Damnit. I can't seem to work the server program correctly, I'm pissed off, and everything is basically not going well this evening.
It's possible I'd be less pissed if J just stopped calling me. I don't know what he wants from me, he doesn't treat me like a friend, and it just frustrates me when I talk to him. Then being anywhere near involved with anyone who's semi-involved with anyone else just should not be something that ever seems like a good idea at anytime, anywhere.
Of course, I guess I'm bashing my head into a wall because I don't listen to the advice I give to every single person I've ever known. Knowing that, it just makes it that much more difficult to keep any kind of pride intact when you realize you feel like you're not being treated the way you used to when used to is less than a month.
Then you don't know what is going on with anyone else in a situation, and I'm new to this whole "relax and just go with the flow" thing, I'm used to action, damnit. If I want something, I take it. If I want to go somewhere, I just DO. I'm not sure what I want, and where to get it, and how to get it. I hate this.
Of course, I think the not taking my own damn advice is what gets my goat the worst. Then there's the fact that I haven't gotten enough sleep by a long shot this weekend, and that's making me crabby and sad. I do not like feeling sad, I do not like it Sam I am.
Does anyone out there remember the Sisters of Mercy? Hmmm...I'm listening to Alice. It's what I listen to when I'm not feeling all that happy.
Alice in her party dress
She thanks you kindly, so serene
needs you like she needs her pills to tell her that the worlds okay
to promise her a definition
tell her where the rain will fall
tell where the sun shines bright
tell her she can have it all...today....
A small quote. I think of me many years ago when I was scared of everything. Everyone, too. Now I'm not and I'm still not getting what I want. Why? I am used to instant gratification. That, of course, requires manipulation. I'm attempting not to be manipulative, because that always screws everything up.
Then again, if I knew what exactly it was that I wanted, it might make things a lot easier. I could focus, plan, make a strategic assault. Oh gods, what am I saying? Strategically assaulting boys? That's so not a good thing! You don't *do* that to people, you strategically assault companies, portfolios, not people!!
I saw him on Friday. Yes I did. Four years of waiting and I finally saw him. I wish I could bottle what I felt like when he opened that door and sell it. It was so fabulous. I wasn't afraid, for the first time ever, I was okay. What a feeling! Don't get me wrong, I was nervous. I'm not 17 anymore, and don't look it. Oh, gosh, and his dog....can I tell you I have never seen a more beautiful creature. Friendly too! I really liked ... um ... her or him as the case may be. I kept trying to listen to him call the dog but I could have sworn I heard both he and she during the course of him showing off how well trained the dog was. That fabulous puppy knows commands in english, spanish, and sign language. Amazing, really. I think my favorite part is that the release command is "you're free" and the dog just jumps up so happy and runs around.
I look forward to seeing him again. I think I'm taking a break from the other one. If the only lay I'm getting is a mind f__k, I'll pass thankyouverymuch.
Guess I'm just an a foul mood tonight. Storm clouds on the horizon, or right above me, or something. I can't be too sure right now. I almost don't care at all.
Friday night with JoJo & Dweena was great! We had so much fun. It's too bad that D has left the company. I really hope she emails me soon to tell me how the new job is going. I hope she's doing just great. She's such a nice person, she really deserves it.
I'll do more tomorrow. I'm just going to get pissy all over again if I keep typing and I'm so proud I managed to have some happy news in this.
~Dryad~