swimming in the blog jar
a weblog

2:16 PM + A brand-spankin' new nekked entry is posted. Blasted be!

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11:10 AM + Who else thinks that Scott and Jennifer (?--I'm not positive that's really her name; oh dear!) should hook up and "get to know each other." As far as I can tell, Scott is single. They both live in Virginia. They are both very intelligent people and excellent writers. Now, Kismet has way more fun with life; Scott seems a bit tense (I've actually wondered if maybe he doesn't date women, but then read an entry he wrote about passing women in a car while at home in Texas [a great entry by the way, Scott] and am therefore convinced he does). But Kismet could really loosen him up! Boy, I'd love to be matchmaker!

Anyway, I've been reading their journals for quite some time and suggest you check 'em out.

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9:58 AM + It's the Friday Five!

1. What do you have your browser start page set to? Netcape 6 is set to go to the Yahoo! mail login. Internet Explorer 5.0 is set to go to my Blog.

2. What are your favorite news sites? I used to check ABCnews.com every morning, and occasionally perused the CNN.com page. CNN was pretty darned boring and though ABC was easy to navigate and published the more "catchy" STAR News-type headlines, their articles suck. Now I just get the CNN Breaking News emails and if intrigued, check one of those sites. Oh! But I do love the Reuters New of the Weird, available most easily for me though Yahoo!

3. Favorite search engine? Used to be altavista, but now it's google. I'm very upset, however, that people could easily find me on this site and know my *true identity* because of pesky little google.

4. When did you first get online? I first started understanding the Internet in high school, 1994. I did MUD's and telnet chats (I was even engaged to someone after meeting him online). I sometimes, hearing about the World Wide Web, would type "world wide web" at the prompt. I learned about gopher and all that other good stuff. Then I discovered the real web with images and everything. Now I'm a wiz!

5. How do you plan to spend your weekend? Oh, you've got me. If my self-exerted independence makes an appearance this weekend, I'll try to go to the library for an hour's worth of writing each day, and hopefully also work on the roleplaying book I'd actually get paid for. Of course, I've gotta get that whole self-exerted independent gal over to the house for dinner first. Otherwise, it's all movies, cards and boardgames; perhaps an emotional crisis, although I'm feeling pretty okay. The last two weeks were real killers.

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9:42 AM + Bless Kellie for plugging my book on her weblog.

I wonder if I should ask real diary critic to review my page. Hmm... The thought is appealing, but my site is quite simple and has no real spark. It would be lots of fun though.

I will be posting a journal entry at some point today, don't you fear. Jon is coming back from Boston this afternoon. I'm sleepy and would rather have the day off, but being a Friday, perhaps all will work out just fine.

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Thursday, January 17, 2002

5:42 PM + The person leaving messages on my other writing blog is annoying me now. I'm back to thinking it's the bio-dad again, only I haven't seen him earlier in the month... Grrr....

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4:16 PM + Sasha linked to me! I feel so special now. I let out a verbal "awww" when I read her blog about linking to me, and my co-worker came up to my screen and said "what?" I almost told her how grateful I was that Sasha had linked to me, almost forgetting that I didn't want her to know I have this site! So I had to point to Mombat's button with the cute, chubby-cheeked darling and say, "Isn't that baby the cutest!?" Oops!

In other news, I gave a real-life friend whom I see in real life where I live my address to this here site. I hope that's okay and I really truly hope it doesn't hinder what I post. Not because I'm afraid of her reading things about my emotional life (which I'm likely to tell her anyway), but just in case I go on a binge about my lack of friends and why I think this is so and all the other things that could come into such a journal entry. I think it will be all right though. She's a good friend, she's open-minded, and she knows that people just sometimes have feelings. It doesn't mean they are changed people. Right, K--? Right-o, El. (No slipping up on my real name if you post a comment! That goes for you too, Kel. Heh heh.)

I think I'll try to post a quick journal entry, but not before I post a new chapter for my book. So I suppose that makes room for the possibility that I won't post a journal entry. And yippy skippy, I'm being treated with home made sushi (vegetable!) at my friend Kristi's house tonight! Woohoo! Lucky me, lucky me...

Peace out, y'all.

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11:50 AM + Bah. Nobody wants to read my book. So I'm posting a sneak peek and you can see what you might want to get yourself into. I think it's fun.

This week, I'm going to rewrite two short stories that I wrote and send them out to mad crazy magazines. I have hope. They are two of my favorites, very "woman" oriented and thus guaranteed hits. (Here's hoping).

I actually have work to do today if you can believe that, of course, all I want to do is read journals and write my own things down. I took a bath last night! With a new bath pillow. Oh, it was great. I wrote for almost an hour, did three loads of laundry! (I must have thirty pairs of underwear...)

