Episode One
Written by Rad
Scene � Stapes� Room. Sunday Night.
Stapes sits at his desk, elbow on table and hand on head, looking tired as he scribbles a calculation onto his form. He sighs and drinks from his bottle of Miller Genuine Draft. Scotty then walks in smiling, with a huge pile of paperwork for him.
Scotty: Stapes. I�ve got something I need you to do.
Stapes: What is it now? Can�t you see I�m bushier than Groucho Marx�s moustache?
Scotty: I think the word you are looking for is �busier�.
Stapes: The insomnia created by my job is starting to get at me.
Scotty then drops the paperwork onto Stapes� desk.
Scotty: I�m sorry you feel overworked Stapes, but we all have to do our bit.
Stapes: No we don�t! This is only optional. I demand gratitude!
Scotty: We are a non-profit organization helping out these people by allowing them a place to live, eat and make sweet love for only a tiny amount of rent, for which our services can be funded.
Stapes snorts.
Stapes: Non-profit organization? We don�t buy anything. I repeat - we have no expenses. All the food is just there in the storage levels, the electricity keeps on reproducing itself and we don�t hire prostitutes. So you tell me how we don�t make any money.
Scotty: I save it up for a rainy day.
Stapes: Rainy day?! This is the wasteland. Sun � all the time!
Scotty: I meant figuratively. But, point taken. I promise to spend the money we make from this paperwork.
Stapes: What is it?
Scotty: It�s a Vault Re-Registration thing. Some kind of huge wasteland census is being conducted by NCR. We get 1000 dollars for taking part.
Stapes: You better spend it on something good. I�m not wasting my time for a rainy day that isn�t gonna happen.
Scotty: A new Pool Table?
Stapes: Nah. Something nice. You know, like a few holodisk-encoded movies.
Scotty: I�ll put a vote on it. If you promise one thing - Don�t screw the form up.
Stapes: I�ll do it right. There is no try.
Scotty: Only in computer games.
Stapes: Of course! Computer Games! Virtual Reality head sets!
Scotty: I�ll think about it. Goodnight.
Scotty waves and walks out the room, leaving Stapes to rhythmically beat his head off the desk.
Scene � Proconsul Meeting Room. Monday Morning.
Scotty is at the podium, preparing to address the Proconsul Members. At the long couch in front of him are Pip the sergeant, Rad the scribe, Gauss the designer and Slurry the Senior Council Member. But as of yet, Stapes has not arrived. In protest at this, Rad stands up to speak.
Rad: (shouts) Start for goodness sake! I�ve been waiting here for three whole minutes!
Pip: I second that motion.
Gauss: I third it.
Slurry: Relax guys. Scotty, give Stapes a call on the intercom.
Scotty: That�s not my job! It�s on the charter. See, it�s Rad�s job.
Rad: Why is it my job? I�m the Head Scribe for goodness sake. I just write things.
Scotty: Exactly.
Scotty holds up the scroll of rules and begins to read.
Scotty: �In the event of a member being absent unauthorised, the Head Scribe shall write and send the telegram to this member�s room requesting his appearance, or send closest form of possible communication and��
Scotty tails off as he reads something then places the scroll down.
Rad: And?
Scotty: And what?
Rad: You were going to say something there. What?
Scotty: Just some meaningless, ancient rule.
Rad: What is it?
Scotty: Nothing!
Rad runs up and has to wrestle the scroll from Scotty�s hand.
Rad: Let�s see now. �and� then whip the latecomer in the behind the same number of times as the number of seconds he has been late!� Brilliant! Where�s my whip?
Scotty: Don�t be stupid!
Slurry: Relax guys. Rad, although I don�t want to dwell on the sexual innuendo of the whip, I think that you would have to whip yourself 360 times for your late appearance last week.
Rad pauses, thinks, scratches his chin and nods.
Rad: Cheers Slurry. Right, I�ll phone him.
Scene � Stapes� Room. Monday Morning.
In Stapes� room the phone is ringing, but since Stapes isn�t here, no-one is picking it up.
Scene � Outside Proconsul Meeting Room. Monday Morning.
Stapes, looking more tired than last night, comes flying down the corridor to the Proconsul and sees Andrew and Phox, the two executive consultants (the ones that take over should Scotty take a leave of absence), listening in through the door.
Andrew: Hello Stapes.
Stapes: Have they started yet?
Phox: Yep. Stapes, you look like shit.
Stapes: I feel shit.
Phox and Andrew laugh uncontrollably at this.
Andrew: You better change your panties then Stapes!
Stapes: Oh, grow up!
Phox then retrieves a hand-held tape recorder from his pocket.
Phox: I can�t wait to put that bit on the computer. Your head on a baby�s body Stapes � (plays Stapes� track) �I feel shit�!
Phox and Andrew laugh again. Then Stapes then leans into them, eyes menacing.
Stapes: Listen here you weirdo�s! You may be executive consultants, but I promise to contract Ebola if it will stop Scotty from having to take a leave of absence. I will never let you guys be Overseer. Never!
Stapes opens the door and enters the Proconsul Meeting Room.
Phox: One day, I will rule this vault.
Andrew: Until then, keep the tape recorder on the door Phox! We need to know what�s happening.
Scene � Proconsul Meeting Room. Monday Morning.
Stapes rushes in and onto the couch.
Scotty: You�re late Stapes.
Stapes: Yeah, and it�s your fault!
Scotty: How is it my fault?
Stapes: Because that Re-Registration form wanted me to list everything. It�s mad! Every single person�s personality, DNA, date of birth, weight. It would have been easy if I could have uploaded the info from the Vault Archive, but for some reason the form wouldn�t accept that Rad was male! It kept on rubbing it out when I wrote it in.
Rad is stunned by this. Everyone else thinks Stapes is drunk.
Rad: You what! What are you trying to say?
Stapes: Nothing!
