks over to the podium.
Gauss: Ladies and gentleman, I�d like to thank the academy, but most of all� I�d like to thank my mama! (Starts fake crying) I remember� when we were scratching a living together by carving rocks in designs we found in the Complete Idiot�s Guide to Phallic Symbolism� (Crying intensifies) I remember� you told me� that if I tried hard enough� I could accomplish� absolutely anything. (Loud crying)
The entire audience bursts into tears. The gang of StGFC however, look disgustedly in Gauss� direction.
Gauss: (loud, fake crying and looks to the heavens) Here I am mama! Here I am! �I still talk to my mama� , who was killed simultaneously by a Deathclaw, a fire gecko and a disease that rotted flesh at a rate of 1 metre per second when I was only five years old, � in my dreams. I can�t wait� to� to go sleep tonight mama. We� we� we� (very loud crying) we... got lots to talk about.
The evil audience give a standing ovation. There is not a dry eye in the house.
CUT TO:
Some demented looking teenagers with a sign above them saying �Best Support Group Nomination � Pyromaniacs Anonymous� beginning to cry as well.
CUT TO:
The StGFC Gang walking off stage while shaking their heads at Gauss and waving to the applauding audience.
CUT TO:
President Tandi sitting down, with no tears in her eyes, looking sternly in the direction of the StGFC Gang.
President Tandi: Hmm� are they our ally or our enemy?
Advisor: What about adopting a neutral stance?
President Tandi: Neutral is for the neutered, Simpkins!
2) After Show Party.
The gang walks around speaking to various fascists. First, we zoom in on Stapes speaking angrily to Sissy.
Sissy: Don�t give me a lecture, Reginald.
Stapes: Stop calling me Reginald! I�ve changed my name.
Sissy: To what?
Stapes: Stapes.
Sissy: Sorry, sorry � our surname is Stapes.
Stapes: I know. I just like �Stapes� on its own. I�m like one of those Brazilian soccer players like Ronaldo, Rivaldo, Juninho or Bob!
Sissy: You�ve got some unresolved issues bro.
Stapes: I think we�re getting distracted from your present near-nudeness here! How can you do this work? I find it degrading to women.
Sissy: Oh my god! I�m leaving.
Sissy walks away.
Stapes: (calls after her) Yeah! Piss off� em� whore! Get some bloody clothes on! You�ll catch your chill! What you do degrades women and it sickens me!
Sissy leaves the room. Past walks over to Stapes.
Past: Hey Stapes, after this party do you want to go to the strip club? They�re naked in cages getting sprayed with foam!
Stapes: Wahey! Sounds great!
We zoom in on Scotty, talking to a dominatrix woman.
Scotty: Your work must be so interesting.
Dominatrix: No. Once you�ve eaten one penis, you�ve eaten them all.
Scotty: �Okay! � You should really meet Pip, he enjoys the more violent aspects of sex as well.
Dominatrix: Oh honey, I�ve met Pip.
Scotty: �Met� Pip? I take it you did more than meet? I take it you whipped his arse so much it was redder than a Man United football top!
Dominatrix: No. We have just met. He set up a meeting with someone for me once. I needed the work and Pip has the connections in the industry.
Scotty: Really?
Dominatrix: Oh indeed. Pip has been seen as one of the great pioneers of post-apocalyptic conceptions of sexual relationships.
Scotty: And what conceptions are these?
Dominatrix: I do not wish to quote wrongly from the Hallowed Book of Sexual Adventure.
Scotty: Pip�s wrote a book!?
Pip walks by.
Scotty: Pip, come over here! I hear you�ve written a book.
Pip: (walks over to Scotty) Oh hi there, Dominatrix Debra! � oh dear� Scotty, where�s Rad?
Scotty: In the bathroom, why?
Rad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Rad has left the bathroom and is now staring at Dominatrix Debra.
Dominatrix: Hi Rad.
Rad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!
Rad runs away.
Dominatrix: Aw, that�s a shame. I was his first time as well.
Scotty: Pip, you are evil! How could you do that to Rad, eh?! Set him up with this ugly, ugly, Sado-masochist bitch! He probably lost his virginity with a hot poker up his arse!
