The
Granola Bar Chronicles: Chewy’s Tale, or Lack Thereof
By Queen
Aragorn
Chapter
Five
"So you
basically sit around in your lair and have wild and passionate sex all
day?" Marley asked. Helen nodded. "Man, you don’t need a bus driver,
do you?"
Rachel glared
at him. "Marley, you’re a terrible bus driver."
He grinned.
"But I’m good at other things."
Helen
surveyed him critically. "I like you. I’ll kill you last." She licked
her lips and pulled out a can of whipped cream. "Then I’ll have my way
with you."
Rachel shook
her head. "We’ll defeat you and your Order, Helen. Chewy WILL get some
action, as long as there is breath in Homi’s body!"
Courtney
gasped. "You dare name He-Who-Must-Not-Get-Laid?" She squeezed a Yoo
for comfort.
Helen waved
her hand dismissively. "Don’t worry. We have their bus, their researchers,
and most importantly, He-Who-Must-Not-Get-Laid himself. How could they possibly
win now?"
Marley
frowned. "I’m confused, What exactly is the fight
here?"
Helen
slathered a baguette in whipped cream and ate it rather indelicately.
"It’s top secret." She waggled her eyebrows. "But there are
things you could do to get it out of me."
"Helen!"
Rachel snapped. "Stop being such a whore and remember the vows you
made."
Helen
wrinkled her brow. "The marriage vows?"
"No! The MORE IMPORTANT vows. The pledge that
you made to the Order when we were still one."
Courtney
looked thoughtful. "But since we betrayed you, wouldn’t they be considered
null and void?"
Marley
grinned. "I’m liking this."
Helen rolled
her eyes. "Rachel, if you’re talking about the night we had in
"I’M NOT
TALKING ABOUT
Helen
smirked. "Rachel, I’m sorry we thwarted your plans and ruined your
romantic bus ride and now are planning to kill you all, but I know a way to
make it up to you." She paused. "Courtney. Get me the number of the
delivery service."
Courtney
fumbled through the silk curtains and burning incense until she found a large
black book. "Which one?"
"FedSex." Helen licked her lips. "For
when you REALLY need it overnight."
"Here it
is." Courtney rested her finger on an entry. "1-800-SHAG-ME-NOW."
Rachel perked
up. "What a fun company!"
Helen
grinned. "Tell them to ship my throne to our new lair." She grinned
at Rachel. "We’ll be arriving shortly."
~~~~~~~
"This is
our chance," Homi whispered. She, Chewy, Brian, Mary, and Erica we poised
on the edge of the bus. "As soon as we slow down to fifty miles an hour,
JUMP!"
Mary shifted.
"I don’t know about this. I can’t just leave Helen. We – we have a good
thing."
"But we
had a good thing too!" Brian pleaded. "Remember that night in
"Helen
was there," Mary pointed out.
"Still! We – ah – we don’t have to live in
Mary gasped. "MARRIAGE? You’re thinking about MARRIAGE?" She
shook her head. "Helen would never suggest anything like that. She likes
promiscuity too much."
Brian
grinned. "So you’re coming?"
"NO! You
and your commitment SCARE ME! HELEN!" With that, she rushed back inside
the bus.
Brian
sniffled. "She’s gone. The love of my life is gone again!" he yelped,
as his blow-dryer fell off the bus. "Mayhap I should just jump and have
the cruelty over with!"
"Good
idea!" Homi yelled as the rest of them flew to the ground, dragging the
moaning Brian with them. With a collective thud they hit the dust, and rolled off
the highway.
Homi stood up
and brushed herself off. "That was close. We barely escaped with our lives
and our granola."
Brian hugged
his blow-dryer. "We don’t need Mary. We can have plenty of fun by
ourselves." With a supercilious glance at the other, he went behind a
conveniently-placed bush and began to cry.
Erica gasped.
"Rachel! They still have Rachel and Marley in their evil, sticky
clutches!"
