EXPAT JOKES > RACIAL > BRITISH - (Apologies in advance)
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.......
IRISH
SCOTS
WELSH (see Animals)
ENGLISH
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.......
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
One month later on the beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing
any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her
irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."
Three convicts - an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, the Scotsman turned to the Englishman and said, "So pal - whadda bring with yer?"
The Englishman pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Picasso of Prison". Then he asked the Scotsman, "So, my good
man -what did you bring?"
The Scotsman pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The Irish convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and the Englishman asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Irishman pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....................."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Scotsman were on a long train journey. As time passed conversation turned, as it always does, to sex. More time passed and they discussed how to turn women
on.
'Well' said the Englishman, 'I cover my wife's important little places with honey and lick it off, very, very slowly'. It drives my wife into ecstasy every time.
'Me' said the Frenchman 'I tickle my wife in those important little places with a feather. it drives her absolutely wild'.
'Well' says the Scotsman, 'I throw my wife on the bed, shag her senseless, whip my cock out and wipe it on the curtains. it drives her fucking mental'.
AIR LINGUS
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Gerry the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "Bjeesus"
said Paddy "Will you look at how fookin short that runway is".
"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.
"Tis is gonna be one a'the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.
"Roit Gerry. When I give the signal, you put ta engines in reverse" said Paddy
"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
"And ten you put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy
"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
"And ten you stamp on tem brakes as hard as you can'. said Paddy
"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
"And ten you pray to ta Mother Mary with all a'your soul" said Paddy
"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of
tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their
composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry "Tat has gotta be the shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in my whole life". Gerry looked out the side window and replied
"Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too".
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy.
"Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem"
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy.
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a tiger," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."
He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy"
He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks as the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's
sake Murphy, put the Frosties back in the packet."
Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...
The drunk shouts: "Your mom's the best damn lay in town!"
Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.
The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"
Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.
Not two minutes pass when once again he's back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man's ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."
Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
The Major had retired to his lovely house in the country after 25 years service.
A keen gardener, he tended his lawn every day, it was like a billiard table, until he woke up one morning and found lumps of earth all over it.
"Fucking hell", he said to his wife, "we have a mole on my lovely lawn."
He got an Irish gardener , the lawn still kept getting big mounds of earth on it, so he said to the gardener have you found the mole.
"Oh yes", said Patrick, "you don't have to worry any more I took it to the bottom of the garden and buried the fucking thing alive."
Reilly fell in the pub door covered on blood.
"What on earth happed?" asked the barman
"Murphy hit me with a shovel" replied Reilly
"That's definitely not a fair fight" said the barman
"Did you not have anything in your hands to defend yourself?"
"Mrs. Murphy's tits" replied Reilly "But they're no good in a fight"
ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE
A little late but it will allow you all to plan for next year...
St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
Leg 1:
7 a.m. to 9 a.m. Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol
and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following
supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where
you'll probably end up:
1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
1 trauma surgeon
Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink.
Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course
of St.Patrick's Day, you are going to die.
Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a
drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.
Leg 2:
9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost
every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.
Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we
do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine
smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish
Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poser while putting a cigarette out on your neck.
Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
Leg 3:
11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die."
If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts.
Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur.
If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of
food colouring.
Leg 4:
2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as
it really is.
By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish
are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up
and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness
throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.
Leg 5:
The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or
.40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honour is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any
sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. Depending on
your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from
the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to
bail you out. By Following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any
of it.
Seeing his Scots friend stripping the wallpaper in his lounge, the man asked what the new paper would be like. Came the reply, "I'm not decorating, I'm moving!"
What's worn under your kilt? nothin mate, it's all in good working order!
How was copper wire invented? Two Scotsmen were fighting over a penny!
Why is the 50 pence piece shaped as it is? So you can use a spanner to get it out of a Scotsman's hand!
How do you cure a sea sick Scotsman? Hang him over the side of the boat with a 2p piece between his teeth!
Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient and the
chap replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm,
Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace,
As lang's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!"
Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks, "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?" "No," replies the doctor, "It's a burns unit!"
Scousers
The Ferrari F1 team recently fired their whole pit crew to employ some young guys from Liverpool. This sudden move was taken after seeing a Channel 5 documentary about how young Scousers can remove
a car's tyres within 6 seconds without proper equipment.
However, Ferrari soon encountered a problem. The young men not only changed the tyres in 6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the McLaren team.
How do you cook a Scouse omelette?, First steal 3 eggs.
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left
foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial
shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!" Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came to the
station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman .........naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is zis young couple naked 'aving sex."
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to
Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English!"