- Pants finds political intrigue and Artistic Directors with filthy mouths.
Queensburg, long known for its friendly citizens, polluted air and way too many banks, is beginning to build a reputation as a bustling theatre center, according to mayor Corey McPaddy. �We could rival Minneapolis, all we really need is more money and more people. More theatres and more funding initiatives. Maybe cleaner air and a few more Starbucks�. But we�ve got lots of parking!�*
Anton Cerrattahere, Artistic Director of the Barn Theatre, agrees. �There�s lots of parking downtown. Sorry, uptown. If you�re going to start a theatre revolution, the first thing you�re going to need is parking. Then some kickass shows that make people go, �Woah, what the fuck?! My God, what is this fucking life? Who can say who�s sane and who�s insane? What�s the fucking point of it all?! Where do dreams begin and reality end? How do you quantify the human experience, I mean the whole fucking doomed second of cosmic time, you know? On a universal scale, we�re barely a speck on a piece of dust skittering across a forgotten shadow of a monumental galactic chasm, flaring in a dying spark and sputter, our last pitiful gasp of despair hardly audible to the closest weary divine spirit, lost in its own memories of incarnation after wasted incarnation, illustrating to itself briefly in one already forgotten moment the infinite, purposeless repetition of life and death, waking and sleeping, inhaling and exhaling, until out of sheer, sorrowful emptiness, even the Divine allows itself the gift of nothingness and breaths its last into darkness. And all. All is black�� but it all starts with the parking.�*
After parking, of course, is the task of getting butts in the seats. Mitchell Shrub, Artistic Director of Queensburg Rep, knows this challenge, and is prepared to meet it head-on. �For our next season, we�re bringing back some old favorites, you know, crowd pleasers and also new works that will bring our audience to a comfortable place on the cutting edge � you know, edgy, but not too edgy. Like formica. And we�ll be giving them some familiar faces, some of our new shows will attract audience and provide an opportunity for local talent, like our upcoming all-nude musical version of �Inherit the Wind.� There will be demanding parts, of course, but lots of chorus roles for members of the jury, observers in the court, you know, who don�t have to act so much as just really know how to shake their cans. I mean who doesn�t like showtunes and big hooters? It�s a win-win.�*
And what do you do once you get butts in the seats? According to Del Chipper, Producing Artistic Director for Performer�s Theatre of Queensburg, you slap that ass and slap it hard. �I like to think of our season as kind of grabbing a cat by the tail, a stuffed cat mind you, and just beating that fucker against the furniture, you know, I mean you�ve got these genteel folks in the audience who still remember getting over the whole �Angels in America� thing, and you just take �em and go �BAM! People getting their thumbs cut off. BAM! Gay man killed on a fence post. BAM! Giant fake tits and rotten toes! BAM! Cheerios stuck to a naked ass. BAM! Hedwig and the BAM! Angry! BAM! Inch! BAM! I mean, after a while, they�re so disoriented, they don�t know what the hell they�re watching. That�s when you throw a fun party and ask �em for money.�* Shane Danstacker nods in agreement. �And wait�ll you see the line-up for next season. It�s BATTY! Ha ha ha� heh. Are we done here?�*
Another approach to building audience is to get them while they�re young. I asked Dexter Kneebuster, Artistic Director of Kid�s Theatre of Queensburg, which has been operating in the black now for years, just what is the secret to their financial success and growth. �Is that thing recording? No? Good. Well, just between you and me� (he laughs an evil laugh) � For years, we�ve been systematically fleecing the citizens of Queensburg-Mecktropolis like docile sheep and making them thank us for it. I saw the potential in this theatre years ago, I mean parents will throw away all kinds of money to keep their brats occupied. Kids are the most profitable commodity there is, next to donuts."
"If you�re dealing in kids, you don�t just get money from the parents, you can milk the school system, the local government, private endowments, it�s like a river of money. Throw in some bullshit multi-cultural reference, you know, African this, urban that, and the money just pours in! We used to kiss the ass of the Arts and Silence Committee, but now WE call the shots. They know their logo in our program is what keeps them in business and they do whatever we say! And you know who made all this happen? Me! I�m the one who saw the potential. I�m the one who manipulated the weak-willed and the ambivalent from the outside! And when the moment was mine, I made my move! They thought I was mild-mannered! They thought I was a goofy clown! But I am the secret supreme master! The assimilator! They will ALL be assimilated! This year I take over the libraries! Next year, the local police! Soon it will all be mine! The Orenthal! Cable TV! Car dealerships! The Pizza Hut franchise! I will be King of all I survey and you will kneel before me! Dexter! Ruler of VisionPlex! (a loud, evil laugh) Compassionate destroyer! Protector of the children. Benevolent leader of the realm. Ah� what was the question? Oh! Developing audience. Yes, just put, �We delight in introducing children of every age and cultural tradition to the magic of theatre,� blah blah blah, some bullshit like that, whatever. Say, who do you think would make a better trophy wife for my rule? Avril Levigne or Britney? Britney�s out isn�t she? Damn. I liked her Pepsi commercial. I also like colored socks. Do my elbows look big to you?�*