I was walking through the park yesterday, as you do when you want to get some �fresh� air. Well its about as fresh as the air that comes out of my arse when I fart thanks to all the traffic going down the road, but never mind. So I saw this old man walking by the play ground � incidently he was in your age range Emma and balding � he had a dog with him, which he decided to let off the lead. The dog then ran off, jumped over the fence and got hit by an oncoming lorry. It reminded me of life really. As soon as you give women an inch they run a mile. Just a pity there is never a 12 tonne articulated lorry heading in their direction to sort them out good and proper.

Women come (well ok they tend not to, they just fake it) in 2 categories. They are either way too clingy and want to get you down the aisle quicker than that fat one from pop idol will flop, or they play with your emotions, drag you through a hedge backwards and then at the end of it walk off without a care in the world leaving you a broken wreck.

Talking of that pop idol winner, what the hell were the British public thinking? She will have 1 number 1 single, then never be seen again, and thank god for that. Why should I put up with her on my TV when I can turn over to Hollyoaks or something equally ace. Having said that even Hollyoaks has to have a token munter to stop the fat people of Britain protesting en masse, and what a mass it would be. Anywho, I digress.

My first proper girlfriend for instance would have had me saying I do before I hit the ripe old age of 17. We hadnt been going out a month and she was talking kids and stuff, i mean what the f*ck?! I was still playing with my transformers, I didn�t want any little brats coming along to take them off me. I seriously think she had gone loopy. Maybe she had some kind of inverse PMT where she had 3 good days a month. PMT, what the hell is all that about?! Just some frigging excuse to get out of whatever they want. Do you ever here a bloke say �oh sorry luv, having an off day, my testosterone levels are a big wokey today�?? So what if your bloody hormones cycle so that you have a bit extra Oestrogen every so often, god gave you breasts, you should never be in a bad mood! The only reason you keep us around is because you cant live without a dick. Even lesbians need to artificially reproduce us, they can�t resist the urges.

Back to the biatches that have stomped through my life. Oh I got rid of the first one by the way, remember Eminem�s song Stan, think of that. So the next in line was the complete opposite, well not quite, she wasn�t a slapper exactly more of an upper class man eater, or Biatch horribilus as they were known in the Roman days. So these girls lure you in with whatever they can. They show you a bit of leg, rub you up in the right places etc. They when you think you are getting somewhere they suddenly go all cold again. Why? What? Eh? What the f*ck is all that about?! One minute they are all over you then the next they are an ice queen. If they didn�t like you in the first place why did they bother with you? I reckon its some kind of new sport to see which bitch can lead her man on for the longest time, some kind of sick hybrid of fishing and fox hunting. Its just plain evil. The problem is though us guys don�t cotton onto it early enough, we fall for the excuses such as PMT and headaches to get out of �things�, then when they come back the next day they are as sweet as pie. Not american pie mind, you wouldn�t want to eat that, you don�t know where its been. They drive you fecking crazy and tie you all up in knots so you don�t know whether you are coming or going. WHY OH WHY OH WHY??? At least when we don�t want to get in contact with you we just don�t ring, but you have to drag it out for weeks and months, sponging everything you can off us.

Then you the special case of Biatch horribilus, those that already have a �boyfriend�, who no doubt will be spat out in a few weeks time, when they have got what they wanted. They don�t bother telling you about him though do they. You think she only has eyes for you, those big ones she is batting in your direction, and oh my god that�s her hand on your thigh, oh oh oh ahhh that�s the right place. So yes, she is coming onto you and tells you that you are the one and only for her. But wait, she forgot to mention her 6ft5 bodybuilder of a boyfriend. When he finds out he doesn�t care that it was all her fault, all he wants is a bit of target practice. The world has never heard such a loud scream. Even Jonny Vegas getting a wedgy couldn�t have created a greater commotion.

One swift kick in the bollocks and I was done with him.

That�s another advantage women have, they dont get half the pain when kicked down there. All this crap about period pains or giving birth, YOU HAVE NEVER FELT REAL PAIN! Even the great Arnie would be brought to tears if he took a blow down there, and not even a sexy female terminator could take him down.

So all of this brings me to the conclusion that women are more trouble than they are worth. Don�t let your bitch off the leash, it will only end in tears.