Dominatrix: I was just doing my job. Don�t you ever insult me again.
Scotty: Shut it you! Looking at the bulge in your knickers, you�re probably a penis with a woman attached to it!
Dominatrix: Do you dare insult me? Me? Take it back or face the consequences.
Scotty: Shut it you testosterone pump on legs! You hairy penis-woman! You evil, Satanic, total and utter snagglepuss!
Everyone in the room gasps at this last insult, except for Past.
Past: (whispers to Gauss) What the hell does that mean?
Gauss: (whispers to Past) Snagglepuss is the greatest insult in the wasteland! It means �liker of Kevin Costner�!
Past: (whispers to Gauss) He said THAT to her!
Dominatrix: � no-one says that to me, Scotty. No-one says that to me.
Scotty: Why not? What are you gonna do about it, you evil cross-breed of a cow and the World Record Holder for the Greatest Percentage of Body covered in hair?!
Dominatrix: Watch and see.
The dominatrix clicks her fingers and within seconds a dozen very bulky guys approach the gang.
Dominatrix: Consider yourselves my prisoners. Consider yourselves my victims.
3) Outside Hall.
Rad runs out onto the mean streets of Malaria City.
Rad: Aargh! Got to get away from here! Got to get away!
Rad tries to open the door to their car and fails due to his petrified fidgetiness.
Rad: Oh come on! Come on! Got to get out!
Rad walks back three paces and trips over the kerb.
Rad: Aah!
Rad gets back on his feet then runs fast towards the car and aims a kick at the door lock. The door stays locked.
Rad: Oooooowwwwwww! Owwwww!
Rad collapses again holding his leg and rolling along the ground. He gets up again. He then takes off his watch and throws it fast against the window which smashes. He then tries to squeeze through the window.
Rad: Ow! Ooooowww! Broken glass! Bugger it! Must get out of here! Must get out! � What the hell am I running away from again?! � oh yeah! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!
Rad jumps on top of the car and sticks his feet into the car sunroof.
4) After Show Party.
Scotty and the gang back away from the now several dozen bulky men holding machine guns.
Scotty: Okay� we�ll� we�ll just be going. Em� NOW!
Scotty runs away in the direction of the exit with the gang close behind him.
5) Outside Hall.
Rad almost managed to squeeze through the sunroof.
Rad: Ow!
He finally gets his head through and then sits down in the driver�s seat. He starts the engine just as Scotty and the gang emerge from the exit.
Scotty: Wait Rad! Stop!
Rad does not hear them and drives off.
From behind the gang, there is the sound of guns being loaded.
Scotty: Oh bugger!
6) Prison� MONTAGE SEQUENCE.
The StGFC Gang are being walked individually through the prison gates at gunpoint.
Dominatrix Debra: (Voiceover) Welcome to the Malaria City Prisons for the Defiant against the contagious tide of Hatred and Depravity.
CUT TO:
The gang being chucked into a dingy, dark prison cell with at least a dozen over people. It is very overcrowded. There is one man lying down in the corner.
CUT TO:
In a separate room, Scotty getting a number stamped on his forehead. The number is 8007.
CUT TO:
Stapes getting the number stamped on his forehead � 8008.
CUT TO:
A rapid amount of clips showing the entire gang getting numbers imprinted on the foreheads. Except Pip�
CUT TO:
Pip being moved into the same position. Instead of being numbered, he is suddenly hit in the face with a fist and collapses.
Dominatrix Debra: (Voiceover) Your time here will be� shall we say� unpleasant.
CUT TO:
A group of heavily armoured guards dragging Pip back to the overcrowded prison cell where the gang are being kept. There is still a man lying on the floor at the corner. The guards open the door, chuck the almost lifeless body of Pip in and lock it again. They walk away and the gang swarm around Pip.
Pip: Bugger.
Scotty: Are you alright Pip?
Gauss: (sarcastic) Yeah, Scotty. He�s orgasmic for fuck�s sake!
Pip: I�ve been better� wait. Why have you guys not been beaten up?
