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Any of you know the cemetery at Akoka, Yaba; down by UNILAG. Alright then, one day two primary school boys were
over the fence sharing peanuts which they had just stolen. They hid themselves completely out of sight, and one of
them split the peanuts equally by saying "One for you and one for me." It so happened that at that moment a young
man on his bicycle overheard them, and believed that it was the devil and the good Lord who were sharing the souls
of the deceased.

He sped off on his bicycle, frightened like he had just seen the ghost of Abacha. Still speeding, he met an old man
who stopped him and asked why he was so scared. The young man still looking over his shoulders, retold his encounter.
The old man then slapped the man so as to bring him back to his senses, told him that his story was the most
ridiculous story that he had ever heard. Then the old man asked to be taken to the cemetery so as to see for
himself.

When they got there both men could hear the voices from the cemetery still saying, "One for you, one for me." The
old man was taken aback; before the old man could understand what was going on, a voice from behind the wall said,
"O boy, this thing don finish-o, make we go get the nuts wey dey for road."

Though the young man was riding his bicycle, he couldn't catch up to the old man who ran so fast that he broke
Maurice Green's record.

===

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are
fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him,
"What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're
eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she
screams.

===
Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. "Yours is the tenth case I've treated;
the others all died."
===

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to
see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the
lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line,
and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must
be about 193 years old!"

===

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a
half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sir, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE MOTHER IN-LAW."

===

There was a very stinking goat ,and it was said that anybody that is able to stay with this goat for one hour will be
paid two million naira. So an ibo man quickly ran in (fast business), after two minuites he ran out. So a yoruba did
the same thing(comparing it with Lagos stink) . At this very time there was an hausa man who was passing by,so he
heard and went in. After about thirty minuites the goat ran out. The goat could no longer bear the stink of the hausa man.

===

It was when Zik and Abubakar went for Nigerian Independence, . So after having some coffee with Queen Elizabeth,
Abubakar wearing Agbada and Zik on coat. Abubakar told Zik that he is going to steal the gold spoon which they used
to take their coffee. And wearing big garment, no one noticed when he hid it inside his garment and Zik was thinking
how to steal his own gold spoon, but no way, so he stood up and announced to the crowd that he is going to perform
african magic. Everyone was so excited. Zik said he is going to throw his gold spoon in his pocket and they will find it
in another person's pocket. So at the end of the day, Zik went home with his own gold spoon and Abubakar with none.

===


A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally,
a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter
to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual Nigerian lawyer was in the
saloon and offered to translate the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried
under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

===

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach,
they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you
three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St.

Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht

cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries."

The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn.

"And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

===

After a long time a man decided to call his old friend who he hasn't spoken to in years.

Chike: Nna.. How now??, long tam no see you!

Chidi: Nna, I just dey o. Wetin dey happen now ?

Chike: I just dey. Abeg, I need your help for something...

Chidi: (grumbles) Na wetin?

Chike: I won borrow small money from una

Chidi: Hello? Hello? I can't hear u well o

Chike: I say ah need small money from una

Chidi: Hello? Hello? Dis line no clear o..

Chike: (yelling into the phone) Ah say come borrow me small money abeg!

Chidi: Hello? Hello??, I still can not hear you!

(The phone operator now butts in)
He said he wants you to borrow him money!

Chidi: NNA YOU WEY HEAR AM WELL GIVE AM THE MONEY NOW!

===

Kuffour, Mandela and Obasanjo were on a visit to Calabar to see the sights around here after CHOGM.

So, they went on an helipcoter. There were travelling to Obudu, and the pilot's son was also heading home on vacation. There happened to be about to crash due to bad weather and there were only four parachutes to take them. It was now a matter of who chooses first. Kuffour quickly picked one and down he went.

Mandela was still contemplating, when Obasanjo left. So Mandela asked the pilot, "what are we going to do now". And the pilot's response, "Don't worry, Obasanjo is with my son's school bag".

===

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker, from England, stood up:

"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker, from America, stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.

The third speaker, from Nigeria, stood up:
After last year conference I go house and tell my husband that I no go do him cooking, cleaning or go market for am again, and dat he go dey do am himself.
After the first day I no see anything. The second day sef, I see nothing. But after the third day, as the swelling begin go down, I start to see small small from my left eye


===

This guy is sitting outside on his verander when he sees his Nigerian neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox.
With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside. Five minutes later, the girl walks outside again to check her
mailbox. Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house. Another five minutes later, the girl
comes back outside to check her mailbox. After watching the girl check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is
pretty curious. When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, "What are you doing?"
She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got "1 New Message"."
 

===

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and
leaving the cat at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive
a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached
what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that SOB on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

More, yet to come...

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