swimming in the blog jar
a weblog

11:53 AM + Boy, this sure does make a person sad, huh?

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11:28 AM + I added a journal to my list of likes on my journal page. It's can you see me, a new, anonymous journal, but very likable.

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9:29 AM + The January 22 entry at Scott's website is pretty darned good; go read the article he refers/links to.

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Wednesday, January 23, 2002

4:27 PM + P.S. Would anybody like anything at all on my page that would be more enticing? Images ideas for the journal, extra pages that would be interesting to read? Any of that? I'm all for ideas and advice... I want my page to remain simple, but also intriguing, smart and fun. I'm a weirdo by nature and am often criticized that my weirdness overwhelms the intelligence they only see in my writing. I take this to be an insult. I think my intelligence shines through, it just throws them off that I can also be so goofy.

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4:20 PM + I apologize for being a bad hostess. It's been a day and the weariness of it is starting to hit me. Jon and I had therapy this morning and I let out all my frustrations and sadness and how angry I was at him and how hopeless I felt. I told them all how I hated feeling embarrassed, feeling like an idiot for thinking he felt the same way about me as I did about him, letting him know I wanted to be with him forever... I explained I imagine it as a movie. Somebody can see me acting the way I have, in love and confident and "yes, I'm going to marry him someday" while the entire audience knows Jon doesn't feel that way. I said I felt like running away from it and being bitchy. Crying about my relationship has only made me seem weak to Jon and I get the impression he thinks I'm weak, co-dependant, not independent. I HATE that! I am an incredibly strong person and I know this. I'm also very guarded. Had I known he wanted to still "see" if I was that person for him, I wouldn't have made my emotions more vulnerable by believing we were IT. It's humiliating.

The therapist was very good about the situation and he made me feel better. Jon felt as if I was mad at him for his feelings (which I am, but only because I don't like the feelings, not because I think he can change them or should have told me because really, how do you just say, "I want to see if you're the one"--that's silly). He was about to cry and I couldn't look. It broke my heart.

If I can get over my extreme emotion, if I can learn to be vulnerable while still being myself and if I can learn to recogize Jon's pattern of expression and if he can do the same for me, we'll work. He told us at therapy that he wants to be with me. That if I can work on my negative-centered attention (this isn't what the phrase was; it was something the doctor came up with..."negative" makes me feel resentful and I didn't at all feel resentful when Doctor W was explaining my method of thinking), if all that can work out, Jon said it's very easy for him to picture himself spending the rest of his life with me and that he actually looks forward to that. But the way we communicate with each other now makes me resent him and him resent me because we both are thinking the other is feeling only bad things for the other (make sense?).

Anyway, it all made sense to me, and the doctor had me face Jon and tell him that I didn't blame him for my sadness, but that I was disappointed in them simply because I didn't know. I was caught off guard. I assumed his feelings. But I wasn't sad because of who he is. I was sad at the situation.

I still feel like shit and I told the doctor I'd consider meds, but we were so concentrated on making my tears stop, we never talked about the possibilities.

So that's that.

Oh, and I am trying to re-do my page. I got myself a membership to Diaryland for a year that allows me to use images and what have you. Coolies, huh? I want some cool artwork of a bell jar, but am having a tough time figuring it out. It will be a while before I change it. For now, I just changed colors.

Hmm... I should have made this a journal entry.

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Tuesday, January 22, 2002

4:59 PM + A new entry is posted. Who says wahoo?

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9:38 AM + I got this questionnaire from Cassie's site who got it from Mary's site. It's weird, but I thought it'd be fun to do even if I don't get the questions all of the time. (Snark!) -- See what I mean?

Mary's Incredibly Off-Topic and Quite Short Questionnaire #1

What is your name? Ellie. I like how classy it sounds, but sort of wish I were Roxanne or Sam. I love Sam.

What is your quest? To somehow revert the world to a state of utter nature. Hiking in fantasy-ridden forests with health-healing fairies and love-sharing elves. Ever read the Shannara book series by Terry Brooks? I want to live like that. If I feel like that, it's all good. That is my quest.

