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1. Again, my real name is not Ellie. I got the name from Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. In the book, the main character goes for a night on the town with a friend. When a sailor tries to pick them up, the protagonist gives him a fake name: Ellie Higginbottom. I use the last name Hingenbottom--just because.
2. I love to read books as often as possible, but I also want to write. I'm sure that reading books has always been my way of procrastinating. Just like crocheting, cleaning, reading about writing, and munching on foods that require my hands.
3. I am five foot six inches tall and weight approximately 140 pounds. This is 15 pounds more than I weighed for a steady five years until college, at which point I went up to 136. I normally wouldn't care, but lately feel that my health is declining and I should just start running or walking. However, I also think this may be another excuse to not get down to writing.
4. My birthday is in May and yes, I am a selfish little git with a wish list on my blog page. So feel free to shop around for me.
5. I get a bit preoccupied with my relationships. Again, I believe I do this to stall my writing career. I'm currently (as of February 3, 2003), with a man I think is a bit too perfect because thus far, I have had no real headaches about how we are together and have not accused him of implying various other things in his conversations with me. He touches me. That makes me happy.
6. My favorite books are One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I also loved Stones from the River by Ursula Hegi. I love For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway and The Passion by Jeannette Winterson. Franz Kafka is my favorite writer.
7. I wrote my honors thesis on Kafka's In the Penal Colony. If five or more people request it, I'll post this online. I enjoyed writing it and would love for others to read it.
8. I majored in college in Comparative Literature and German.
9. I graduated from the University of Rochester in Rochester, New York.
10. I transferred there in 1998 from Mount Holyoke College in South Hadley, Massachusetts. (That's Mount "whole-yolk.")
11. I left Mount Holyoke in the spring of 1996 after my father died.
12. He died on September 24, 1995 when he hit a moose while driving his motorcycle on I-89 in Vermont. It was a Sunday night. It was the last time I wrote in my journals for two years. I still have the journal I was using at the time and couldn't bring myself to fill the rest of the pages.
13. He was my foster father, but the only father I ever trusted.
14. I went into foster care when I was 12 and almost 13 years old. February 16, 1990. Social workers got me from school.
15. When they called me to the guidance office at the end of the day, I stood outside the counselor's door and started crying. I knew I wasn't going home.
16. My youngest sister was taken to a foster home one month prior.
17. I lived in seven foster homes before moving in with a family I felt proud to be a part of in 1993.
18. Prior to that family, I lived in another for 3 years. They were verbally abusive and constantly remind me what ignorance can do to humanity.
19. I was taken into foster care with my younger two sisters and brother because my mother was charged with neglect.
20. She was also an alcoholic and drug abuser (cocaine and crack).
21. I always knew she used drugs. I used to hide all the drug paraphernalia in the backyard. I had rummaged in her room when she was out and took what I could.
22. But I never suspected she was an alcoholic. I've never seen her even hold a drop of liquor.
23. And yet she taught me morals and values I never would have learned in my foster homes, except the one I moved into when I was almost sixteen years old.
24. Which is where I go for holidays.
25. I see my real mother now and love her dearly. She's lived a hard and trying life and I am incredibly proud of her for overcoming so much.
26. She was diagnosed with HIV in 1993, though it's believed she's had it at least since 1990.
27. She now is technically labeled with AIDS since 1994, though her numbers are always looking better.
28. She never thought she'd live this long, but my sister and I always believed in her.
29. I met my biological father when I was 8.
30. I think he's kind of a dope. It's because of him that I started the Ellie journal in the first place. I hated him reading about my life and then making judgments.
31. I miss school. I'd like to return for a couple of things.
32. People I work with and who judge me by my accomplishments want me to work for the government in some capacity: FBI, IRS, go to law school to become a family court judge
33. I want to study history and English, learn Spanish, and teach school for a while. I also want to write articles, short stories, and the great American novel.
34. So obviously I am the oldest of four kids, but I have a different father than they do.
35. It was brought to my attention when I was 22 that, technically, they are my half siblings.
36. If you ask me, that's bull shit. I love them wholly.
37. If you include my foster brothers and sisters--which I do--then I have five sisters and three brothers
38. I love having a family this large.
39. I am a caseworker for a private, not-for-profit organization called the Urban League
40. My opinion about this job changes daily
41. Somedays I love it; other times I hate it.
42. But no matter what, I want to move on.
43. I have brown eyes and brown hair, although I recently dyed it red and I think it's pretty neat.
44. I enjoy sex.
45. I'm diagnosed as depressed and take Celexa everyday (nice connection, #44 and 45, huh?)
46. I was engaged when I was 19 years old to a man I met on the internet.
47. He smothered me and I felt too much in love to do anything about it. Then he threatened to kill himself and blamed me. So I had to leave.