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Wednesday, January 16, 2002

3:26 PM + A new entry is posted.

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10:34 AM + The mystery may very well be solved. I think it was an ex-boyfriend of mine who shard in depression with me. I found he had signed my guestbook; quite unexpected. That explains it for me, for now.

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10:21 AM + Anonymous comments make me nervous. I wrote one blog post about this and it didn't work and in the process of copying and pasting what I'm talking about all over again, it occured to me that I could be very wrong and have now come up with other possibilities. You most likely have no idea what I'm talking about, huh? Well, I have another blog under my real name in which I have writing practice exercises. Yesterday's topic was depression. For the first time, somebody left me a comment on it. I was immediately suspicious cause there was no name, only "your biggest fan." The message left seemed somewhat cryptic and my immediately suspicious mind thought it was my bio-dad. Even though when writing the topic out, I was imagining in my head my therapist and Jon and sometimes my foster mother, re-reading it showed me my bio-dad could be included as well; and it's just like him to take it personally. So when I got an anonymous comment, I assumed it was him. But he's not as crafty and what seems like intelligent as the person who left the message. Hmm... Here's the dea: My practice:

Maybe it's one of you kind souls saving my web anonymity so that others won't connect the real me to ellie. If so, thanks. I just wish I knew. Maybe I'm chemically imbalanced. Hmmm... any thoughts? Was it you? I'm tired. Maybe I'm overreacting. I'd feel really bad if it's just a person being nice and I'm missing it. Pooey on me, eh? Sheesh. Long enough blog for ya', El? Heh heh.

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9:55 AM + Oh, I had a great morning so far. Yeah, I have a headache, but I'm ignoring it. Something feels good about today. I woke up a little earlier than usual and started a bath with Aveeno Bath Treatment. Then I soaked in, but was a little disappointed at how hard it is to get comfortable; harder still in the morning when your muscles are particularly tense. I have to buy one of those bath pillows from The Body Shop. Then after I got dressed, I went to the grocery store because today is my turn to bring in snacks for work and I didn't make anything last night (too busy watching Real World past marathon and then the new one in Chicago). I bought lots and lots of candy. Then I went to the gas station and got myself a coffee, filled up my brand new spiffy Dunkin Donuts mug and then walked to work. It was cold, but boy was it sunny! I considered walking outside instead of cutting through the hospital (I love walking beside the huge cemetery) but when I stopped at my car to get the list of volunteer organizations' Web sites, the cold just got to me. As sunny and beautiful as it was, my face couldn't handle it. Besides, my hair was still wet! I got to work ten minutes early, ripped open the candy, at a can of peaches for breakfast and completed my website for my book. My project. My baby. If you'd like to have access to my book (the shitty first draft), subscribe here. Be well today! I'm going to sign up for some volunteer work. I need to live life. I'm getting too sad...

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Tuesday, January 15, 2002

3:55 PM + Friendlies! There is important news in my new entry. I hear mention of a book??

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10:54 AM +

Melissa and I are exactly the same! --You will marry LEGOLAS from Lord of the Rings, live in an ancient elven palace in the middle of the forest, and spend your days walking on top of snow and rowing ivory boats and just being beautiful. What's YOUR M * A * S * H future?

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10:22 AM + Now available: About Ellie! Every sordid detail, except name, birthplace, and current living situation, but if you knew me IRL, you'd know from the facts here exactly who I am. Yeah, if that happens: don't tell me becuase it will make me incredibly angry that people I know are bad snoops and give away their positions!

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Monday, January 14, 2002

4:24 PM + I don't have time to post a whole entry but a few important things have come up that I simply want to state. Jon and I had a huge discussion this weekend that made me realize why we haven't been going swimmingly. When we moved in with each other I had my notions of what moving in together meant. I knew I wanted him forever and moving in seemed like a great "unofficial" way of saying to each other, "Yes, dammit." Jon did not feel this way, as I learned this weekend. Instead, he wanted to move in with me to see if I was that person. Had I known this, had we told each other our intentions, I would never have moved in with him. So now I'm considering moving out because it's far more difficult for me to mentally regress my mental-relationship back ten paces until I'm even with his own. Easier to move out and regress, than stay on and entirely change what living together has always meant to me. Also, I've learned that he has a very difficult time with sharing with me. He wants to tell me what I can do to help myself, but he in no way is really willing to actually help me, to work with me. I deduce this from our discussion and me asking him for help and his response was "You have to do this, do that, do this..." when all I want is for him to say, "We'll work on it together." He used words like "propagate" and "villify," anything logical and analytical. When I pointed it out to him, his distancing himself from the emotion, he told me not to "spring that shit on" him. I've used it before, he says. Yes. I have. Because my other boyfriends thought the same way. Perhaps that's why I BROKE UP WITH THEM, YOU FUCKING TWIT!

