- And other songs to sing around the campfire on election day.
by E. Al Pants
Whenever I witness the hoopla surrounding elections, predictably slack-jawed that Republicans continue to take public office (whether legitimately elected or not), I am inevitably dumbfounded that the third largest party in the country is not the Green Party, or even the Beer Party, but the whacko Libertarian Party. My guess is that people hear the name and think, �Oh, Liberty, well that�s nice, I�m all for that,� and never stop to find out what it�s all about.
Libertarians are not only crazy, but incredibly dangerous. I cannot go so far as to say that it�s the gun-nut, psycho militia party, because they are careful not to identify themselves as gun-nut psycho militia freaks per se, at least not in their literature, though your average gun-nut psycho militia shithead will, by and large, proudly call him or herself a Libertarian, be cause the central credo of Libertarians is to let people do what they want, i.e. have no laws limiting (or infringing upon as they like to whine) the sale, ownership, and possession of guns. Now I don�t have to tell you why guns should be illegal, because I�ve already had that entire debate in my head and I won, though I�m not going to bother wasting my time telling you how, but it had something to do with pumpkin pie.
Sure, there are Libertarians who say they have no gun agenda, disenfranchised liberal intellectual revolutionaries who have had nowhere to go with their disgruntlement since the sixties, so they become the gunless poster children of the Libertarian Party, giving it a deceptively liberal, intelligent face. But make no mistake, Libertarianism is the drooling bastard love child of Hitler and Stalin, Fascism dressed as the Leaderless People, backwoods militants, stockpiling canned food and mercenary magazines while they crumple the constitution and the Bible together, not understanding either and worshipping both as a self-designed paper deity with whatever personality they decide to project upon it.
Or, they�re just people who hate paying taxes. The truth is, they are a political anathema, extreme, but neither liberal nor conservative, yet both. If the political spectrum were a football field, with the Republicans on one forty-yard line and the Democrats on the other, the reactionaries and revolutionaries in respective end-zones and the moderates at the fifty-yard line, the Libertarians would be somewhere near the pretzel-warmer at the concession stand.
Either way, Libertarianism is built around a single, faulty premise; that people in general can be trusted to handle themselves responsibly around other people. Well, one morning commute in the city ought to show you that�s full of shit. If people can�t be trusted with turn signals, how can they be trusted to conduct themselves socially without some form of policing or restraint? I don�t trust these people with their fucking SUV�s, I sure as hell don�t trust them with automatic weapons. If you think people in general are intelligent and responsible, take a look at what movies and music are popular. People are trusted to watch whatever kind of television they want and what do they choose? Survivor and American Idol. Screw that. Most people are stupid and selfish and they need government to keep them in line. Period. I don�t mind submitting to a few laws if those same laws are going to keep the psychos hiding in the woods where they belong.
After a few more years of deforestation, they�ll have nowhere to go.
In spite of the freaks, the Libertarian Party has attracted a few unfortunate normal, intelligent people, perhaps looking for a fun way to protest the evils of the Republicans and the milquetoast of the Democrats, Dave Barry seems to be championed as a prominent Libertarian, as has one of my favorite actors, the narrator of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre himself, John Laroquette. I know these guys aren�t crazy, in fact, I think they�re both extremely cool and sharp as tacks, so I can only imagine they�re dazzled by the opportunity to reduce a powerful government run amok, especially now that Herr Ashcroft has been promoting his new Fourth Reich Agenda and the complexities of the electoral college, a faulty judicial system and a few creatively placed roadblocks have allowed a moronic, walking piece of shit to be illegally placed in the white house to pose as president for four years. Who wouldn�t be fed up with the system? And what can the flaccid Democratic Party do about it? So far, nothing, especially when the most characteristic attribute of a Democrat seems to be staying home on Election Day. This is how intelligent and creative people wind up in the same party as fuck-ups in fatigues who like to use ATF agents for target practice � they both hate a complicated government that everyone knows is in need of an overhaul.
This is why I endorse the Green Party. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha� no seriously.