New

Have you ever wanted to kill your parents? I mean really? I once found myself actually plotting my father's death. The summer before my final year in High School he took a new job and that meant we would have to move right across the country. I'd never hated him so much, never felt so angry. I thought maybe I could stay with someone locally until I graduated but we never managed to set it up. So I packed up my life and started over. At 18.

I was used to the big city. We moved to a much smaller place, not exactly a small town, but you know, one mall, one movie theater. There were two High Schools, one for the east, one for the west, and our new house was on the west. So off I went, first day final year, new girl. You know how it is in the movies, how the school heart-throb sees the new girl, and falls in love with her, and the popular girls befriend her and introduce her to everyone? Well, it was nothing like that. I was invisible. Just a nobody, trying to find where I had to go, getting funny looks because I was unfamiliar. I kept very quiet the first few days, just getting the feel of the place. Actually most people seemed OK, there was none of the jostling in the halls I was used to, and best of all I saw no sign of any gang problems. Maybe it wasn't SO bad.

But I missed my friends. I had no-one to talk to, and even the few people who did talk to me didn't really make much of an effort. What happened to the new girl being a source of interest? It turns out that my Dad's company were always bringing in people from outside and new kids arrived at that school all the time. No novelty. Great. Well, I had plenty of school work to occupy me, and I even switched one class after the first week. Now, in my English class, I found a really cute guy named Josh. To me he really stood out from the others, not just in looks but he wasn't such a jerk as most of them. I mean, he went along with their goofing around, but he seemed a bit more mature, he knew when to stop. So when we found ourselves sitting together one morning, I smiled at him a few times, and, eventually, he smiled back.

Then I, literally, ran into him on the Saturday while I was shopping. I was coming out a store, he was about to go in, and we collided. I recognized him and apologized, and he not only smiled, not only said "Hi" like he was pleased to see me, but actually stopped to chat. I guess we stood there about 5 minutes, but it felt like I'd been talking to him forever, and when he said he better go I was really sorry. Yes, I liked this one, I hoped we could get to know each other.

I must have looked happy when I sat down to supper because my family commented on it. They took the opportunity to quiz me on how school was going, had I made any friends etc, so I told them just one nice boy, and my brother giggled. Being into sports he'd slotted into place immediately, but as he wasn't yet in High School, it wasn't such a big deal to him.

So, I was just settling down to watch some TV, when the phone rang, and my mom said it was for me. I hadn't given anyone my number, so I was a bit confused, but whatever.

It was Josh. Where the hell did he get my number from?

"Well, my aunt is a school secretary, and she has access to the records from home, on her computer. I was there baby-sitting, so............"

"You hacked into the school records to get my number?"

"Not hacked exactly, she didn't even have a password on it, there was a shortcut, right on her desktop!"

I was actually rather impressed.

"I wanted to call you" he continued, "Because it's hard to talk at school. I really like you Sophie, and I'd like to see you tomorrow. If you want."

I had the feeling he'd been rehearsing that a bit, he sounded nervous, but I said yes immediately and he loosened right up. He said he lived nearby and we could meet somewhere or he'd come over. I opted for meet somewhere, and that somewhere was McDonald's. Hey, it may not be exactly the most romantic place, but at least it's air-conditioned.

We had fun. He was naturally funny, not loud or trying to be clever, but just a really cool guy. I don't think I'd ever found anyone I had so much in common with, and I don't mean just our tastes in music or TV or anything, but attitude, you know, how we look at life. He was really sympathetic about my big move, although he'd never done it, he'd lived in the same house all his life. I couldn't imagine that. With my Dad climbing the corporate ladder we'd moved about six times, but never long-distance before. He asked me what I wanted to do the rest of the day. Really, I was quite happy just hanging out, just talking, and the mall was nearby, so we went there. After a while he put his hand through mine while we were walking. I guess it was some kind of signal, not just to me, but to anyone he knew who we ran in to. What happened to the olden days when people announced "courtships"? At which point these days do you really know a guy is, for the time being, "yours". I guess it's when he holds your hand while shopping.

So we just hung around until the mall closed, and then we just hung around outside. I didn't want him to have to run the gauntlet of my family just yet, so we just walked the streets until it got dark, then he walked me home. My Mom was looking out the window, so she knew who I was with. I saw her, and she knew I saw her, so when he kissed me goodnight it was all quite open. Bet it wasn't like that in her day.

"He's cute", she said. Maybe it was BETTER in her day, when Moms didn't say stuff like that.

"He's a really nice guy too Mom, he's fun to be with. I'm really glad I met him."

"I'm pleased too actually honey, because I know how hard it is being the new girl. I wasn't quite as old as you when I switched High Schools, but it's a rough time."

Now why didn't she tell me that before? Maybe we should talk more. After all, I didn't have anyone else female to confide in. I guess I'd just got out of the habit of talking to her, we always used to. But she was usually so busy. Since moving she hadn't got a new job herself, and had more time for us. I liked it actually. Maybe now she'd find the time to finish teaching me to drive, so I could take my test, as she'd been promising for so long.

I guessed Josh didn't have his licence yet either, as he always walked everywhere. Well, it obviously kept him fit anyway, as he wasn't on any sports teams. He wasn't into that competitive thing, and when he wasn't seeing me, or doing schoolwork, he admitted to spending most of his time playing games and stuff on-line.

"Really" he said "I suppose I'm just a geek".