Either way, I have found therapy in a book called 'Unholy Ghost'--a collection of stories by writers on depression. I've also decided to dedicate more time to my writing. In short: ignore him. Not good. I'm going to have a hell of a day next wednesday at couples counseling. Also, I may be inquiring about meds. Any thoughts on this? It frightens me, and I'm not sure I need them...how can you tell? I feel like by saying I'll take meds, I'm saying, "I'm making this all up; you're fine. I'm the one that needs help because I'm skewing everything up." And I don't want to admit that. I'd feel like an asshole for being so awful and accusing him of things that "apparently" aren't really happening.

I feel so convinced they are. How do I know the difference? Any thoughts?

See you tomorow. Oh yeah! And I also told on my supervisor. Tomorrow, we'll probably have a discussion: my supervisor, her supervisor and me. Excellent. Just what I need; a "let me tell you how you suck" discussion. Ciao.

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1:16 PM +

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Friday, January 11, 2002

4:12 PM + I've posted a new entry and am announcing the coming of a quick "this is ellie" page. Stay tuned.

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3:22 PM + I found this fantastic quote today: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." ~ Robert Frost. I found it at Melissa's page, which I really like. The qoute is from a page she dedicated to her sister who died in a car accident. I don't even want to imagine that pain. Can't. Refuse to. How many dreams have I had in which Jenna has died? Or was threatened? God, it would kill me.

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1:39 PM + I hate hate hate my job and want to quit so badly. The things I want to do won't pay me much, but it's got to be more rewarding than this incredibly awful nonsense! On another, more wonderful, note, Jon snuggled with me last night. He just reached over, tucked me in, and whenever I moved, he kept on snuggling. Hmmm...is he seeing my more confident doubt? The kind that says, "She may actually do something." Perhaps he was just over-confident that he could "be himself" and I'll stay. Perhaps he's seeing, since I've stopped my effort, that putting in an effort really does mean something. I'm ponderous...

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10:47 AM + My first Friday Five!

1. What was your first job? This is a tough one because I feel like I've been working for absolutely ever. Aside from babysitting, I think my first official job, in which I was paid actual checks with taxes taken out, was as an office assistant in an elementary school. I was in the eighth grade. The job was through a program my high school offered. I had always wanted a job and was quite eager to get there. Somedays I walked the four miles to school or rode my bike because my foster parents at the time were huge assholes. They actually grounded me from my job one summer. I loved it very much.

2. How old were you when you had your first kiss? I was 8 years old. It was the second grade, though my boyfriend, Lao King, thought I was in the third grade (he was a fifth grader). I never told him the truth until he got the yearbook at the end of the year. He was very sweet and I felt, if it's possible, that he was indeed my first love. He was so nice to me. We were watching a Chuck Norris movie and sitting in the same recliner. When I said bye to him at the door (he lived next door), he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I almost fainted.

3. What was your first car? What happened to it? I'm still driving my first car and am incredibly proud to own it. It was a huge thing to me, owning something all my own (aside, now, from my college education). It's a 1991 Toyota Corolla, color red. I name it Marlowe, after the private investigator Philip Marlowe in the Raymond Chandler mystery novels. My Marlowe is a dream. I'm going to own it completely in less than a year. I'm so excited! I knew she was the car (yes, Marlowe is really a male character, but she kicks ass, so shares the name) when I first test-drove it. I bought it from a person rather than dealer. I took the car out and turned left, realized, when a car was coming straight at me, that I was on a one-way street. I freaked out, turned super fast, and was so impressed with how fantastic Marlowe followed my movements, I knew she was the one.

4. What was your first concert? My real first concert was in the sixth grade. I went to see Christian with my church group, and felt very awkward. I really just wanted friends. My next concert was to see the B52s, but my foster mother came with me and I didn't like her at all. So I always consider my first concert to be in high school when a great friend of mine and I went to see Bush in Montreal. I got Gavin's autograph and admired his hips very much.

5. How do you plan to spend your weekend? I definitely plan on missing my sister incredibly as it is her first weekend in Colorado, miles and miles away from me. I'm so happy for her but want to hug her over and over again and squeeze out any fear and sadness. That's what hurts me more is knowing she's probably sad and scared and missing her dog and me and my mother. I also plan on seriously perusing the Poets & Writers and brooding about my thoughts to get away for a while (which makes me sad). Jon also plans for us to just lie around and watch movies and take things easy. I'll blog about that in a few minutes, or actually just post an entry. Big things seem to be in the works.

