JERRY: welcome to the jerry Springer show, today we shall feature some very �interesting� facts about the Lord of the Rings scandal. Gimli, Celeborn, Haldir, and Galadriel are all involved in this �tragic� event�actually it�s not a tragedy cuz I�m getting paid�anyway lets get to it. Gimli tell us your story
GIMLI: Well I met the lady Galadriel in the land of Lothlorien and fell instantly in love with her, after all if and elf and a man can go at it, why not an elf and a dwarf?
JERRY: Well�that�s interesting�and what did she give to you to declare her love back?
GIMLI: well I asked her for a hair off of her�head�and she spoiled me and gave me three.
JERRY: is this true Galadriel?
GALADRIEL: �maybe�
GIMLI: you witch! You said you would say it was true! You are a disloyal lover!
CELEBORN: WHAT!!!!!
HALDIR: wait a minute! She told me I was her lover!
CELEBORN: But I�m married to her!
JERRY: My god the blonde in you is showing in you Celeborn
CELEBORN: Where?
Legolas runs into the studio carrying papers and a bottle of hair dye.
LEGOLAS: He isn�t naturally blonde! See he uses herbal essesences hair die
CELEBORN: because it�s all natural!
GIMLI: come Galadriel, let us away! We shall flee from these dumb blondes�I�ve got a beard, wink, wink.
GALADRIEL: I have another confession to make�Celeborn; these aren�t the only ones�there are more
CELEBORN: WHAT THE F%@* are you talking about, �there�s more�
GALADRIEL: lets see if I can remember all of them�lets see, there was Haldir, and then that gil-galad guy he was sexy and kind of kinky, nice.
CELEBORN: but that was our thing Galadriel! I still have the chains!
GALADRIEL: is anyone here a marriage consultant, I want a divorce. And I want my chains back, please.
ENTER MERRY-ige CONSULTANT
MERRY: when did this behavior start Celeborn?
CELEBORN: I think it was when she brought gil-galad home to meet her mother and me. I thought there was something going on, and it wasn�t �pass the lembas please� at dinner.
MERRY: Galadriel is this true?
GALADRIEL: I don�t know, I think gil-galad was the 127th one�. I can�t recall, memory disappears with age, and I�m a couple thousand years, D@$%!
MERRY: and how many �were there�?
GALADRIEL: let me see�there was about 300 elves, 24 men, and 3 dwarfs, oh yeah a hobbit.
MERRY: S*^$ now I�m going to get in trouble with my wife!
CELEBORN: so that�s why Celeborn jr. was VERY short!
MERRY: wait a minute��Celeborn jr.��But you said I was your little sexy hobbit! THAT�S IT I�m OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!
ENTER PIPPIN
MERRY: F#%*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JERRY (to his camera crew): get your buts out there NOW! This could be good! This will make our ratings go through the ROOF! The roof, the roof, the roof, is on fire!�oh hi everybody. We�ll be right back wit some AMAZING fight footage�after the break.
COMERCIAL: are you tired of your wife having MANY MANY AFFAIRS???
COMERCIAL: than you need Merry�s mairage counceling service!
CEKEBORN: NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JERRY: �ok we�re back and with some AMAZING fight footage�wait that�s not fight footage�that�s me and my girlfriend�.crap! turn it off turn it off! Some deranged children are watching this!...Ok we�re back�where�s Galadriel?
GALADRIEL COMES OUT LOOKING FLUSTERED WITH HER DRESS ON BACKWARDS.
GALADRIEL: sorry Celeborn, I miscounted, 25 men.
CELEBORN: 25?? God, you are a whore!!! Who is it now????
GALADRIEL: Um� What are you talking about??
CELEBORN: Your dress is on backwards.
GALADRIEL: Celeborn, it�s a new fashion statement.
CELEBORN: Stupid humans and their fashion sense.. I mean, lack thereof.
TEEN GIRL IN THE AUDIENCE: Hey, Old man! You just shut your mouth, because no 1 gives a care �bout u! Just 'cause urn wife won�t give u the time o� day, don�t mean u can bash us! F#$% u, man. Go away, an� don�t come back l8r.
JERRY: I didn�t know you could verbalize internet slang.
MERRY�S SCREAMS ECHO THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO, CAUSING THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE TO JUMP.
MERRY: Help!! She�s trying to kill me!!
GALADRIEL: Last time I heard those screams, they sounded more joyful than afraid.
CELEBORN: (Gives Galadriel a weird look) WHAT?????
GALADRIEL: Nothing.
ENTER ARAGORN
ARAGORN: Galadriel, I need you, Baby. You make me so hot. Will you marry me?
GALADRIEL: NO! I just got a divorce from my last husband! All he did was tie me down, and� Okay, I kind of miss that, but he never let me have my way with other guys while he was around!
LEGOLAS: Kinky.
GIMLI: You�re still here, Elf?
LEGOLAS: You�re here, Dwarf-boy.
GIMLI: Who are you calling a boy?? That elf-queen made me a man� I mean, never mind.
LEGOLAS: EEWWW!!! I need a shrink. The mental images are not going away.
ENTER PIPPIN, THE SHRINKER.
PIPPIN: HI!!! I�m on TV, Diamond! Okay, so what are you doing now?
LEGOLAS: Mental images� not going away� must claw out eyes!!! Must kill�.DWARF!!!!!!!!!
PIPPIN: Okay, Legolas needs a visit from good old Dr. Straight jacket. And Gimli, I prescribe a bodyguard.