"You are so not." I told him. I made sure he got out and about anyway.

Neither of us had any money to do much, but at least we didn't stay inside all the time. That changed when the weather cooled off, but for then it was still OK, and most evenings we just walked and talked. I introduced him to my parents, and he would come in more often, and they seemed to like him.

When the leaves started to fall we just dressed warmer and stayed out less. I felt grown-up, somehow, having a relationship that wasn't part of a group, and we were talking of college and the future. It was like a new chapter in my life. I really felt that I should thank my Dad for bringing this to me.

The trouble with college was it would mean another move, a separation. I'd never known a relationship to survive that, not even couples who were engaged. It was still months ahead, but we were getting so very close. We had become an item, everyone at school just saw us like that. Two nobodies who never bothered anyone else, got along with everyone, but were best buddies with no-one. Good ordinary students, neither popular nor reviled. Forgettable. But always together. I tried not to think about it, but the time to apply soon came round.

Josh arrived with a pile of stuff to look through. I had another pile. We couldn't find anywhere that offered both the course he wanted, and the one I did. I briefly considered taking a different course just to be with him, but I knew that was unrealistic, because I'd known what I wanted to do since I was very young. Finally we found two colleges less than a half-hour's drive from each other, and also just an hour from home. We could do this. We'd be able to travel daily, maybe drive together, and be at home at weekends with enough time to see each other! Everything else looked right, we couldn't see any problems. And although it wasn't spoken, because the idea seemed impossible to both of us, I guess, it meant that if we split up our lives were still on track. So we applied.

I resumed my driving lessons with Mom. After her mock test I was so excited I rushed to tell Josh about it, and asked him when he was going to get his licence. He said he'd get round to it soon, and we left it at that. There was still plenty of time. But it was funny, like it didn't bother him. Maybe his Mom wouldn't, or couldn't, come up with the money, who knew. From what he said she wasn't really all that supportive. In fact, I wondered if maybe I'd be the one doing all the driving at college. My Dad bought me a car, that was cool. My own! I passed my test first time. So now we could go places. We went to the movies a couple of times, but Josh didn't really seem all that keen, I guess he was just paying more attention to me than the movie. I didn't exactly complain. I soon realized what a find I'd got in that respect. He loved to hug, how often do you find a guy like that.

He wasn't keen on TV either, but he never minded if there was something I wanted to watch. Sometimes he just went to sleep on my shoulder, like my Dad did on my Mom's. It was quite cute really, it made Mom laugh anyway.

I often went and picked him up if the weather was really bad. His Mom wasn't really very friendly, she would pick on him in front of me, and it made me very uncomfortable, so I didn't go in very often, but one night he said I had better come in, as his Mom wouldn't let him out until he'd done something for her. I was stuck. I didn't sit down, even after she urged me to, and I turned down coffee even though I was really thirsty. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife and I just wanted out of there. She made unpleasant conversation.

"So you guys have got it all worked out huh? I gotta hand it to you, I wouldn't stick it out if a guy wanted me to drive him around. I guess you like Mr Sensitive, they all do these days."

I heard Josh yell something about his Mom's taste in guys from the other room. She ignored him.

"Well, if he would only go get his licence, I said I'd pay for everything. I got it put away special. But no, he won't......."

Josh rushed in, silenced her with the announcement he was done, and hurried me out. I'd never seen him so wound up.

A little thunder cloud hung over him in the car. Nothing I said seemed to help, so I let him come out of it in his own time. He wasn't in any hurry. We'd made no real plans for the evening, and I decided to just find somewhere quiet to go, as eventually he'd want to talk. I was right.

It was one of those reproduction old-fashioned ice-cream places, it even played old music. Bright lights and lots of people coming in and out, but at least it was private, in its own way, and we took a booth, tucked away in the corner.

He sighed a lot.

"This is stupid." He said at last. "I'm putting myself through agony, and you too, and it's stupid".

I was terrified. I actually thought he was going to break up with me, right then and there. And when he held my hand, and hung his head, I was sure of it.

"Sophie, promise you won't laugh? I know you're not like that but......look, the thing is, I've been putting off going for my licence because I KNOW I won't pass."

It came as some relief, and for that reason, it actually was hard not to laugh. But I kept my face straight.

"How can you be so sure Josh? I was really nervous, but I passed. It's not that hard."

He took a really deep breath.

"No, no, I know, no, that's not it. I can't pass the eye test. I can't see shit Sophie. My life revolves around my schoolwork, because I can lean over that, my computer, because I can lean towards that, and you, because I can hold you close. I can't watch TV, I can't enjoy movies, I have no clue what's going on around me much of the time, and there's no way I could drive a car"

He still hung his head. I didn't know what to say. It did seem a bit stupid, I mean all he had to do was say something sooner.

"Does your Mom know?" I asked, and then realized I knew the answer.

"Yes, she does. I don't think she really knows how bad it is, but she knows."

"Didn't she offer to take you to a doctor?"

He ran his hand through his hair nervously, but at least he looked up at me.

"Take me? No. She says I'm old enough to take care of myself. It's a good thing I am, she doesn't." He looked bitter. I wasn't used to seeing him like this.

"But you're not taking care of yourself, are you?" I told him firmly. He shook his head. So I had to mother him, or something.

"Josh, take your life back. Look, I'll take you, there's a place on the way home from school. We'll go tomorrow OK?"

"Do I have a choice?" he asked, and laughed.

Part Two