Rad: Where�s my whip!
Slurry: RELAX!
Stapes: Shut up! I am getting sick of this! I am living in a Vault with an Overseer who copies the style of the Japanese General in charge of the Bridge of the River Kwai! I am getting made fun of by two freaks who will go on to run this place when Scotty drinks his last glass of toilet cleaner! I have to listen to an Australian man with so little stress you want to go back in time and do the necessary murdering to put him in an orphanage! AND to top it all off, I am being threatened by violence or sexual depravity by a git that can�t find his whip! Now can we get this shit over and done with�NOW!
Silence.
Scotty: (shocked) Well. Well, well, well. Well I never! I never! Stapes! So what! Are you saying Pip and Gauss are perfect is that it! Eh? And what about yourself, you ugly bastard!
Slurry: (angry) WOULD YOU ALL FUCKING RELAX!
Scotty: Let�s get this damn thing over with! Okay, do we want to let Arcanus back in? Hands?
No one raises their hands.
Scotty: Okay, Arcanus will remain banned.
Gauss: Wait a second! You didn�t say what to put our hands up for! Such as �yes� or �no�.
Scotty: Okay, all for NO.
Everyone except Gauss raises their hands.
Scotty: Okay, and YES.
No-one raises their hands.
Scotty: (angry) GAUSS! WHY DIDN�T YOU VOTE!
Gauss: I couldn�t be arsed.
Scotty: Damn you!
Gauss: No. Damn you, I insist.
Scotty: Forget it!
Pip is trying to keep the giggles in, rather unsuccessfully. Rad elbows him gently.
Rad: (whispers to Pip) Don�t! When someone else laughs I laugh as well!
Pip: (whispers to Rad) Really?
Rad: (whispers to Pip) Yeah.
Scotty continues his speech.
Scotty: Well after what I believe is the successful completion of the NCR Census forms that Stapes has filled in, we now have 1000 dollars to spend. Any ideas?
Rad: A dog.
Scotty: You what!
Rad: You don�t like dogs?
Scotty: No! I do not! They can lick woman�s legs and the owner gets the blame! But when I did it at fifteen, did my father get the blame? NO!
Rad: You aren�t gonna find any good points in anything we say are you?
Scotty: Absolutely not. Which is why we should move on to department speeches. Pip?
Pip walked up to and stood on the podium, while Scotty took his place on the couch.
Pip: Nothing to report.
Scotty: (sighing) Fine. Gauss?
Gauss and Pip swapped places.
Gauss: Nothing new has happened this week guys.
Scotty: (tutting) Oh dear. Before you get up Slurry � do you have anything to say?
Slurry: No.
Scotty: Dear goodness. Stapes?
Rad: Wait a second! It�s my turn now!
Scotty: (shocked) You have news!
Rad: Yeah!
Rad and Gauss swapped places.
Rad: This week I got a novel in!
Monumental Applause ensues! Everyone stands up except Pip, who is smiling and winking at Rad. Rad is suspicious of this, but continues.
Rad: Yeah. It�s a �
Before Rad could finish his sentence, Pip started to laugh.
Rad: It�s a � heh heh.
Pip continued to laugh.
Rad: Heh! Hehe! It�s a� HAHAHA!
Rad collapses on he floor, giggling insanely and rolling about, eyes shut extremely tight, face completely red.
Rad: HAHAHAHA! IT�S� IT�S� HAHAHAHA!
Scene � Proconsul Meeting Room. Monday Morning.
SUBTITLE: 3 minutes later�
Rad: HAHAHA!
Suddenly Rad regains control of his senses. He gets up and as he does he keeps rubbing his eyes and saying �Oh�.
Rad: (amnesia-afflicted) Oh� oh� What�s going on?
Scotty: Pip just tricked you into laughing like a giddy schoolgirl.
Rad: Can I go now?
Scotty: What about the novel?
Rad: Oh yeah. It turns out it was a Gideon�s Bible with the word God changed to Michael Jackson.
Scotty: JUST SIT DOWN! Stapes?
Rad: �On the Sixth Day, God created man. On the Seventh Day, God changed the shape of man�s nose��
Scotty: Rad!
Stapes and Rad swapped places.
Stapes: I�ve completed my report on the material of toilet seats relating to the comfort tests of comfort, texture and temperature, and have come to the conclusion that for consistent levels of temperature and comfort, wood is better than metal. Also, I have e-mailed the finished copy of the Census forms to NCR. I have a copy of it still on file which I can show you�now.
After Stapes pressed a few buttons, the plasma screen lit up with a picture of page one of the forms.
Stapes: As you can see, no mistakes.
Rad: I�m 21, not 12!
Scotty: Wait a second! We don�t have a parrot!
Stapes: (infuriated) NO!
Scotty: For goodness sake Stapes! This is a basic task of your position. Can you not at least try harder?
Stapes: I was up all night!
Scotty: (shakes head) Oh dear�
Stapes: I am sick of this crap! We�ve all spoken now anyway. This meeting is officially over. I�m going back to bed.
Scene � Slurry�s Bar. Monday Near Lunchtime.
Slurry is wiping a glass while Gauss sits silently reading a newsletter from New Reno.
Slurry: Did you enjoy the meeting?
Gauss: Hell no.
Slurry: Why not? You were the only one Stapes didn�t insult. Well, apart from Pip anyway.
Gauss: Yeah I know. Now I just feel neglected.
Slurry: Take another drink for goodness sake. It�s not good to get depressed so early on in the day. Wait until you�ve realised the day�s a waste� about 3:25 pm always does it for me.
Gauss: I�m just getting bored of this place again. Do you fancy taking a trip into New Reno? We haven�t done it in a month.
Slurry: No way am I going back there again with you guys.
Gauss: Okay, I admit, last time wasn�t that good�
Slurry: We spent the entire three days looking for Rad!
