July 4, 2005
New Light
After my recent conversion to liberalism my family, conservatives that they are, had me kidnapped and sent to Guantanamo Bay for reprogramming. I was detained indefinitely for practically a week! I was really disappointed. I felt I was serving the greater good by practicing my new found liberalism. Progressing in my personal life too. I read some books. I even watched a Wayne Dyer show on PBS.
At Guantanamo Bay I was beaten savagely. And made to read the Quran five times a day. And if I didn’t face east during all this I was not given full credit. Things got ugly. Although I must admit my captors gave me a really soft rug to kneel on and an expensive hardback version of the Quran. The weirdest thing was the guards seemed especially jumpy any time I flushed the toilet. Never did figure that one out.
During one interrogation it had to be close to 80 degrees in the room. And there was no fan. I’m a hot natured guy. There was no ice in the pitcher of water provided me. I passed out. And damned if I didn’t go through that tunnel toward the bright light again! Man, what are the odds of this happening to me twice?
Arriving, I expected to again find a giant glowing FDR in a giant golden wheelchair. In his place sat a giant golden, but somewhat more tarnished, Richard Nixon. "Where’s FDR?" I blurted out. "He’s on break" barked the giant Nixon. "Got any <expletive deleted> cigarettes?" I cringed. I had not expected to return so soon and had neglected to purchase any. I confessed as much with more than a vague sense of guilt.
"Go back to earth!" he cried. "Your work there is not finished."
"I hate this <expletive deleted> place!" he continued. "Not only do all the liberals want to outlaw smoking but I have to deal with that <expletive deleted> Reagan now that he’s here. All he does is chop wood and brag about winning the cold war. I hate him."
I have no memory of the next eighteen minutes. When I came to I was back in the interrogation room. Someone had added ice to the pitcher of water and the thermostat had been adjusted. I soon felt better. I was savagely beaten and returned to my cell for Quran reading and prayer. That night, for supper I had the best blackened catfish I’ve ever eaten.
Like I said I was there almost a week before I cracked. I was then returned to the mainland where my lost rights were restored to the level of lost rights the rest of Americans enjoy. Now that I’m back in mainstream society I believe God wants me to be a conservative so I can support huge new government agencies and secret police forces in defense of our freedom. I believe it’s the right thing to do.
I’ll keep you posted on how this works out.
- Ed Powell