Scotty: I don�t know.
Gauss: I can guess though.
Pip: Well guess away then.
Gauss: Okay. You guys do realise that Dominatrix Debra is in fact the Evil Overlord over this town?
Pip: What?! Only 2 years ago she was getting paid to pump Rad!
Gauss: It may sound crazy but it�s true. From the knowledge she learned from your savage sex book, Pip, she learned how to please the type of gentleman that Malaria City prominently features. And rumours spread and soon she�s pleasing people high up in government and soon she�s pleasing the former Evil Overlord, Castrating Caligula, and soon she�s the First Mistress and soon she�s got a taste for power and soon Caligula is lying dead and she has moved in to take over.
Pip: How the hell do you know that?
Gauss: They�ve dramatised her rags-to-riches story in film. It�s playing at the nearest multiplex.
Gauss takes out a roll of white paper from his pocket, unrolls it and shows the title �DEBRA� in the same lettering as �Rocky�, and a picture of her in dominatrix clothes, at a building of which a hundred steps lead up to, jumping up and down (�Rocky� again).
Pip: (reads) �The tale of one bitch�s story to live the Malarial Dream�?! Bloody hell! But why �
Gauss: But why does she hate you more than us? Well, in many ways Pip you taught her all she needed to know �
Pip: - I didn�t teach her to kill �
Gauss: - you are her master Pip. You are Obi-Wan to her Anakin. You taught her the tools of the trade and in an evil society where books are banned, not only are you a personal threat to her authority but you are also proof of the free� free-er world outside. So in many ways, you are rather buggered.
Pip: Suppose I am�
Pip looks up at the gang and then looks at Stapes and notices the number �8008� on his forehead.
Pip: Stapes�
Stapes: Yeah, Pip, old buddy?
Pip: Why have you got �boob� on your forehead?!
Stapes: What?!
Scotty: Haha! So he does! Hahaha!
Everyone laughs.
Past: Stapes, you big boob!
Stapes: Ah, bloody Malarial bastards!
The laughter dies down.
Pip: Gonna help me up guys.
They help Pip onto his feet. Pip looks around and then notices the man lying down in the corner.
Pip: Oh no. Don�t tell me we�ve got a deadie.
Man: Not at all, dipshit!
The man gets up to reveal an NCR General�s Green Army Uniform.
Man: The name�s Thor, General Thor. How are you dipshits?
Gauss: General Thor� not the General Thor who performed the Thorgrimmson Manoeuvre on the Mexican Raider Invasion Force!
Thor: The very same, dipshit!
Gauss: What are you doing here? Why haven�t NCR got the war hero out?
Thor: Because while I�m here I am a symbol of the NCR Democracy�s struggle against the Evil Forces of Malaria City� plus they were a bit dipshitted off when they found out for the last twenty years I�d been shagging every young female cadet as part of my battalion�s dipshitting admission requirements!
Gauss: Ah� wait, you can get out of this place. General Thor, you escaped from the Enclave Oil Rig prison. You pioneered bullet time in real-life to somehow avoid getting shot in the Raider Execution Camp! You even used a high-velocity boomerang to destroy the entire Chinese Air Force! You can get us out of this!
Thor: You�re right dipshit! I can do this! We will escape! (shouts) Do you hear me Debra!? DO YOU!? WE WILL ESCAPE THE MALARIAL PRISONS! WE WILL ESCAPE!�
All: YEAAAHHHH!!!
Thor then turns round to Stapes.
Thor: Why the hell have you got �Boob� on your forehead, dipshit?!
7) Prison Cell.
The gang and the other prisoners set cross-legged on the floor, while Thor stands to give a debriefing.
Thor: Well, dipshits, we�ve got a prison to break out of. And it isn�t gonna be easy. We�re gonna need a dipshitful of dipshitting cunning, a dipshitful of dipshitting ruthlessness and a dipshitful of dipshitting determination! Now we can�t stay here for much longer. At the moment, we�re all in premium dipshit. But soon Dominatrix Debra will reach the �time of the month� and she�ll be pissed off, she�ll be angry, she�ll be dipshitting venomous! They�ll be some red-hot dipshit coming out of the oven!