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Wednesday, January 09, 2002

12:11 AM + OH oh oh! You must see these stars at starrysheep! They are so fantastic! Made my day, I tell you... I shall add a link when I get back to work. I like this one... Yeah! Discovery is a wonderful thing.

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Tuesday, January 08, 2002

10:55 PM + I did the gay test at the spark.com. I am, dear friends, 34% gay. Go me! I'm posting from my brother's house right now. The drive here (2 hours) wasn't so bad. Jon and I had a nice dinner. He held my hands over the table and smiled a lot. I love him. Can't myself. I like to act tough, but sometimes it gets hard. There are times--don't you notice?--when you realize that somewhere along the line, you don't see things the right way, and suddenly, you do? I still think I need more of me, but I still need him too. I'll see you later, alligators.

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4:02 PM + Yay, AgentMerp! I was so happy to win a contest, but now I have an actual prize! I'm sorry I haven't given a very personal yippee skippee, Miss Merp, but you have my heartfelt gratitude. And all you viewers: don't go looking up my skirt or I'll bust a cap in your insect ass! Heh heh.

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3:29 PM + I've posted a new entry. I'll be gone for a few days, but back on Friday, possibly Thursday afternoon. I'm seeing my sister Jenna off to Colorado. (Love you, Jenna!) Peace, friends.

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1:11 PM + Hey there, everyone. I made sure I had a link to the Friday Five so I can now participate. Though I have another weblog where I'm "known," I find this one more fun simply because it's more me. Nora reminds me a lot of me, but only her journal, not her weblog. She seems like two people and her blog and journal show both. Her blog is the person she wants everyone to see and like; her journal is the person she really wants everyone to see but is afraid to show. Like me. She's beautiful internally in that way--to me, anywho. I'm not a stalker or anything, but reading her journal is like reading my own when I wrote them in paper. I only thought about all the things I was doing wrong. Nowadays, I just get mad for doing that and try to find another way to cope with the situations. I'll post an entry later on today. I'll be sure, also, to copy this danged entry before hitting "publish" since blogger seems to be all up in arms having to do it's job and all. Peace.

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Monday, January 07, 2002

2:48 PM + Well well. I have posted my entry for today. Comments are, of course, welcome. Also, I hava a button available for you on the left. Have a great day, dahlins.

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11:55 AM + Ah! I put in a whole message for you guys and it didn't post! What's up with this thing? I made a button to which you can link now that Geocities has "resolved" the issue. I will post a heart-ripping (mine) entry this afternoon, but it only feels that way until I finish and feel relieved and somehow more "objective" (read: safe). Not all is bad, just not the way I am but hope to be. Relaxed. Living instead of planning on living. Confused? It will be explained after lunch. Be well until then.

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Friday, January 04, 2002

2:11 PM +

You're harried, and often have too many things to take care of to stop and enjoy life (whether from procrastinating or not). You feel safe when you're busy, though, and you're somewhat of a wuss, and often caught off-guard. You're easily startled, and may be somewhat of a push-over -- but if you think you've the right, you'll boss others around.

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10:34 AM + Wow. I really do feel awful. It could be a mixture of things I'm not enjoying, like not be absolutely adored by my boyfriend, my sister leaving for ten months (which, though it is absolutely fantastic, also makes me feel kinda lonely. I'm sure once she's there though, we'll still talk to each other a lot and it will probably just go by really fast. I'm always sad when she has to leave after we've spent so much time together), finishing this damned manuscript, and my icky job in general. Last night, I was actually thinking of Jon in some weird drunken terms. I had two beers while editing and watching the Rose bowl. I was thinking: he needs more hugs. He loved snuggling with me. When I got into bed last night at 1 a.m. (proofing), he was curled up, facing my side of the bed and when I went into the bed backwards, I was almost right inside that great warm curve. But he immediately rolled over and do you know how hard it is for my 5'6" body with arms, 135 lbs, to wrap around a 6'2", 200 lb man is?? It's kind of hard. I get tired holding my arm up that high. Not to mention that I convince myself I'm making him uncomfortable and he doesn't like it and can't wait until I move it. A paranoia on my part, I suppose. Okay. No more stalling. I MUST get to work! (And I will post links to other weblogs when I'm not supposed to be doing work...) Cheers, friendlies.

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9:13 AM + I'm starting a weblog for peeking from beneath the bell jar. I don't plan to keep it on blogspot because at least on geocities the ad windows can be closed. Either way, please feel free to use the upcoming comments sections on this page for comments regarding my journal entries too. I'll be formatting this page probably a million and a half times before I'm happy with how it is. Once on geocities, I'll also post a button for a link to my journal. Therefore, for the time being, just don't link to the weblog unless you don't mind changing the address in a while (apparently, geocities is having problems ftp-ing with new accounts). I'll see you soon. I have work to do!

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