GIMLI: I�m a dwarf! I need no bodyguard!
LEGOLAS: Dr. Straight jacket? Not him again!!! Last time he only let me eat the little yellow pills mixed with the little blue pills, and that wasn�t fun. But the padded walls were fun! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! (Runs into a wall, smacking his head against the bricks.) OOWWWWWWWIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ENTER THRANDUIL
THRANDUIL: I have a message from Legolas�s father. He wants me to tell you that you�ve been disowned because of your insanity.
LEGOLAS: But you are my daddy! And I�m not crazy? I was crazy once!
ENTER ARWEN:
ARWEN: Not this again! He�s going to keep repeating that until the guys in charge of bringing him to the asylum get here!! Aragorn, what are you doing here?
ARAGORN: Ummm��.. Well, you see�. I was going to give you this! (Hands her the ring he proposed to Galadriel with.)
GALADRIEL: That�s mine!! You gave me that ring! You even asked me to marry you! Give me back my engagement ring!
ARAGORN: You said you didn�t want to marry� Celeborn. Therefore, I will not give you this ring, which is for my WIFE!
ENTER GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Ring? The Precious???
LEGOLAS: (Screams) Not my hair!! You can�t have it!!!
ARAGORN: Ooh,, Legolas�s hair� snippy snippy. Nah, now�s not the time. Maybe after I get out of the doghouse.
GOLLUM: The PRECIOUS!!!! (jumps on Galadriel, and starts ripping her clothes off.)
SAM: back, you devil!! (Grabs a fire hose, and hoses them both down. Gollum fies off with the blast of water, and Galadriel just gets very, VERY wet.)
ARAGORN: Holy S^$%!!! She�s even more hot now!!! I mean, that�s completely gross, isn�t it, Arwen dear?
JERRY: And you think that the doghouse is the worst of your problems?
ARWEN: (Chugs a can of soda from the vending machine, crsuhses the can on her forehead.) Hi, Honey. (evil look)
ARAGORN: Eep. Uh, bye! (runs off,as Arwen throws a chair at him.) MOMMY!!! Wait, Mommy�s dead! DADDYYY!! Daddy�s dead too. ELROND!!! Wat, I don�t want him! LEGOLAS!!!!!!!
GIMLI: o�.kay. Where did that come from?
FARAMIR IN THE AUDIENCE: Wow, Arwen�s pretty hot when she�s got an eveil look! And when she doesn�t. She�s really beautiful when she�s sleeping, or in the shower.
EOWYN: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?????????????????????? (pulls out her sword)
FARAMIR: to take a word from Aragorn, Eep.
EOWYN: (drags Faramir off by his ear)
FARAMIR: ooh, kinky!! Am I getting lucky tonight?
EOWYN: for you, lucky will be keeping your head!!!
FARAMIR: which one???
EOWYN: The one I�m holding right now!!
FARAMIR: again, which one?
EOWYN: The bigger one!
FARAMIR: again, WHICH ONE?
EOWYN: THE ONE UP NORTH!!
FARAMIR: D%#$!
EOWYN: pervert.
EOMER: What are you doing to my sister????
FARAMIR: hopefully not what you think I�m doing, because otherwise, you�re going to kill me. But if you�re not thinking that I�m trying to get some, then I�m ok.
EOWYN: Time to go home, now, Faramir!!
FARAMIR: Home? As in the bedroom? YEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
EOMER: WHAT THE H^%$!!!!!!!!!!! GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER!!!
FARAMIR: the more I try to escape, the more she comes after me!
EOMER: WHAT???
EOWYN: COME ON! WE�RE LEAVING!!! (drags him away.)
ARAGORN: And I thought I was in trouble!!
ARWEN: YOU ARE!!!! (grabs his ear)
ARAGORN: eep. (gets sragged off the stage by Arwen.)
EOMER: I�m leaving this hellhole.
HALDIR: I agree. Want to hit a bar?
EOMER: sure!! Only, you run into it first to soften it up.
HALDIR: You�re already drunk, aren�t you?
EOMER: Maybe�. (whispers near microphone) Don�t tell Uncle Theoden!!!! Wow, there�s an echo in here!!
HALDIR: yeah, there sure is. (shakes his head.) Come on, let�s go get wasted and pick up some chicks with Gandalf and earl, and the pot.
EOMER: okay.
(EXIT EOMER AND HALDIR)
LEGOLAS: my precious!!! No one can have my precious!!!
GIMLI: poor Legolas. Come here. (Gimli hugs Legolas, who is hiding in a corner. The two start to make out.)
JERRY: Get the camera away from them, please.
LEGOLAS: (in the background) Gimli, your beard tastes like Galadriel�s, um�. Well, you know�
GIMLI: what do you think I was doing during the commercial?
LEGOLAS: Want to go to Massachusetts and get married?
GIMLI: sure, I�ve got nothing better to do!
LEGOLAS: let�s see if little dwarves really DO spring out of holes in the ground!
EXIT LEGOLAS AND GIML, HOLDING HANDS.
GALADRIEL: I�m all wet, Celebron!
CELEBORN: (eyes her wantingly) I see that. (kisses her.)
GALADRIEL AND CELEBORN START MAKING OUT.
JERRY: okay, that�s our show. Tune in next time, when our topic will be, messed up elf and dwarf relationships. See the followup to today�s Legolas and Gimli marriage. Will it work out? Tune in and see! I�m Jerry Springer. Good night. (waits until the camera shut off.) And I though MY life was f%$#ed up!