The Granola Bar Chronicles: Chewy’s Tale

By Tabachka (GUEST AUTHOR!)

A/N: Whatever Girl Tree says about not liking Chewy anymore - don’t listen to her.

Chapter 3

Homi sat there next to Erica. "I love him!" she cried. "But he’s my test subject. No relationship. I’m sad!"

Erica patted her on the back. "There, there."

Homi sat up and screamed, "Saying ‘there, there’ does not help anyone with anything! I’ll deal with this myself!" She stood up, glared at Erica and stomped out of the room.

Erica sighed. "Well, at least now she might do something other than sit around and cry. Maybe." She walked out in search of Rachel.

~*~*~*~

Rachel sat on a bench in the park, absorbed in Erica’s recitation of Homi’s confession of love for Chewy. At the end of it, she grinned. "Let’s plan a romantic getaway for the two of them. Won’t that be fun? We could come. And watch their mad and passionate sex. Maybe even join in. We-"

Erica cut her off. "This is Homi and Chewy that we’re talking about. There won’t be any wild and passionate sex. You’re mistaking Homi for Helen. And anyway, remember what Helen did to him?"

"Oh. Right. We could still set up a romantic bus ride getaway."

Erica looked thoughtful. "Frodo could drive them away to somewhere. We don’t have to go. Just those two. I mean, they might possibly get to the kissing stage eventually. Maybe. Maybe that will count as true love."

"I’ll find Frodo. You go get Homi and Chewy."

They went off in search of the people necessary to their plan.

~*~*~*~

In a well-lit office on 62 Main Street, Helen and her followers met in secret. Helen asked Courtney, "Do you think leather makes my butt look big?"

Courtney, rather stupidly, replied, "Yes."

Helen jumped up and shrieked at her, "GET OUT!! YOU (expletive, expletive, expletive, etc.)!!! YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK HERE AGAIN!!" She visibly calmed herself. "No. Wait. I have a task for you." Helen looked very menacing in her skintight black leather suit with combat boots. "You will go and kill one of Rachel’s gang. We’ll get rid of some competition. And, by the time you finish, I might have calmed down enough to deal with you properly."

At the sound of Helen’s intimidating voice dismissing her, Courtney scurried out, ready to cause some trouble at her overlord’s whim.

~*~*~*~

Rachel and Erica met up back at the park bench. Erica spoke first. "Homi’s meeting up with us in a few minutes. I found Chewy, but he wouldn’t come with me. He was muttering about his granola bar, so I figured it was best to leave him alone. I don’t know where he is now. We can find him once we’re ready to send them off. We’ll find out where he is via his dog tag."

"Dog tag?"

"Do you know how often he gets lost?"

"I see your point. Well, I found Frodo. I didn’t bother to bring him with me." Erica gave her a questioning look. "He was dead."

"Who did it?"

"Someone of Helen’s. Her name is Courtney. She has low self-esteem."

"Huh?"

"I heard her muttering about how her butt looked big. Or someone’s butt looked big. It was a little worrying."

"Yeah, well… Looks like we’re going to have to get a new bus driver."

~*~*~*~

Chewy walked along Main Street. "I’m gonna get it back. I’m sure she has it," he repeated over and over again. He stopped in front of 62 Main Street. He looked at it with some apprehension, squared his shoulders, and walked in.

~*~*~*~

Erica said, "Name?"

"Marley."

"Age?"

"Not telling."

"Former bus-driving experience?"

"None."

The Oracle frowned. "Useless."

Erica sighed and was about to send him away when Homi and Rachel ran in, skidded to a stop, and shouted, "He’s going in! He’s going in!"

Erica said "Who’s going in where? And is it important?"

Rachel said, breathing heavily, "Chewy! He’s going into Helen’s lair."

The Oracle frowned. "He shouldn’t be."

Homi added, "It’s important."

Marley, who had been watching with no interest whatsoever, asked, "Do I get the job?"

Rachel said, "Yes! Drive us to 62 Main Street and hurry! Have you got your own bus?"

"No."

"Not to worry. You can have Frodo’s. Let’s go!" They all ran out the door, collecting Brian on the way. He had a guitar and his blow-dryer, so he was happy and not complaining, so everyone else was happy, too.

The Oracle frowned. "This is a bad idea," it complained. But no one listened. As usual.

