| Printable Study Guide for "Setting Your Boundaries" eSpirations for 7/31/01 Go to file, print, and select "print pages 1 and 2 only" on your tool bar. Psychologists call it a merged ego; an undifferentiated ego. A person does not establish his/her ego or self because others have invaded that self - they have crossed the boundary. Thus, a person's identity is merged with another and this other person could be anyone. It is a desperate effort to try and BE - to try and be a living self. A young girl desperately wants to belong to the popular group at school. She finally gets asked out by Mr. Popularity. He realizes her desperation to be a part of his circle and puts pressure on her to have sex. She doesn't want to, but yields anyway. She feels shamed and guilty, but she is rewarded, she thinks, by acceptance in to the group that she has looked up to for a long time. Instead of being accepted, she is laughed at and rejected. She merged her ego, her selfhood, with the boy. This resulted in a loss of identity instead of gaining identity. This kind of behavior happens all the time with those who have not established a strong ego or selfhood. Usually, those who have suffered abuse in some form or have been strongly criticized and "put down" in their formative years are the most likely candidates for failing to establish a strong, adequate selfhood. A person with an undifferentiated ego cannot say no and will take on a multitude of tasks to gain acceptance and approval from others. Anything a person in authority asks him/her to do, this person will accept only to find he/she has taken on too much. Stress over not begin able to do all of the tasks tearsthe person asunder and depression sets in over the failure to achieve. A person needs to be strong and secure in who he/she is and does. One way this happens is to set boundaries of what you can and cannot do. "No" needs to become a well-worn word. Others may cajole you, make fun of you, or create guilt and shame to coerce you to sacrifice your selfhood for their needs. Spouses, family members, friends, employers, and even churches use these techniques to accomplish their goals through you leaving you frustrated and depressed when you do something you really don't want to do. The following exercises will help you to establish boundaries in your self-hood. Read Psalms 22:20 and 35:17. What do you think the psalmist meant in using the term "darling." (A) his wife (B) his family (C) his self-hood (D) a loved-one The Psalmist prayed for the LORD to rescue his darling - his self-hood, his ego. Your self-hood may need to be rescued too. Think about a recent time when you accepted a responsibility or did something that you really didn't want to accept or do. Write it out: How did you feel after you said yes? Why did you accept the task? What were you motives in accepting it? (A) to gain acceptance (B) to gain notice (C) to help another person (D) no one else could do this but you (E) other Note: you may choose a combination of answers Were you able to complete the assignment? If yes, how did you feel while you were doing it? (A) happy (B) resentful (C) mad (D) satisfied (E) other Why? Write out other times where you could not establish your boundaries and allowed the gate to open for others to come in and invade your space. (use the back of your paper) Develop a plan of action. How can you establish a strong sense of self-hood? Use this sentence for a starter: There are several ways that I can establish my self-hood. Remember to: (1) establish boundaries (2) say "No" (3) ask why you will do what the other person asks you to do Finally, anticipate a situation that may come up based on a past incident with this person who has invaded your boundaries. Write out the dialogue that you think this person will say to get you to do something you don't want to do, and then establish your boundary. Write your response. Copyright (c) 2001 Rev. Dan White |
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| Click Next to look at specific ways others invade your boundaries. |