What do you think blue tastes like? Sweet water

What aromatherapy do you prefer and why? Tough one. I think I like citrus, but light citrus, like after it's been therap-ied. I also like vanilla (it's calming) and patchouli, because it's supposed to be an aphrodisiac and though I don't need one of those to get my groove on, some other people do (if you know who I mean--[I say with shame]).

If you could shag one person in all of history, who would it be? They'd be alive, by the way. Whoa. Good question. (I've been staring at this question for a good 5 minutes and don't have an answer yet). I guess I'll have to go with Anthony Perkins. He looks so handsome and so sweet. I can't help it.

So, would you skip the flukeman incident? Will immediately search google for "flukeman"

Are you enamored of noses of a delicate Hebrew model? Actually, sometimes I am deeply attracted. A best friend in high school had such a nose and he looked so handsome, and a friend of mine in college, he was of Hungarian descent--whoa! He was sexy.

Did you laugh at the last question? I did after answering it.

Was it because you pictured David Duchovny and Jon Stewart and their distinctive nasal features? No. I actually pictured Blossom (what's her real name?) and Sara Jessica Parker(-Broderick)--but they aren't what made me laugh. Concentrating on someone's nose is what made me laugh.

Why or why not? Why am I attracted? Why did I laugh? Hmmm... I detest why's (even though I ask them all the time)

How should Chris Carter die? Terribly mean question. I say he goes hiking in the woods and never returns. Aliens! Though more violence could be wished upon him since he's pulling the plug on the X-Files.

Do you love those Emode tests too? Be honest. I'm out of the loop. Could be an inside joke of Mary and Cassie's. Got me.

Why isn't there a fee to apply to the U of A law school? Desperate for candidates? Fairness? Nice people?

What US state's abbreviation is AP? Huh? Is this a real question? Do we have more states? Am I having a brain fart and am mistaking it for confidence?

What the hell? I'll have fries with that.

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9:05 AM + That freakin' weirdo is leaving messages on my other writing exercises now. I don't like it! I didn't put extreme tracker on that page either, only the other. Dammit. I'll do that now.

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Monday, January 21, 2002

4:42 PM + Yay! Someone from the Battered Women's Alternative is going to send me info about volunteer work. Yippee!

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3:53 PM + Well, I don't think I'm going to be posting a journal entry today. But I'll tell you a few things here: I had a pretty good weekend, but it was plagued by the strangest head ache as well. I took a bath and even went to the gym on Sunday (with Jon). I did 28 minutes on the elliptical machine. Jon and I are supposed to go again today. I've been reading more and more about the benefits of exercise on depression, but problem is this: it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of effort to get up and out to the gym. That's the toughest part of the entire thing. When Jenna was visiting me, it was so easy; though I went, I didn't want to. It was so hard.

I didn't write anything for my book this weekend, but did do a lot of journal writing. A whole lot of journal writing. Once I start in on that, I never want to stop. I just want to pick it up and write down every little thought in my head that pertains to my life, the universe and socks at Wal-Mart. I'm not exaggerrating. (Two g's? Two r's? That word gets me every time.)

My office is having a late meeting that I'm sure will last me the rest of the day. I hope everybody is having a great day and feeling good. Ciao!

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2:16 PM + What to do, what to do, when boredom is your day job. Hmmm. I've been looking at the fashion police files at E!Online. Heh heh. Check 'em out.

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10:40 AM + I got a morning kiss first thing this morning. Isn't that fantastic? It is to me. No asking, no nothing. I woke up to a nice little kiss on my back. Mmmm (don't make big deal of it, don't make big deal of it, don't make big deal of it...) That way, I'll get more! (Oh, um. We rented The Omega Code last night. The most wretched movie we have ever seen! Casper Van Dien was fun in Starship Troopers--but nobody could act in that movie, which made it more fun-- ... Well, it's just plain ol' embarrassing in this movie because they're all acting so serious, like "This is my big break." It's a perfect MST3K movie.)

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