The
Granola Bar Chronicles: Chewy’s Tale, or Lack Thereof
By Queen
Aragorn again
In case you
don’t know, patchouli is an aphrodisiac for men and ylang-ylang is one for
women. Scared now?
Mary, if
you’re reading this, DON’T. Brian, ditto. Just click
the nice X in the corner so I can continue living.
Chapter
Four
"Go talk
to him!" Erica urged. "Look, he’s sitting there all my himself!"
Homi shrugged. "I don’t know. He doesn’t look ready to
talk."
"Nonsense!" Erica snapped. "Go over there and show
him what you’re made of! Which ISN’T granola!"
Homi took off her white lab coat, praying fervently that she was
wearing a lacy tank top and not the ‘Luv 2 B
Promiscuous’ tee shirt that Helen had given her before The Big [Granola Bar]
Split. Which, come to think of it, had been Chewy’s own fault. Not that he was any the wiser, of
course. They had chosen not to tell him what they knew of his creation. Not
until they could get their hands on the records locked deep in the vault on
"I
can’t," she whispered. "Remember what he is! Remember what I
am!"
"Homi," said Erica, in the tone of one who was about to
make a tear-jerking, life-changing speech about the theme of the story,
"at the end of the day, what does it matter if one person is granola –
Bulgarian granola, I might add – and the other flesh and blood? What does it
matter if one knows shocking secrets about the other’s creation and is keeping
them to herself for the sake of saving lives? If it’s love, Homi,
nothing can stand in the way. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. And
prolonging it only means that Helen will get in a few steamy nights with him
first."
Her friend
considered this. "Helen gets in a few steamy nights with everybody. And
besides, isn’t she the one withholding his granola bar?"
Erica
shrugged. "Fine. Pine away. See if I care."
She groaned. "Hold on. I have to go pry Brian away from the mirror."
Homi grimaced. "What is he DOING to his reflection?"
"It
would be best not to ask," advised the Oracle.
~~~~~~~
Rachel peered
anxiously over Marley’s shoulder as the bus swerved from side to side.
"Are you sure you know what you’re doing?" She felt very small and
alone without her rock to squeeze.
Marley nodded
with an air of smug confidence. "Babe, I’ve got bus driving down to a
science. Watch this!" He gave the steering wheel a jerk and sent the bus
flying across a cornfield.
Brian
switched from O Sole Mio to O What a Beautiful Morning! "The
corn is as high as an elephant’s eye –"
"Brian,
if you don’t shut up, I’m going to mess up your hair," Erica warned him.
He gulped and was immediately silent.
The Oracle
smirked. "I told you this was a bad idea."
Rachel peered
out the rear window. "Well, we have a new objective now. Staying alive."
Homi gasped. "What do you mean?"
Rachel
pointed. "The Order is on our tail."
Homi looked out the window. Sure enough, Helen, Mary, Courtney, and
the Yoo Twins were balancing precariously on the bus’
long, furry tail.
"I’ll
lose ‘em!" Marley cried, and gave the steering
wheel another tremendous jerk. Soon they were soaring over a swamp.
"This is
all my fault," Chewy moaned. No one contradicted
him.
Brian grabbed
his blow-drier and breathed a sigh of relief.
Rachel looked
over at her rock. "No matter what happens, I’ll always love you," she
whispered tearfully.
"Surrender
now, or forever vow your chastity!" they could hear Helen scream.
For a few
moments, they all looked at each other fearfully. Then Marley pulled the bus to
a grinding halt and raised the white flag.
The velocity
of the stop caused Helen, Mary, Courtney, and the Yoos
to fly headfirst into the bus. Mary careened into Brian and sent his blowdrier flying across the room.
Rachel kept a
tight hold on her rock. "I’m glad I have you with me," she whispered.
Helen strode
in, striking in a leather catsuit with a well-placed
rear bustle. Her knee-high boots made a strangely Maruichi-like clicking sound
as she surveyed the frightened prisoners. Courtney as on her
feet again, flanked by a Yoo on either side, and
pointing a crossbow in various random directions.
"So,"
Helen smirked. "I knew you were a randy bunch. Prepare for a !"
Courtney and
the Yoos sprang into action, pulling down curtains,
draping the bus with flowery silk sheets, and bringing forth aromatherapy oils
from Helen’s personal collection. Which consisted mainly of
patchouli and ylang-ylang. Well, mostly ylang-ylang.
"Boss?" Mary interjected. "We left the CDs at
home."
"Dammit!" Helen swore. "You can’t have a proper
without Ricky Martin CDs in the background. I guess we’ll have to skip straight
to the boring part." She grinned. "Or not."
Marley eyed
the leather thing in her hand. "You can whip me if you want."
Helen grinned
and pulled the curtain closed around the two of them. "Won’t
be a mo."
~~~~~~~
Homi, to her surprise, had found herself wearing a farmer’s shirt
under her lab coat. Silently approaching Chewy, she unbuttoned the top two
buttons. Then buttoned them again. Then
unbuttoned them. Then, finally, buttoned all but the
top one.
"Hey,"
she said, settling herself on a large orange pillow in the bus that now
resembled the lair of a Turkish harem.
Chewy’s fist was clenched tight, and little flakes of granola
fell from his hand. "She ate it," he said finally. "With
whipped cream."
"Oh."
Homi felt
quite taken aback. "Well, um . . . I’m sorry about that." Especially
since I wanted to shag you, she added mentally.
Chewy sighed.
"She has no respect, you know? Maybe she’s not the only one who wants wild
and passionate sex!"
Homi raised her eyebrows, but grinned a little. "Well . . . maybe
I could help in that area. I mean," she added hastily, "I could, you
know, fool around – I mean, experiment on, some new positions. In, er, technology, that is. And we could try and make you a
new granola bar!"
He looked at
her with tears in his eyes. "Would you do that? Would you do that
really?"
"Sure,"
she grinned. "We’ll see how we make out."
~~~~~~~
Brian and
Mary stared at each other for a while. He ran his hands through his hair again
and again. Finally, he said, "I didn’t know you were working for the
Order." He paused, thinking. "Now I understand why you dated
me."
She looked
stonily ahead. "That’s not what it was. I joined AFTER you broke my heart.
Cleft it in two like a broken granola bar."
He gasped.
"That’s not true! YOU broke MY blow-drier!" He strummed a few notes
on his guitar. "And my heart, too."
Mary gave him
a half-smile. "Are you still playing fish?"
He gasped
with indigence. "I don’t PLAY them! I only date them one at a time!"
"Do you
still love me?" Mary blurted, as was characteristic of her matter-of-fact
personality. "Because I remember the sex, Brian, and the sex was
good."
"It was good,"
he agreed. "I didn’t know it could be like that with humans. It was like –
it was like my favorite Herbal Essences commercial."
"So
where are we?" she asked.
He paused.
"I don’t know. We appear to be in some sort of Sultan’s palace that
moves."
"I mean,
where are we in our relationship?"
He paused
even longer. "Well, we’re working on opposite sides of organizations hell
bent on destroying each other. And I have fluffier hair than you." She
stormed out of their curtain-space. "What? What did I do wrong?"
~~~~~~~
Helen laughed
maniacally in the other compartment. "Back to
The Oracle
frowned. "I told you this trip was a bad idea."