- American middle aged guys everywhere shaking their heads in confused embarrassment.
by E. Al Pants
In what came as no surprise to women across America, but a huge, shocking disappointment to countless middle-aged men who had held on to the unlikely hope that her attractive young frame held the soul and personality of a savvy, naughty young woman who was a little too wise in the ways of the world, Britney Spears spoke in an interview this month, revealing the personality of a na�ve, teenager who barely had the intellectual muscle to form sentences.
Men across the country hung their heads in deep embarrassment for ever having a single inappropriate thought about the gum-chewing, stammering mental midget, who came across in the interview as a sexless, bubble-headed middle-schooler whose logical prowess would be taxed to the limit by determining what socks to wear on a given day. One such disillusioned male was Nate Slap, a 36 year-old loan processor from Des Moines, who, although happily married, had harbored occasional inappropriate thoughts about Spears since happening upon her �Baby One More Time� video in 1998.
�Well, just fleeting thoughts, you know,� stammered Slap, �I mean I�m not a perv or anything, but jeez, just look at her.� Slap�s admiration of Spears changed, though, when he accidentally saw her CNN interview. In it, the camera focused on her for uncomfortably long periods while she struggled to pay attention to the hapless interviewer and grasp the meaning of the questions before braying out each embarrassing, ridiculous answer. �My God, it was pathetic,� said Slap, sadly.
CNN apparently had no apology for, or shame in carrying the interview as a top news feature even as violence continued in the Middle East and Africa, and news stories of murder and social upheaval littered the front pages of domestic newspapers. Viewers across the nation, who tuned in to CNN in the hopes of catching up on vital international news updates were instead forced to wait out the interminable interview and listen to Spears� vapid and insipid observations.
In the CNN interview, Spears asserted that the kiss was fairly spontaneous. According to CNN.com, she said the singers had played around during rehearsal and Madonna had told her they would "just feel it out and see what happens" during the performance.
Slap admits that even though he�s been a long time fan of both pop stars, he�s never actually heard them sing, at least not that he recalls. �I suppose I really don�t pay attention to their voices when the videos are on. But I�m pretty sure Christina knows how to sing more notes. She doesn�t wear jeans very often, which is one of the things I used to like about Britney. Of course now it�s a little uncomfortable to think about Britney�s ass. I wish I hadn�t heard her talk. At least not so much. You know maybe just a word or two about Pepsi and some laughing would have been good.�
But Spears said much more. When asked if she felt there was any kind of shift in the way her fans perceived her from three years ago, when she had more of a �clean living� image, she stared blankly and then blurted between gum-smacking sounds, �I think I'm still clean living. That's� I mean I don't go home and have orgies or anything like that.�
�Even if you tried to ignore her foul misuse of grammar, her statement reeks of trying to incite the same kinds of dirty fantasies her Catholic schoolgirl video was supposed to
�Of course, the worst thing for me was her politics, or I guess what was supposed to pass as politics,� whined Slap incredulously. "I mean, maybe it bothered me more than other people, I don't know. They asked her a question about media stars and their support or criticism of the crap that lying idiot in the Oval Office has done to the country and the rest of the world." Apparently at that point, Spears leaned backward, possibly hoping the momentum would jostle her brain and lend coherence to her desperately jumbled thoughts...