Gauss: Yeah�
Slurry: It would be alright if he was actually missing. Turned out he never left the car!
Gauss: It�s always the one place you never think of looking.
Slurry: Like true love. I never realised it would come in bottles.
Gauss: Stop drinking for goodness sake. It�s not good to drink heavily so early on in the day. Wait until you�ve realised the day�s a waste� about lunchtime does it for me.
Slurry: It is lunchtime.
Gauss: Get us a drink will you?
Slurry opens a small fridge freezer and gives Gauss a rotgut from it.
Gauss: Cheers.
Slurry: That reminds me. I�ve just heated up a few Scotch pies.
Gauss: Not again! I accept Rad is the Head Scribe, but there should be no rule saying he has to write the menus!
Past (Pastmaster) walks into the bar.
Past: Anything to eat?
Gauss: You can have my scotch pie. I don�t want it.
Past: What�s wrong with it?
Gauss: Nothing. It�s lovely in its own chunk of meat in pastry way.
Past: I�ll pass. I could go for soup though.
Slurry: It�s homemade soup though. Made by Boboj � that�s the only thing he does around here.
Past: What kind of soup is it?
Slurry: It�s kind of yellow with big lumpy bits.
Past: What does it taste like?
Slurry: I don�t know. And it doesn�t smell like anything either.
Past: No smell? It�s hardly food then is it.
Slurry: If something smells bad, you don�t eat it. That�s what your human body is saying to you. Hence, the French are a completely new species. And since the body�s instincts are powerless in deciding whether or not to eat this, we might as well pretend it never existed.
Past: What�s the next food storage level like then?
Slurry: Microwave meals. They only take a minute to make, but pasta tends to taste like rubber.
Past: Anything�s better than yellow with big lumpy bits soup. When do we get at it?
Slurry: Two weeks.
Past: Two weeks! Scotch pies and weird soup for two weeks!
Slurry: You can have some bar peanuts if you want!
Past: Forget it. I�m going to try and forget I�m starving.
Slurry: I wouldn�t bet on you being successful.
Past leaves and when he opens the door, Rad walks in.
Rad: Past.
Past: Rad.
Rad jumps onto a bar stool.
Gauss: Scotch Pie?
Rad: (happy) Definitely.
Scene � Slurry�s Bar. Monday Evening.
SUBTITLE: 6 hours later�
Slurry returns from the bar toilet and then continues to wipe glasses with the same white cloth. Gauss is reading a book while Rad is now asleep.
Slurry: Good book is it?
Gauss: Yeah.
Slurry: What is it?
Gauss: The Oxford English Dictionary.
Slurry: What are you reading that for?
Gauss: It�s really interesting. There are so many different words to make jokes out of, so many songs to write, so many swear words to utilise in the course of conversation!
Slurry: (uninterested) Really?
Gauss: Oh yeah. It�s a whole new world where no one can tell us no, or where to go, or say we�re only dreaming.
Slurry: Don�t get all Disney on me.
Gauss: (afraid) I better put this down.
Gauss does so and just after he does the entire vault except Stapes and Past comes in to the bar � this is Boboj, Andrew, Phox and Scotty. Rad remains asleep. Scotty approaches the bar.
Scotty: MGD�s all round then lads!
Andrew, Phox and Boboj: (enthusiastic) YES!
Scotty: Gauss?
Gauss: (uninterested) Sure, why not.
Scotty: What about Rad?
Slurry: He�s sleeping for his shift. Ever since we voted in the idea of a 24 hour bar he�s had to do the other 12 hour shift while I�m asleep.
Scotty: Doesn�t he do the Head Scribe stuff?
Slurry: He doesn�t do any Head Scribe stuff. And when we find a bar manager replacement for him, he won�t do anything at all.
Scotty: Oh well� Drink up lads!
Scotty takes one huge gulp of his Miller Genuine Draft then breaths an incredibly self-satisfied breath and wipes his lips with his hands.
Slurry: Did you accomplish anything today then Scotty?
Scotty: Just making sure we�re ready to open the next storage level. Remember to pre-order a new toothbrush soon or you�ll be left empty-handed.
Gauss: (sarcastic) The devil you say!
Slurry: (laughs) Agreed! Perish the thought, Scotty!
Scotty: What about you guys then? Did you do anything today?
Slurry: Just working the bar�
Gauss: I read things. I like reading.
Scotty: Yes, well, coming to that Gauss. I�m afraid you will have to cancel your subscription to the New Reno Newsletter.
Gauss: (unhappy) How come?
Scotty: I can�t take the risk of a New Reno family following the delivery man and then taking over the vault.
Gauss: I can.
Scotty: Don�t be so selfish.
Gauss: That newsletter was the one bit of happiness I had. All the news about things about people getting massacred made me realise how lucky I was to be stuck with a bunch of men in a hole in the ground!
Scotty: I�m sorry.
Gauss: I�m really pissed off now!
Scotty: Sorry.
Gauss: I� I�m going to bed. Right now.
Gauss leaves with a tragic walk.
Slurry: (sarcastic) Well done Scotty.
Scotty: What?
Slurry: You�ve destroyed the natural equilibrium of the bar room. I�m going to have to ask you to leave.
Scotty: (amazed) YOU WHAT!
Slurry: (serious) Go on! Get out of my pub! Go on, get out of it!
Scotty: Idiot!
Scotty leaves and slams the door behind him. Slurry then looks down at his yellow and lumpy bits soup. One of the containers is missing.
Slurry: What the?
Scene � Slurry�s Bar. Monday Night: 9pm.
The bar is empty now except for the still sleeping Rad and the barman, Slurry. Slurry walks over to Rad and pats him solidly on the back.
Slurry: Rad, wake up buddy.
Rad groans.
Slurry: Come on, up you get.
Rad: Gonna get me a drink Slurry. (groans)
Slurry: Sure thing, mate.
