swimming in the blog jar
a weblog

4:12 PM + I've posted a new entry and am announcing the coming of a quick "this is ellie" page. Stay tuned.

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3:22 PM + I found this fantastic quote today: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." ~ Robert Frost. I found it at Melissa's page, which I really like. The qoute is from a page she dedicated to her sister who died in a car accident. I don't even want to imagine that pain. Can't. Refuse to. How many dreams have I had in which Jenna has died? Or was threatened? God, it would kill me.

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1:39 PM + I hate hate hate my job and want to quit so badly. The things I want to do won't pay me much, but it's got to be more rewarding than this incredibly awful nonsense! On another, more wonderful, note, Jon snuggled with me last night. He just reached over, tucked me in, and whenever I moved, he kept on snuggling. Hmmm...is he seeing my more confident doubt? The kind that says, "She may actually do something." Perhaps he was just over-confident that he could "be himself" and I'll stay. Perhaps he's seeing, since I've stopped my effort, that putting in an effort really does mean something. I'm ponderous...

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10:47 AM + My first Friday Five!

1. What was your first job? This is a tough one because I feel like I've been working for absolutely ever. Aside from babysitting, I think my first official job, in which I was paid actual checks with taxes taken out, was as an office assistant in an elementary school. I was in the eighth grade. The job was through a program my high school offered. I had always wanted a job and was quite eager to get there. Somedays I walked the four miles to school or rode my bike because my foster parents at the time were huge assholes. They actually grounded me from my job one summer. I loved it very much.

2. How old were you when you had your first kiss? I was 8 years old. It was the second grade, though my boyfriend, Lao King, thought I was in the third grade (he was a fifth grader). I never told him the truth until he got the yearbook at the end of the year. He was very sweet and I felt, if it's possible, that he was indeed my first love. He was so nice to me. We were watching a Chuck Norris movie and sitting in the same recliner. When I said bye to him at the door (he lived next door), he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I almost fainted.

3. What was your first car? What happened to it? I'm still driving my first car and am incredibly proud to own it. It was a huge thing to me, owning something all my own (aside, now, from my college education). It's a 1991 Toyota Corolla, color red. I name it Marlowe, after the private investigator Philip Marlowe in the Raymond Chandler mystery novels. My Marlowe is a dream. I'm going to own it completely in less than a year. I'm so excited! I knew she was the car (yes, Marlowe is really a male character, but she kicks ass, so shares the name) when I first test-drove it. I bought it from a person rather than dealer. I took the car out and turned left, realized, when a car was coming straight at me, that I was on a one-way street. I freaked out, turned super fast, and was so impressed with how fantastic Marlowe followed my movements, I knew she was the one.

4. What was your first concert? My real first concert was in the sixth grade. I went to see Christian with my church group, and felt very awkward. I really just wanted friends. My next concert was to see the B52s, but my foster mother came with me and I didn't like her at all. So I always consider my first concert to be in high school when a great friend of mine and I went to see Bush in Montreal. I got Gavin's autograph and admired his hips very much.

5. How do you plan to spend your weekend? I definitely plan on missing my sister incredibly as it is her first weekend in Colorado, miles and miles away from me. I'm so happy for her but want to hug her over and over again and squeeze out any fear and sadness. That's what hurts me more is knowing she's probably sad and scared and missing her dog and me and my mother. I also plan on seriously perusing the Poets & Writers and brooding about my thoughts to get away for a while (which makes me sad). Jon also plans for us to just lie around and watch movies and take things easy. I'll blog about that in a few minutes, or actually just post an entry. Big things seem to be in the works.

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Wednesday, January 09, 2002

12:11 AM + OH oh oh! You must see these stars at starrysheep! They are so fantastic! Made my day, I tell you... I shall add a link when I get back to work. I like this one... Yeah! Discovery is a wonderful thing.

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Tuesday, January 08, 2002

10:55 PM + I did the gay test at the spark.com. I am, dear friends, 34% gay. Go me! I'm posting from my brother's house right now. The drive here (2 hours) wasn't so bad. Jon and I had a nice dinner. He held my hands over the table and smiled a lot. I love him. Can't myself. I like to act tough, but sometimes it gets hard. There are times--don't you notice?--when you realize that somewhere along the line, you don't see things the right way, and suddenly, you do? I still think I need more of me, but I still need him too. I'll see you later, alligators.

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4:02 PM + Yay, AgentMerp! I was so happy to win a contest, but now I have an actual prize! I'm sorry I haven't given a very personal yippee skippee, Miss Merp, but you have my heartfelt gratitude. And all you viewers: don't go looking up my skirt or I'll bust a cap in your insect ass! Heh heh.

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3:29 PM + I've posted a new entry. I'll be gone for a few days, but back on Friday, possibly Thursday afternoon. I'm seeing my sister Jenna off to Colorado. (Love you, Jenna!) Peace, friends.

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1:11 PM + Hey there, everyone. I made sure I had a link to the Friday Five so I can now participate. Though I have another weblog where I'm "known," I find this one more fun simply because it's more me. Nora reminds me a lot of me, but only her journal, not her weblog. She seems like two people and her blog and journal show both. Her blog is the person she wants everyone to see and like; her journal is the person she really wants everyone to see but is afraid to show. Like me. She's beautiful internally in that way--to me, anywho. I'm not a stalker or anything, but reading her journal is like reading my own when I wrote them in paper. I only thought about all the things I was doing wrong. Nowadays, I just get mad for doing that and try to find another way to cope with the situations. I'll post an entry later on today. I'll be sure, also, to copy this danged entry before hitting "publish" since blogger seems to be all up in arms having to do it's job and all. Peace.

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Monday, January 07, 2002

2:48 PM + Well well. I have posted my entry for today. Comments are, of course, welcome. Also, I hava a button available for you on the left. Have a great day, dahlins.

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11:55 AM + Ah! I put in a whole message for you guys and it didn't post! What's up with this thing? I made a button to which you can link now that Geocities has "resolved" the issue. I will post a heart-ripping (mine) entry this afternoon, but it only feels that way until I finish and feel relieved and somehow more "objective" (read: safe). Not all is bad, just not the way I am but hope to be. Relaxed. Living instead of planning on living. Confused? It will be explained after lunch. Be well until then.

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