July 9, 2005
Conservative Ed
I’ve been a conservative less than a week and already I have many exciting events to report.
Monday I was thrilled to evict some old people from their homes. Technically I had no right to do so since I didn’t own any of the property. But you’d be surprised how many people will obey you when you are white, male and conservative. Some might complain about the cruelty of my actions but the truth is those people shouldn’t have been old in the first place.
Tuesday me and a couple of buddies burned a black church. I don’t think there was anybody inside but for obvious reasons we couldn’t stick around to make sure. Now I know what you’re saying. You’re concerned about me getting caught. Not to worry, a vast conspiracy protects me. I might have to eventually pay a small fine but that’s about the worst thing that could happen.
Wednesday I shot some traitors. I’m an open minded type of guy. I can respect liberal scumbags who oppose the Iraq war. And I’m all in favor of free speech. But when they say that stuff out loud it crosses a line and something must be done.
Thursday I concentrated on giving tax cuts to the rich. Most folks don’t realize there are relatively few rich people and big businesses. That’s why the rich and big business must be protected, kind of like endangered species.
I’m sorry to have to end my report so soon but this week has been a whirlwind. George Bush has been ringing the phone off the hook offering favors. Dick Cheney is almost as bad. I don’t know how to change the oil in my own car but suddenly I’m in charge of a multitude of companies with fat government contracts regarding oil in the middle east.
I must conclude being conservative, male and white is like a magical formula. I can’t believe how much money and power I have accumulated since my conversion. If I may brag a bit, I am already in a position to oppress hundreds of people and hope to grow those numbers exponentially in the coming days.
I’m still white and the future is bright. I promise I’ll keep you posted.
- Ed Powell