Rad moves his head up and looks around. Slurry puts a rotgut on the bar.
Rad: Cheers. It�s a bit quiet for 9 pm isn�t it?
Slurry: Yeah. I cleaned the place out for you. This should make it an easy shift.
Rad: You�re a real gent Slurry.
Slurry: Don�t I know it. Enjoy yourself.
Rad: I�ll try.
Slurry: Bye.
Slurry puts on his jacket and then leaves the bar.
Rad: Bye. Just me and the only music album is Olivia Newton John. Damn!
Rad walks around the bar and then decides to go back to sleep again.
Scene � Slurry�s Bar. VERY EARLY Tuesday Morning: 2 am.
Rad is slumped on a barstool, bored out of his mind. He is yet to have a SINGLE customer.
Rad: This is pointless!
Rad gets the keys from the bar, puts on his jacket, but when he opens the door to leave, Stapes goes to walk in.
Stapes: Going somewhere Rad?
Rad: Doesn�t seem like it.
Stapes: Miller Genuine Draft please.
Rad reluctantly walked to the bar and fetched a bottle of MGD from the small fridge. Then he handed it to Stapes.
Rad: Still working hard then Stapes?
Stapes: Yeah. Some guy called Draconius Galactica wants to come here. As soon as I heard the name I thought he was joking� turns out it�s his real name. Seems I offended the poor fella.
Rad: Where�s he from then?
Stapes: New Reno. Seemed like a decent enough chap really. In return for being able to use the medical facilities here, we could use his sizable flat as a sort of safehouse.
Rad: So he�s rich then?
Stapes: Yep. Most wasteland doctors are. Especially ones from Reno - they live off the mob�s wounded.
Rad: God, I miss New Reno. I�ve spent the entire day sleeping in this pub.
Stapes: You need to get out more.
Rad: I know. As soon as we get another barman for the 24 hour bar I�ll be outside again, pretending to write a novel.
Stapes: Sorry about voting YES on the 24-hour bar.
Rad: Don�t worry about it � so did I. Seemed like a great idea at the time you know.
Stapes: Am I your first customer?
Rad: I�ve never had a customer as late as this I can tell you that. I had Pip come in at midnight once and stay for an hour and a bit� coming to that, where is Pip anyway? I haven�t seen him since the meeting.
Stapes: He�s got a girlfriend.
Rad: Got a girlfriend? Girlfriend? Pip? When? Where? Who? HOW!?
Stapes: She�s called Francesca. I wouldn�t be too jealous, she�s got more muscles on her than Mike Tyson. She�s the bouncer outside the Black Spot Bar in Dirt Haven.
Rad: Still, I can�t help but envy him.
Stapes: Yeah I know what you mean. I haven�t had a date since I left the dating agency.
Rad: You were at a dating agency?
Stapes: Oh yeah. Met a couple of nice women there. Most of them turned out to be men.
Rad: (shocked) WHAT!
Stapes: Yeah I know. When I got the same guy called Steve wearing a different coloured wig for the sixth consecutive time I cancelled my membership!
Rad: Was Steve your last date?
Stapes: (anxious) Don�t say that! What if someone walks in just as you say I went out with someone called Steve?
Rad: It�s never gonna happen!
Stapes: It�s happened to me before. Someone walked in when I was talking to Scotty about the time I lit a firework and then tripped over a petrol can sending it into the firework and then a few things happened, resulting in setting fire to my clothes which I then managed to scramble off� and then I was completely naked but completely healthy, but my mum wouldn�t take the risk that I might have been burnt and shoved me still completely naked into this pool and asked her friend�s teenage daughter to come and help her scrub me down, and she went right for my groin�
From the direction of the door, someone laughed. Rad and Stapes, who had already heard this laugh today, knew it was Pip.
Stapes: (resigned to embarrassment) See what I mean?
Rad: Yeah.
Stapes: So what was your last date?
Rad is silent.
Stapes: You what! You mean you�ve never been on a date! Rad Wasteland, the guy with a name befitting a post-apocalyptic James Bond, has never been on a date!
Pip: (from outside the door): HAHA!
Rad slaps his face.
Stapes: What�s the story?
Rad: I was brought up in Klamath. It�s a kind of merchant town. Well since there was a bathhouse nearby where prostitutes bathed people, my mom never really let me out the house. I never really got that many friends my age and by the time I was 16, I just wanted to leave. So I set out to explore the wasteland and got a job on a caravan� and a few months later, I ended up here. And so, here I�ve been.
Stapes: But you have� you know�
Rad: Yeah. I didn�t really have a choice in the matter. Pip bought this strange whip-wielding dominatrix woman for my birthday on a one night stand thing� I think wanting to whip you at the meeting had something to do with it. I wanted some kind of revenge for myself for that night.
Stapes: That�s fucking tragic shit you�ve got there.
Rad: (shrugs shoulders) Not really.
Stapes: I promise you, next time we�re in Reno, I�ll get you a date.
Rad: And I�ll get you one too.
Stapes: We�re getting a bit ahead of ourselves. There�s no way we�ll ever get back to New Reno if Scotty has his way.
Rad: Overworking you has he?
Stapes: Hell yeah. I�ve just finished work just before I came down here. It would be alright if he did something.
Rad: Come on, he works hard too.
Stapes: Okay, but does his work ever make any slightest noticeable difference?
Rad: Em�no.
Stapes: See! I tell you, one more bit of unjustified criticism will drive me over the edge!
Rad: He�s new to this Overseer business. Give the man some time to re-analyse his expectations of us.
Stapes: (not listening to Rad) One more bit of criticism�
Scene � Outside the Vault. 6:30am Tuesday Morning
A group of people in white clothing approach the vault. They look vaguely like scientists. Victor is the leader.
Victor: Here we go. What wonders lie inside?
Victor walks over to the vault door and spoke into the intercom.