Pip: Why? What�s she gonna do?
Thor: Dipshits, I�ve been in this prison for 6 months now.
Man: 5 and a � .
Thor: Shut up Lieutenant!
Man: Yes, sir� you big bugger!
Thor: Insubordination! You�re punishment is to go and dipshitting spank yourself!
Scotty: Eh, sorry? Lieutenant? You�ve got one of your men in here with you?
Thor: Yes. A premium dipshit of a skinny, geeky lad is this one. Lieutenant Farcanus.
Scotty: Lieutenant Farcanus? That dings a dong!
Gauss: �That rings a bell�, Scotty!
Scotty: We had an Arcanus in our Vault.
Farcanus: Yes, that would be my evil twin, sir.
Scotty: Evil twin? I would hardly call him evil� okay, he stuck that exploding pineapple up Stapes� arse but�
Stapes: Ow! I feel pain just thinking about it!
Scotty: �but not a bad fellow!
Farcanus: No, indeed, not a terribly bad fellow. Evil twin is just a term, which is useless if not used in comparison with another apparently �good� twin. This is because the two twins will always make some sort of radiation-induced transformation to be the opposite of each other.
Scotty: Explain.
Farcanus: Okay, well� say on a scale of 1 to 100, 100 being most good and 1 being good, but not much. I would be 15 say. Now an evil twin just means the opposite of a good twin. On the �bad� scale, Arcanus would be -15. It�s a post-apocalyptic thing.
Scotty: Where is he now?
Farcanus: He�s working here in the kitchens. He�s a chef. Not a particularly evil chef, but his food still tastes like -
Thor: - Stop dipshitting on Farcanus and get on with that spanking!
Farcanus: Arcanus would have enjoyed this!
Thor: NOW!
Farcanus: No!
Thor: What?! How dare you!
Farcanus: I�ve had it with you Thor! NCR might not want to rescue you but I sure as hell shouldn�t have been dragged along with you to this evil prison.
Thor: I�ll get us out.
Farcanus: No, you won�t. And you know it. We�ve both analysed this situation in our heads for 6 months.
Thor: 5 and a �.
Farcanus: Forget that. There�s no way out of here. We aren�t getting out. (under breath) And worst of all, I�ve run out of my treatment.
Thor: What?
Farcanus: Nothing. I just said� we aren�t getting out. That�s all said.
A siren then starts wailing and red lights start flashing around the room.
Dominatrix: It is time. Thor. Farcanus. Now, you will go to the Chair of Fear.
Gauss: The �Chair of Fear�? Not very original is it?
Farcanus: Oh no!
Scotty: What? What is it?
Farcanus: The Chair of Fear is the chair in which you experience fear!
Scotty: I could have guessed that! You really don�t know what the Chair of Fear is do you?
Farcanus: No, but I can tell it isn�t a bundle of laughs!
Thor: When one goes to the Chair of Fear, one doesn�t come back.
A solitary guard comes along holding a machine gun.
Guard: Farcanus. You are charged with� no, sorry that�s not how it works around here. You are charged with bugger all, you are about to get buggered!
Farcanus: For need of a better word� bugger!
The Guard opens the door and Farcanus steps out with hands raised in the air. The Guard locks the door and gestures Farcanus with his gun along the corridor.
Farcanus: Goodbye my friends. Good luck.
Thor raises his arm in salute. Scotty then notices this and elbows the other guys to do the same thing. Farcanus then walks out of view of the cell and there is an opening and closing of doors. We can hear the noise from inside the room.
Dominatrix: Well, Farcanus. Scared?
Farcanus: Scared?
Dominatrix: Yes, scared.
Farcanus: What do you mean I like ping-pong?!
Dominatrix: Excuse me?
Farcanus: Ping-pong is for the Chinese. I�m descendent from Vikings. Our hobbies include killing 7th century English monks!
Dominatrix: Oh very good Farcanus. Changing the subject at random.
Farcanus: Well, once she got the job on Cable TV, she never looked back!
