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While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so
by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to
the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is
it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle
over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin
Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's
Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

On Thursday
There was one Naija guy in court during one of those fiercest bribery scandals.
Judge: Do you want to plead guilty in this case?
Man: I plead guilty
Judge: Very good
Man: Infact, I also want to admit that I acted foolishly.
Judge: How?
Man: If I had invested the N20 million to be a governor, I won't be appearing here before you

===
On Friday

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he
had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband
had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw
this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

===

On Saturday, Valentine's Day
There is a story of a man who went to hospital. On meeting the doctor, he told him he had some problems and asked
the doctor to promise him he won't laugh. No, in all my career I have never laughed at a patient. I won't, the doctor
promised. Just for the man to let down his trouser and what the doctor saw was the smallest ever private part he has
seen in all his life. The doctor couldn't withstand it and bursted into prolonged laughter for over 10 mins. When he
regained his composure, he said "I am really really sorry about that. I mean I didn't mean to. I apologize, So what's
the problem with it".
Patient: It's swollen

===

On Sunday
Una don hear of the church for Naija where on one communion day, the Pastor, who prefers to be called Thomas
performed very strang things. The man was just smiling that day, and it was their custom that they prayed till 6pm
and at exactly 6pm the communion was to be taken. But the man delayed the communion service till 6:30pm. These
guys were really hungry and were wondering what it was today.
The man then asked the ushers to bring in food and drink. To cut long joke according to its size, to everyone's
surprise the food were brought in silver plates, and right in it was rice, stew and good meat. Thomas said "this is my
body broken for you". The wine was brought in kegs. He then opened it while some fell on the floor filling the whole
room with the aroma of palm wine. Some of the elders of the church stood up immediately, protested and went for
the door. Just as they were at the door. The pastor exclaimed "What you have to do do quickly". Meanwhile one of
my very addict drunker (an elder though) was already on his third cup - not cup actually because the wine was put in
local cups, making situations worse. But like the Pharisees, the elders who protested couldn't resist and tip-toed back,
meeting the smiling and mysterious notorious pastor.

===

You know in UK where roads are numbered. There was this State Policer Officer waiting to catch speeding drivers, he
sees a car puttering along at 22 km/hr. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five Nigerian ladies --
two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?" Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving
slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two km an hour!" the old woman
says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed
limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you
go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered
a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
119."

===

The Scott's Pocket Watch
These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his
pocket to check the time.
"That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other.

"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the watch.

"Really?"

"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."

===

The teacher asked his student, “How are you getting on with your exams?”
“Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!"

===

Mary: Bob says I'm ugly, but then James says I'm pretty. What do you think Johnny?

Johnny: A bit of both. I'd say you're pretty ugly.

===

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car, his
father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up
in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys."

===

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer
made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare.
Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no
one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

===

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other
drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing
for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our
argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked
at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
===

Atiku is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and
says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Atiku laughs and says,
"What kind of kittens are they?" "PDP's" the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Atiku says and he runs off. A couple of
days later, Atiku is running with his buddy, Obasanjo and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Atiku says
to OBJ, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Atiku says, "Look in the box
OBJ, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend OBJ what kind of kittens they are." The
boy replies, "They're ANPP's"
"Whoa!" Atiku says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were PDP's. What's up?" "Well," the kid says,
"Their eyes are open now."

===

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I
will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again
granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

===

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last
time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months
later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and
was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time".

===

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.Then, this
big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man
crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss,
outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could
do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left
my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to
this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

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