~*~*~*~

Mary rushed into Helen’s lair. Helen had never seen her rush, even in the middle of wild and passionate sex, so she sat up and listened to her report with interest. "Helen! He-Who-Must-Not-Get-Laid is coming into the building! He’s coming here! In search of his granola bar!"

Helen grinned. "What fun. Pull out the bed."

"But you bit off his granola bar."

Helen frowned. Dammit. "Fine then. Don’t. Do you think that if I offer him his granola bar back, then he would have mad and passionate sex with me? You know that’s what I live for," she said, raising her eyebrows suggestively.

Mary smiled, back to her usual collected self. "Oh, I know that’s what you live for. But what are you going to do about He-Who-Must-Not-Get-Laid?"

Helen shrugged. "Oh, that. I’ll give him his granola bar back. I’ll have wild and passionate sex with him. Then, I’ll just bite it off again. Finally, I’ll send him back into the streets."

Mary protested. "But he must not get laid!"

Helen frowned. "Quite the spoilsport, aren’t you ? Fine, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, I won’t. I’ll have wild and passionate sex with you in front of him. He might be able to figure out from that that you don’t need a granola bar to have fun."

Mary frowned. Helen rolled her eyes. "But what if you -" She was cut off by Chewy coming in the door.

~*~*~*~

Homi was in the front seat of the bus, screaming at Marley. "Hurry up! Chewy could be dying or having other parts bitten off! Do you want to be responsible for that?"

Brian restrained her. "Homi. Breathe out, breathe in. Breathe out, breathe in. Feeling better?" He smiled at Homi, whose eyes were about to pop out of her head. "Now. Bus driving is a form of art. Art takes time. Would you like to hear my new song on the bass?"

"As long as it’s not a fish."

Brian pouted. "I only did that once."

Homi laughed. "You only had to do it once."

Rachel didn’t notice any of this. She was taking advantage of Brian’s distraction by having a serious talk with her rock. "Look, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I feel that we should break up. You never talk to me. I just don’t feel that we’re communicating. It’s nothing personal." The rock said nothing, only looked reproachful. Rachel burst into tears. "I’m sorry!!" she sobbed.

Brian had looked up at the sound of her tears, and Erica moved smoothly into the role of distracting Homi. Brian came over to her and looked at the rock disdainfully. Rachel started crying harder. "Don’t you start on me, too! I can’t take it!"

Brian looked angry. "Do you think that I don’t have feelings? Do you think-"

Rachel snuffled. "Yes! My rock has more feelings than you and I just broke up with him. I hate him, but I hate you more!"

Brian went insane. "Fine! I hate you too!" he screamed, getting louder with every word. "I think I’ll just get rid of you now!" He pulled out his blow-dryer. "I hate you all! I’ll commit suicide and I won’t have to deal with any of you!" He turned the blow dryer on himself, and, before any of them could stop him, he turned it on.

He slumped down in a faint. Homi uttered a stifled cry and rushed to his side. She turned off the blow-dryer and looked up at Erica. "He’s fine. He should be out for another thirty seconds."

Erica sighed. "Hasn’t he figured out by now that you can’t commit suicide - or homicide, for that matter - with a blow-dryer?"

The Oracle frowned and said portentously, "I knew this was a bad idea."

~*~*~*~

Chewy burst into Helen’s lair. "I want my gran-" was as far as he got before he turned around and shut his eyes for good measure. "Whoa. Put some clothes on."

Helen giggled. "Don’t you like it? Courtney said that my butt looked big in leather, and I don’t like any other cloth. So I became a nudist."

Chewy winced. It was time to stake everything on his next words. He opened his mouth - and squeaked. He cleared his throat and said, "Your butt looks big even without leather." He cringed, waiting for the attack. There was an awful silence.

"What?" came a faint voice from behind him. He risked a look back. Helen was dead white - all over. "What did you say?"

His nerve broke. He ran out the door, calling out behind him, "Damn you, Helen! I’ll get my granola bar yet!’

Helen sat there, still stunned. Mary said softly, "I don’t think your butt looks big. I think it looks… just right."

Helen turned to her. "Do you really think so?" She grinned. Being the leader had its advantages. One was that everyone did what you did. Mary had also become a nudist. So there was nothing to impede their mad and passionate sex.

~*~*~*~

Chewy huddled in a corner on the bus. He shivered and every once in a while let out a small scream. Homi asked anxiously, "Do you think he’ll be OK?"

Rachel said, with great authority, "Of course. It’s merely a side effect of seeing Helen."

She didn’t know how right she was.

 

Chapter Four

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