Dominatrix: It�s too late for wit now Farcanus. Minion, place the evil psychedelic light head mask thing on him!
Farcanus: No, get that off me!
Dominatrix: Computer! Activate the procedure!
Computer: Activating evil psychedelic light head mask thing.
Farcanus: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!! No! No!
Computer: Evil psychedelic light head mask thing activated.
Farcanus: Noooo!!! � wait a second. This isn�t so bad! This is great! I�m having sex! Weeeee!!!
FADE TO BLACK:
Prison Cell.
SUBTITLE: 5 minutes later�
Farcanus: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! My worst fear! The Failure of Scientifically and Catholic Church Approved Contraception!
FADE TO BLACK:
9) Prison Cell.
SUBTITLE: 5 minutes later�
Farcanus: AAAAAAHHHH!!! A TEXAN POPE!
FADE TO BLACK:
10) Prison Cell.
SUBTITLE: 5 minutes later�
Farcanus: AAAAHHHH!! AN ARMY OF WEIRDO BARBIE COLLECTING MIDDLE-AGED BACHELOR MALES IN PINK SHIRTS AND WITH BUSHY MOUSTACHES ARE MOLESTING ME! IT�S ALL TOO MUCH! PLEASE STOP! PLEASE! PLEAAASE! NOOO!!! AAHHHHHH!!!
And then suddenly, there was silence.
More silence.
More more silence.
Stapes: Is he dead?
Thor: I don�t know, you booby dipshit!
The guard then begins to walk back to the prison cell.
Thor: Oh dipshit� It�s me now. It�s me. It�s� hmm� I have a plan.
Scotty: What is it?
Thor: Oh yes. A particularly sophisticated plan. A plan to rival some of my greatest military manoeuvres.
Scotty: Yes, but what exactly?
Thor: Shh�
The guard walks up to the cell and opens the door.
Guard: Thor Thorgrimmson.
Thor: Yes.
Guard: Of the clan, McThorgrimmson.
Thor: Yes.
Guard: Of the birthplace, Thorgrimmson City.
Thor: Yes.
Guard: Of the country, Thorgrimmania?
Thor: Yes!
Guard: Of the continent, Thorgrimmerica?
Thor: YES! Let�s get this over with, shall we?
Thor steps out of the door, which the guard promptly goes down to lock. While he is doing this, Thor quickly knees him in the balls.
Guard: Oooo!!
The Guard falls over. He has managed to lock the door before being hit by Thor.
Thor: Why the dipshit didn�t I think of this before?!
Thor then grabs the guard�s gun, runs away in the direction opposite to the �Chair of Fear� and starts firing the machine gun madly into the air.
Thor: Die, dipshits! Brouhahahaha!!!
Scotty: Come back Thor! Come back and get us out!
Thor: Piss off, you gang of booby dipshits!
There is the sound of a door closing.
Scotty: Bugger!
Then we hear the sound of high heels walking down the corridor. However, Dominatrix Debra does not come into view.
Dominatrix: Your time will come. Oh yes, members of the Radiated Society. Your time will come.
Scotty: What about Thor�s time, eh?
Dominatrix: Thor is already sufficiently corrupted by a need to seek hero status and have his place in history as a great man, which he does by being a bastard! You see Scotty; the Chair of Fear doesn�t kill people. It changes them into evil, twisted� or as I would put it� �wholesome� members of Malarial Society. You will all face the horrors of the Chair of Fear. Except Pip�
Pip: Some good news at last!
Dominatrix: Who will be shot!
Pip: Ah�!
11) Outside TRS Vault, Night.
The Chrysalis Highwayman parks outside the vault. Rad gets out. He is tired and staggers slightly on his way to the Vault Door.
12) Inside Vault.
Rad walks along the sleeping quarters and enters his bedroom to sleep.
FADE TO BLACK:
13) Inside Vault.
Rad walks out of his bedroom.
Rad: Oh well. It�s Monday Morning and I�ve got the Vault all to myself. What to do, what to do.
14) Inside Proconsul Meeting Room.
Rad stands at the podium with a pen and the very long scroll of regulations in his hands.
