Silence reinforces their tyranny!
The Pope wanted Jews to leave Italy. On protest he suggested a religious debate with a Jewish leader. If Jews won they could stay. If the Pope won they had to leave. The Jews picked elderly Rabbi Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe spoke no Latin. The Pope spoke no Yiddish. It was a silent debate. The Pope raised his hand showing 3 fingers. Rabbi Moishe raised 1 finger. The Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood and said, "I concede the debate. This man bested me. The Jews can stay." What happened? The Pope said, "I held up 3 fingers for the Trinity. He held up 1 finger for 1 God common to both our religions. I waved my finger around me to show him God is all around us. He pointed to the ground to show God is here with us. I pulled out wine and wafer to show God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Rabbi Moishe said, "he said 'You Jews have 3 days to leave.' I said, 'Up yours.' He says the whole city would be cleared of Jews. I said, 'Listen here Mr Pope, we stay right here!" "And then?" a woman asked. "Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
America and Russia at the height of the arms race, realizing if they continued they'd blow up the whole world, decided to settle the dispute with a dog fight. They'd have 5 years to breed the world's best fighting dog. Whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. Russia bred the world's biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed the rest, and gave him all the milk. Using steroids and trainers, after 5 years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world ever saw. Its cage needed 5-inch thick steel bars. Nobody could get near it. The day of the dog fight the Americans showed up with a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for America. No way could this dog possibly last 10 seconds with Russia's dog. The cages opened. The Dachshund slowly waddled towards Russia's dog, who snarled, leaping out of its cage charging America's dachshund. When it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck the Dachshund opened its mouth and ate Russia's dog in one bite. Nothing was left of Russia's dog. Disbelieving Russians asked the Americans, What happened? We had our best people work 5 years with the world's meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches and Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons work 5 years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
In a restaurant, Bubba says I know everybody in the world. I says Bubba who do you know here in Hollywood? Bubba says everyone. I says Bubba I bet you don't know Tom Selleck. In walks Tom Selleck and says Hi Bubba, how're you doing? He and Bubba throw their arms around each other and catch up on each other's latest. After Tom Selleck leaves I says Bubba I bet you don't know the President. Bubba says I do too know the President. We flew to Washington DC and President Clinton walks in and sees Bubba and says Hi Bubba, how're you doing? He and Bubba throw their arms around each other and catch up on each other's latest. After President Clinton leaves I says Bubba who else do you know? Bubba says the Pope. We flew to Rome and went directly to St Pater's Square where the Pope was to address the crowd. Bubba disappears. A few minutes later there's Bubba on the balcony with the pope. A guy next to me says Who's that up there with Bubba?
An old Irish man lived alone, his only son in prison, and no one to spade his potato patch. His son wrote, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE don't dig up that garden, it's where I buried the GUNS!" 4 a m the next day 12 British soldiers came and dug up the garden, finding no guns. Confused, the man asked his son what to do next. His son replied, "Plant your potatoes."
A teenage boy sat beside an old man on a bench. The boy's spiked hair was yellow, green, orange, purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter old man, you never did anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk and screwed a parrot. You're my son?"
A rabbi, a minister and a priest were playing poker when police raided the game. An officer asked the priest, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Looking towards heaven the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to do." To the officer he said, "No, officer, I wasn't gambling." The officer asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" After an appeal to heaven the minister replied, "No, officer, I wasn't gambling." The officer asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging, the rabbi said, "With whom?"
A bartender sure he was the strongest man around bet $1000 he'd squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass. Anyone squeezing one more drop of juice out would win the money. Weightlifters, longshoremen, boxers tried but none could. A scrawny little man in thick glasses and polyester suit entered and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, squeezed away and handed the remains over. Laughter died as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and 6 drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked, "You're a lumberjack, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the I R S."
A new business owner's friend sent flowers. They arrived and the card said Rest in Peace. The angry owner complained. The florist said, "Sir, I'm sorry for the mistake. Somewhere a funeral note says Congratulations on your new location."
A boy crossed a road one day when a frog calling him said, "Kiss me. I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I'll stay with you a week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and returned it to his pocket. The frog cried, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What's the matter? I said I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said "I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
A nut tree grew by the cemetery fence. One day 2 boys filled a bucket so full with nuts several rolled out towards the fence. The boys sat out of sight, dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. A third boy cycling by heard voices from inside the cemetery and stopped to investigate. Sure enough he heard, "One for you, one for me. . ." Cycling down the road he found a hobbling old man with a cane. "Come quick!" the boy said. "Satan and St Peter are dividing souls in the cemetery." The man said, "Shoo! Can't you see it's hard to walk already?" After several pleas he hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One -" The old man whispered, "Boy, you's tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. One last one for you. Get the nuts by the fence and we're done." The old man reached town 10 minutes before the boy!
A wealthy man took his dog on an African safari. One day the dog, chasing butterflies, gets lost and notices a hungry leopard heading rapidly towards him. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in trouble now." Seeing bones on the ground close by he immediately settles down to chew on them with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. Any more around here?" The terrorized leopard halts his attack in mid stride and runs off into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile a monkey watching from a nearby tree figures to trade this knowledge for protection from the leopard. Off he goes. The dog seeing him heading after the leopard figures something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat, furious at being made a fool of, says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what happens to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks," What do I do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. When they're close enough to hear the dog says, "I can't trust that monkey. I sent him half an hour ago to bring me another leopard and he's still not back!"
Scottish farmer Fleming heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. Running to the bog he found mired waist deep a terrified, screaming boy struggling to free himself. Fleming saved him. Next day a carriage arrived at Fleming's home. A nobleman, father of the boy Fleming saved, said, "Let me repay you for saving my son's life." Fleming said, "I can't accept payment for what I did." His own son appeared. "That's your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," Fleming said proudly. "Let me pay for your son's education. He'll be a man you're proud of." And he did. Sir Alexander Fleming graduated from St Mary's Hospital Medical School in London. Years later the nobleman's son caught pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. The nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son? Winston Churchill.
GREAT MOLASSES FLOOD Jan 15, 1919 A day Boston never forgot. 12:30 p m a thunderous crack resounded through Boston's North End. A 50-foot high, 100-foot wide tank of 2.5 million gallons of molasses collapsed. Boston was engulfed in a thick, brown, sticky 6-foot molasses tidal wave. Houses were swept off foundations. Horses hitched to carriages never had a chance. 21 people perished in the Great Molasses Flood. Some suffocated, some drowned, some were swept into Boston Harbor. For 6 months Bostonians scrubbed molasses off cobblestone streets, out of movie theaters and phone booths, off cars and shoe soles. Early 1900s Boston area had hundreds of molasses warehouses. Boston was America's distilling capital. Rum's main ingredient is molasses.
When the Harvard Bridge, leading from Boston to Cambridge via Massachusetts Ave, was built the state would name it for the school with the best claim. Harvard's essay detailed its contributions to American education, concluding that it deserved to have a bridge to Cambridge named for it. MIT's structural analysis showed the bridge so full of defects they agreed it should be named for Harvard.