"At
least she won’t castrate them," Chewy grimaced.
Erica nodded.
"True. She needs SOMEONE with a granola bar to have the kind of fun she
desires."
Homi nodded.
"Well, we’d better get back to the laboratory. Let’s start walking."
~~~~~~~
Mary
shivered. Helen had chosen her new lair wisely; it was very sticky and very,
very evil. The only problem was that it was kind of cramped.
As the cliché
demands, the new lair of the Order of the Ugly Bird was inside a volcano. Well,
the volcano outside the Rainforest Café on
"Why do
we need to be here again?" she complained. It wasn’t that she MINDED being
pressed flat against the rough wall to make room for the throne, it was just
that, well, actually, she did.
Helen nodded
at Rachel, who was bound and gagged at the mouth of the volcano. "Sacrifice."
Tears were
falling down Rachel’s face nonstop. Helen had taken her stone and thrown it
into the big mess of rocks in the parking lot, making it lost to her forever.
What an
evil, evil whore, Rachel thought. I can’t believe I ever –
"Attention!"
Helen snapped. "Not only do we have possession of Rachel, head of the Good
Guys, we have also acquired the Oracle."
She paused
for a round of applause. Mary, behind the throne, clapped half-heartedly, but
Courtney was too busy enjoying being sandwiched between the Yoos to care.
Marley, on her left, let out a loud whistle. Sparticus, looking rather
disgruntled, roared.
"Oh,
no," sighed the Oracle. "He is a bringer of doom, indeed."
The gladiator
grimaced. "They promised me wild and passionate sex. With
women."
The Oracle
shuddered regally. "Their promises are often deceptive, O tamer of great
beasts."
Helen winked
at Sparticus. "You can tame MY great beast any time."
He shook his
head. "No lions, please. I don’t like to mix my
professional life with my personal one." He paused. "Besides, they’re
really bad in bed."
"So,
apparently, are fish," came a muffled voice from
behind the throne.
Helen waved
it all aside. "Getting back to the topic at hand, if you
please! Oracle . . . what do you see in my future?" She grinned. "Wild and passionate sex?"
The Oracle
frowned. "Always. But there is also something
most unexpected, O whore of the Order."
Helen
grinned. "That’s all I need to know! Mary, roll out the bed!"
"But
what about He-Who-Must-Not-Get-Laid?" said the muffled voice.
"We should find out whether the Order will succeed."
Helen pouted.
"Like THAT’S fun."
The Oracle
shook its head despairingly. "I foresee the doom of the Order, Mary Laid.
It would be wise of you to return to that Blow-Dry guy before the hour draws
any nearer."
Helen
groaned. "Well, that’s no good! Courtney, kill Rachel immediately!"
She looked up at her old lover. "I’m sorry, Rachel. But in order for our
plans to suceed, Chewy must not get laid." She licked her lips.
"We’ll always have
"Actually,
you won’t, because she’ll be dead," Marley pointed out. "But we can
still have fun. Rent a boat, rent some people, go back
there . . ."
Helen glared.
"Shut up." She sprayed some whipped cream at him and licked it off.
"You’re next."
He gulped.
"But I’m just the bus driver!"
She shrugged.
"I don’t care. I’m a sadist! Now, Courtney, if you please."
Courtney drew
her knife and her Yoos, and started toward Rachel. Looking into her crying
eyes, she paused. "I can’t do it, Helen! I just can’t do it! The – the memories!"
"Oh, for crying out loud." Helen rolled her
eyes. "You’re an assassin. You killed Frodo. What’s the problem now?"
"The MEMORIES!" Courtney squeezed her Yoos. "All
that time . . . in the Order, that night in
"Frodo
was in the Order! You killed him!"
A tear ran
down Courtney’s face. "But he wasn’t at
Helen
snorted. "Actually, he was. You just didn’t notice because he was so
short." She grinned. "Just right to keep my toes
warm!"
