Éamonn's Homepage

College Humour

This is basically a collection of all the funny college stuff people have emailed me over the past year, if you have any good ones my address is [email protected] and if anyone is offended - don't blame me i didn't write them.

ARTSLIFE

To the tune of Park Life by Blur....

Laziness is a preference to the
habitual voyeur of what is known as
ARTSLIFE!
A morning lecture can be avoided if
you take the route straight through what is known as
ARTSLIFE!
John's got too little work, he gets
intimidated by the dirty engineers,
they love a bit of it!
ARTSLIFE!
Who's that idiot working, you
should cut down on your science life mate,
get back to bed!

Allllllllll my lectures
My two-oo lectures
I some-times go to them
Go to them in my
ARTSLIFE!

Know what I mean?

I get up when I want, except on
Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the cleaner
ARTSLIFE!
I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea,
and I think about leaving the bed
ARTSLIFE!
I play pool, I sometimes play
Daytona too, it gives me an enormous sense
of having done something
ARTSLIFE!
And then I'm happy for the rest of
the day, safe in the knowledge that there
will always be another grant cheque devoted to me

Alllllllll my lectures
My two-oo lectures
I some-times go to them
Go to them in my
ARTSLIFE!

Its got nothing to do with your 9
o'clock lectures you know
And its not about your lecturers
who go on and on and on and on.....

Alllllllll my lectures
My two-oo lectures
I some-times go to them
Go to them in my
ARTSLIFE!

The Exam Time Song

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified!
Kept thinking I could never pass
with no revision guide,
But then I spent so many nights,
getting all the questions wrong,
And I grew strong,
And I learned I could scrape along,

I won't look back, to any place,
When I can swallow 15 cans
and get completely off my face,
I would have revised around the clock,
I would have had no spare time free,
If I'd thought for just one second
my exams would bother me,

So all my notes, are on the floor,
Don't even matter... that there's no rock night anymore...
Weren't you the one who tried to get me to revise?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd work towards the skies?

Oh no, not I!
I won't revise!
Unless I die of beer stains,
I know I'll stay alive,
Though my money's at an end,
I've my overdraft to spend,
I won't revise,
I won't revise!!

It took all the strength I had,
not to act the part,
But in the end my real revision didn't even start.
I used to sit at home at night,
feeling guilty to myself,
I used to try,
but now I hold my head up high,

And you see me! Somebody new!
I'm not that mixed up wierd bloke
who wants a good 2:2
So if you feel like dropping in,
chances are that I'll be free,
Coz I've done sod all revision,
and I'm failing my degree,

Oh no, not I!
I won't revise,
I think that I may scrape a third,
but I could be telling lies!
Let the lecturers all storm,
My bed's far too nice and warm,
I won't revise,
I won't revise,
Oh dear!

How many students?

• How many UCC students does it take to change a light bulb?
  Two, one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
• How many DCU students does it take to change a light bulb?
  Eleven, one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.
• How many Tralee IT students does it take to change a light bulb?
  None, Kerry doesn't have electricity.
• How many UCD students does it take to change a light bulb?
  Two, one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
• How many WIT students does it take to change a light bulb?
  Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
• How many Athlone IT students does it take to change a light bulb?
  None, Westmeath looks better in the dark.
• How many Trinity students does it take to change a light bulb?
  One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
• How many UL students does it take to change a light bulb?
  Three, one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
• How many Sligo IT students does it take to change a light bulb?
  All of them, they've got nothing else to do anyway.
• How many CIT students does it take to change a light bulb?
  Two, one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as any UCC student could.
• How many Tallaght students does it take to change a light bulb?
  Two, one to change the bulb and to complain about how if they were at a better college the lightbulb wouldn't go out.
• How many DIT students does it take to change a light bulb?
  Seven, one to change the lightbulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.

The Real College

Things you wish you knew before college
This is true no matter which school you went to :
Before I came to college I wish I had known . . . . . . .

• That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd sleep through it anyway.
• That I could change so much and barely realize it.
• That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
• That college kids throw airplanes too.
• That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
• That every clock on campus shows a different time.
• That if you were smart in high school, so what?
• That I would go to a party the night before a final.
• That I could sleep until 12:55 and still make my 1:00 class.
• That my best friend is the worst roommate.
• That you can know everything and fail a test.
• That you can know nothing and ace a test.
• That I would never watch the news, and I would be totally out of touch with the world happenings.
• That Home is a great place to visit, But I wouldn't want to live there.
• That the more money your parents give you, the less you have every time you check your account!!
• That parties get old, and sometimes you just want to kick back and watch a movie.
• That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
• That friendship is more than getting drunk together, but I met most of my friends through drinking.
• That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.
• That the free food server until 10 is gone at 9:50.
• That you could be totally broke, but still have enough to go to a bar!
• That I would go home every weekend my Freshman year.
• That I would laugh at all the Freshman going home every weekend my Senior year.
• That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
• That Psychology is really Biology.
• That biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math.
• That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
• That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.
• That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!
• Don't be dismayed at good-byes, A farewell is necessary before we can meet again,
  and meeting again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

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