Note: I did not write the Comatose Manifesto, but I did get permission from the author to put it here. The only thing on this page that I wrote is this little thing in italics here.
Update: OK, I can't seem to find the "Page O' Flarket," which is the homepage of the author. I am still searching, and if i ever find it, I'll put the link right here.
The Comatose Manifesto
Okay, I've kinda decided to write something, and I guess I'm gonna start by explaining a bit of some of my weird "philosophy." I'm not sure if it's actually philosophy or what, but I'll call it that for lack of a better word at the time I'm writing this.
So.....
__5__
I might as well start off with my best known weird thingie I made up. A little history: one day my freshman year in high school, I was in math class, and I was a bit bored,so I decided to make up my own system of math. I picked a number completely at random and made it the solution for any problem. For example:
1+1=5��� 99,994-(32*6)=5���� 5*55=5 ����� 1/9999=5
So a little over a year passed, and I began to unleash this insidious math stuff on the unsuspecting public. Actually, I wrote messages here and there about it, until I gained quite a following, if I do say so myself (which I guess I have to, as I'm the one writing this silly thing).
One of the most common responses to first hearing this idea is something like: "5+5=5? How do you figure that?" And I respond: "I don't. 5 is just something to say. Its a lot easier to say "5" than it is to think about whatever the problem is and try to figure it out." � After that, the other person generally reacts with an enlightened "Oh" or maybe "Uhmmmmm..."
It's a slightly more eloquent way of answering the question "Why?" with the answer "Shut up."
After a while, 5 started evolving; taking on a life of its own, almost. One of the first variations on 5 was "If it's not 5, its a taco." I'm not sure but I think it was The Amnesia Avenger (my friend Todd) that first came up with that one. The basic principle of this theory is generally that it sounds really weird to say it to someone who has no idea what you're talking about. Briefly, any number is equal to 5. But, in the case when it isn't a 5,it must be a taco.� Don't try to figure out the logic to it, there isn't any. As I hope you've learned by now, if you try to think about it out logically, it won't make any sense at all, and you'll get so lost. (Which is not to say that being lost isn't one of the main, and intended, side effects of the theory of 5.
Some newer history: several years after first creating this idea, I was introduced to a book that had an enormous impact on me. The Illuminatus! Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea featured a theory of five nearly the same as my own. It was written around twenty years before I (independently) came up with my theory. I'll say no more other than it is required reading for anarchists, surrealists, conspiracy theorists, philosophers, and all sci-fi fans.
__"... more or less blue..."__
Here's a theory I came up with more recently (though still several years ago), and I give you permission to think about this one as much as you want, cuz the more you think about it, the more sense it makes. (Interestingly enough=)I don't remember exactly how or why I came up with this one, but the full quote is "Everything is more or less blue." This means that the color of any object can be described in terms of blue. For example, "Bologna is usually not very blue" or "Two of the walls in my room are painted blue, and the other two are colored not blue." This theory is interesting not only because calling everything blue will get you some attention, but because it also can be expanded.� Fill in the brackets below with any two things:
"[anything] is more or less [anything]"
This works as long as you use some vague phrasing such as "more or less" or "somewhat" or "rather" or "to some degree."� I once read somewhere (I think it was in Reader's Digest) this quote, or one somewhat like it:
"It is better to be vaguely right than precisely wrong."
That is pretty much the point of the "... more or less blue..." theory.
Well, that's more or less the end of my "philosophizing" for now. I hope it either enlightened you or confused the hell out of you. Both at the same time is kinda my goal here, but I, um, I forgot.� Wow, I got through like 3 pages without forgetting what I was talking about, and now I can't finish the flarking conclusion. =) � Oh well, conclusions suck anyway. Just remember, this isn't really about what I think about my messed up ideas, but its about what
these ideas make you think. Well, soon I'll be leaving this bit of the "real" world, and I'll be going back to my own subjective universe, which I guess was what this whole thing was about. Damn, this conclusion is messed. Oh well. � =)
Send this to as many people as you know right now.� If you don't know anybody, make somebody up and send it to them.� Much depends on this. This is not a chain letter.� This chain letter has orbited the earth for several centuries, and has been to the moon five times. Neil Armstrong sent this via e-mail when he landed on the moon, and he came back.� Ronald Warton laughed at Neil Armstrong, and look what it got him.... nothing. You probably don't even know who Robert Warton is, because he was doomed to a life of obscurity and mediocrity by ignoring this warning. If you send this to five people, flying blue tacos will arrive, and you will be happy for the rest of your life.� If you fail to send this to five people, no tacos for you, and everyone you love will leave you for a taco vendor named Paco.� If you send this to more than five people then you've sent it to both five people and less than five, so the flying blue tacos will arrive but they will leave you for taco vendors around the world, which will make everyone happy.
Here's a few neet little quotes I feel like including:
Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A fish.
--read it in an issue of Reader's Digest (I think)
"MMM.... Tacos are just so yummy, I better send this off to the Supreme Court justices!"
--President Clinton
"I wish I'd thought of this first."
--Ronald McDonald
"Tacos are smurfy"
--Papa Smurf
"I threw away this chain letter, and evil cows stole my head!"
--some headless guy
"I never believed in all those 'Get Rich Quick!' programs, but after reading the Comatose Manifesto, I don't care anymore. I just steal people's credit cards and buy tacos with them."
--name withheld without request
"Once you realize that everything is more or less blue, you know all sorts of hidden secrets about both enemies and friends and the nature of the universe. Can you tell me what my lucky numbers are?"
--my Psychic Friend
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