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Tai Zhi

            Tai Zhi is a name/nick of mine, it's actually another person inside me. Or is it that it's actually me, just that I wanted to protect myself, that's why I kept 'him' locked in me... Am I having split personality here~? Hmmm.... Doesn't matter anyway... Tai Zhi had 2 versions. The 1st one is the one which you had heard before in Fallen Angel. The other is of the complete opposite character. I did not know that I had such personality in me, until 'he' showed up & took over me, when I fall truly, madly & deeply for Karen...

            I never seems to be able to say "NO" to Karen. It was so hard for me. Even at the peak where I doted Bella the most, I won't agreed to do everything for her. I'll see if it's logical & not hurtful to anyone & etc... But this does not applied to Karen. It was funny though, I just felt that I'm cursed by some kind of black magic. I'll not have any thoughts or will of my own. All I wanted is just one thing, that is, show me that smile of yours Karen...

            Hey, I'm no psycho here alright~! So don't give me that look~! I just mean that all I wanted was her to feel happy, inside out...

            I believed no one would ever want to see their loved ones sad & helpless. It'll be your greatest torture to see them in that state, especially when you can't do anything to help them ease the pain. Their unhappy tears & trouble faces, how you wish that they belonged to you, and not them...

            I don't know about you, but I'm such person. Thus, even if I were to go against my will, I'll just go ahead and do it, even if it means to go war alone with the entire world.

            Karen had a "destiny boyfriend", Leax (Not His Real Name). He hated me a lot. Actually not just me, just any guys that's nice or close to Karen. Oh, why I called him her "destiny boyfriend"~? Simply because she could never ever get over him, no matter what. Even with the worst thing one could do to a girl, he had done it to her. I'm not just saying it, I said it because it happened. I won't say anything detailed about it though... I couldn't figured out why she can't let go at 1st, but slowly I understand. It's just her destiny and fate that she had to go thru with that...

            I had remembered Karen as someone who's energetic & someone with that happy smile always shown on her face before she had a boyfriend, but that smile became a legend soon... A month after she had gone missing with Leax, I got to see them again at CLUB VII. She no longer had that smile on her face anymore. She looked so pale & exhausted, hiding alone behind Leax while Leax were having fun with his friends. I went up to say hi. She looked so happy, as if she had no one to talk to for quite some time. Leax don't give a damn to me then, so he didn't even bother. We chat for a while, her smile returned. But not for long, as I was to go away soon. It doesn't feel right talking to her when her boyfriend is around, although Leax didn't say anything. I just feel weird, and I don't want to create any unnecessary trouble for Karen. Just before I left, I see Karen in her eyes... They were so sad & lonely~!  Those eyes seems to begging me not to leave. They were as if crying for help, and I can still hear them now...

            I did not stay anyway. I wasn't supposed to, I guess...

            Soon, Karen's story & news keep appearing. I finally got her handphone number also. It took me 3 months before she would talk to me when we 1st met, now it took me another 3 months just to have her number. Well done huh~?!! Since then, we talked even more. Most of her topics got to do with Leax. She'll say how Leax would throw her aside and accompany her best friend, a gal some more. Hmmm... Just wanna ask you guys something before I say further... Would you throw your girlfriend aside, I mean really dumped her aside & completely ignoring her, and go accompany your best friend, who happens to be a gal~? I don't think so myself, unless I'm in love with that best friend... Anyway, that's what Leax always do. Even when they were to go out together, Leax will NEVER ask Karen for suggestions, or consider her ideas. He'll just stick to whatever his best friend wants.

            Karen had this phrase, "Even if that best friend were to kill someone in front of Leax, but tell him that she didn't in the end, he'll still take her word for it." Heard that Leax once woo that best friend of his before, but he never succeeded. It's actually quite clear cut that Leax is still in love with that gal, but Karen insist on not facing the truth. There's are still millions of things that Leax treat Karen like slaves, which I don't think that I can wrote all down in here...

            Every time when Karen shared her problems with me, I just kept quiet most of the time... Since I knew that she couldn't get over him, and also that she refused to face the truth. It was actually my best opportunity then to break them apart, but those harsh words just won't come out. I often had to sweet talk her on behalf of Leax. It's really against my will, but I still do it anyway. I just don't wish to see her crying in my arms again...

            I always tried to make her wish come true. I had tried every ways and means to make her dreams come true, but sadly I'm only human. I had my limits, even though often I pushed myself over that limit. Karen always tells me, Leax is her O.C (Officer In Charge), while I'm her Medic... I'm like a doctor whom she'll come find me whenever she's sick/unwell. Although I can't completely heal her, but I always ease her pain for a while, so that she can have the energy to step into the battlefield again. The truth is, I wasn't the person with that magic. If it were to be Leax instead, that magic would have been worked much more wonderfully...

            Often I had to leave in the middle of my appointment with my friends, simply because Karen needed me. Some of my friends were quite fed up with me when I do that, it's just like another FriendShip War... It's fine with me though, cause I always believed that true friends should always be understanding... Anyway, none of my friends had really encouraged me to woo Karen. In fact, most discouraged me to get involved deeper. I did not listen, maybe I should have... But I just didn't... I did not want to give up, as I believed that I could have done better.

            I'm quite exhausted, since I had no one to support me. It's tiring to fight alone... Mentally I'm weak, soon physically I felt weaker.

            I'll always be waiting for her call everyday, which I know she'll definitely call me. Most of the time it's between 2300hrs to 0430hrs, where she had finish clubbing and reach home. However, she call because she & Leax quarreled again. Be it at the pub or at his house... Sometimes she'll ask me to meet her, or bring her some place where we can talk. I remembered the place that we 1st time did that was at ESPLANADE. We chat all the way till morning, then I go back to work after seeing her home.

            That was the 1st time she really got to know me. She had always presumed that I had gone after her because of her looks. It was then that she knew that I had been taking note of every little details of her, things she like to do, or music she likes to dance to, or things she hate... It was also the 1st time that she is really listening to me... I'm very happy then. I remember one very unique thing that she said, when she saw me taking out my handkerchief to clean my spectacles.

            "My Mum Told Me, Guys Who Carries Handkerchief with Them Are Good Guys~!", she said that while smiling sweetly at me...

            I missed that smile... *sigh* Anyway, do you agreed with that~? Take a look around you and find out yourself ya... Ise also bring handkerchief one, and he's one good nice guy I swear~!

            Twice I had blackouts due to the exhaustion. The 1st incident happened while I was at work. I was walking halfway when I "doze off" just like that. It's more like fainted. But luckily my colleague was just beside me. Thus I only fell onto him, and that woke me up without any injury... The 2nd incident happened in the middle of my meeting. I was typing SMS with my handphone halfway, and I instantly doze off again just like that. Lucky I did not drop my handphone, and also my supervisor did not see that, or else I'm in for it... "

            That's all that you need to know, the rest is my precious memories... However, things changed completely in the end. That's what happens when Love & Hate Collided. And also when ones' love was taken for granted. See you next on, The Final Chapter...

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