48. For the first time in my life, I live alone. Since October 1, I've seen what it's like to come home to me and finally appreciate what it means to want time alone.
49. I am never 100% honest although I say I am. I am not because I want everybody to like me. It's a pathetic little truth about me.
50. I love plants. I currently have 22 plants in my apartment and desperately want more.
51. I want to be adored by a man. I want him to take care of me and hold me and give me that romance I've always wanted but was too embarrassed to admit because
52. I consider myself a feminist, though I prefer to say "pro-woman."
53. I never cringe when talking about concrete issues that can be taboo, such as uncomfortable sex, toys, periods, bodies, and the importance of my own vulva.
54. I like painting my nails but would prefer that the nailpolish stay on
55. I want to be pretty forever and honestly hate that I won't be. I also am becoming far too self-conscious of my image and my looks and I hate that part about me.
56. I feel I should relearn what it means to be comfortable.
57. Like when I was an art model for a local college
58. I found a certain thrill in that.
59. I consider myself to be very sexual and think it's an important part of who I am
60. I think I'm intelligent and hope to prove it to other people with stupid accolades that I can't help but utter in conversation if I feel a person isn't respecting my intelligence. I feel like an idiot when I do this and think I'm being too 'obvious.'
61. These things include the fact that I lived in 8 foster homes and still went to a great college
62. I graduated magna cum laude (and admit I'm not sure how to pronounce 'laude') and Phi Beta Kappa
63. Even though I had no idea what Phi Beta Kappa was when I was invited
64. I have fantasies
65. And love to daydream
66. and sleep.
67. I sweat in my sleep and like that. It feels safe.
68. I just bought a new car and love that I have reached a point of self-sufficiency that is admirable
69. I feel incredibly full of myself right now and I don't really like that too much
70. I wish I enjoyed reading biographies, but I don't.
71. I wish I enjoyed reading Borges and Shakespeare, and Nietzsche, and Marx--but I really don't.
72. I wish that I knew the names of jazz musicians and classical pieces, but alas--I do not.
73. I'm a great dancer
74. and have great hips for dancing, although in terms of body shape, they suck.
75. sometimes I shave my pubic hair into a landing strip type thing and wear thongs.
76. I use Cetaphil soap and moisturizer on my face
77. I wish I had more rings and earrings and some that were more precious than the five dollar pairs I got from Wal-Mart
78. My favorite teacher of all time was Mr. Boen from Arnone Elementary in Brockton, Massachusetts, the city I was born in.
79. I used to want to be an archaeologist
80. Now I want to be a detective but not get hurt
81. And I want to be a woman in a movie that stands tall and can fight; or play a lawyer
82. Which reminds me: my favorite TV show is Law & Order
83. And I'm not sure what my favorite movie is anymore. I loved Amelie and definitely The Hours
84. I want to write a memoir.
85. I was sexually abused 8 times.
86. Not including when my ex-boyfriend's father put his tongue in my mouth while we were visiting him for his wife's funeral. My ex-boyfriend didn't believe me. The incident made me feel 8 years old all over again.
87. My mother once abandoned my sisters and I with an ex-boyfriend of hers who beat us mercilessly. We were there for what I think was 9 months (my mother says only three. Does it matter?)
88. I was a bed-wetter until a year after we left him. I was 11 years old. We were rid of him after he left us with people who left us with people who left us with people who called the Dept. of Social Services. We went into a foster home for 10 days and were returned to my father who returned us to our mother.
89. I first tried smoking marijuana when I was ten.
90. I had "sex" with girls a lot. I let them lick my vagina and I would lick theirs. We also kissed heavily. We never used fingers though. Just licked. I started this when I was about 8 until I was 11 years old.
91. I got my first period when I was 12, approximately one month before my 13th birthday. I was in my first foster home and was incredibly excited but sad my mother wasn't there. She knew how important it was to me.
92. I first tried playing with myself when I was 9 in a bathtub but it didn't work. I couldn't find my vagina.
93. I lost my virginity when I was 16 to my high school "sweetheart." He asked me if I wanted to and I said "I don't know." He did it. And it hurt like freaking hell.
94. I miss my foster father incredibly and often wonder what I would be like now if he were still alive. I believe he affected me in a profound way.
95. Somewhere inside me, I want to move far away and never speak to the people I know now ever again (excepting my family). Start fresh with new friends, a new career, a new look and personality.
96. I don't think I'm ever truly being myself
97. I think I worry too much about impressing people
98. I'm kind of tired of that, obviously. So now I'm struggling to find out what it is that I like doing exactly.
99. I wear bifocal glasses
100. And have dimples in my cheeks.