The Granola Bar Chronicles: Chewy’s Tale, or Lack Thereof

By The Dúnedain Pirates

Chapter One

Granola is one of the strangest things in the world. You can study it all your life, but never find out all of its secrets. Homi had dedicated her very soul to that very cause. And strangely enough, she was not alone.

Rachel was a poor girl from Yorkshire with dreams of being a scientist. But when she came to Buffalo, her world was crushed. The fragile spirit of humanity she had held so dear proved to be nothing more than a farce. Or a soap bubble, if you like.

They had used her; used her ever so cruelly. Friends they called themselves, but in truth they were after Biology notes and only Biology notes. And it was thus that Rachel lost her faith in humanity.

Homi’s second ally was Erica. She had fought the call all of her life, but in the end she submitted to the inevitable. The granola called to her, and she had to answer.

Frodo was a hobbit, the only hobbit found in all of BuffaloValinor. He didn’t do anything but drive the bus; however, they invited him to the sleepovers anyway.

It’s often written that every great quest has its airhead. The facile girl who always sits around and complains about her hair. Like every great quest’ Homi’s quest for granola had its airhead, and that airhead was Brian.

Jenny was the brains of the group. She also had sex with all the hot rock musicians. But in the end, she didn’t matter.

The only two people who mattered were Homi and Chewy. Because they were the two people who fell in love.

~~~~~~

Love isn’t something that comes all in a rush. It sneaks up on you, like a cat on a bar of granola. In Homi’s case, love tried many things before it got anything right.

Buffalo, Tortuga, was generally a quiet place. Sure, it had its brothels, and its drive-by shootings, but it was basically a town with an acute understanding of the meaning of peace. What it could not accept was when someone came along with a desire to understand more.

And Homi wanted more.

Erica told her it wasn’t right. "You can’t run around life chasing after dreams that no one will help you catch," she told her. "In the end, you have to give in. We all do."

Homi laughed. "Now I know I’ll succeed," she said, "because in stories, there’s always someone like you. The practical sidekick, who tells the heroine that her dreams are impossible. But I won’t give up." She set her mouth in a grim line. "I’m going to know it, Erica. I’m going to know the secret of granola."

"Don’t be hasty," the Oracle warned. "Along the way you will find something even more desirable."

Homi sneered. "Unlikely. The only thing better than granola itself would be a man made of granola. And I don’t think THAT’S going to happen anytime soon."

The Oracle just frowned.

~~~~~~~

 

Chewy screamed in pain. He didn’t know where he had come from, or what he was, only that it hurt. A lot.

Helen looked up from her pose between his knees and grinned evilly. "Welcome to the world, Mister Hopkins. I’ve just castrated you."

Chewy stared at her, his lower lip trembling. "What do you mean?" He looked down and gasped.

Helen’s upper lip curled into a snarl. "I say, it’s gone, and you won’t get it back until you find true love."

Chewy stared at her. "Why? Why would you do such a thing?"

"Because I’m a sadist." She threw back her head and laughed.

~~~~~~~

"I don’t know what to do next," Rachel told the stone solemnly. "I’ve done all I can, but it’s been thirty years and Chewy is no closer to finding true love than the day he was made."

The stone didn’t say anything. It never did. She kept hoping, though. One day, she might just be surprised.

"He and Homi are the perfect match," she relayed despondently. "But researcher-test subject relationships are off-limits. And they both know that." She sighed. "And neither of them is willing to bend the rules."

Brian entered with a bang of the door. Behind him strode Erica, Jenny, Frodo, and Sparticus. She quickly pocketed her rock. Not because she was ashamed of it, but because, well, they were trying to keep their relationship on the down-low. And the last time she had announced that they had gotten together after a big fight, Brian had gone psychotic and tried to blow-dry them all into a parallel universe.

Sparticus stopped and took a look around. "Is this the Circus Maximus?" he asked, a confused look on his face.

Rachel shook her head, rubbing the stone nervously. "You need the exit back two millennia and down past the Fall of the Empire."

The gladiator nodded. "Thanks."

The Oracle shifted around nervously. "That was a sign, you know. A sign of imminent danger."

Brian grabbed his blow-drier. It always helped to have it close by.

Frodo bit off a finger and chewed it nervously. Rachel sighed. He had never been able to kick that habit.

It was Erica who spoke first. "Nonsense. We’re THISCLOSE to an important breakthrough. Nothing can go wrong now."

Rachel shook her head. If only the others knew the terrible secret that weighed on her conscience day and night, like a rhino sitting on a granola bar.

She had to get Homi and Chewy together. Fast.

Chapter Two

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