| Week 27 Aug - 3 Sept 2005 Are we satisfied of who we are? I keep thinking to myself that I am no longer as beautiful as I once was. Has age finally catch up with me when I'm 24? I think that I'm fat. I can't fit to most clothes I have but still I hope one day to fit into them again. My sex drive take a plunge as I don't feel sexy anymore. I look in the mirror and I see my flabby stomach stacking on top of each other. Why does losing these fats have to be so difficult? Najib thinks i look fine. I hate who I am and it does not help that your boyfriend cannot understand that. For all you normal people out there, 'fat' label clothes are expensive too! |
| Nicole's Feature Writing |
| Journal Part 3 |
| Whatever it is, I want the person I love to understand how depress it is that we overweight women can't fit into our clothes that we love. It is not easy to accept the fact that I have a weight probleIT IS NOT ENOUGH just for him to think that I look good. It is just not enough. Sometimes, I must admit, I DO NOT appreaciate his assurance. It is my self esteem that is plunging and YES, I do want to fit into my skinny jeans again. I want to be able to find clothes that fit me and not visiting certain 'fat' labels all the time. Stop asking us to eat less, 'cos we do eat less, just that the fat does not burn that fast. So guys, try to understand why we do not appreciate your reassurance sometimes. We know what we are fat, and it is not helping that you don't understand that. |
| Week 12 - 18 September 2005 I'm SO done with being fat. I kinda start doing something seriously about it. For a start 30 sit-ups everyday. Tues go for Pilates, Thursday go for Netball and squeeze in my leftover slimming session twice a week. I'm already feeling much better about myself. If it helps at all, one rather cute student in NTU took a second look at me. I mean that's definately an improvement from NO ONE. Quite pathetic and I don't care if anyone thinks I am. Now another huge thing! I have a crush. Yes, I'm attached and Yes, I'm gonna get married soon but hey, you don't force a crush on yourself y'know. Even married women have crush on handsome guys once in a while. I think that's healthy. It shows that your hormones are still capable of jumping around!At least you know that you won't be aging anytime soon with your hormones still raging. I don't even think that he is that cute but when I see him, I have butterfly in my stomach. I think of him sometime and I want to tell him how I feel Well...even if he knows that I'm attached. Is it really wrong for women like me to develop a crush on some else? Does that mean that I love my boyfriend any less? Deep in my heart, I'll say no. I love my boyfriend all the same. But I don't understand why I feel this way. I really want to tell him how I feel and see that reaction from him. He might tell me off, he might say that he never feel the same for me, and worse of all he might never talk to me again. But you know what? May that's what I need to get over this... |
| Week 3 - 9 October 2005 What happens when it strikes you one day that you must leave the man you love so that he will be happy? What does a girl do when she realise that she is the reason of his misery? It hurts right into the bottom of my heart. As I hear Najib talks to me today that he was afraid to lose his family because of our differences in religion, I finally get it.This is the battle that I cannot win. My friends told me that what I wish for or hope for just WILL NOT come true. They were right. I thought that our love will conquer it all. Why do I let myself be so naive? What happen to the Love Sceptic Nicole? I don't need people to tell me that! I am the mother of all sceptism and hell forbids! I can't even convince myself that it is all bullshit! I was the loser since the beginning. Which part of LOSER could I not spelt out since 1.5 years back? What now? I'm so lost. Waste more time, or move on and finally move out. Here I am planning to get a home for us, plan our marraige solemnisation, our wedding. It's so typical of a woman isn't it? Always making plans, erasing all possibilities that it will not work out. He is no longer the man who will stand up for me. He no longer reassures me that everything will turn out fine. Ironically, here I am promising him he will not lose his family, that everything will turn out fine, reassuring him that I'll not let anything bad happen to him. But who then will be reassuring me that this marriage will work out, that he will put me before his family when bad things happen and telling me everything will be okay. Who? It's just me alone then. I finally woken up from my dream that seems to go on forever. I realise that now. That in the end it is just me left fighting for myself. This relationship is not mine forever. Promises can fade away when challenge with obstacles such as religion. I'm never gonna win and the man that I thought will protect me from it all is not strong enough to fight against all odds. I'm drowning in tears of disappointment. I hope one day I find the man who can truly protect me. |
| Week 17 - 23 October 2005 I'm so bored at my workplace that I could just die. I stare longingly at the clock hoping it will be 4.30pm soon so I can just get out and stop getting bored. I cannot ask for more than this. I doing the job that I love but I lack of social interaction. It's killing me! I'm at work with no one to talk to. I have lunch by myself if Najib doesn't come to pick me up. I have things to do but I'm just so stale mentally that all my brain cells are getting burnt out! Many people will want to be in my job where there are no bosses around., work in a clubhouse and have an assistant to do the mundane stuff for you. There is just an amount of social interaction which is missing. Maybe that's what make life so hard. |
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