Victor: Hello?
Silence.
Victor: Hello?
Pip: Hello.
Victor: Who is this?
Pip: Francesca! Gonna get off me! I�m trying to do my job!
Francesca: I had another �job� in mind!
Victor: Hello?
Pip: Yeah, you said that Mr�
Victor: Mr. Victor Smith.
Francesca: Love me Pip!
Pip: I suppose I could do both �jobs� at the same time!
Francesca: That�s my boy!
Pip: Wrong! That�s your tiger! Rawr! (tiger noise)
Victor: Hello?
Pip: That is the fourth time you�ve said that.
Francesca: Oh Pip!
Pip: Oh Francesca!
Victor: I need to speak with your Overseer.
Pip: Fran�CHES� CA!
Francesca: P�I�P!
Victor: Would you just let me in!
Pip: AAHHHH!
Francesca: AH!...AH!...AH!...
Victor: Let me in!
Pip: You could have just asked!
The door opened and Victor and his other white-suited colleagues walked in to the vault. As they walked in, they found Scotty walking around naked.
Victor: Hello?
Scotty: Aargh!
Scotty covered himself up with his hands.
Scotty: Who the hell are you?
Victor: Dr. Victor Smith. Are you the Overseer?
Scotty: Yes!
Victor: Here is your 1000 dollars. Now please leave the premises!
Scotty: It never said that in the Census contract!
Victor: I think you�ll find according to the �Conservation of Endangered Species� tickbox, which you ticked, you must leave.
Scotty: What endangered species?
Victor: It seems you have the last surviving parrot in the wasteland.
Scotty: Oh my God. I will kill Stapes for this! I will kill him!
Scotty arm�s were up in the air in rage, but then quickly fell back down to his privates when he realised he was in the nude.
Scotty: You can�t make us leave!
Victor: No. But the NCR Rangers can.
Scotty: This is not the start to the day I was hoping for.
Scotty ran over to the Vault loudspeaker system. The following dialogue was broadcast into every room of the vault.
Scotty: We are leaving the vault! NOW! Get off your asses� NOW! All of you guys up here NOW!
Scene � Slurry�s Bar. Same time as in previous scene�
Stapes and Rad awoke from their sleep. Rad had been lying down on the floor behind the bar and Stapes had been sleeping on the bar.
Scotty: (loudspeaker system) I said NOW! NOW! AND YOU STAPES, YOU NUMSKULL! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS MAYHEM!
Stapes: Huh?
Rad: It�ll be a joke. I�m staying put.
Stapes: Do you really think so?
Rad: Definitely!
Comically Abrupt Scene Change � Highwayman Car 6:45am Tuesday Morning
The entire vault (including Francesca) have squeezed into the car somehow. Tied onto the top of the roof, Slurry is somehow managing to get some sleep. In the front seats, Gauss is being sat on by Stapes, who is driving, while Scotty is sitting on Rad�s knee. In the passenger seats are Boboj, Past, Andrew and Phox all managing to just squeeze in altogether� while in the boot Pip and Francesca continue their lovemaking.
Pip: OH FRANCESCA!
Francesca: OH PIP!
Everyone except Andrew stare forward trying to ignore the endless screams and squeals of pleasure.
Pip: AARGH!
Francesca: AH!...AH!... AARGH!
Andrew is getting turned on. His hand moves subconsciously towards his zip.
Phox: Past, Boboj, grab his hands quickly!
Past and Boboj manage to restrain him.
Scotty: Calm down back there!
Rad: Don�t blame him. If you weren't sitting on top of me, I�d be at it as well.
Scotty: WHAT!
Rad: Don�t make any sudden forward or backward movements!
Scotty: (petrified) YES SIR!
Gauss: Yeah and Stapes � don�t take off your trousers! Who knows what could get in where!
Stapes: (petrified) OKAY! YOUR IN CONTROL!
Francesca: I am the Chosen One and you are the master!
Pip: The Master of LOVE! OH YES! IT�S THE SECOND WAVE! I FEEL NEW GLADATORIAL STRENGTH! AH! AH!
Francesca: YES! YES! YES! YEESSSSS!
Rad: You�re so damn heavy!
Scotty: Well it�s not my fault!
Rad: Whose fault is it then?
Scotty: Em�mine.
Stapes: I�m really sorry about this, Scotty�
Scotty: (irritated) We�ll discuss it when we get to Reno.
Scene � New Reno. 10:30 am�
The guys (except for Pip and Francesca) leave the car. They have completely forgotten Pip and Francesca. Past is grasping his stomach.
Past: I don�t feel so good�
Scotty: Neither do I.
Past: Not like that! I�m getting really bad stomach pains. I feel kind of�weak.
Scotty: I�ll check your temperature, though don�t expect me to be Momma Scotty!
Scotty�s hand touches Past�s forehead.
Scotty: Oh my gosh! With a forehead that hot, you should be dead! Judas Iscariot is probably cooler than that, and he�s in the fiery pits of hell!
Past: I think I�m gonna faint.
Scotty: SHIT! We need a doctor!
Stapes: I know just the guy! Follow me!
They all go off, leaving Slurry still strapped to the roof.
Slurry: HEY!
Boboj: (smiling) Sorry Slurry!
Boboj helps him down.
Slurry: Cheers!
Boboj: Let�s catch up with the others.
Slurry: Wait� I think we�ve forgotten something.
Boboj: I can�t think what.
Slurry: It�s probably nothing. Let�s go!
As they walk off, Pip and Francesca remain inside the car boot.
Pip: Hello? Hello?
Francesca: It�s unsexily sweaty in here Pip!
Pip: Hello?
Jagged Jimmy J, a drug dealer, walks over to the car, having heard the first �Hello?�
Pip: Hello?
Jimmy: Hey.
Pip: Who is this?
Jimmy: Information is power. If you want the power, you have to pay the money!