Rad: Any objections, Proconsul Members?
Silence.
Rad: Okay! It is now illegal for Pip to speak to any woman ever again! Now Proconsul, I say we call a vote. All hands for Pip to be castrated!
Silence. Rad raises his hands.
Rad: A close one but motion passes. 1-0 in favour. Pip will be castrated on� let�s see� Valentine�s Day. That sounds suitably ironic! And how about another motion � if anyone should pronounce the country �Ken-ya� as �Keen-ya�, they will be stoned to near death. All hands?
The intercom on the wall then rings. Rad walks over and presses a button.
Rad: Hello?
President Tandi: Good morning. This is Tandi, President of NCR. I would just like to offer my condolences.
Rad: Why? Who�s died?
President Tandi: You are unaware?
Rad: Eh? Are you sure someone�s died? I can�t smell anyone!
President Tandi: In Malaria City� your companions are soon to be subjected to the �Chair of Fear�.
Rad: You what?! The �Chair of Fear�! Oh look out� it�s the three-piece suite of anger!
President Tandi: One of our corporals stationed in secret saw them being captured and named them as prisoners. Soon, they will become transformed into evil people. Except Pip�
Rad: Phew, at least someone�s alright.
President Tandi: Who, according to stolen data, will be shot.
Rad: Ah�! There must be something we can do to get them out.
President Tandi: No. I sincerely doubt that. You could not get them out your own and we cannot risk any conflict with the powerful Malarial army.
Rad: I need to do something. I�m going back to Malarial City.
President Tandi: But that is madness. You�ll be killed for sure.
Rad: Listen, I�m going back. Full stop.
President Tandi: Fine� we have a safe-house in Malaria City. I�ll get our contact to meet you at the Malarial Comedy Club. I will contact you with specific details on your phone�s remote link. But remember this � if they capture you, they will torture you, subject you to the most horrific pain and have an army of weirdo Barbie-collecting middle-aged bachelor males in pink shirts and with bushy moustaches molest you! It is a terrible, terrible place� Anyway, thanks for talkin�!
The conversation on the intercom comes to an end. Rad then stares into the distance with eyes full of rage.
Rad: Dominatrix Debra� you goin� down bitch!
15) Outside Armoury.
Rad walks into the Vault Armoury. The door closes behind him and he re-appears sporting army camouflage, 5 machine guns, thousands of bullets strapped round his shoulders and green paint on his cheeks.
Rad: Yo, bitch!
Rad discharges a very loud shotgun into the air.
Rad: It�s time to diiieeee!!!
Rad begins to walk along the corridor. He starts to struggle with the weight of all his weapons.
Rad: Ow, ow. I suppose I could drop this sub-machine gun.
Rad drops the sub-machine gun. He continues to walk along. He still struggles.
Rad: Oh well. I suppose I could drop this shotgun and all its related ammo.
Rad drops a hundred bullets and then the shotgun itself. He continues to walk along, still struggling.
Rad: Ow! Well, I suppose I could drop this assault knife.
16) Comically Abrupt Scene Change � Outside Vault Door.
Rad walks out of the Vault wearing completely normal clothes and with no weapons. He is still struggling.
Rad: Ow! Oh well, I suppose I could drop this �Jamaica � no problem!� key-ring!
Rad drops the key-ring and then gets into the car and drives away in the direction of Malaria City.
Rad: Time to die, bitch! I�m kick your ass! � with absolutely no weapons� oh dear� Note to Self: Learn Kung Fu!
17) Prison Cell, Morning.
The gang and the other prisoners are trying to sleep. Only Stapes is awake and he is sitting against a protruding brick from the wall. Scotty then gets up.
Scotty: Oh� (yawns) �did you get any sleep Stapes?
Stapes: No. I just couldn�t stop thinking about my sister.
Scotty: Don�t blame you!
Stapes: Scotty! I�m being serious here.
Scotty: Sorry Stapes. Please go on.
Stapes: What if we don�t get out of here, eh? The last thing I told my sister was that she was a whore. A whore? How could I say that?
Scotty: I know � that was unfair. If I had a body like hers, I�d be showing it off every chance I got!
