The
Granola Bar Chronicles: Chewy’s Tale, or Lack Thereof
By Queen
Aragorn of the Dúnedain Pirates
A/N: Sorry about this chapter.
It just doesn’t have the same zing when not written at
Chapter
Two
In a dark
cavern deep underground, there was nothing going on, save a bit of tectonic
shifting. In a well-lit office on
Helen was
seated on the throne, which was an elaborate ebony carving adorned with red
velvet pillows, which in turn were stained with a substance of questionable
sort. She was dressed all in black leather, with fishnet stockings, combat
boots, and a lacy neckline topping the outfit off. In one hand she head a leather whip, and in the other a granola bar, which
she ate with abandon.
An assortment
of others sat in folding chair or on the floor. Among their number was
Courtney, a deadly assassin with a twin fetish, and Mary, a scornful musician
who had joined the organization after breaking up with Brian.
In a quiet
corner sat Jenny, typing softly on her up-to-date laptop computer. She grinned
evilly to herself in the way that only double agents will.
"Attention!"
snapped Helen, cracking her whip sharply. "The first meeting of the Order
of the Ugly Bird is now called to . . . order." She slathered her granola
bar with whipped cream and munched away methodically.
Mary flicked
an invisible piece of lint from her skirt. "What is our objective?"
Helen giggled
menacingly. "To defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Get-Laid, of
course. Also to promote promiscuity and mandatory castration
of Bulgarians."
The echos of evil laughter rang all throughout the hallway. A
startled dentist accidentally pulled the wrong tooth.
"OW!"
cried Homi, and proceeded to slap upside the head.
~~~~~~~
Not all who
wander are lost, and Chewy was definitely NOT lost. He was just in an
unfamiliar setting, which was perfectly commonplace and not a bit
reprehensible.
Everywhere he
went, people stared at him because he was made of granola. "I may be rough
and flaky on the outside," he called desperately to one little girl,
"but I’m really quite soft and chewy!"
She, however,
just hurried away, clutching her can of pepper spray nervously.
He heard a
car horn beside him. Homi smiled from the driver’s
seat. "Need a ride?"
Chewy hopped
in. "Thanks. What are you doing in the likes of this neighborhood?"
Homi looked around at the clean houses, friendly people, and white
picket fences. "Dentist. You?"
Chewy
shrugged helplessly. "I don’t really remember."
Homi sighed. "Maybe the radiation treatments aren’t working so
well."
"Radiation treatments?" Chewy stared at her.
"You said I was just sleeping!"
Homi sighed. "Sometimes we lie to our
test subjects. Only so they’ll sign the insurance form."
"What
did you need radiation treatments for, anway?"
"You
know what’s I’m trying to do, Chewy."
He groaned. "Right, right. Uncover the secret of granola."
"Yes."
She made a sharp turn. "But some days I find myself just wanting to have
sex with you and forget the whole project."
"You
can’t do that, though. Because I’m castrated." He
paused. "And because the government might cut off our funding."
"Exactly." She veered right. "So I’m in a tight
spot."
"Right." He looked confused for a moment. "Wait,
who’s the guy you wanted to have sex with? Brian?"
She sighed.
"We’d better take you off that radiation."
~~~~~~~
Rachel sat
nervously on the park bench, fondling her rock. Any moment now . . .
Helen came
up, dominatrix outfit and all, and sat beside her with a sneer. "So. You waved the white flag?"
Rachel looked
over at her one-time friend and lover. But Helen had been everybody’s lover, so
that didn’t really count. "Yes."
Helen
grinned. "You want me back, don’t you? All those hot nights, Rachel . . .
I remember them too." She licked her lips.
Rachel shook
her head. "No! It’s about the war!"
Helen
frowned. "Oh right. My guys versus your guys."
She cleared her throat. "You know, many a conflict was resolved though
passion –"
"Helen!"
Rachel gripped her rock nervously. "You need to stay out of my way. It’s
essential to get Homi and Chewy together."
Helen
laughed. "But I’m the villain, my love. And the villain does everything
she can to keep the good guys from succeeding."
"Well,
too bad!" cried Rachel. "I have a double agent, telling me everything
your order plans to do to Chewy!"
"You
mean He-Who-Must-Not-Get-Laid," Helen corrected automatically. Then she
gasped. "YOU have a double agent? But I have a double agent too!"
"That’s
not possible!" Rachel shouted. "Erica and Brian would never betray
me!"
Helen grinned
evilly. "What about Jenny?"
"Jenny
IS my double agent, you dimwit!"
Helen looked
severely affronted. "But – but, she’s mine too!"
"She’s
been playing both sides!" yelped Rachel. "That’s not allowed!"
"Your
mom wasn’t allowed last night!" cried the furious Helen.
And they
tried to get Jenny, but sadly, she had become Viggo
Mortensen’s concubine and run off to the South of France.
~~~~~~~
"Well,
Chewy," said Homi, "it’s been such a lovely
car ride, and I don’t want it to end . . ."
Chewy’s eyes lit up. "Do you want to do research for the
project?" he asked, already taking out his calculator.
"Maybe,"
murmured Homi, licking her lips. "Or we could .
. ."
Chewy’s eyes locked with hers. "Do you mean . . . " he asked, moving closer.
Homi nodded slowly as his face came down toward hers. "I
do," she breathed, closing her eyes and parting her lips . . .
"Hey
guys!" Brian burst into the room, carrying a large fish. "I learned a
catchy tune on the bass! Wanna hear?" He stared at
the fish for a moment, then turned around. "Wait,
I need to practice."
Homi sighed and let go of Chewy. "Brian, that’s a fish. A bass, not a bass."
He glared at
her as tears sprung to his eyes. "I’m working on it, okay? Art is a
methodical process!" And he stormed out of the room.
Homi sighed. Well, at least my personal life is kept personal.
~~~~~~~
And down on