Pip: Hello?
Jimmy: You�ve already said that. Wait, talking car, I�ve got customers!
Jimmy slowly walks off.
Pip: Hello?
Jimmy: That�s the fourth time you�ve said that!
Pip: (sad) Wah!
Scene � New Reno House Block. 10:35am
The gang (except from you-know-who) have assembled outside the door of an expensive looking house. Stapes and Rad are carrying Past.
Phox: Isn�t it a coincidence that Past has� �past� out!
Andrew: Good one Phox!
Scotty: Quiet!
Scotty knocked on the door.
The door opened and there stood Draconius Galactica.
Draco: Who the hell are you?
Scotty: I am Scotty, the Overseer of a vault. You called us yesterday.
Draco: Yes! To be HUMILIATED!
Stapes stood uneasily at this and Scotty then glared at him.
Scotty: That will be taken care of. I will admit, there is an ulterior motive for me accepting your proposal. My friend is very sick.
Draco: I�ll take a look at him. But I will desire payment.
Scotty put his hand in his pocket and breathed an almost fatherly sigh of relief when he felt the 1000 dollars in it.
Scotty: We should be able to pay you handsomely for your efforts.
Draco: Come in then.
The group walked in and Draco showed them in to his lab. Stapes and Rad moved the unconscious Past onto a hospital-like bed. Immediately a computer beside the bed lit up and printed off a list of statistics.
Draco: Body Temperature is above normal, he�s sweating heavily, he has fainted� this has all the hallmarks of food poisoning!
Slurry: Of course! He must have taken one of Boboj�s soups!
Boboj: HEY!
Slurry: No offence.
Gauss: Yeah. Slurry when you went to the toilet he came in and took one. He said he was hungrier than a Chrysler Car Engine!
Draco: What was in it?
Boboj: Just curry sauce, lumpy potatoes and den-weed and it was meant to be served cold! And it was!
Draco: Excuse me? Den-weed!
Boboj: It�s this weed from the Den!
Draco: I guessed!
Boboj: But it went through customs and was certified as a valid and healthy food product!
Scotty: (evil look in his eye) Oh I see. Can the person who is customs official, please raise their hand?
No one raised their hand.
Scotty: (evil look in his eye) I repeat - Can the person who is customs official, please raise their hand?
Stapes raised his hand reluctantly and looked slightly ashamed.
Scotty: STAPES! YOU ARE FIRED!
Stapes: FINE!
Scotty: FINE!
Stapes stormed off down the stairs.
Scene � New Reno. 10:45 am
A group of men approached Scotty�s car. They were from the Chop Shop.
Guy No.1: I like! I like!
Guy No.2: Sweet wheels man!
Guy No.3: Is the owner about?
Guy No.2: No!
Guy No.1: Let�s go!
Pip: Hello?
Guy No.3: Did you hear something just there?
Guy No.2: Nah!
With a few quick turns of a lock pick into the car door, the door was open and the guys from the Chop Shop drove off to their garage.
Scene � Shark Club. 11:30 am.
The Shark Club was bustling with the sounds of conversations and slot machines. People screamed in happiness and in anger and there was the sound of booing as a terrible comedian tried his best not to �die� on stage. At the bar sat Stapes, sipping a bottle of warm Gamma Gulp Beer and yearning for a cool bottle of MGD. Rad had followed him, and he sat down beside him.
Rad: What have you got there Stapes?
Stapes: (discontented) Gamma Gulp Beer.
Rad: (to barman) A Gamma Gulp Beer please, sir.
The barman delivered the bottle.
Rad: This bottle�s about as cold as the inside of Mount Vesuvius!
Stapes: (uninterested) Good for you.
Rad: Cheer up.
Stapes: I don�t want to cheer up. I like being in bad moods.
Rad: Really?
Stapes: Oh yeah. I make it very hard to get out of them.
Rad: What can get you out of a bad mood then?
Before Stapes could answer, someone called his real name from the back.
Older voice: Reginald!
Younger voice: Reginald!
Stapes turned round and saw his mother (Anna) and his sister (Sissy).
Stapes: (joyful) MUM! SISSY!
Stapes ran over and they all had a huge group hug. Rad looked at then younger woman. She was a babe. Rad then took a huge gulp of his beer and gave a sharp �Oooo!� breath when he looked at Sissy. Nice ass, breasts, face, hair, legs and if she could love Stapes she was a nice person too. Rad just prayed she wasn�t too nice however.
Stapes: (jubilant) Come on, sit down!
Sissy: What�s your friend�s name?
Rad: (To Sissy) I�m yours.
Anna: EXCUSE ME!
Rad: Em! Em� I was looking in the bar mirror, sorry! I am mine after all.
Rad then laughed too loudly.
Anna: Good for you.
Stapes: Rad, this is Anna, my mother, and Sissy, my SISTER.
Rad realised that this was either a benefit or a hindrance, depending on how protective Stapes was.
Stapes: So, what are you doing here?
Anna: I�m remarrying. Your father went away on a 10 year long trip to Europe and he told me to find someone new.
Stapes: Huh?
Anna: I�ve met a man called Vic. I met him in Klamath at his shop, but now he�s decided to start a repair shop here in Reno, and we are gonna move in with him!
Stapes: My gosh! This is a bundle of news!
Anna: I�m sorry about the abruptness of it all Stapes!
Stapes: It�s okay, I�ve calmed down now. But what are you doing in this dump?
Anna: To use the toilets. We�ll be back in the second. Come on Sissy.
Anna and Sissy walked off. Rad watched Sissy�s ass closely and quickly looked away when Stapes looked round at him.
Stapes: (happy) That was a turn up for the books!
Rad: You seem happier now!
Stapes: I feel great!
Rad: That reminds me. Stapes, remember when we agreed we�d both get each other dates when we got to New Reno?
Stapes: Oh yeah! See anyone nice?