Stapes: Scotty!
Scotty: Oops, sorry.
Stapes: I just wish I had another chance to say goodbye.
Scotty: Oh Stapes, lets leave the gooey clich�d melodrama to American made-for-TV films called Most Vertical Primate, in which a lovable chimpanzee becomes the star of a school basketball team and becomes a bullied boy�s best friend but sadly in the end has to return to the jungle, eh?!
Stapes: Yeah sorry. You know what I mean, though?
Scotty: Yeah, I know what you mean. I would just have said it with an element of dignity!
Stapes: �We�re terminally buggered aren�t we Scotty?
Scotty: Yep. As buggered as a person who is subject to a bugger can be!
There is then an announcement on the speakers.
Dominatrix Debra: All prisoners are to report to the Exercise Yard for exercise�
Pip: Damn it. It�s too bloody early in the morning.
Dominatrix Debra: Except for Pip..
Pip: Yeah!
Dominatrix Debra: Who will report to my chambers for punishment!
Pip: Ah�!
1 Prison Exercise Yard, Morning.
The gang is out in the exercise yard. On the megaphone, the prison speakers are broadcasting the audio feed from inside Debra�s chambers.
Pip: (on speakers) Stop! Mary, mother of God! Stop the pain! Get that poker away from me!
The gang wince at the sound of Pip�s pleas for help.
Pip: (on speakers) Why are you doing this?
Dominatrix Debra: (on speakers) Because I�m Number One now, not you.
Pip: (on speakers) You know what I say to that?
Dominatrix Debra: (on speakers) What?
Pip: (on speakers) Piss off Number One! Aargh!
They wince again at the shouts.
Scotty: That�s it! We�ve got to get out of here.
Stapes: We don�t stand a chance, Scotty.
Scotty: There must be some way.
Gauss: Scotty � permission to ponder this problem?
Scotty: Ponder problem permission granted!
Gauss: Good. Now first of all, we have one advantage over Dominatrix Debra.
Scotty: Which is?
Gauss: I�m smarter than her! Now, from my limited knowledge of this place, I have learned that one can challenge the Overlord of Malaria City to some sort of duel, the winner taking over.
Scotty: Is it a fight to the death?
Gauss: Not anymore. At least I don�t think so. The fight seems to be almost sexual in nature. I do not understand its details, but in response to the Pip doctrine influence, Dominatrix Debra probably modified it accordingly.
Scotty: So you�re saying that we should challenge Dominatrix Debra to some sort of evil sexual showdown?
Gauss: I think so.
Scotty: Who should fight her?
Gauss: Well one person does spring to mind.
Pip: (on speakers) ARGH! MY SOLAR PLEXUS!
19) Prison Cell.
A group of heavily armoured guards dragging Pip back to the overcrowded prison cell where the gang are being kept. The guards open the door, chuck the almost lifeless body of Pip in and lock it again. They walk away and the gang swarm around Pip.
Pip: Bugger.
Scotty: Are you alright Pip?
Gauss: I think he looks fine. (winks at the others) He looks like he could have an evil sexual duel with anyone! (winks)
Pip: Eh?!
Gauss: Nothing! Now come on, let�s get you up.
The gang pull Pip to his feet.
Pip: I�m sore all over.
Gauss: That�s generally your idea of a good night�s work!
Pip: True.
Gauss: Now Pip, I have formulated a plan to escape this evil prison.
Pip: Really? What?
Gauss: I�ll tell you shall I?
FADE TO BLACK:
The colour returns.
Pip: So, who should take her on? I�m in too bad shape to help.
Gauss: Em� yes! Now, I agree. None of us could take her on�
Pip: Good. I�ve been through enough pain already.
Gauss: �except for you Pip�
Pip: Oh.
Gauss: �who will be sacrificed!
Pip: Ah�! No, no, no! Wait a den-weed-picking minute here! Why me?
Gauss: I�ve gone over it in my head Pip, and with your supremely savage sexual knowledge, you are the only appropriate candidate.
Pip: Shit seems to be happening an awful lot to me at the moment!