Courtney
threw down the knife. "I’m sorry I can’t do it." She let out a great
sob. "I’m going to find myself. I needs
solitude." She grabbed the Yoos and made to exit the volcano. "Helen
we’ve had good times, and good sex, but right now I needs to get back to the .
. . um . . . Yoos. I’m going to a Learning Cottage."
Helen
grinned. "Oooh, a LEARNING COTTAGE! I’ve heard those are just my kind of
places!" She paused. "But I have my work to consider. And all the wild and passionate sex that was foreseen in my future.
Bye!"
Courtney
looked back sadly. "Good-bye."
~~~~~~~
Homi
collapsed into a chair like a monkey collapses into a bed of granola.
"What an exhausting hike."
Erica nodded.
"I’m retiring early, if you don’t mind." She headed off to her
bedroom.
Brian picked
up his blow-dryer and his bass. "I’m going out to drown my sorrows,"
he announced, though no one seemed to take notice.
Homi turned
to Chewy and toyed with the buttons on her shirt. "So.
Just us."
He nodded
blankly at her. "Good job today. Saving our lives and
all." He stared at her for a moment. "Is that shirt wool? ‘Cause that might be why it’s so itchy."
She blushed
and shook her head. "No, it’s 100% granola. I – I might just take it off .
. ." She waited for his reaction, but none came.
"As in, altogether. I might take it off altogether," she
pressed. "What do you think?" Still no response.
"Should I take my shirt off?"
He finally
looked up at her. "I don’t know."
"I love
you," she blurted. "Now can I take my shirt off?" She clapped a
hand over her mouth. "Wait! That wasn’t supposed to come out!"
He looked at
her sadly. "Homi, you’re wasting your time. I might love you too, if I had
a granola bar." He sighed. "But without one, I have no sex
drive."
Tears sprang
into Homi’s eyes. "That evil Helen," she muttered. "I don’t
care! You don’t need one!"
He shook his
head. "I think it would be best if you just left."
Her lip
trembled as she spoke. "Do you mean that?"
"From the bottom of my granola heart."
In a furious
rage, she stalked out of the room. What a jerk! "I don’t have a granola
bar" . . . as if THAT’S an excuse! Well, I’m done with him! He can’t
expect me to wait around forever!
In her
garage, she saw the wrapper to an old Chewy bar. Instantly her anger subsided,
just as the tides of granola ebb away, forever destined to wax and wane. Oh,
Chewy!
The tears
flowed freely as she got into her car. Somewhere.
Anywhere. I don’t care, as long as you get me out of
here!
The rain
poured down as she drove. She switched on the radio, expecting some forlorn
song about love gone wrong. Instead, she got some singer caterwauling
"It’s a great day to be alive! The sun’s still shining when I close my
eyes!" Frowning, she changed the channel.
"Yeah,
it’s a magical thing, when the sun is shining down on me, isn’t it a beautiful
–"
She hit the
radio in frustration. Where was the sad, mellow soundtrack to her life?
"Just a
spoon of granola helps the medicine go down, the medicine go –"
She sighed
and, turning the radio off, pulled up outside a bar. Just drink it all away.
Inside,
though a bit dark and grimy, the bar had just what she needed: blaring music
that you couldn’t understand and beer right off the tap. All right, sorrows,
prepare to be drowned!
She sat down
at the bar and signaled for a vodka. After gulping it
down, she signaled for another. And another. And another. And –
"Homi!"
She turned to
see a familiar face. She struggled to place it through the haze.
"Brian?"
He nodded
vigorously. "Yup! Shtis
me!" He sighed. "Mary shbroke my sheart,
Homi."
She gulped
down another glass. "Join the club."
And another. And another. And another.
And suddenly
she felt very energized.
And another. And another. And another.
And suddenly
Brian looked really handsome.
And another
and another and another and another and another and another –
~~~~~~~
Homi sat up
and rubbed her eyes. What HAPPENED last night? I don’t remember a –
She looked
down. Brian was snoring softly beside her.
SHIT.