Rad: Yes actually.
Stapes: Who?
Rad: Sissy.
Stapes: You what!
Rad: Sure! Why not?
Stapes: She�s my sister for goodness sake!
Rad: Come on! You can trust me! You know I wouldn�t try to control her. The only real female relationship I�ve had is with my mother! And that means I�d show her respect and deep love!
Stapes: It also means you�d make her do all the housework!
Rad: Housework? We�re talking about a date, not getting married! Come on Stapes!
Stapes: You�re too old for her!
Rad: What age is she?
Stapes: 23!
Rad: I�m 21! What is she, some kind of paedophile!?
Stapes: The opposite! You�re too young for her!
Rad: I was too old for her and now I�m too young for her!
Stapes: You�re too gay!
Rad: You�re the one who went out with a guy called Steve six times!
Stapes: You�re too lazy!
Rad: I work 12 hour shifts and you�re the one who gets fired because he does his job so badly!
Finally, Stapes was silent.
Rad: Argument equals Game, Set and Match Rad Wasteland!
Stapes: I still don�t know.
Rad: if you don�t let me go out with her, I�ll tell everyone your real name is Reginald.
Stapes: (frightened) DEAL!
Stapes and Rad shook hands.
Scene � Draco�s Lab. 1pm.
Past was still unconscious, but was on the mend thanks to Draconius� great medical care. Scotty, Slurry and Boboj stare out of the window. Phox and Andrew have gone to get some food out of the car. Gauss is in the toilet.
Scotty: Phox and Andrew are taking their time aren�t they?
Slurry: Sure are. I wonder what could possibly have happened.
Scotty: I hope they haven�t been shot.
Boboj: Nope, here they come.
Phox and Andrew were sprinting towards the house.
Scotty: What�s wrong with them?
Boboj: I don�t know.
A few seconds later, Phox and Andrew walked through the door. They were gasping for breath.
Phox: Scotty! The car�s missing!
Scotty: What do you mean missing?
Andrew: It�s gone!
Scotty: I don�t understand!
Slurry: It�s buggered off!
Scotty: Oh I see! Get down there all of you now! Try and find out where it�s gone. I�ll stay here with Past.
They ran out the door leaving Scotty to shake his head at how bad a day this had turned out to be.
Scene - Shark Club. 1:30 pm.
Stapes and Rad sit impatiently at the bar.
Stapes: 2 and a half hours in the bathroom! What do women do in there?
Rad: Pee.
Stapes: Duh. Wait, how do they take a piss?
Rad: I don�t know. Something do with a urethra.
Stapes: Urethra?
Rad: Yeah Gauss told me in the pub. He saw it in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Stapes: Let�s forget about that. (pointing to man on stage) That guy is the worst comedian I�ve ever seen.
Rad: What�s he called?
Stapes: Sykotik. It says he was the writer of the phenomenally successful Dongo Weener and this is his stand-up debut.
Rad: I wonder why anyone would do stand-up if they could already write their arse off.
Barman: Because he owes the Salvatore�s a lot of money.
Rad: Good reason.
Barman: Can I get you another drink?
Rad: Sure. I just want a Nuka-Cola. Stapes?
Stapes: Rotgut.
The barman, Rad and Stapes exchanged bottles and money.
Then from outside was the sound of gunfire. A gangster with three cronies walked in with Tommy guns and pointed it at the comedian Sykotik.
Gangster: Alright Sykotik! The game�s up. Mr. Salvatore has given you ample time for your repayments and you�ve failed!
Sykotik: BUT!
Gangster: NO! There are no buts in this business kid. See ya later punk!
The gangster pointed his gun at Sykotik. Then Rad stared in amazement as Stapes threw his empty bottle of rotgut at the gangster�s head and knocked him unconscious.
Rad: (amazed) Stapes! That was heroically, amazingly uber-brave thing to do!
Stapes: No. I�m just drunk!
Rad: You never could handle your alcohol!
Sykotik ran over to them.
Sykotik: Thank you SO much!
Rad: Go away! You�re making us a target for the other three guys!
Sykotik: You already are a target!
The three cronies got ready to shoot.
Stapes: FORGET BRAVERY! LET�S BUGGER OFF, LIKE WE�VE NEVER BUGGERED OFF BEFORE!
And to put it quite simply, they did. Stapes, Rad and Sykotik ran through the back door.
Crony 1: Let�s nail the punks!
The three cronies chased after them.
Scene � Draco�s Lab. 1:35 pm.
Scotty still sat vigil over Past�s bed. Suddenly, Past woke up.
Scotty: Welcome back Past.
Past: I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt we were being chased out of New Reno by the mob!
Scotty: Well, dreams go by opposites, so they say. Anyway, how do you feel?
Past: A lot better. It�s just, I�ve never been sick in my life.
Scotty: It comes to us all eventually. You�ve been in the capable hands of Dr. Draco.
Past: Aargh!
Scotty: No, it�s not like that. He isn�t Dracula.
Past: I was worried there. Where is everyone else?
Scotty: Doing things that aren�t going to be beneficial to your recovery I�m afraid.
Past: Oh. Have you ever been sick Scotty?
Scotty: Loads of times. The most recent injury I had was this �hyper-extended� finger. Past: Really?
Scotty: Yeah. I fell down the stairs when I was drunk and my finger sort of� hyper-extended itself!
Past: What does that mean?
Scotty: Well basically�
Suddenly the door opened and Rad, Stapes and Sykotik burst in.
Scotty: Who the devil is that?
Stapes: Sykotik. He�s a �comedian�.
Sykotik: Don�t say comedian like that! I�m a skilled veteran of the comedy circuit!
Stapes: (laughs) Yeah. You�re getting better now!
Rad: Bar the doors! The mob is after us!
Stapes: No time to explain it! Just lock this place down!
Rad: Where are the others?
Scotty: The car got stolen. They are trying to retrieve it.
Draco: The mob is outside my house! Aah!
Scotty: Calm down, shut up and lock up! I�m going to phone them!
Scene � Outside Chop Shop. 1:35 pm.
Slurry, Phox, Andrew and Boboj are looking in with binoculars into the Chop Shop. Suddenly, Slurry�s phone rang.
Slurry: Hello?
Scotty: Where are you?
Slurry: We�ve found the car. It�s in the Chop Shop.
Scotty: You have to get that car. We�ve been surrounded by the Salvatore family. And they have laser guns! It�s a long story. Get that car and we might escape!
Slurry: You got it.
Boboj: Look guys! Pip and Francesca have just stepped out the boot! THEY�RE NAKED!
Scene � Inside Chop Shop. 1:35 pm.
Gunther, the new head of the Chop Shop opened the boot.
Gunther: What the hell is this? Both of you, out now!
Francesca and Pip stepped out completely naked onto the cold floor of the Chop Shop.
Gunther: (enraged) FRANCESCA!
Francesca: (shocked) GUNTHER!
Pip: You know this man!
Francesca: HE�S MY HUSBAND!
Pip: HOLY HELL!
Gunther: I�ll talk to you later, Francesca!
Gunther: NOW! YOU ARE A DIFFERENT STORY! YOU ARE A MAN! AND I HIT MEN!
Gunther picked up a golf club and prepared to hit Pip.
Pip: I need a miracle.
Then the gang flew into the club. Slurry, Gauss, Boboj, Phox and Andrew burst through the door.
Pip: This will do nicely!
Slurry then shot his gun into the air just above Gunther.
Gunther: DUCK!
Slurry: Into the car!
Quickly, the gang squeezed into the car together and sped off through the open door.
Gunther: DAMN!
Scene � Draco�s Lab. 1:35 pm.
The Salvatore family are outside Draco�s House pointing their guns at the windows. This was the time Gauss chose to emerge from the toilet.
Gauss: What�s been happening?
Scotty: Where have you been!
Gauss: I was on the toilet.
Scotty: What were you doing in there?
Gauss: I was reading a newspaper. I like reading.
Scotty: Stay away from the windows. The mob has surrounded us!
Gauss: I go away for a few seconds�
Scotty: Quiet! I�m going to call Slurry again.
Scene � Car. 1:35 pm.
Slurry and the gang are currently speeding away. Boboj and Andrew are annoyed that they have to sit next to the naked Pip.
Boboj: That�s it! Stop the car!
Slurry: What?
Andrew: We are not gonna sit beside this naked chap!
Pip: Come on guys! Do a good deed!
Then Slurry stopped the car.
Slurry: Chuck him back in the boot where he belongs!
Pip: Wait a minute!
Andrew and Boboj then hoisted him into the boot and shut the door.
Pip: Damn the lot of you!
Then Slurry received a call.
Scotty: Hello? Slurry have you got the car?
Slurry: Yes. Scotty I see the Salvatore. I�m gonna drive straight towards them! GET OUT NOW!
Scotty: So be it.
The call ended and the car continued to fly towards the bad guys. Faster and faster and then�
Bad Guy: AARGH! GET OUT OF THE WAY!
Scotty and Co. then jumped through the barred door and jumped into or in Andrew and Phox�s case, ONTO the car. Also with the gang where Draco and Sykotik who had no real choice in the matter.
Slurry: Where do we go Scotty?
Scotty: Home. Where else is there?
Slurry: Let�s go!
The car drove off out of Virgin Street and a few seconds after, the sound of gunfire behind them died away.
Scene � Outside Vault. 5:35 pm.
The gang squeezed off the car and had returned to the vault 11 hours after they had left it and found that it was completely quiet.
Scotty: I wonder what�s happened. Proconsul members, including you Stapes, come with me. The rest of you stay in the car. The NCR Rangers could be ready to shoot at us.
Scotty, Stapes, Rad, Pip, Slurry and Gauss walked cautiously towards the door. Only there was a problem with the door. It was completely broken.
Scotty: What�s happened here?
Then Victor came out.
Victor: What are you doing here? You were told to leave!
Scotty: What�s happened to my door?
Victor: None of your business!
Scotty: Yes it is! This is my vault!
Victor: I�ll get the NCR Rangers here unless you leave.
Stapes: Actually, I think you�ll find that by the destruction of property tickbox, which I ticked, any damage to the property of an NCR-taken vault shall result in the immediate dispersal of conservationists, a cash settlement to the vault owner of $1000 and any extra money needed to repair the damaged property!
Scotty (impressed) Wow! Stapes!
Victor: This isn�t over! Take your damn money!
Stapes: Yeah! Get lost!
The Proconsul watched the white-coated scientists leave the Vault.
Scotty: You came through Stapes! You came through!
Rad: And he saved that comedian�s life!
Stapes: It was nothing, honest.
Scotty: I think you should have your job back.
Stapes: Absolutely.
Scotty and Stapes shook hands on this. Scotty then walked into the Vault.
Stapes: Hey Scotty!
Scotty: Yeah?
Stapes: I quit!
Scotty: You what?
Stapes: I�m resigning because I do it on my own terms. Now according to the vault regulations, if I forfeit my going-away present, I get one favour.
Scotty: This is what you�ve been doing when you should have been working isn�t it!
Stapes: Yep!
Scotty: What�s the favour?
Stapes: I still get into Proconsul Meetings.
Scotty: Done.
They shook hands again.
The remaining people outside in the car went towards the vault, and when they entered it they saw Victor speeding towards them.
Victor: There�s nothing in this contract about damaged property! You lying gits!
They shut the door in Victor�s face.
Stapes: Yeah. But who cares what you think!�PIP GET SOME CLOTHES ON! NOW!
THE END
Copright 2003 Andrew Dowds
